All I Can Do Is List

Reasons I am compiling lists about General Hospital rathern than doing the professional thing and writing about General Hospital using things like "sentences" and "paragraphs":

For the, what, 50th time (I'm grossly underestimating things, I know), Sonny Corinthos was shot and the show wasted an absurd amount of time making it seem as though Sonny's life was actually in danger. Things more likely than the show doing us all a solid and writing Sonny off of the show:

1. Spinelli speaking an entire sentence in actual English, without referring to someone with a cumbersome nickname.
2. Alexis getting a storyline of her own.
3. The Chew and The Revolution being ratings successes and cultural phenomenons.
4. Making it through one day without reading a particularly embarrassing Lindsay Lohan headline (crashing a Golden Globes party? Girl...)
5. My suddenly not finding all of Aaron Rodgers's State Farm commercials not adorable--I can't explain it, he charms me. Don't tell all of the Giants fans I am surrounded by!

Things I hate about Ethan (besides his retconned existence, because that is obvious):

1. The way he responds to any of his scene partners asking a question with a bizarre braying laugh. "I need your help," says Luke. "GUFFAW", says Ethan. "Are you living at Wyndemere?" asks Lulu. "HAHAHAHAHA," says Ethan.
2. The fact that he is giddy about having sex with an amnesiac on the floor at Wyndemere.
3. The face he makes when reminiscing about having sex with an amnesiac on the floor at Wyndemere.
4. The way he smugs about town lecturing others about Spencer family history and the Spencer-Cassadine feud as if he knows anything about anything.
5. The way he was practically agog at Lulu going by Lulu Spencer-Falconeri, as if hyphenated last names are unusual and as if that particular hyphenation is even that long and complicated.

Cassandra: I wasn't born yesterday. Oh, or was I?
Ewen: Don't play games, Cassandra. You're a beautiful, mysterious young woman and Ethan is clearly a bit of a rogue.

Cassandra and Ewen spent much of today's episode having the above conversation on an endless loop and something about Cassandra's obliviousness and the way that Ewen obviously knows more about this wholly uninteresting scenario than the audience does made me think of--and I know it is blasphemy to even refer to this show alongside General Hospital--Rita and her uncle on Arrested Development. If only the soundtrack blared "For British Eyes Only" over this circular conversation! As it stands, only the following things are less entertaining than these two rando's:

1. I lied: nothing is less entertaining than these two strangers talking about her hidden past.

Patrick: Tell me, tell me. Tell me what you know.
Elizabeth: I know she was devastated when she found out that her viral loads were unstable.
Patrick: Why would she think that I wouldn't want to go through this with her?
Elizabeth: She wanted to spare you the pain.
Patrick: Why would she spare me the pain? So now that I know, am I supposed to ignore this? What am I supposed to do?

Rather than have the truth come out in an emotional, amazingly acted scene between Kimberly McCullough and Jason Thompson, the show chose to have Elizabeth tell Patrick the truth about Robin's illness. Jason Thompson was stellar; Kimberly McCullough was off-screen. Things this is not:

1. Poignant.
2. Must-watch.

Sam: I'm pregnant. I need to know how you feel about this.
Jason:

Jason:

Jason:

Things I was able to accomplish during Steve Burton's extra long reaction shots:

1. A crossword puzzle.
2. A manicure.
3. The completion of a novella.

Comments

[Dawn]

Hate to tell you this but from what I understand The Chew has actually gone up in ratings. :( That saddens me.

[tish]

I for one will never never watch the Chew or the Revolution. Add Katie Couric's talk show to the list as well. I refuse!

GH doesn't make it easy though :)

always enjoy your blog. thanks

[Cate]

So one of the heroines of this show who has gone to hell and back trying to have a child, finally gets a glimmer of hope when her doctor performs a procedure that could help her have children and then on her honeymoon she gets raped by a psychotic mad man who was probably pretending she was her husband while raping her. Now she is pregnant and doesn't know who the father is...apparently the GH chapter of the HeMan Woman Haters Club has not disbanded like we had all hoped. Hate this show!!

[LoriK]

God this show is terrible. I can't believe that 2 of my favorite characters from OLTL are moving over to this crap fest.

I'm happy for the actors to have continued employment, but I don't know if I can watch this horror show, even for them. Adding more characters I care about to the list of people who have to lose so that Carly, Sonny & Jason never, ever do is not my idea of a good thing.

[Soapbaby]

Monday came and there was no 'One Life To Live.' I felt a void I had not even anticipated. I was washed over with sadness knowing that I could not fire up my DVR and be treated to a new, well-written, entertaining hour. After reading this recap and knowing that GH exists when OLTL is no more has turned my sadness into anger. Oh, I hate you ABC!

[uliis]

I guffawed, especially to item # 1 on the Ethan list. God, I can't believe there was a time I let my wall of hate down regarding him. I hope Kristina is hooking up with a hot Yale man who does not sleep in doorways.

[pajama mama]

Mallory, you didn't mention the craziness (or nothing-ness, is more like it) of Luke's scene today with Alexis. I actually really like them together, as friends, but I can't stand the flip-flopping between Luke letting Tracy go and Luke thinking of going after her.

God, what have they DONE to the once great character of Luke Spencer. It's like the writers don't even know what to do with him. So instead, they have these ridiculous mini-plots going on with him that have no substance. I just don't get it.

I only hope that RC can deliver this character (and the viewers) a more deserving storyline. As a viewer who has seen this character since Day 1 (yup, Day 1), it breaks my heart to think of the show going in any direction with him in his current state of complete disarray.

And I have NO words for the sad way that GH chose for Patrick to find out about Robin. He was the one who told Robin about his infidelity, and it was one of the most powerful scenes KMc and JT have played together. Why the writers couldn't mine their on-screen mojo for the unearthing of THIS secret is beyond me.

[julie]

i'm sorry but the "heroine" has been pregnant before and ran around threatening to abort the child b/c she couldn't get her way. and they don't know if she was raped she never went to a dr. and knowing she could have gotten pregnant, why wouldn't she go and get the day after pill. she could have contracted HIV or any std, it's not like they know anything about franco's sex life. this was an irresponsible storyline. when Liz was raped she was a teenager who had been abandoned by her family and thought her granma would blame her, and her family is well known in PC so she didn't go to the dr., but they did get her medical care in bobby, who gave her the morning after pill and got her to go get tested. but here you have a 35+ woman who may or may not have been raped and her husband doesn't insist she goes to the dr. he's in the mob, they have their own drs. this was just a story to try to make jascam interesting and angsty, they failed, they just made her look even more stupid than we know she is and her husband stupid too.

[LadyBug]

Uh? Sam is a "heroine"? Is this a joke? Seriously? Is this for real? When a grown azz woman runs off threatening to abort her baby when Sonny boy wanted to go back to Carly is a "heroine" then I'm Mother Teresa! Ugh. This so-called "heroine" tried to get rid of baby Jake on TWO separate occasions!

Here is the thing about Sam. I just watched Brody Lovett over on OLTL go all wonky on losing Liam back in November and then check himself into St. Anne's for psychiatric help. Sam did some really vile things to Liz, Jason, Cam and Jake and maybe my disgust at this "woman" who was supposedly "maybe" raped wouldn't be so filled with rage inducing desire to stick my foot down her throat if she had actually been SORRY for her actions. Brody actually made amends for what he did to Jessica, John and Natalie. Sam has never once made amends for anything that she's done since sliding into town looking to steal some stupid playing cards from Jax and then tampered with his car so that he couldn't say goodbye to his dying father. Sam is no heroine. This "heroine" decided the best way to get back at Alexis and Jason was to seduce Ric! She's the stuff that I refuse to step on when walking down the street!

[Love Isn't in ABC's Afternoon]

So... there's a Ho having a baby whose father is either a brain-damaged hitman or a psycho whose in love with said hitman? Sounds riveting only NOT. Kid is doomed from the get-go.

Sonny just needs to die. Like dead/dead.

Luke needs a jail cell as I will never forgive or forget what that drunken old fart did to Jake.

Patrick and Robin need each other and some writers who have some idea what "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer" part of vows actually mean.

I think its gonna take a whole lot more than a new HW and EP and a few seasoned OLTLers to infuse this former viewer with a bit of give-a-damn.

[casey]

Sorry Mallory that the scenes of Patrick learning about Robin's illness didn't play the way you hoped. I disagree with your assessment that what occured today in the Patrick/Liz scenes was not 'Must Watch'. I watched and was completely intrigued. I've been thinking that one of the reasons Robin chose to confide in people outside of her family was because she was subconsciously hoping they would reveal her sectret to those she loved most. Maybe it was too much for her to actually say the words to Patrick. I am thilled he finally knows the truth.

Agree. JT was stellar in his reaction to the news. Patrick did not want to believe or accept anyting Liz was telling him. I could see him reflecting back on every convo he's had with Robin over the past month. Why didn't he realize his wife was speaking about herself, instead of a 'patient'?

BH was wonderful too. Liz's original reaction when Robin first divulged her secret and favor request bordored on panic and flight. I had worried her fear might dominate this discussion with Patrick. It didn't. Liz displayed just the right combination of composure and compassion in her delivery of Robin's devastating news. I was grateful to Liz and saddened for Patrick. The scenes played very well. I am now eagerly anticipating Robin's return. I expect her reunion with her family to be overwrought with emotion, as it should be.

[cjr]

I broke the GH cycle a while ago but now there is a huge OLTL sized void in my life (thanks ABC!). I just don't know if I can do it...

[Bourgeois Nerd]

I actually thought the Patrick and Liz scenes were very well-done, particularly on JT's part. Of course, the fact that it came to that is RIDICULOUS, but the scene itself was, I think, powerful.

Alexis and Luke was actually cute until Luke started talking about how Tracy LIKED being cheated on and stolen from. I mean, that's classic Abuser Talk right there.

[Elizabeth]

Wow. I guess I didn't realize that if you'd ever once briefly considered aborting an unexpected pregnancy, you lost all right to sympathy after any future pregnancies following a sexual assault. Good to know! I also had no idea that only teenagers were allowed to react to a trauma by making poor medical decisions. Learning so much from these comments!

BN, I agree completely. Luke's justification for his poor treatment of Tracy has passed from just "boy, that guy's an asshole" straight into "if my friend was dating this man, I would be deeply concerned for her mental and emotional safety." I can only hope RC does some rehab for this character. I will accept nearly any retcon at this point to make Luke even remotely not-repulsive. (Helena's been brainwashing him for the last ten years? SURE!)

[Emmy]

@Elizabeth - I too was horrified by the comments identifying the considered abortion being the main argument supporting Sam's villainy. There are many reasons that Sam should not be considered a hero, but that is not one of them.

In other news, I WANT to watch more Blair and Todd, but it's going to be very difficult for me to stomach this crap again. Sonny's death would make it much easier, though (hint, hint, writers).

[stlbf]

The abortion comments are disturbing to me. As Emmy says, there many reasons that Sam isn't ever gonna be considered a heroine in my eyes. See Ladybug's other comments for some of the best reasons. The fact that she seriously did consider having an abortion isn't one of them. Still, nice to see that TFGH has given the public a primer on how NOT TO HANDLE A RAPE. Once again.

Ethan and Whateverthef@ckHernameIS? Couldn't possibly care less if I was trying.

Elizabeth and Patrick? The scenes weren't bad. They were handled pretty good, IMHO. Yeah, we all wanted to see Scrubs do the telling. But I guess that the writers want to do an angry/heartbreaking moment with Scrubs. More bang for their buck, I suppose.

[Dawn]

I get the feeling that once Robin comes back Scrubs fans are going to get the scenes they want. There is still going to be a "confrontation" about it and Robin will have to explain her reasoning (which makes NO SENSE, by the way). I thought the scenes with Patrick and Liz were fine. The writers decided it was not going to be Robin who told Patrick and since that was the case I am glad, at least, that it came from Liz and not Jason.

[Sarah]

The Chew is actually really good and everyone on it is very likable. I can't speak for The Revolution because I haven';t watched that one yet

[marz]

Maybe posts about the Chew should be on a forum about The Chew. Because this is a soap site. And they're soap killers. Just a thought.

[stlbf]

Honestly, it isn't completely out character for Robin to try to control this situation with her new health issues and her family. As Robin can be a pretty big control freak. For her, keeping Patrick and the rest of the family in the dark can be a huge peace of mind factor. She doesn't want to cause them pain and if they aren't in pain, then she can concentrate on her health. Yes, it is a stupid belief, but it does work for Robin's mindset.

@Sarah, I(and I think that most of us on this blog) don't give a rat's ass for the soap killer new shows. I don't give a shit how wonderful the chefs and Tim Gunn are to watch. As far as I'm concerned, they have hit DEADTOME status.

[Dawn]

WOW! Is there a need to be so harsh with Sarah because she likes a show? Also the show itself isn't a soap killer. The higher ups at ABC are. Can't blame the people on the show (with the exception of Mario Batali who talked crap about soap fans) or those who happen to watch it. I personally do not watch it, but I ain't mad at anybody who is.

[Lucy]

Wow - stlbf & marz both hit it on the head.....Please please, if anyone wants to rave about the soap killing Spew or whatever the hell the other one is called....head over to their websites. We don't care about those shows, nor do we want them to do well. I for one am hoping no self respecting soap fan ever watches either of those duds and they will both crash & burn & be cancelled. Maybe then the idiots who decided to replace 40 something year old soaps with idiotic cooking/lifestyle shows(really I have no idea what the shows are even about - I've paid that little attention to them) will realize that killing a genre that is tried & true was a big mistake. If I want to watch people cooking or giving fashion advice I'll tune into TLC, HGTV, Food Network etc.....I'm pretty sure that's why those networks were created....and will likely be extinct this side of ten years from now.

[Sarah]

@Dawn: Thank you!

And look, I realize now my comment was probably a little passive-aggressive and I apologize. But, the Chew didn't kill anything because it's not a person and the people on it had nothing to with what was on before. Do we blame actors because they're on new show that replaced an old show that got cancelled? No. We blame the network heads

[Lobsel Vith]

Does no one else find it weird that Ethan is sleeping with a woman who looks like his sister, given the similarities Lulu and Cassandra are said to share with Laura?

[Gwen Hayes]

People seem a little crankier than usual today.

[donna]

Sarah, a little bit passive aggressive?

Posting that here when tensions are running high and people are depressed isn't just a 'bit passive aggressive'

I don't come here to read about how much people like you love The Chew.

Take that elsewhere, please.

[stlbf]

Title of blog: Serial Drama

This is still the name of this site right?

Well, unless the everyday personnel of The Spew and The Revoltion start cheating on one another, get kidnapped, have musical montages, catfights and evil masterminds troubling them, I don't care to talk about them. There are perfectly lovely blogs gear towards those shows. Talk about them there.

Trying to go back to topic. Could Jason look any less void of emotions? I admit it, I've never seen the alleged chemistry with JaSam. So they need to wrap this crap up and I'm actually hoping for a Livvie/Caleb reunion with Sam/McBain match. I'll be fine with a nice relatively painless false positive pregnacy test.

[marz]

2nd day without OLTL. Withdrawal?

[soapbaby]

No, it's not a sign of OLTL-withdrawal or being 'cranky' but I am displeased with commentary that uplifts a television show that was developed to replace a long-running soap opera. I invested a lot of time and energy in OLTL. And I do not appreciate being labeled as 'cranky' or overly-sensitive when I am legitimately angry. It's like someone saying an angry woman is on 'the rag' or it's her 'time of the month' when she may be angry about something that pisses her off.

And as much as I disparage GH, I wouldn't conjur up The Chew or The Revolution as adequate replacements. That's more than being passive-aggressive, that's being just wrong. If one wishes to make such an inflammatory statement on a site dedicated to discussing soap operas, they should expect people being upset.

[marz]

I actually am in withdrawal. My 1:00CST show is gone and I freakin' hate it. I have watched those three ABC shows for eons and now there is one left, because someone thinks that shows about how to improve my life (information I can find anywhere in a library, or in a conversation with a friend) are needed to fill the void they seem to think exists. What improved my life was being entertained by these soaps and escaping reality for a couple of hours a day. I'm not cranky-I'm mad as hell!