Serial Drama

In Which Rewriting History Makes Me Squeal, Not Squawk

Noted medical professional Lisa Lisa once warned the masses, with the aid of some catchy beats, of the phenomenon known as being "all cried out" and while I coudn't find this diagnosis during my latest visit to WebMD.com, I know in my heart that it is real and that my condition was caused by the last few days of General Hospital, which has continued to devastate me to the point where I am seriously (I am being melodramatic, not really serious) (maybe I am being a little bit serious) concerned about dehydration. People are going to start questioning the dark circles under my red, puffy eyes and will probably start to recommend all sorts of multivitamins, which is probably better than the backing away slowly they will do once I explain to them that this is all General Hospital related and everything related to Robin Scorpio, from flashbacks to angelic (?) visits makes me weep an ugly weep.

So in the interest of my own health, I am going to focus on the most silvery of silver linings that today brought us, instead of talking about Maxie learning the truth about Robin, because that--and Jen Lilly's fantasticness. She's uber-talented, isn't she? I still have goosebumps--made me cry, and instead of talking about the fate of little Hope, who I don't even "know", really, but am depressed about all the same because the youth mortality rates in Port Charles are staggering.  Because amidst the tears, there WAS a cackle and a grateful thanks to Ron Carlivati for righting one of Bob Guza's most ridiculous wrongs.

Holly: Ethan isn't a Spencer, he's a Scorpio.
Helena: Well, he doesn't use Luke's name, but he carries his DNA.
Holly: No, he doesn't.
Luke: What are we doing here, Holly?
Holly: I'm finally coming clean. I should have talked to you about this a long time ago. Both of you. I'm sorry.
Helena: Well, this is a transparent attempt to save your son's life.
Holly: It's the truth. Luke isn't Ethan's father, Robert Scorpio is. This isn't the way I wanted it to come out.
Ethan: No! We had DNA tests. We had several of them.
Holly: They were doctored.
Ethan: That can't be.
Luke: Well, you swore to me. But then you've always been a spectacular liar.

This exchange contained all sorts of nuggets of amazing, each more delightful than the last. First and foremost, it handily retconned one of the worst retcons in recent memory in all of three minutes. "Oh, that? Yeah, no, it never happened. Moving on." I can only hope that Holly's explanation is as lackluster as this big reveal. "Why'd I lie? Eh. Because of reasons, and the thing...at the place."

Then there was Ethan's "BUT WHAT OF THE DNA TESTS?!?!" rationalizing. I know that he doesn't KNOW that he's on a soap opera, but surely he knows enough people in Port Charles by now to know that DNA tests are almost exclusively wrong in this town.

THEN there was the HILARIOUS facial expressions he and Luke get making every time Holly dropped a bombshell.

It's like Tony Geary and Nathan Parsons forgot this soap operas aren't a silent medium (regardless of how much I wish they were sometimes) and that eyes don't need to be THAT wide.

But the loudest cackle? The came from reading this interview again...specifically, this passage:

On What Luke has learned from Ethan: "To love life again", states Geary. "Luke has been looking at life as if it were over, the best years gone. He's not kicking it with the relish that he used to. Ethan is reacquainting him with the reasons he loves life. They're so amazingly connected."

They might actually need to invent a new word for "hilarious" just to describe that answer.

The Rare and the Missing

Gosh, who are all these new cast members on B&B?

Eh?

Who?

Okay, seriously, I'm not even lying when I say I'd basically forgotten Marcus and Amber are on this show. Probably because their names aren't Liam or Steffy or Hope, nor do their lives revolve around those three people. So you can see where I'd be confused. In fact, I don't think they've ever had a long conversation about Hope's virginity, which is the theme and premise and setting of The Bold & the Beautiful as far as I can tell, so it's certainly peculiar to have them showing up here. I never thought I'd be thrilled to see Amber, but I was! And somehow she's more fresh-faced and dressed down, which I liked (although her look when she went to Steffy's was... off). Also, flashbacks!

Awww, wee Jacob Young before he started intensely squinting all the time, rockin' the 90s hair!

I'll Forgive You, Patrick, I Will!

I'm assuming that final line of today's show was Patrick asking for forgiveness from Robin -- perhaps because he intends to deliberately "lose" Jason during surgery. Now, even with new showrunners, we all know there's absolutely zero chance Jason won't pull through, but I still just wanted to put it out there in the universe that I for one would be totally willing to forgive Patrick if he went through with it. In case that helps at all.

In fact, I'm in an awfully forgiving mood today for a few reasons:

1. They decided to finally give Helena her fangs back!

 

Considering the history, having Helena pop in a couple times a year for Luke to flirt with her has hardly been compelling storytelling. A real threat? A real non-mob-related-or-freak-accident threat? I'll take it!

2. Helena getting her fangs back meant this happened:

Cassandra/Irina is dead dead dead! Damn, they came right in, gave her a silly and totally hilariously implausible backstory, and dispensed of her lickety-split. I love it! Is that mean? And then Ethan bawled and cried over her, which was also fun since he's known her like a month. Because true love, y'all.

Also:

It gave us the gift of that hilarity, about which I cannot complain.

From The Bottom of My Broken Heart

I've been in a state of minor to extreme General Hospital depression since Kimberly McCullough's exit was officially announced. There were so many times I'd watch one of Robin's scenes--well, that's an overstatement, because it's not like she's had "many" scenes at all since then, so let me revise, for the sake of honesty: there were approximately eight times that I'd watch one of Robin's scenes and tear up, all sentimental-like. "This could be the last time Robin and Mac see each other!" "What if this is the last time Patrick and Robin kiss?" "This could be the last time ever that Robin talks about Jason!"

So I knew that the end to this story, the end of all stories for an iconic character who has been a part of my life since I was a tween with phenomenal taste in daytime television and the good luck to have a school schedule that saw me home before 3:00, would gut me. And every time I went to hit play on my DVR, I had a moment of trepidation: could I handle this? How hard would I actually cry? Did I have tissues, Visine and chocolate chip cookies within arms reach? And was I ready to say goodbye? How gutted would I actually be?

I am...like, ten gutted.

Robin: Listen to me. Listen to me. You have to do this for me.
Patrick: No! No! No! There has to be another way.
Robin: Patrick, do you love me?
Patrick: Yes. You're my whole life.
Robin: You're my whole life. You and Emma are my whole life.
Patrick: Robin, no--
Robin: Patrick--
Patrick: What?
Robin: Patrick, you have to go. The doors are about to lock.
Patrick: I'm not leaving you! I'm not going anywhere!
Robin: I'm not leaving you. I'm in your heart, just like you're in mine. I'm never leaving you. You've got to go.
Patrick: Robin, I love you.
Robin: I love you so much. I love you always.

I completely bypassed the ugly cry and went, full-force, into the realm of "hideously contorted wailing" and haven't looked back. My neighbors probably consider calling animal control every afternoon.

The Crass and the Charming

You know, I have to give it to Brad Bell. When he sets out to crack us up, he does so effectively. At least I'm assuming that's what today's episode of The Bold & the Beautiful was intended to do, because I can't think of another motivation for what we got on our screens. 

Actually, wait. I did think of one other possibility. It's certainly feasible that he thinks women are self-hating idiots and he's written this entire television show just to test out that bogus "all women claim they wanted to be treated well but they really only like assholes" theory constantly spouted by douchey men everywhere, and has therefore set out to make sure women are still drooling over one of his "hunky" lead male characters even in the face of his total, utter heinousness and misogyny.

But that possibility is depressing and infuriating, so I'm going with Option A, the one where Bill Spencer is such a colossal ass because it's really effing funny. Because it is. Really. Effing. Funny.

Some of Bill's stand-out points today:

• "You know science has proven that men think about sex around 35 times an hour."
• Got wine-drunk and fantasized that Brooke was lasciviously opening her shirt for him while in fact she was cleaning some spilled wine with her napkin:

 

And Now, We Count Some Chickens Before They Hatch

Well, the day finally arrived.

 

Today's air episode was the first with Ron Carlivati as official Head Writer. And we all know what this means. General Hospital viewers the world over are morally obligated to pass judgment immediately on Carlivati's material and make a snap decision about the future of the show and the predicted quality of everything Port Charles that he touches from this point on. Ready?

Okay, in all seriousness, I'm trying really hard to just chill and take it episode by episode. No one can possibly envy the crapfest he inherited: a beloved character who grew up on the show is being killed off, we're in the middle of yet another "OH MY GAH WILL JASON LIVE?!" storyline of which the audience already knows the outcome, we just got the most predictable "somebody is appalled by Sonny and then he proves what a martyred hero he really is" one-two punch, and... well, and Kate.

(Hey Kate! Is a brain a foot, or is a brain not a foot? I'm just asking.)

I love how Tracy, Anthony, and the bus boy are all just politely watching the floor show. (To be fair, I really would love it if Kate were the one who shot Sonny.)

Curse You, Technology!

Please imagine me shaking my fist at the sky, raging. "Damn you, wires and gadgets! Damn, you!" Because technology is not a friend of mine today. My DVR did not record what I take to be a pretty damn important episode of General Hospital today, I forgot to charge my phone (which I guess you could spin as being "my fault", but...no) and comments at Serial Drama are being all sorts of wonky.

Just to recap: even though all of our posts are saying that Comments are closed...we don't want them to be! We are not getting rid of our comments section. Hopefully, we'll be able to have our comments back up and running as quickly as possible so we can read your genius and hilarious thoughts. We apologize for the inconvenience and, as ever, blame Sonny Corinthos for all of it.

UPDATE: Comments are back up and running! So if you need to vent about what happened to Robin this week or need to get off your chest just HOW MUCH you HATE Sonny CORINTHOS (when I get to caps locking, sometimes I just can't stop myself), have at it!

Hatred. All Caps, Italicized Hatred.

I had a terrible time starting this post because all I could say--literally, all my fingers would type--was I HATE SONNY CORINTHOS. And that just seemed a lazy start to a post, because, for starters, of course I hate Sonny Corinthos; I have ears and eyes and watch General Hospital. DUH, I hate him. And also because I have been semi-obsessively cataloging my hatred of him through this blog for the past six years. Again, DUH.

But also...isn't "hate" a little to benign a word for the feelings we felt while watching Sonny broadcast, in technicolor, what a horrible little person he is on Friday's show? I mean, there's run of the mill hate and then there's shake your fists impotently at the sky and make horrible noises because you are too filled with loathing to even string letters together to form words hate. Spend an excessive amount of time searching Urban Dictionary for the perfect scathing putdown and rejecting them all for being too pleasant hate. The kind of hate that, ironically, has you acting out just like Sonny would.

At Sonny's benefit for Pulmonary Research (tagline: "because bad things can happen to your child's lungs if they get shot, especially if you weren't the one who pulled the trigger"), Johnny showed up in the midst of his downward spiral, all tousled and sexy and looking for a fight and also, whiskey.

Sonny: Your money's not welcome here. I know, tell you what I'm going to do: for you, I'm going to give $10 million to cover our donation as well as mine.
Johnny: Sonny, your money is no cleaner than mine. Everyone in this room knows it. Isn't that true, Dante?
Sonny: Don't disrespect my son, Johnny!
Johnny: What, you can't speak for yourself, Detective Falconeri? Maybe it's true. Maybe your love and loyalty are for sale. Maybe Sonny finally bought and paid for you tonight, just like he's been trying to do since he shot you, isn't that right?
Sonny: Get him out of here.
Johnny: What, you're going to kick me out for telling the truth?
Sonny: If you choose to stay, I'll just tell everyone the truth about you.

(As ever, please imagine that each of Sonny's lines contained at least one brutally long pause, as well as a few stumbles and painful grasps for the next word)

Approximately six seconds after asking Johnny to leave, Sonny ran out of patience with Johnny, because Johnny made the fatal error of ruining a night that was supposed to be about Sonny's son and all of the other residents of Port Charles who could, in the future, benefit from new pulmonary research. And the odds are high that they WILL need such research, because people in this town get shot so often.Sonny didn't envision spending the evening defending his horrendous life choices and his criminal enterprise; he pictured himself doing little more than basking in accolades and listening with a smug smile as the rest of town gave heartfelt monologues about how selfless and wonderful he is. So he hit below the belt.

What is WRONG with Dante?! (and Other Pressing Questions)

That seemed to be the question of the day. Hilariously. I can't help but watch these episode in light of the recent full court press by the General Hospital cast and staff (and the soap press in general) to get people to tune in to the show to keep it on the air. What if someone's just peeking in for the first time? What must this look like to them?

Based on today's episode, they must have an awful lot of questions. For instance:

- This Sonny guy has dimples and is all dark and handsome and he's really nice to that Kate lady! Why is she so nervous about making him happy? He's such a swell guy, what could he ever have done that would have made her nervous or sad? This sure is a couple to root for!

- Why does this Jason fellow end every scene with the same facial expression?

A Totally and Surprisingly Non-Horrible Valentine's Day

In Port Charles? What? What?!

Before anyone goes crazy on me, no, it wasn't a perfect and wonderful and romantic Valentine's Day episode of General Hospital, the soap about how much love sucks. But considering it is the soap about how much love sucks, it was not a half-bad showing. Maybe I'm just in a good mood because today is the day I'm allowed to eat all the chocolate I see without feeling guilty about it (right?) or because Cougar Town is finally back tonight (I've missed Big Carl so much!). But even if I weren't feeling generous already because of those little joys, GH basically earned a free pass from me today because seriously, they could have knighted town saint/hitman Jason on today's episode and it would have been okay with me because: 

 

Oh! Em! Gee! Anna's back! We knew she was coming, but that paled in comparison to actually having her there on the screen in a full episode. 1985 Louise is dancing a jig in stirrup pants. Duke/Anna 'shipping Louise is cutting out photos from magazines and pasting them on her wall and dreaming of her future groom and what color kilt he'll wear.