Serial Drama

I'm All Cried Out And This Story Has Only Just Started

It's times like this that make me wish that Kimberly McCullough was not the absurdly talented, consummate professional that she is, because if she'd just check out of this story (you know, the way that the writers certainly will once they get bored of it. "A groundbreaking, iconic character? Snooze. What's Spinelli up to?!") and put in a merely competent performance, I probably wouldn't burst into tears at every single word she says and probably wouldn't spend the next few months with puffy, bloodshot eyes and a broken heart.

But no! She has to be fantastic and heartbreaking and there is seriously no way I am going to be able to make it through her exit because seriously, seriously, seriously, my heart hurts already.

Mac: So I'm not old. I just need to get a life?
Robin: That would be nice. It would be nice to see that before I die.

SOB TO THE TENTH POWER!

Robin, dealing with something mysterious and terrifying, went to her bridge to discuss her issues with Stone and I'm not spoiled but...they're going there, aren't they? They're going to kill her off and have it be gut-wrenching and horrible and then Jason will brood some more because God knows we haven't see enough depressed Jason lately and then the story will abruptly shift to another mob war and then Robin will be mentioned once in a while, usually by Mac, until they stop trotting Mac out for even the briefest of cameos. I mean, right? Because Kimberly McCullough IS leaving and General Hospital DOES hate having characters leave Port Charles alive and Robin DOES seem like she's coming to terms with her inevitable death (although it also seems like she's completely resigned to it. Shouldn't Robin be more of a fighter? Or has Maggie stolen all of the town's feistiness? She races kids around the hospital in wheelchairs, guys, she is cah-razy! And haha, she called Robin a battle axe to Patrick--what a meet-cute that was, amirite? Where was I? Oh, right, Robin. That seems like the kind of attitude one would have after months of grappling with impending doom, not after a few days and at the start of a story. But expecting actual pacing from this writing staff is a lost cause).

I think I just sprained something jumping to conclusions, but this is GH, so going with the most predictable of all outcomes seems like the safest bet. Anyway! Back to Robin and her uncanny ability to make me weep.

If It Weren't So Good, It Would Be So Bad

While I actually do find Rick Powers as portrayed by Austin Peck to be a fairly amusing character, there's pretty much no story on One Life to Live right now that makes me more embarrassed for the show than the storyline he's in with the brothers/sisters/boyfriends/girlfriends quad of Starr, Dani, James, and Nate. (No, I haven't forgotten that we have two-women-with-Gigi's-face storyline still floating around out there unresolved.) There's few clichéd storylines that stick in my craw more than the whole "young star to be has to stand up for her/his integrity against sleazy producer" and, frankly, I just don't believe the OLTL writing staff to be this unsophisticated (despite some of the more unfortunate plots we've been subjected to over the years). When you're writing a plotline that has been featured in an episode of The Brady Bunch, Leave It to Beaver, Step by Step, Family Matters, Growing Pains, Boy Meets World, Saved By the Bell, and Full House, you need to stop yourself instead of surrendering to the guilelessness. In fact, a simple rule of thumb would be, as you put pen to paper (or fingertip to keyboard), ask yourself: "Have Jessie Spano, Mike Seaver, or Urkel dealt with this problem in the same way?" and if the answer is "yes," "sort of," or "I may have missed that episode, but probably," then stop it. Just stop it. During Cole's drug addiction, they managed to resist the temptation of having him sing-yell, "I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so... scared!" Could they not have employed the same self-control here?

 

I have not enjoyed this not-quite-as-good-as-a-student-written-middle-school-play situation, and I would very much like it to just go away, please.

On the other hand, as is so often the case with OLTL, the offerings are balanced with some full-on fabulousness. As much as I loved Todd's return and his first few months back on the show, lately he's rarely shared a screen with any of the scene partners we're all champing at the bit to see him work with. If we weren't gearing up for the end, it wouldn't be a problem because it's not as if he's had bad scene partners. But alas, we are gearing up for the end, so it's been great to see him in the last couple of days back in scenes with Viki and with Blair (now can we get Starr out of her dud of a story and back in scenes with Dad? Or could Dani even have a conversation with him? I'm not dying for this, but Victor was a whole lot more interested in knowing his long-lost daughter than Todd is.).

And today? My oh my, we even got flashbacks. Todd reminded Blair of that time they took trays from Rodi's and went sledding; it was one of their very first outings together as friends.

I'm So Sorry That You're Sorry!

When we last left the good people of Port Charles (sarcasm, obviously) (the "good" was intended to be sarcastic, but the "people" part could be considered snarky as well since I'm reasonably sure that, based on on facial expressions and vocal inflections, there are numerous cyborgs/robots/pieces of wood carved to look like humans residing in town), the writers treated us to a few cliffhangers filled with DRAMA and also, HATRED: Jason, after simmering with rage for the better part of an hour, threw a tantrum and a table festooned with a holiday smorgasbord. Kate urged Sonny to face his Deke demons--I don't know if you've picked up on this, but Sonny had a traumatic childhood. He doesn't like to talk about it, though and the writers follow suit, treating it with their usual subtlety and by that, I mean that they may as well have captions under Sonny that say "TORTURED SOUL" and "CLAUSTROPHOBIC" and "SAD FACE :'("--and they stared at the brownstone, nuzzling cheeks. Lulu continued her descent into alcoholism by finishing a glass of wine (Have mercy!) and making conversation with a turkey while Dante collapsed in an alley.

Did you spend the weekend eagerly wondering what came next? No, of course you didn't. But maybe, at 2:58, you thought to yourselves, "Oh, right. I wonder what's going to happen with that...?"

Nothing will happen with that. Nothing. Those stories are so yesterday, you guys, and instead of leading to any real drama, they just led to a recap-heavy episode where we saw Sam and Jason talking about his tantrum (don't worry, guys--Michael is okay! Because that's what had me worried! Not the image of Edward bursting into sad old man tears. No, Michael!), and Sonny and Kate screaming at each other and talking about having sex, which I thought they did not have, in a deli, and Dante and Lulu talking about how Dante collapsed in an alley after she brought him back to their loft. Not the hospital--their loft. What the what? Plus, we got some tantalizing glimpses of the Scorpio-Drake Thanksgiving and it was adorable, albeit adorably off-camera. Did the show skip an episode, or does the show just not care?

And while I am asking questions with obvious answers, have you ever seen anything like the show's treatment of Sam's assault? No, you have not. This story is not about Sam; Kelly Monaco has been giving it her all, but she's a supporting player in her own drama. What really matters is Jason and how HE'S coping.

Sam: I'm sorry.
Jason: For what?
Sam: For pushing you to spend Thanksgiving with your family.

Sam: You have to stop blaming yourself.

Sam: I've never seen you like this.

Jason: I'm angry! That's just it. I'm mad. It's got nothing to do with the surgery. I'm sorry. What I have to deal with is nothing compared to what you went through.
Sam: That's not true.

Maybe it's a good thing that General Hospital doesn't see much screentime, because I can just imagine scenes where cancer patients visit Jason to make sure that he's doing okay.

Those Tricky Rascals!

Oh, this show. Having Matthew flatline and say he died in some sort of fancy-pants spiritual voiceover the day before a four-day "break" from the show and then having him promptly be revived the following Monday was a dirty, dirty trick. To be fair, though, they had no idea what a craptastic day it was already going to be for One Life to Live viewers and how predisposed we'd all be to bursting into despondent tears and shaking our fists at the sky. And so of course it made his reappearance all that much more rewarding today, no matter how many times we'd all suspected it could happen (while ruminating over a mouthful of stuffing).

Welcome back, Matthew! You're about to be a teen daddy!

Today's episode checked in on the Evans family Thanksgiving, which was adorable. I like the way that some of these recurring characters have developed little quirks and shorthands with each other despite how little screen time they've gotten -- Frankie Faison as Richard Evans was particularly inhabiting a real character today in new and fun ways (instead of just "supporting character's nice dad").

Happy (...?) Thanksgiving, All!

Well.

This will almost certainly go down in history as the most depressing Soapsgiving (yeah, I took it there and I'm not even embarrassed!) of all time, with a heartbreaking episode of One Life to Live--I teared up just reading Louise's recap--coming on the heels of the depressing, infuriating, awful news that OLTL and All My Children won't be going online after all and, after forty plus years, are dead, dead, dead.

But, on the plus side, at least none of us will have our holiday ruined by an angry hitman taking us hostage (emotionally, for once, not literally) and then having a rage meltdown*.

Thanks, Jason. Thank you for being horrible and for making an entire roomful of people--not to mention the viewers at home so, like, an additional three dozen of us!--uncomfortable beyond description. And thank YOU, writers, for making Sam's assault all about Jason and how it makes him feel (it makes him feel ANGRY. And he has every right to be angry, but if Sam was able to make smalltalk at the Quartermaines and try her best to put on a happy face, the table-flipping dick didn't need to table flip!).

*I mean, I don't know your lives, so I guess there is some possibility that such a thing might happen to you, based on the company you keep. I hope not, though.

For all of you celebrating Thanksgiving, enjoy the holiday and eat a lot of treats made with pumpkin. For our Canadian friends, enjoy holiday sales and fun television marathons. Check back over the weekend for a proper recap of this week in Port Charles (SPOILER: there will be a lot of cursing).

The Darkest Day (or Matthew Speaks For Us All)

I feel like today's post should be a sympathy card. There was some cruel television twist of fate that aired today's episode on the same day as today's announcement. 

And do not say I didn't warn you. If you haven't seen today's episode of One Life to Live, stop reading. You don't want to read this before you watch this. Trust me.

Let me just get right down to it if I can make it through without sobbing so hard over my keyboard that I get electrocuted. Matthew narrated today's episode.

"Is there anybody else like Roxy? She's the bomb."

Nora actually expressed concern for the mayor and how what can seem like a spirited hit in a minor physical skirmish can have unintended long-term damage even if the person seems fine. Kind of the way it happened to Matthew.

"Way to go, Aunt Viki. No one keeps the peace better than you."

"John McBain talks just about as much as I do these days."

Roxy tried to convince Shane there's a volcano in Brazil ("all fire and brimstone, red hot lather") that's keeping Rex away on Thanksgiving.

Brody defended Jessica to a fellow patient at St. Anne's.

Clint and Shane had another heart-to-heart and this show is trying its damndest to melt me into the floor. So, Clint's speech to Shane...

Clint: I just did not do right by you and your dad, and I regret that more than you will ever know. Rex is my son, you're my grandson, and me? I'm the fool that waited too long to count his blessings, but you and your father are gifts in my life that I just don't deserve. But I'm going to try and do better. And I'm going to try to be worthy of you, your dad, and (puts his hand over his heart) this wonderful heart that once belonged to your mom. I know I got a heck of a long way to go, so I'm asking you for your patience.

And I don't know why Ford needed to be present for Natalie's apology to Jessica but speaking of that apology, everyone is still showing compassion for Brody for his actions, assuming that he'd snapped rather than assuming he's evil. And Jessica looked truly crestfallen to learn that Brody was back in St. Anne's, back where it all began for the two of them. Three years ago on Thanksgiving. And then Jessica went to visit him in St. Anne's and got the crazy patient to stop taunting Brody! And he asked after Liam and after Nigel and I was thinking about OLTL Thanksgivings past and so grateful for this one because it wasn't the last one.

And they had this lovely exchange...

Jessica: Brody, you didn't lose one child, you lost two. (Three, in a way.  --Ed.) First Ryder, then Liam, and that would drive even the strongest person over the edge.

Brody: You don't have to do this.

Jessica: Hey. Hey. Look at me. You have been my rock for so long. Whenever I felt like I was floating away, you were always there to bring me back down to the ground. You were a good man and you still are.

Brody: How can you say that?

Jessica: Because it's the truth. You are smart and strong and kind, and you're going to get through this.

Oh, and just in case we weren't already choked up at that point (Brody and Jessica 4EVAH!), we then cut to Clint telling Nigel that after what he did for the family, he has to stay for Thanksgiving and they should be serving him and then Natalie held Liam up and did a fake voice for him begging Nigel to stay. So cute!

Farewell to the Pairing of the Year

It'll help if you play this as you scroll down. Slowly!

Sparrow House - When I Am Gone

I am so sad there won't be any more Brody and Liam moments!

How cute was Liam with that pacifier just looking so tranquil while Daddy's pointing a gun at Other Daddy?

I will miss Brody as Liam's father. I really will. (Crazy Eyes and all!)

 

And Soon There Will Be None...

We've known each other for a while, right? So it shouldn't surprise you at all that this news has made led me to, among other things, do my best Blanche Devereaux impression and say loudly, and to no one: I'm devastated. Just devastated.

Kimberly McCullough is leaving General Hospital early next year:

It’s true: GH’s Kimberly McCullough (Robin) is exiting Port Charles, but will air into the early months of 2012. “Kimberly McCullough has decided to pursue her dream of directing full-time, so she has decided to leave GENERAL HOSPITAL as storyline dictates,” says a show spokesperson. “Expect a poignant and must watch storyline for Robin and Patrick.”

Does "poignant and must watch" mean "DEAD"? It probably does, doesn't it? I mean, this IS GH, and Robin IS a female legacy character and this writing staff IS creatively bankrupt so I am envisioning a mafia hit gone wrong and the last person she sees is Jason. I am pre-enraged, folks!

But also? I am really and truly sad. I've grown up watching Robin, who is a true legacy character and who played a huge role in some of the most iconic stories in daytime history. And I certainly don't begrudge Kimberly McCullough the opportunity to do what will make her happy (and I think we can all say that General Hospital makes no one happy) and I wish her nothing but the best, but...Port Charles seriously won't be the same without her.

And meanwhile, my Things on General Hospital That Don't Make Me RAGE list just keeps getting shorter and shorter. Scrubs, even with the shoddy writing they often received (when they received any writing, that is; they were almost always on the backburner, even on the spinoff that was ostensibly a starring vehicle for them. Good lord, why can't I forget about General Hospital: Night Shift?!), was one of the most reliably enjoyable parts of the show for me for YEARS and now I'm losing that. Emma better stick around and be adorable, or else Cameron's going to be the sole item on that list!

What's Grosser Than Gross?

What is grosser than gross?

I'd say it's enduring months of storyline in which Hope broods over Liam (who warrants no woman's interest at this point; he is wishy-washy slime, which means he will undoubtedly be battled over by women until this series gasps its final breath), occasionally kisses him, but mostly sits around with Oliver (who's really into her) complaining and wisting over Liam and then exchanging spit with him. Because apparently mooning over some other guy is enough to make any man fall in love with a woman on the spot, and why would any man be bothered by being the rebound makeout session (especially when he knows he's never going to get the rebound sex!)?

Wait, I digress. The thing that's grosser than gross is enduring all of that and coming out the other end, triumphant that you made it through unscathed, and then being shown the same storyline again.

Except this time in the pathetic Oliver role of a dude who lavishes Hope with inexplicable praise and falls madly in love with her while she pines for Liam, it's her half-brother*.

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

Our latest thoughts on General Hospital, Days of Our Lives, and One Life to Live were featured in our latest column in the November 22nd edition of Soap Opera Digest. 

My Take
by Mallory Harlen

DAYS OF OUR LIVES has always been the subject of sneers and rolling eyes; for some reason, people have long memories when it comes to stories about demonic possessions and entire towns falling victim to a serial killer for approximately three minutes. But when the show is on, as it has been for the past few months (…well, for the most part, anyway. The pacing, as always, leaves something to be desired; I was able to pick the show back up after an extended hiatus in a matter of minutes.), it’s really on and the rest of the soap world—ahem, GENERAL HOSPITAL—could stand to learn a few lessons from it.

Legacy characters in Salem aren’t merely brought out for cameo appearances during big splashy events and holidays: they are the heart and soul of the show. Victor Kiriakis has been hatching evil schemes since I was a toddler, and Jack and Jennifer started their epic romance decades ago and yet it is their stories that I excitedly fast forward to (no offense to the younger set, of course. They’re entertaining, too. Just less so).  Too often, soaps make the assumption that “veteran” is a polite way of saying “stale” and cast aside compelling characters for something new and fun, so it’s wonderful to see the DAYS writers try new things like putting Victor and Maggie together, which is one of my favorite soap twists in ages. Meanwhile, GH’s lone couple of a certain age is Luke and Tracy, whose latest story has seen Tracy sexually blackmailed by Anthony Zacchara which, according to the uplifting score in all of their scenes, is supposed to be hilarious. Because what’s funnier than watching talented actors in an offensive story far, far below them? Anything. Anything is funnier than that.