SPOILsport

If I were to meet Frank Valentini or Ron Carlivati, I'd rattle off a General Hospital wish list with such speed and specificity that it would, frankly, terrify all involved and they'd back away nervously and then make fun of me later for operating under the assumption that I'm in the position to give them any sort of advice on writing and producing a soap opera since they have done both of those things and I...have built a part-time career mocking people who do those things, almost exclusively in run-on sentences.

So I will stick to offering them sage wisdom here, and I have two pieces after slogging through the interminably boring last few days of General Hospital.

PIECE OF ADVICE #1: Do whatever is necessary to bring Ingo Rademacher back permanently.

Because REALLY. Jax and Michael's emotional conversation was the undisputed highlight of this week, because JAX! And also because Chad Duell and Ingo Rademacher did such a lovely job with their really emotional scenes and because not once--not even for a second!--did I start to fondly reminisce about the time Michael was in a coma, near-death. How Jax was disappointed with Michael for even having a gun and was supportive and kind enough to NOT let loose an expletive-laden "How freaking stupid ARE YOU?" rant and how he's such a good father and--well, all of this.

Michael: So, what? Just because my mom lives here doesn't mean you have to take off. Look, there are -- there's a lot of people here that you care about.
Jax: Yeah. Yeah. You, Morgan, and Josslyn are on top of that list.
Michael: Now that everybody knows that you're alive, why can't you just stay?
Jax: I can't.
Michael: Please. Just stay.

Aww, right? I felt GENUINE sympathy for Michael, which almost never happens anymore these days.

PIECE OF ADVICE #2: Drop this (SPOILERY) plotline. Seriously, it is terrible.

Behind the jump a SPOILER! (a spoiler that you can probably guess if you think of the dumbest, most ill-timed "plot" "twist" these people can throw at you)

So...the big Zacchara family secret that Luke found out, the one that caused Sonny to practically dance into Johnny's apartment with glee? It's apparently that Claudia is Johnny's mother.

Which...REALLY? WHY? I mean, aside from the obvious "How can Sarah Brown have an adult son?!" questions, I have so many more. Who is Johnny's father, then? Because it is a whole lot of dark to go the incest route and while I don't doubt that someone on the GH staff would have such an idea, I think at least someone else would step in and point out that this is a little much for an afternoon soap, you know? And if Johnny's father ISN'T Anthony and ISN'T someone on canvas right now, is there a point to this? I mean, Claudia is thankfully dead and Trevor, another likely suspect, also died. So the point of this happening now besides sheer and obvious desperation...? Let's just hope that the new writing staff pretends that this never, ever happened. I'll be willing to play along with that charade.

Comments

[TV's Tim]

It's apparently that Claudia is Johnny's mother.

Uh...right.

It's like a soap opera written by monkeys. Drunken blind monkeys, even.

[Rebekah]

Really, who's the daddy for Johnny? Why, Sonny and his super sperm, obviously. I hate GH for ruining the world.

[Lucy]

Maybe Johnny's daddy was:

Zeke, so Sonny & Johnny can be brothers.

A.J. Quartermaine, so Michael and Johnny can be brothers. And Jason would be Johnny's uncle, explaining his reluctance to blow him away without reason.

An unnamed Cassadine, so Johnny and Nicholas can be brothers.

The same unknown man who fathered Sam, so Johnny and Sam can be brother and sister.

I think I just put more thought into this post than the writers.

[Rene']

The Jax/Michael convo was the first, REAL emotional feeling I've had towards GH besides hack, hurl and gag for SOOOO long! It was really beautifully done on the part of both actors. I had a little choked sob for Michael.

Okay, I know the whole Tracy-is-being-forced-to-marry-Anthony thing is BAD, but was I the only one who just MAJORLY HEARTED Jane Elliott's face when Luke showed up on the yacht??

[Lucy]

I agree Rene, Jane Elliott's face was worth a Emmy.

[Dawn]

What ever that(obvious)birth certificate said, can I just say that I LOVED the smile it brought to Sonny's face. I have no use for Sonny AT ALL but MB has just the most beautiful dimple filled smile and I wish they would let Sonny use it more often.

[Margaret McMahon]

Sarah Joy Brown was born in 1975. Brandon Barash was born in 1979. This alleged story line is beyond ridiculous. Unless they are trying to drive away the remaining soap fans by insulting their intelligence.

[Mike]

I grant you that the age difference between Sarah and Brandon makes the storyline seem stupid (and frankly, I still have a problem with Olivia being whats-his-faces mother).

That being said, am I the only one who thought THIS was where they were going back when Claudia was on the canvas? It was never addressed but I felt they were playing the undercurrent of Claudia being his mom anyway, which would have meant that she was probably raped young - and because of Anthony's hostility towards her, I always assumed that he was the father and was one of the major reasons they seemed to hate one another. The way that the three characters played off one another, I just thought it was the untold story that was understood.

[Chad]

It could be worse. Over in DAYS we do have the infamous case of Sami Brady (born on screen in 1984) having two children with E.J. DiMera (born on screen in 1997)!

[shan231]

Mike, in all honesty, I thought exactly the same thing back when Claudia was still alive. It seemed like they were dropping hints everywhere that Claudia was Johnny's mother, but when she died I figured that story died with her, at least I hoped it died with her. Sigh....

[shan231]

Just watched Friday's episode. Or should I say "skimmed" Friday's episode. Pardon my french but JESUS CHRIST when did this show become such a swirling black hole of smug, misogynist, murdering, lying, thieving, child killing, raping, wife swapping, blackmailing, knuckle dragging bastards and shrill, whining, miserable, selfish, self serving, self righteous, man eating, obnoxious, hair pulling, shrew like twits? We only have a couple of soaps left and this is what they give us? If I see one more close up of some male characters smug face or one more scene of some female character screaming at some other poor sap of a character, I may just lose it. What the hell happened to this show?

[uliis]

shan231, I honestly can't recall any of the women yelling at anyone else this week . . . last week, maybe, but this past week. Oh, wait, maybe Kate, but she never screamed.

[shan231]

Perhaps screaming was too strong a word, but I couldn't think of anything else to call whatever Olivia was doing at Kate. It's all starting to sound like one big screech to me.

[TheGirlWithTheStarTattoo]

All I'm asking is for Liz to have hot sex with Dr.Hunter and Dr.Abs. Why are they giving me "Claudia is Johnny's mother s/l" instead??

[Soapbaby]

GH is so void of creativity. Who gives a damn about this reveal? With Sarah Brown's Claudia dead the opportunity of high-drama accompanying this reveal is lost. Perhaps, it's dramatic if Anthony is still his father and Johnny is the result of incest but I don't think GH has the balls to tell that story. Johnny's father will undoubtedly be some new character we won't care about. I really think The Zacharras should exit Port Charles. This family offers nothing and Claudia was by far the most interesting member of the family and she is gone and SB is not retuning to the role.
I can suspend belief about the story and the whole actors' ages issue because it is a soap. What I cannot suspend belief is that GH qualifies as quality television, let alone a soap opera.

[Bourgeois Nerd]

Yeah, it's not the age thing that really bothers me about this. Soaps do screwy things with age all the time, and though I might laugh or complain about it from time to time, in the end I'm generally willing to go along with it IF it serves some entertaining purpose. Of course "entertaining" is the operative word, and this will undoubtedly be anything but. Claudia's dead, Trevor (who a lot of people thought might have been involved with Claudia) is dead, and though GH looooooves dark, I don't think it really has the guts to go the incest route, especially when we're supposed to see Anthony as some Wacky Kingpin.

[uliis]

Garin Wolf doesn't seem to know how to create stakes. Michael reveals that Carly thought Jax MIGHT be alive, a stripper beater is beating strippers we've never met off screen, Claudia is Johnny's father - who cares?? These things effect none of the characters. GW seems like he doesn't know what he's doing at all.

[Lisa]

I put more thought into what I was having for breakfast than the writers did in this plot line. Into the whole show for the last two years.

Hate GH so much....so....much...

/Homer

[Carrie]

I still don't understand why they are trying to keep Claudia relevant. She was a totally bomb of a character and I feel like they should just keep her in the past. I mean, she comes up more often in Sonny's conversations than his last wife Brenda, who actually should be relevant.
Anyway, I liked Jax and Michael, but I was hoping Jax was staying away and faking his death because he was off blissfully living with Brenda and Alec in Rome.

[hedda lee]

uliis, if Claudia turned out to be Johnny's father, I bet at least a few viewers would find that to be an interesting development...

[uliis]

hedda lee, heh. I noticed that typo as soon as I posted it, but had no way to fix or delete. Oh well, it's really not that much less plausible than the actual scenario. :)

[Jennyp]

I was sure Claudia & Trevor were Johnny's parents when this Zaccara stupidity first started. If that ends up true, at least Molly will have a really cute uncle. As for Jax, someone finally gave Michael actual good, parental advice! It's a sign of the apocalypse!

[mary]

the only benefit to a Claudia and Trevor are really Johnny's bio-parents is if they bring Ric Hearst back. He and Johnny can be the awesome alternative to Sonny * Jason

[Alina Adams]

I agree with everyone who said they always assumed Claudia is Johnny's mother is where this was going from the start. The age thing doesn't really bother me considering Joan Collins is only seven years older than Gorden Thompson, and soaps are kind of famous for this sort of thing.

If this is supposed to be a "surprise," then the only thing I'm surprised about is it took so long to make it happen. I was sure that's what Brown was playing from the start.

[Katie]

I'm with mary. Anything that would get Ric Lansing back on GH is OK with me. :)

I thought today's (Monday) episode was actually pretty good. First time in a long time I haven't FF'd the vast majority of SLs.

[Emmy]

@mary @Katie

Rick Hearst!

That is all.

[LadyBug]

Claudia is Johnny's mother? Snort. Giggle. Chuckle. Snotty nose.

Ugh. GH blows. I would rather see OLTL which wasn't perfect being saved by ABC/Disney than the tripe known as GH. Good Luck Ron and Frank, you're going to need it!

[donna]

Someone should perhaps inform the master thespian Mo Benard that laughter is not the appropriate reaction upon hearing about the rape of a young child.

Atrocious. Simply atrocious.

[Allie]

The Claudia thing is just...there are no words for how stupid it is. I actually still really miss Claudia, though. I loved how she hated EVERYONE except Johnny and how she would spend every scene just spitting nails at people. It was fantastic! (If you can't have Sarah Brown as Carly, Claudia was a nice consolation.)

My GH wishlist is also at the ready and is extremely long but my number one wish is for a Quartermaine resurrection. A.J., Alan, and Emily need to be alive (I don't care how--they could just show up one day--they were in the attic, they were in Aruba, anything--just bring them back).

[Crystal]

Claudia and Johnny were way, way too close when she was alive. It was weird when they were siblings, it's flat out creepy now that they're mother and son.

And I, too, would do anything to get Ric Lansing back. I'd do anything twice to get him with Elizabeth.