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« The Wise & the Lack of Self-Awareness | Main | I'm Committed To Enjoying This While It (Briefly) Lasts »

June 11, 2012

Sucks So Good: True Blood 5.1, "Turn! Turn! Turn!"

Nearly a year ago (NEARLY A YEAR! HBO, you are the cruelest group of people to ever produce television), I finished the season finale of True Blood flailing my hands, shrieking and generally acting like I was high. Which I was, on awesomeness.

After a hiatus spent wondering "How the hell are they going to resolve [INSERT RECAP OF INSANE SHENANIGAN THAT DEFIES REASON AND LOGIC AND CAN ONLY BE DISCUSSED IN ALL CAPS AND JAZZ HANDS HERE]?!?!?" and "But what happened offscreen to [INSERT ANOTHER RECAP OF A TOTALLY DIFFERENT SHENANIGAN WITH A LONG-LOST AND HILARIOUS CHARACTER]?!?!" and "How is it fair that Alexander Skarsgard was filming a movie 20 minutes away from me and I had no idea?! What crime did I commit that deserves such a horrible punishment?!", our show is finally back and Sunday nights are about to get a whole lot campier. Sometimes you need the ridiculous to ease you into a new work week.

So was "Turn! Turn! Turn!" the kind of crazy we all needed? Find out after the jump (and if you're not caught up on last season, get caught up because, you know...it made me high)!

This week's recap is going to be, unfortunately, on the abbreviated side. Not because I don't have anything to say; on the contrary, I could probably write three thousand words just on Pam's wardrobe this episode (because OH EM GEE, RIGHT?!). But with the season finale of Mad Men distracting me and a 5:30 wakeup call looming ahead of me, I need to be brief. Well, for me brief. For most people this is incredibly wordy and embarrassing on a grammatical level.

So...what the hell actually happened?!

Short answer? A lot. Like...a lot. A LOT.

Long answer, in list form?

1. Tara was dying on the kitchen floor at Sookie's missing a good portion of her skull the last time we saw her thanks to the late, great(-ly coiffed) Debbie Pelt. Sookie and Lafayette were horrified, grief-stricken and desperate. So desperate that they asked Pam (!) to turn Tara.

Lafayette: Turn her for us.
Pam: Turn her? I don't even like her.

Pam: I can't be the only one who's noticed she's missing half her head, now, can I? Even if I tried, what's to say she won't rise up out of the ground tomorrow night completely and utterly fucktarded?

Pam: You can use your magic hands, or your super snatch, or whatever power you have over Eric to fix what's broken between us?

I love that they went that route and didn't have Bill or Eric turn Tara, which I sort of thought they would (I knew the girl was going to be turned either way); having Sookie owe Pam and having Pam be a maker to someone who will probably have even worse impulse control than Jessica will mean endless entertainment for me.

So after some cajoling, Pam agreed to turn Tara and insisted on getting changed when they were buried in dirt. And she changed into one of Gran's sweatsuits. And I laughed until I sprained something.

Pam: I am wearing a Wal-Mart sweatsuit for y'all. If that's not a demonstration of team spirit, I don't know what is.

After a very emotional fakeout which saw Sookie sobbing at the idea that her plan hadn't worked and that her best friend (who, as flashbacks showed, was always a badass, even when she was, like, nine) was gone forever, Tara flew out of that hole and attacked Sookie with gusto. So yeah, stuff should be getting fun.

2. Bill and Eric have staked their claim (...kill me. Just kill me, because I'll die of shame anyway) on the title for Most Hilarious buddy duo. I eagerly anticipate their plot this year, not just because of the ASkars gorgeousness and the hilarious way Stephen Moyer pronounces American words, but they are SO, SO FUNNY together, starting from Eric running around in a frenzy cleaning the remnants of Nan Flanagan and her cabal to the two of them basically cradling each other in the trunk of the car the Authority was holding them captive in to Bill being sexiled like a college freshman while Eric boned his sister (they share a maker, not DNA, although Eric made a case for the nurture side in the ongoing Nature vs. Nurture battle, claiming that they fight like real siblings. Of course, he followed that up with "and we fuck like champions", so I don't know what case that is making). The awkward and uncomfortable look on Bill's face while he waited for them to finish will bring me joy for the rest of the week.

Let me rewind: Eric has a "sister" who is a double agent within the Authority who saved Eric and Bill's butts when they were being dragged in for questioning (in the aforementioned trunk while "Silly Love Songs" played which is basically reason 7,234 that I love this show) and arranged for them to evade capture and live abroad with new identities (Bill's? Marcellus Clark. Eric? Ike Applebaum. IKE APPLEBAUM!). Her name is Nora and she is British and her plan is foiled at the end of the episode when her fellow double agents basically explode in an attack by the Authority, leaving her, Bill, and Eric once again in custody, which I have a feeling will be amazing. Because, hello, Christopher Meloni? I cannot wait.

3. Steve Newlin is, hilariously, a vampire. A vampire who walks around in a button-down with a jaunty sweater tied over his shoulders, which killed me throughout all of his scenes. Or it would have killed me, had I not already died at his declaration of love for (a very naked) Jason.

Steve: I think that's why I started acting like I did. Murderous and whatnot.

Steve: I finally have the strength to say: I'm a gay, vampire American. And I love you, Jason Stackhouse.

Jason reacted to this outpouring of emotion pretty genially ("First off, I'm flattered. Yeah, 'cause, um, that was without a doubt the nicest I love you I've ever got from anyone, male, female or otherwise. And second? I forgive you for acting all murderous and whatnot"), which was made about a hundred times better by Steve beaming throughout. But when Jason reaffirmed his heterosexuality, Steve lost it and just before he was going to bite Jason, Jessica stormed in and pulled rank as the de facto Queen of Louisiana, I guess? Steve fought at first--

Steve: I am Steve Fucking Newlin. Who the fuck are you?

but Jason rescinded his invitation and Steve whooshed out with a plaintive "I Love you!" as he floated by.

Then Jessica and Jason had sex, but later, when Jason tried to talk to Jessica more about being "hers", they danced around their actual feelings for each other and tried their best to make the other jealous by flirting with the college kids Jessica was partying with. It was a little lame, to tell you the truth, although I do give Deborah Ann Woll and Ryan Kwanten loads of credit for fully committing to the game of Rock Band they played.

Oh! And Hoyt is still mad at Jason for his immense betrayal and has gotten his friends to also be mad at Jason, and shun him during lunch, because that's what grownups and spiteful middle schoolers do. The cruel taunt they lobbed at Jason? "Girlfriend fucker". That's not an insult, it's a fact! It's also not even cleverly phrased or a little bit creative, so to see Jason really let it bother him was sad.

4. Marcus's wolfpack is totally pissed at Sam for killing him which, remember, he didn't, but he's taking the fall because he thinks he owes Alcide and also because he worries about Luna and Emma's safety. The pack tortures Sam for a while and Marcus's terrifying mother then threatens to hurt the ladies in Sam's life again in order to force him to show her where Marcus's body is. So he does, and she starts to eat him? And it's quite disgusting. And anyway, Luna comes out of nowhere with Alcide and he confesses to killing Marcus and I guess there are going to be some werewolvey dramas this season, because I don't see them introducing someone as wholly scary as Martha (seriously, you know what kind of person starts smoking at four? A frightening person who then uses her nicotine-addled growl to threaten and intimidate others) and then just letting her go after one episode. No, True Blood likes it when the crazies hang around.

5. Speaking of Alcide, he came to warn Sookie that RUSSELL FREAKING EDGINGTON is back and dangerous and a huge threat to her and to urge her to leave town. He totally caught her at a bad time, though, since she's grappling with a maybe-vampire friend and the fact that she killed Alcide's girlfriend. Like, stray body parts are still hanging around. During the visit, she behaved awkwardly and was so clearly hiding an enormous secret--a secret so big that she almost confessed to it, before Lafayette stopped her and had a war of words with Alcide.

Lafayette: We done with all this supernatural bullshit, you heard me?! No vampires, no witches, no ghosts, no maenads. And no motherfucking werewolves!

Not that ANYONE can really keep up with Lafayette in such a war. He spars better than all of us, even when he's filled with grief and guilt and shame (not cool, writers, making me worry that he had killed himself with that conveniently placed pink razor! I have never been so happy to see a shaved head!) and Alcide is just...well, you know. A few steps behind.

Alcide: This is the cleanest kitchen I ever saw. It even smells clean. Like lemons on top of ammonia on top of bleach.

And he said it as an observation, not a suspicion! Poor Alcide.

6. Andy and Holly are a thing, and her teenage sons walked in on them VERY naked in bed, and it was weird. There was also a weird scene with Andy doing a favor for a judge that will maybe be important in the future but had the immediate and tragic effect of forcing me to hear the phrase "You tickle my hang-lows, Bellefleur".

7. Having Scott Foley (AKA Patrick, but I keep forgetting that. Also, can we have a Felicity marathon? I'm not quite sure who I'm asking for that, exactly. But can we at least talk about Felicity? It was amazing) around is making Terry tense and nervous and a little bit violent. There is some whispered talk about "that night in Iraq" and it seems like something horrible went down there because three other members of their team experienced devastating house fires (Creepy Baby Mikey is like, "Uh, can you formally retract all of the arson comments you people were making about me?!") and two of them died, which both perplexes and angers Scott Foley, who confronts Terry about it, who reacts...poorly. Angrily. But also, hilariously.

Terry: Our fire's got nothing to do with y'alls. Ours was started because of a misunderstanding with a super pretty ghost named Mavis who turned out ot be really nice.

I love Terry. I do not want him to have done anything bad, I don't want him to do anything bad in the future and I don't want bad things to happen to him. I just want him to have a nice life as a fry cook and enjoy quiet evenings at home with Felix.

I feel like a TON more happened, but those were the major bits. And it was AMAZING. Next week's recap will be back to my usual, irritatingly verbose standards, but until then: what did you think? Did you clap at the end of it? Because I wanted to. I am so glad these ridiculous people are back in my life.


Pam, as always, was the total highlight last night. "I have dirt in my braaa."

Bill and Eric as reluctant besties is going to be a-MAHZ-ing.

I could not get over Pam's sweatsuit. It had a kitten on it, and from the moment I saw it I knew she would have a well-placed snotty comment. Her line delivery is flawless.

I enjoyed the episode. Some oddly-placed things, but I think it's set up for the season. I will be patient. Sort of. Oh, I a so not patient. I would like a new episode tomorrow, along with one of your very entertaining recaps. :)

I know I'm in the minority but I'm so happy my girl Tara is still on the show. Once she gets under control and past the fact that she is now what she has mostly hated her entire existence on the show I believe she will be one badass vamp. Dearly departed Franklin would be so proud and turned on to see her in her new found fangs!

I live and breathe for the one liners of this show and last night I was not disappointed. From bosom buddies Eric and Bill. Really was I the only one creeped out and slightyly turned on by Eric and his sister by maker relationship. The banging in the metal box had me rewinding the dvr more than once.

Pam and her yellow Walmart sweatsuit had me dying laughing and Lala even though he was heartbroken (yes even I thought he was going to try and kill himself with the pink Ladybic razor) managed to still be his ever loving straight forward sef..."Sook your a white girl the gone believe you!" Anyone else notice that seriff Andy lost some weight....I guess he had to get ready for that butt shot!

"...can we have a Felicity marathon? I'm not quite sure who I'm asking for that, exactly. But can we at least talk about Felicity? It was amazing."

I'm right there with ya, Mallory (and I say that as someone who was totally feeling the love for Scott Foley's Noel Crane back in the day).

COunt me Team Felicity marathon! Name the date and time!

>>>>>>>>(Eric? Ike Applebaum. IKE APPLEBAUM!)

Yeah, Eric's fake name was IkeA. I love it! Obviously ASkars is Swedish but the joke makes even more sense when you know that Ikea is the nickname they use onset for his legendary penis. It earned it's own nickname because until last season, he never wore covering over it during nude scenes and needless to say, everyone was quite impressed with it. For the love scenes last season with Paquin, he understandably had to done the infamous c*** sock.

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