Serial Drama

Building a Mystery

I'm really quite interested in the resolution to this latest whodunit General Hospital is offering. Well, not interested, exactly--more like I'm anxious for it to be over. Not because I care, in any way, about the identity of the person assaulting unnamed strippers off-camera, but because the sooner it ends, the sooner we can get Michael's dramatic "I AND I ALONE SOLVED THIS CRIME, AND I DID IT FOR ABBY BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" monologue over with. Having that hanging over my head is causing me some serious consternation.

THANKFULLY, we have possibly made some progress on this front. Granted, this could be the reddest of herrings, but considering how nonsensical and lazy the GH writing staff seems to be, it's an incredibly safe bet that the assaulter could wind up being none other than Ronnie Dimestico, he of the shoe polish head for whom I have developed a strange fondness.

Look at how menacingly he is drinking that water!

Ewen's profile of the unsub really drove it all home, although I did become suspicious at Ronnie's ability to quietly move from place to place in a matter of seconds, without making a sound.

Ewen: I reviewed your files and was able to work up a profile on the assault suspect. I'd say you're after a male, Caucasian, 25 to 40, probably not originally from this area.

EWEN: Possibly from somewhere like...Brooklyn.
RONNIE: Fuhgeddaboutit!

Ewen: He's a student of human nature who works and interacts with people outside their homes.

EWEN: ...at places like crime scenes or police stations.

Ewen: Most likely, he's had difficult relations with women in his personal life.

PADILLA: So what you're saying--
RONNIE: GODDAMN IT, PADILLA, CAN'T YOU JUST KEEP YOUR WHORE MOUTH SHUT FOR ONCE?

Ewen: But he would never hurt someone who was close to him. Instead, he takes out his anger and frustration on the strangers, the victims.

RONNIE: So you're safe, Padilla.
PADILLA: ...wha--
RONNIE: DIDN'T I JUST TELL YOU TO SHUT UP?!

Ewen: He may have had a criminal history, but D'onofrio wasn't the attacker. I read his file, too. History of public crime, domestic abuse. Way too obvious. The man you're looking for is far more cunning. You could be standing right beside him and you might not even know it.

EWEN: Just like I'm standing right next to you, looking at you pointedly.
RONNIE: GODDAMNIT, PADILLA!

It COULD just be a misdirect but, come on, the only thing this show loves more than cops behaving poorly is military veterans with no morals.

This Is How a Heart Breaks: Slowly, From Sadness and (Mostly) Frustration

I know that I exaggerate A LOT and make all sorts of wildly melodramatic pronouncements about the many ways General Hospital brings me physical and mental anguish, so you might not believe that this literally happened, because I've also claimed that "I literally fell asleep behind the wheel just thinking about General Hospital" and "This show has literally led my brain cells to deteriorate, causing noticeable, though minor, memory loss", but it's the truth: General Hospital is so hard to sit through that it literally made me cry. Literally.

Of all the storylines--sorry, I forgot the sarcastic airquotes. "Storylines". Because these aren't stories as much as they are single lines of dialogue repeated endlessly--there are two that are compelling. And even those are difficult to sit through; one is immensely heartbreaking and the other is sordid and gross. The rest? Feh. Meh. Snooze. Booooring.

I mean, consider this: my cable guide's description for Friday's episode begins with "Sonny and Kate discuss future plans for the restaurant". They LED with that. Like, that was the part of the episode that would entice channel-flickers to stick around for more. TALKING ABOUT A RESTAURANT.

(Although, to be fair, how else would they have spun it? "Kate is completely and utterly brainwashed*. Lulu's insta-alcoholism worsens**. Johnny can seriously rock some facial hair. Spinelli is the world's worst***")

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

Our thoughts on General Hospital and The Bold & the Beautiful were featured in the January 31st issue of Soap Opera Digest.

My Take
by Mallory Harlen 

GENERAL HOSPITAL’s disinterest in telling love stories is nothing new—I think we all know that if given the choice between a sweeping romance and a slow-motion shootout, GH will always choose the shootout — but it’s especially noticeable when therest of the world readies itself for Valentine’s Day. Love songs on the radio, pink and red decorations as far as the eye can see and then there’s Port Charles; poor, romantically bankrupt Port Charles.

Perhaps that’s overstating things a bit, because there are some truly happy couples. Lulu and Dante were finally married in a delightful, very them ceremony where the only negative was the complete lack of guests on the bride’s side; I know that the wedding coincided with Jonathan Jackson’s exit and that scheduling must have been tight, but it would have been nice to even see Lucky extend even the briefest of well-wishes to his sister over the phone. Steve and Olivia, too, can be classified as a happy couple—they can’t be classified as a couple in which both parties have two distinct personality traits (sorry, show, but “Memphis” is not a personality trait) , but happy? Sure.

The rest of the show is where love takes a backseat to misery. There are the couplings with serious stalker undertones (watching Anthony court Tracy is basically like sitting through a sexual harassment seminar. Bruce Weitz and Jane Elliott should sue) and the couples who are allowed approximately four seconds of happiness. Robin and Patrick have shared some incredibly sweet scenes recently that were almost impossible to enjoyas the omnipresent “Something BAD is going to happen to ROBIN! BAD! And SAD!” foreshadowing was practically suffocating. Jason and Sam were finally married aftera long and often-turbulent courtship (it’s not every couple that can move past one half witnessing the kidnapping of the other half’s son, and also one partner making veiled threats to kill the other, so more power them, I guess) and barely had the chance to behappy before disaster struck, in the form of Franco drugging them both and possibly raping the bride on their honeymoon. I know that the saying goes that happy couples automatically become boring couples, but soap writers, I assure you: the happiest of couples can still be must-see TV if the writing is good.

Two Episodes in One!

Y'all, this show seriously is getting more bipolar than Sonny Corinthos. Today's B&B was half embarrassing, treacly nonsense and half classic soapy feast!

A good lesson can be learned here. While the show is notorious for lightning-fast romances (and marriages!) and break-ups and more inter-familial partner swapping than the Westboro Baptist Church, that's not where speed is refreshing. Speed is refreshing when there's a major secret that someone learns and within three episodes, that someone has exposed that secret to all the relevant parties. 

After one short hilarious episode of being locked in the tower (of the very house of the two people Bill was trying to keep her from talking to), Katie came right out and exposed Bill's ruse in which he bribed doctors to pretend that Steffy was dying in order to keep Liam from leaving her and being with Hope. Bill did a lot of stonewalling when Liam and Steffy were begging him to confirm or deny, and he absurdly even tried to deny it at first, saying he'd locked his wife in the tower so she wouldn't... what, invent a silly story that could easily be disproved?

Anyway, obviously he eventually had to admit it and then the layers got fun. Katie is still convinced that Steffy was involved (she wasn't) and Liam is pretty sure that Steffy must have known (she didn't) and Bill made very little effort to try to exonerate Steffy. Steffy, meanwhile, was obviously shattered since she'd spent the last couple weeks thinking she was dying (as did her entire family), and Bill's scheming has now ruined any chance she may have had to fight for Liam (sure, wasn't going to work, but that's beside the point). Steffy's in a heck of a "girl who cried wolf" pickle right now since it only follows that Liam and Katie would think she was in on it, but that misunderstanding can pretty easily be proven if it even matters anymore. I have to say it's kind of delicious. Bill did all this because he wanted to keep Steffy close to him because he's still hot for her, and now even she hates him. And then she pointed out that Bill and Katie's marriage is probably over now, too, and neither of them could muster up much disagreement there. 

Fun, fun, soapy-ass stuff.

In Praise of Llanview's Scoundrel Population

Next poll! This time, we're voting on our favorite One Life to Live baddies. Not all of them have to be full-on black-hat, mustache-twirling villains... but at least in the neighborhood. And by "favorite," it can mean anything from a villain you loved to hate, a villain you loved to hate as long as he/she was in small doses, a villain you knew was bad but you couldn't help but root for despite yourself, or a villain you despised and who got under your skin so much that you knew the actor was just killing it.

And again, the choices I've offered are just off the top of my head and are in no way meant to be comprehensive, so use the comments section for your write-ins and, of course, to talk about why your villain was the baddest of the bad-ass baddies. Once you've submitted your vote, the system won't allow you to vote again, so remember to pick all your favorites the first time!

 

poll by twiigs.com

Wholesome Fun For The Whole Family!

You can say many things about General Hospital; I have said many things, most of them terrible and many of them potentially slanderous. But one thing you cannot say is that this show is not thought-provoking. Because it is. It makes me think. Granted, it makes me think of the depths of human misery and have particularly depressing internal debates like "Which is funnier: a psychopath faking the death of a child or a psychopath pimping his child out to a mobster and spending the ensuing decades emotionally abusing both of them?*", but I'm thinking!

*Obviously, normal human beings find neither of these horrible things anything less than viscerally upsetting, but General Hospital spun Lucky's presumed death at Helena's hands as a wacky shenanigan and chose to juxtapose the revelation of Claudia's abuse with "comical" scenes of her father and Tracy's wedding (the wedding that came about through threats and blackmail--again with the hilarity!). Are people even writing this show anymore or are plots harvested from a collection of especially perverse Mad-Libs? "Let's see, [OFFENSIVE WORD FOR WOMAN] gets [ACT OF VIOLENCE] with a [WEAPON] and is then [ANOTHER VIOLENT CRIME] on videotape".

More Favorites for Our Late, Lamented Show

Next poll! This one is kind of ridiculous because there are literally thousands of possibilities, so I just came up with about forty off the top of my head... so no one's allowed to yell at me in the comments for forgetting someone obvious! Comments are for your own write-in picks or talking about how very super-awesome all your favorite characters were. And vote for as many as you want (as I would have to, since there's no way I could narrow it down to one!).

 

poll by twiigs.com

Get It, Katie!

I have to confess that I've had a hard time getting my heart into writing about other shows after the loss of One Life to Live, but alas, life goes on. The Bold & the Beautiful hasn't exactly been making it easier, what with more of the tedious Steffy/Liam/Hope "triangle" that somehow involves everyone in town, random instant declarations of love from Nick to Donna (?), and... I'm not even sure what to think about the bizarre cross-promotion with Let's Make a Deal.

But!

But!

Then there's Katie.

Heather Tom has just been tearing it up the past few episodes. Katie knew something sounded just a little too perfect when she heard that Steffy magically turned up with a life-threatening condition right around the very second Liam told Bill of his intentions to leave Steffy and go back to Hope. She did some good digging and discovered that, indeed, Bill had faked the MRI results and paid off a bunch of people so that Liam wouldn't leave Steffy. Because really, when you're a swell guy who wants nothing but the best for your son, the best course of action is generally to make a young woman and her loved ones think she's facing imminent death. Class act, that Bill Spencer. What a catch, right?

SPOILsport

If I were to meet Frank Valentini or Ron Carlivati, I'd rattle off a General Hospital wish list with such speed and specificity that it would, frankly, terrify all involved and they'd back away nervously and then make fun of me later for operating under the assumption that I'm in the position to give them any sort of advice on writing and producing a soap opera since they have done both of those things and I...have built a part-time career mocking people who do those things, almost exclusively in run-on sentences.

So I will stick to offering them sage wisdom here, and I have two pieces after slogging through the interminably boring last few days of General Hospital.

PIECE OF ADVICE #1: Do whatever is necessary to bring Ingo Rademacher back permanently.

Because REALLY. Jax and Michael's emotional conversation was the undisputed highlight of this week, because JAX! And also because Chad Duell and Ingo Rademacher did such a lovely job with their really emotional scenes and because not once--not even for a second!--did I start to fondly reminisce about the time Michael was in a coma, near-death. How Jax was disappointed with Michael for even having a gun and was supportive and kind enough to NOT let loose an expletive-laden "How freaking stupid ARE YOU?" rant and how he's such a good father and--well, all of this.

Michael: So, what? Just because my mom lives here doesn't mean you have to take off. Look, there are -- there's a lot of people here that you care about.
Jax: Yeah. Yeah. You, Morgan, and Josslyn are on top of that list.
Michael: Now that everybody knows that you're alive, why can't you just stay?
Jax: I can't.
Michael: Please. Just stay.

Aww, right? I felt GENUINE sympathy for Michael, which almost never happens anymore these days.

PIECE OF ADVICE #2: Drop this (SPOILERY) plotline. Seriously, it is terrible.

Behind the jump a SPOILER! (a spoiler that you can probably guess if you think of the dumbest, most ill-timed "plot" "twist" these people can throw at you)

Can't Let Go, No No No

All right, forget my whole attempt at dignity and letting go gracefully. This is not a strength of mine (really, ask any of my friends). So now I'll periodically let us have some fun and games. Let's start with a simple poll!

This one is about your favorite episode ever of One Life to Live. This does not count "very special" episodes (e.g., Trading Places, Fraternity Row, Live Week, etc.)... another day for that!

Vote for as many as you want (I know I couldn't pick just one) and add new ones in the comments! And also take to the comments to talk about why!

What was your all-time favorite episode of One Life to Live?

• Tina and the Iguazu Falls
• The Vicker Man premiere
• Other (tell us in the comments!)
• We meet Viki's OTHER alters (besides Niki)
• Billy Douglas comes out
• Dorian "confesses" to killing Mitch
• Karen on the witness stand
• The KAD trial's conclusion
• Asa's wives at his fake funeral
• Bo and Nora's first wedding
• "Todd's" execution
• The series finale
• Dorian and Viki trapped... well, there were a lot of those!
• Jake returns and Megan dies in his arms
• Sarah interrupts Bo and Cassie's wedding
• Tina interrupts Cord and Kate's wedding
• Blair and Todd's gold balloon wedding
• The penultimate episode (Viki's soap opera speech)
• Viki and Clint's second wedding

Created on Jan 21, 2012

View Results

poll by twiigs.com