Serial Drama

Serial Drama's Best and Worst of 2012

Daytime television's 2012 was a soap opera of its own, featuring heartbreaking loss (we will never fully be over the loss of One Life to Live, will we?), a rekindled love affair (if people were still using Trapper Keepers, ours would be emblazoned with "I Heart GH!") and a twist that neither of us saw coming when we sat down to work on our annual Best and Worst list.

"I...think we might actually have more bests than worst."
"I think you're right. And actually, I have another best to add to the list..."

That has never happened before! Oh, sure, it wasn't a perfect year and we have a lot to complain about (please read on!), but usually, our Bests are sarcastic and contain nuggets of misery within the ostensible compliment, so this is a brand new experience for us. If 2013 continues this trend, we may need to change our tagline to "We don't mock soaps and our feelings are hurt by people who do".

Let's take a look back at the year that was...

Best Exit
Kimberly McCullough as Robin, General Hospital

Nobody was sadder than we to lose the amazing Kimberly McCullough, but we suppose that if she had to leave, at least she was given the most excellent exit of the year. Her “death” was heart-breaking—to spend so many months worrying that she would die from complications with her HIV and then have her die in a hospital explosion was such a shock, and McCullough absolutely killed us with her final scenes before the explosion at the hospital.

 Months later, and we’re still tearing up at the very thought of the gutted goodbyes she shared with Patrick.

The ensuing fallout, from Patrick’s deep grief and momentary pill addiction — how amazing was Jason Thompson? — to her flashback filled funeral, was nearly perfect. Except for one glaring flaw: the absence of Robert Scorpio, which was the year’s He would NEVER do that! Moment. Would Robert, even crazy with grief, ever willingly skip out on his daughter’s funeral to chase Ethan? No! He would not, and we’re not saying that just because Ethan is terrible (even though he is). Newly-discovered son or no, Robert would be there for his granddaughter and for Anna, and would NEVER cheerfully leave town on an adventure. We can only hope that Tristan Rogers’s upcoming return rights that boneheaded wrong.

Worst Exit
Ronn Moss, The Bold & the Beautiful 

We can't lie. Ridge Forrester and his scarves were never really our favorites. But the fact remains that Ronn Moss was the leading man on this show from its very first episode and throughout its entire twenty-five years. Such feats should at least be acknowledged. But B&B's way to mark his departure from the series was to give him and Brooke a ten-minute living-room wedding ceremony and then have his new (again) bride return to town without him, explaining that he'd abandoned her, his family (including his terminally ill mother), and his company... all because she lied to him about a couple of freakin' text messages from Deacon. Ultimately, not only did they not bother to give him a decent send-off with a few reflections and flashbacks, they milked a lead character's absence for ABSOLUTELY NO DRAMA AT ALL. God forbid a missing or presumed-dead Ridge might take a little focus off a tedious love triangle among a gaggle of post-adolescents.

Seriously, couldn't they have at least done a "Ridge's scarves through time" flashback montage??

 Best New…Well, “New” Character
Todd Manning, General Hospital

With OLTL regrettably over and the show’s powers-that-be headed to GH, it was only a matter of time before some of Llanview’s finest made their way to Port Charles and luckily for all of us, Todd Manning was them and he is, by far, the best "new" character on daytime this year. His sense of humor (Roger Howarth’s ease with zingers would make some veteran sitcom actors jealous) and chemistry with Carly and Sonny (and Sam and basically anybody he happens to interact with) make him endlessly watchable, even when the choices he makes—teaming up with Heather Webber and embroiling himself deeper and deeper in the massive lie about Sam’s son—boggle the mind.

 Worst History Rewrite
Franco and Jason, Twinsies!, General Hospital

As good as GH has become at diving into its legacy, all uses of history aren’t so great and the worst history rewrite in 2012—nay, in recent memory!—was the decision to randomly decide that, oh, Susan Moore actually gave birth to twins and one of the twins was Franco. Sure, it was a way to link Jason forever with his sworn enemy, but wouldn’t that have led to greater storyline potential when Franco was actually alive?! Not to mention that there is something fantastically distasteful about making that horrible sociopath (and complete waste of airtime. We’re bitter) the son of Alan Quartermaine. Why must we punish that family so much? Wasn’t the systematic writing off of most members of the family enough?  

The Soporific & the Hypocritical

Oh good! Steffy and Hope are at each other's throats about Liam again. Santa Claus really does exist, and he gave me JUST WHAT I WANTED.

And I mean really, why should 2012 go out any differently from how it came in? My DVR description for tomorrow's episode tells me that Steffy and Hope continue to fight about Liam, so that seems a perfectly fitting way to spend the final 18 minutes that B&B has in the entire year. The year in which they said goodbye to two of the four leads who have been with the show since the very beginning, twenty-five years ago.

Hope's decided to fight for Liam with a little more fire this time, but who the hell cares? Oh and Steffy's had a complete turnaround. Remember how when Liam was with Hope and Hope would get jealous or upset about the time he spent with Steffy, and how according to Steffy that made Hope uptight and clingy and possessive and childish and controlling and unable to let Liam be "free?" Yeah. Actually, Steffy just made a beeline for Hope's house to tell her to back off of her man and that she needs to respect Steffy and Liam's relationship.

You know, like one should do. One should respect other people's relationships. I mean as long as "one" isn't Steffy, who kissed and professed her undying love to and "cha cha cha-ed" at Liam every chance she got while he was with Hope. (Which cycles it all back around to: Why the hell does Hope want that douchenozzle back??)

Well, apparently she's not taking it lying down this time, or some shit. Or something about how she's a new woman and how Steffy can't threaten her anymore. Or something. And something something something.

Ho Ho Ho-ly Goodness, This Show Is Amazing

Everything you could have ever wanted in an episode of television happened on Friday's episode of General Hospital. I don't mean advances in plot or character development, because the show was about as filler-y as a filler episode can get and those things were just...not there.

No, I meant Tracy Quartermaine wearing a Santa hat for the duration of the episode.

What else in life could a person ever hope for or dream of?

The only other way you might be able to answer that question is "Lots of sweet and snarky Lucy Coe action". And for so many years, the possibility of that ever happening was more than an impossibility, so you've probably trained yourself out of even hoping for it. But this show had that, too!

Lucy: No, wait a minute. I do not need to leave. I used to be, for your
information, the lady of this house.
Monica: Oh, you belong in a house, all right. But not for ladies.

Monica: Well, then kiss my 99% assets and get the hell out of here.
Lucy: You know you're losing out. You need that makeover, by the way.

Really, they could have condensed the episode to a few Tracy Claus one-liners and shots of smirking Lucy (guys, she offered Monica a de-puffer! And it took on a whole new meaning with Leslie Charleson looking...you know what, I'm in a good mood so I am not going to go there, but I AM going to raise an eyebrow archly and give you all a knowing look) and I would have been screaming "EMMY SUBMISSION EPISODE! ALL TIME CLASSIC! EXCLAMATION POINT, EXCLAMATION POINT, EXCLAMATION POINT!" because really.

Although if they had condensed the episode to just Tracy and Lucy, I would have missed the following thirty seconds of things that I also enjoyed to a much lesser degree:

• AJ and Michael's brief coat mixup actually made me say "Aww!" What has happened to me?! I feel like I used to have biting wit, but I've become all ooey gooey and starry eyed. I blame my burgeoning crush on Sean Kanan and the fact that my blood is probably 84% peppermint hot chocolate these days. It's making me all nice!
• Kelly Monaco deserves some serious credit for being able to convincingly convey "annoyance" at the sight of Tracy, when the logical reaction is to clap and squeal.

• I am coveting Carly's cardigan.

Stripey AND neon accents? I want, I need, I have to have.

• I didn't love Carly and Connie-Kate's verbal sparring, but it didn't not entertain me, either.  Carly's regression into a petulant high schooler worked for me with her dramatic eyerolls.

Carly: Then how come every single time I mention your name to Johnny, he cringes? He clenches his teeth, trying not to throw up.

I only wish she had used the term "ralph", because I would have laughed for days.

And I do have to give Connie-Kate props for her sense of humor.

Connie: Carly, you might want to get that checked out. Hearing voices is a sign of mental illness.
Carly: You would know.
Connie, seriously: I would know.

 

Plus, movement on the Nurse's Ball! It's almost all fantastic, which is something my fingers are still uncomfortable typing...

Spectacularly Missing the Point

So Rick's had an attack of conscience and decided to tell Hope that Liam and Steffy didn't really kiss the night before Liam and Hope's wedding, and he and Othello made that up so that she would give Liam the permanent (and very necessary) boot. So, you know, great. We've been watching this unfold for weeks as if it's some momentous piece of information that will CHANGE EVERYTHING. 

So here's the big storyline: Hope has just learned that Liam didn't kiss Steffy the night before their wedding. And the show is treating it like this is Earth-shattering. Despite the fact that the audience knows that Liam and Steffy kissed almost every single other time they were in a room together. (Proof can easily be found in a random sampling of screencaps on MONTHS worth of my B&B posts right here!) So what the hell's the difference?

I realize the show seemed to be presenting it at the time as a bunch of little innocent friendly kisses. On the lips. Between two people who were constantly repeating that they were still in love with each other. You know, innocent as can be! But to do that the night before the wedding, at a club? ULTIMATE BETRAYAL. The entire rest of their engagement? NO BIGGIE.

In Praise of Escapism

I love that soaps just follow soap logic and we so rarely have to feel like they truly hit too close to home. Sure, they make me cry sometimes and they make me angry sometimes, but it's always just an escape. Sometimes a necessary one. Sometimes a most excellent one.

So let's talk about today's escape...

The continued excellence going on over in Switzerland now involves Anna and Duke working together to save Robert's life!

I still can't believe this is 2012. And I mean that in the best possible way. Perhaps this is all because the world is allegedly ending on Friday? Eh. I'll take it.

Elizabeth's bitchface, very much directed at the right person!

Of course, that nasty piece of work Britt took all of Liz's apt criticism and used it in her favor to manipulate Patrick further. (And using Christina Comes Home for Christmas, no less -- a fun One Life to Live reference.)

I don't really want to get into what Ellie overheard Spinelli saying to Maxie today. Maxie and Spinelli drive me insane as a pairing and are even worse when one is pining for the other and all their scenes are about that. I like them okay as friends, though, but y'all. I LOVE ELLIE. Like a crazy person. I can't even specifically identify why. The actress is very appealing and actually refers to Damien Spinelli as "Damien" and he's had to act like more of a grown-up around Ellie and I appreciate all that, but it's more than that. So my already weary heart broke for her today when she overheard the wrong part of Spinelli explaining to Maxie that he would have loved to jump into her arms and reunite with her when she confessed her feelings to him.

And of course she walked away before hearing that wanting to be with Ellie was the deciding factor in turning down Maxie. But misunderstandings based on eavesdroppings are classic soap story staples, so we shall see where this goes. ("Eavesdroppings?" Can we do that as a plural like that? It sounds like little poop pellets left by some dude named Eaves.) 'Cause hey, I like stories. If everyone just ran around all happy and healthy and clear on everything, we wouldn't have those. Our stories! And call me crazy, but I got a little optimistic based on today's dialogue that we're not simply meant to see Ellie as a spoiler for Spinelli/Maxie, and that we are being asked to take her seriously as a character in her own right. I DIG.

Well, That Was One Big Bad Touch

I feel it necessary to offer a disclaimer and make you all aware that I am actually not a prude, even though someone in the comments section of this very blog once implied that I am a virgin who can't drive because I mentioned being unable to watch or listen to Marlena and John kissing on Days of Our Lives without praying for blindness, and also that I love soapy lightheartedness. Seriously, bring on all sorts of zany things and nine times out of ten, I will squeal delightedly because I have a lot in common with toddlers.

But today was ten percenter, because our lightheartedness took a turn for the...incesty.

Olivia, to her son, who had his pants around his ankles because he was in the midst of preparing to make a sperm donation. Because randoms can just barge in on people when that is happening, but honestly, read that again! A mother and her son, who was attempting to...self complete. This is the most disturbing combination of words that can be spoken during this bizarre and unrealistic scenario: I just wanted to tell you that I love you and I'm with you every step of the way.  

AHHHH, amirite?

And then basically IMMEDIATELY after that familiar weirdness, I saw the Folgers commercial in which the overeager sister is just a little and by "a little", I mean "Um, EW", too excited that her brother is home for Christmas and I sort of want to go shower with, like, lye.

The Bad-Ass & The Non-Sensical

Perhaps I'm making the wrong assumption here and I'm giving out way too much credit, but my impression is that Heather Tom is now back from maternity leave. Already.

I mean the woman is a bad-ass. I can't believe she's already back! After having given birth to her first child. And looking healthy and adorable and freakin' twenty-three somehow (seriously, will this woman ever age?).

In other news delivered by the Soap Opera Contrivance Gazette, Taylor has overheard Bill and Brooke talking about their kiss.

I really have to say that I loved how utterly shocked she was at this total non-revelation, especially considering she'd already accused Brooke of this very thing.

A Pile of New Favorites

I have a lot of new favorite things on General Hospital these days. A lot. But can you indulge me to just review a handful of them?

- AJ is my favorite. Favorite, favorite, favorite.

Was that not hilarious when he was all hunched-over, covered in blood, and back from the dead and he was all super-casually, "Oh hey, Elizabeth, good to see you!"

I'm also enjoying his little manipulations, exposing Sonny to Michael. It'd be a lot more devious and evil if Sonny weren't taking the bait at every turn and proving the kind of man he is -- AJ is only setting Sonny up to get caught doing things that Sonny does. So what can I say? As it stands, I find it hysterically entertaining.

- Elizabeth Webber's skilled wielding of a needle. (Lizzie's bitchface is well-documented, but today she kicked it up a notch.)

And as expected (not just because both Sean Kanan and Rebecca Herbst happen to be walking chemistry machines, but also because of the obvious and most excellent drama), Liz and AJ? Oh yeah. Sparks. Sure, sure, their little forgiveness conversation and bonding over Jason was a little too neat, but if it can lead to something hot? I'll take it! It doesn't even have to be a love for the ages, but come on. Neither AJ nor Liz has gotten laid for a long-ass time and that's got to be building up, right? (I'm foolishly trusting the new regime to make sure the next person who beds our girl remembers to wear a damn jimmie this time.)

I'm doing so much potential 'shipping all over the place now that all these old faces are back on canvas.

Varieties of Camp (I Wish It Were Sleepaway)

Soaps are campy. No question. Sometimes they're too campy, sometimes they're not campy enough. But there's so many different possibilities. General Hospital is in the middle of an old-school camp renaissance right now, so it's giving us the full spectrum. A campy buffet, one might say!

So let's take a tour through the varying qualities of this form of storytelling...

There's the best kind of camp. The kind that is outlandish, absurd, completely implausible, but that elicits hoots of joy and happiness because the very implausibilities that define it? Well, they happen to bring back beloved vets, not-so-beloved love-to-hate villains, and tie a crap-ton of unlikely people into stories together. And it becomes a special kind of genius.

This is the very best kind of camp. This is the kind that gives us weather machines, the fact that Robin is alive, the return of Robert Scorpio, hilarious latex masks, the Tale of Two Todds, and Victoria Lord having out-of-body experiences. This best kind doesn't just give us outrageous fun, it gives us those elements that (however unbelievable) lay down the elements necessary for stories that sincerely resonate and that give us tremendous payoff after decades of commitment and viewership.

Exclamation Points Abound

There were so many things to capital L-O-V-E love about today's General Hospital: AJ and Faison--history and nifty canvas integration in one fell swoop is something that happened so rarely on GH that it still feels a little foreign when characters from Port Charles's past are...well, aren't killed off violently in a hail of mob violence, but also when characters from Port Charles's past have interconnected plots with each other and aren't constrained to little pods, like the "mob pod" and the "hospital pod" (not like the hospital was ever featured prominently enough to have a pod of its own during the old regime but still, just go with it). The look on Anna's face when Plastic Duke called her "My Anna". Carly reverting to shrill, selfish, and almost comically petulant type--everybody else in the audience/universe may have full-body cringed with hatred, but awful Carly is my favorite Carly.

But if you know even the slightest bit about me, you know that the thing I love the most was the grainy cell phone picture of Faison, because he was doing a pretty fantastic model strut.

There will be nothing better than this, ever.