Soap Crazy Is Catching

I know it would be safe to assume that General Hospital, with its grim and unappealing blend of dull and awful, finally broke my brain and caused me to storm away from the soap opera genre and my soap opera blog with a loud and defiant "Mallory OUT!" and microphone drop. But it's not outrage or integrity that's leading to my infrequent posting--it's a complete and utter physically inability to think about this show. I feel like I have a mild form of brain damage that you'd see on, ironically, a soap opera.

Hear me out: I watch General Hospital every day. Sometimes I even watch it twice a day, which is bonkers, because I cannot remember anything that happened earlier in the hour. Like, I'll watch and I will feel repulsion at what I'm watching, but when those sixty minutes are over, I'm like "Was GH on today? Did my DVR not record it? Oh, it did, let me watch!" and it's a horrible, weird cycle that I have absolutely no memory of.

So I apologize for my neglect and to make it up to you, I have a list of random notes I jotted down while watching today's episode, that are basically half-baked thoughts to prove to myself that I did inded sit through this show. Let the sound of all of you hastily exiting your browser windows be the soundtrack for the rest of this post...

• Nothing in the world sounded more unnatural to my ears than Silas telling Rafe "I'm cool with that".
• Sam wearing red was, perhaps, the most shocking moment in recent memory. I melodramatically gasped to my empty living room!
• The plaintive music that plays whenever Michael and Kiki see each other, which is often because they won't stay away from each other and also because of contrivance, makes me want to throw things.
• Everything about Taylor and Rafe and their ridiculous plan to get TJ and Molly back is sad and terrible. Literally, everything: the recast Taylor looks easily ten years older than the rest of the teen scene. Rafe makes a single facial expression in all of his scenes, regardless of whether he's supposed to be sad or happy or hungry or anything.
  
  
  
  
  And Operation: Main Squeeze is the dumbest name I have ever heard for a teenage shenanigan, and I am speaking as someone who assigned code names to every person she knew and every situation she was a part of throughout middle school.
• I am SO SURE that Carlos would spend more than a minute and a half longing for Sabrina.
  
  
  He definitely seems like the kind of man who would indulge an immature perpetual middle schooler and carry a torch for her indefinitely because of her great qualities, like...all of those qualities so great they need not be named.
• All of us could brainstorm for less than ten seconds and still come up with half a dozen different examples of the classic "I love you"/"Thank you" conversation that has been the basis for sitcom episode A-plots over the years. It's probably the most cliched five word conversation in television history and yet no amount of overuse could make me love this moment any less:

Sabrina: I love you, Patrick. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you and Emma.
Patrick: Thank you, I'll call you in a little bit.

Cold as ice! Which is a Drake trait, because Emma, possibly having read soap opera spoilers that told her that her mother will be returning from the dead in a matter of days and it's in her best interest to shake up her own storyline a little bit, hit Sabrina where it hurt: right in her mental image of her, Patrick and Emma as the happiest little family in all of Port Charles.

Sabrina: I'm sorry your mommy can't be here for you right now, but you know what? She's looking down on you from heaven and send you all of her love and she always will be.
Emma: I want her here, though!
Sabrina: I'm here!
Emma, pausing for a moment to really twist the knife: ...it's not the same.

I don't know if I'm punchy/mean, but oh how I laughed.

Comments

[C]

I indeed am loving the veer in the writing away from Sabrina being the most awesome awesome ever now that Robin's on her way home.

Everything you said about the teens is spot-on. It's September, why are we seeing this stupid teen story anyway?

I heart Britt and Nik.

[Neka]

Britt and Nik 4-Evah! Britt has the ovaries to be a REAL Cassadine wife. :)

And yes... the BURN when Patrick was like 'yeah, thanks' with no I Love You Back? BRILLIANT!

I like Sabrina but I'm glad Patrick is back to being a total Drake. :)

[Elizabeth Kerri Mahon]

This show is like the Rubik's cube of daytime. I have so many unanswered questions. For example:

What was the point of trying to get Sonny to Connie's funeral if we never see the funeral? Or did I somehow miss that episode?

Why would Carly hire Spinelli to look into Ava Jerome when he was so inept the first time?

Why would Carly waste her time with Franco, when she should be cozying up to Derek Wells/Julian Jerome to find out what he and Ava are up to?

Why is Taylor still living with Felix? Do any of these teens actually go to school?

Why is the show wasting our time with a boring retread of the classic Jason/Karen/Brenda/Jagger quadrangle with the principals are so bland?

Is it just me or were the Franco/Heather scenes clearly meant for Todd/Heather?

Why do the writers focus on the same storylines day in and day out instead of spreading the wealth around? AJ hasn't been seen since Michael confronted him about Diane's defense tactics.

And I agree, I can't believe a man who looks like Carlos would waste more than 5 minutes pining for Sabrina unless he had ulterior motives.

[Judy]

Carlos does look good, but then he opens his mouth and ruins it.

[Poker Face]

Where are AJ and Elizabeth?

The most watched GH show in 2 years had great scenes with AJ/Michael/Liz. Of course TIIC are crediting their new pet for it. Yeah right.

[LJMartiz]

I literally do not watch GH anymore. I just can't. There is nothing remotely interesting about this show. I know 100% how you feel Mallory. I feel that the brain damage is slowly receding from the years of watching...whatever this is supposed to be. (Drama? Torture?)

I have been recently watching Coronation Street on Hulu. It's worth a view and a billion times better than this dribble.

[LadyBug]

There is no need for Rafe or Taylor at this point. Let Rafe find out that Allison is truly alive and ship his butt out of town. Taylor came for the summer so she needs to go home.

Patrick has not taken off his wedding band in the last 18 months so why sugarcube thinks their relationship is nothing more than a booty call blows the mind.

[janet]

I also didn't watch all through the Sonny is back. Or should I say. Sonny ate the show AGAIN! I cannot believe I didn't even care that I missed it. I read the blogs and erased it from my DVD. I read a rumor that the deception story has been scraped, Laura is not on contract, Lucy will be on after Christmas break? AJ is now recurring, that is if they ever even do that? The mob is not only back but we now have two mobs and such stupid cops who will catch them. Even Anna is now part of the keystone cops chasing herself. Dr O just walked out the back door while her and Dante were yelling through the front door.? OK just tell me who is lying? The ratings are up??? I don't believe it Does ABC?

[Em]

This is absurd. No matter how much I like Michael and enjoy the Jeromes, I don't want to watch a poorly done mob show. I want to watch a show with a rich history and legacy characters and heroes who are not in the mob. GH ha a tremendous opportunity to change it's direction, but the fact that Liz and AJ were only on once this week is absurd. I wouldn't even mind the Corinthos storyline if it wasn't consuming the show. Get it together, GH.

[uliis]

no kidding, re: Rafe. Why is mr "I blink when my mom is murdered" still here?

Sonny was the saving grace of Friday's show. Yup, I typed that. Still can't believe I did.

[Cindy]

I agree, Judy. I even tweeted if I missed a day since we went from arriving at the funeral to the party.

I miss the days when stories alternated...three on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, a different three on Tuesday and Thursday. Why can't we have that?

As long as they use SK like they do BA, I can live with recurring, better than gone completely.

Much as I hate the return of the Sonny and the mob to the forefront, I've got to admit..the Sonny meltdown is a joy to watch.

The teens...they just need to be gone. All four of them...a waste of airtime.

I'm going to assume Deception was scrapped to make room for the big return/story this fall. Yeah. That's what I'm going to tell myself. If we return to all mob every day, I'm gone. Much as I enjoy William DeVry, who have to admit is a hoot on Twitter. Best thing I ever did was follow him.

[GuzasuckedandnowI'mdoubtingCartini]

Remember like 8 months ago when we were all, "OMG GH is so good now/it's a miracle/thank God for Cartini!!!"
What the heck happened?

[Cindy]

Dumping on AJ and focusing on Sonny again. I was still enjoying it up until that point.

[Cindy]

Oh and lowered use of the vets, which I don't understand because Cartini used the vets so well on OLTL.

[LadyBug]

I'm starting to think ABC must have cut the budget again which is why they scraped the Deception story based on LH's FB comments.

Any whoo,,,,I hope we see the back of some people either leaving town or in a body bag. Yes, I'm looking at Olivia (Sonny can just dance around town!), Rafe, nuTaylor, ...

[DC]

I sctually think GH is just as good as it was when Cartini took over. I do think alot of the changes are because of the lawsuit going on and so they had to scramble on rushed time to rewrite storylines.

I mean granted I don't like Roger Howarth as Franco. It just doesn't work for me. Everytime he's on screen, his character is still Todd Manning to me. However, Kristen Alderson and Michael Easton have settled into their new roles very well. And for some reason, I like how the writers are giving Michael Easton's character personality, which is one thing John Mcbain lacked. And seeing Kristen Alderson as somewhat of a good girl who does bad from time to time, is refreshing then from her innocent portrayal of Starr Manning.

I find it hard to believe that Carly would want to be with Franco, after what he did to her family (but then again, we all know this is only happening because of the lawsuit). If you ask me Michael Easton and Kristen Alderson should stay, but I think Roger Howarth should go, because as I stated before he doesn't work for me as Franco.

Now granted I don't think they are retreading the mob storyline, if anything I think Cartini has shyed away from that for months. But at the same time he can't forget Sonny is a mobster. And if you look at it, at least the characters involved in the mob war with Sonny aren't one dimensional and have other storylines going on through Canvas.

Best Storylines past and present:

- Olivia gaining psychic visions (Best use of her character), because if it werent for that, she would be very dry and would probably be bumped back to recurring. Plus she was too sanctimonious. How much do you want to bet, Olivia's visions will somehow lead to her discovering Connie's true killer.

-Dr. Olbrecht as Britt's mom. It was a perfect storm, it gave Britt's character another element of dimension. and not to mention with Faison as her father it gave her a whole nother element to her history, especially considering the fact that her mother is holding Robin hostage. Which reminds me how great was it that Faison impersonated Duke with the face mask.

Surfacing of the Jeromes: Move over Zaccharas! I love Maura West and William Devry and the characters they play on GH as opposed to their last current soap roles. Because on As the world Turns Maura always played Carly Synder, the damsel in distress whose always helpless. And then William Devry playing Storm on Bold and Beautiful, barely getting any airtime or dimensions to his character. Making him Sam's father was a perfect touch.

- Felix and Sabrina! I love these two newbies. I honestly thought when bobbie came back to town, it would bring back Lucas. And I mean now is a perfect time to recast or bring the original actor back. Because for one Maxie and Lucas were very close and plus Felix is single! come on writers! and Carly and Felix are already pals, so how great would it be for him to date her brother, plus we could have bobby resurface, maybe a Felix/Brad/Lucas love triangle perhaps??? Just saying!!

-More Monica and Tracy! I feel Cartini does show homage to the vets. I mean Monica has been on screen more often this past year and a half since she's been in years. And the scene where she was removed from the hospital was perfect, it acknowledged the fact of the presence she has on the show. Not to mention it was credited to AJ's return. and Tracy has been showing so much more depth to her character, I hate Tracy when she berates AJ, but I loved her when she showed compassion for Michael and for when Monica got fired, perfect timing.

Mob Storyline (but wait it's different this time!) - I honestly hated the overly dominating mob era of GH 2004-early 2012. But I feel it's ended. Now granted we still have mob storylines, but I feel like there's an actually good balance. Yeah the Jeromes are back. but that's the thing, this mob storyline doesn't just include Sonny, it includes Anna and Duke as well. Which is good they are putting Duke to good use and not letting him or Anna go to waste. and how great is Finola Hughes as police commissioner.

Morgan and Ava- These two are some interesting schemers. Granted it seems the only one of sonny's kids that are remotely interesting is Michael. However, I like the little depths of characters they are giving Morgan, he's growing on me currently. Because at first he was very "dude where's my car", but now we are seeing more. I would really hope they take the time out to develop out Morgan's character and not just write him off as quickly as they did onscreen with Kristina.

-Overall I'm loving GH lately more than I did in years. I mean there's some things, I'm not too fond of Todd and Carly.... sorry Franco and Carly (and by the way that previous line was a mistake, he still feels like Todd Manning to me. And maybe that's because nothing about his character Franco seems different from Todd. I mean Kiki is clearly different from Starr and Silas from John Mcbain.

-Random thoughts, I think they should give Monica a love interest. Maybe Mike could come back to town, counsel Morgan and Sonny perhaps?

-Another random thought, since ABC has dominated daytime for years, how great would it be (athough times have changed), if they developed out another soap? Maybe it could be a spinoff of GH, but not like Port Charles or nightshift. It could follow a GH character whose offscreen at the moment and they live maybe an hour from Port Charles and thus Gh cameos would be all over the place. Kind of like how Y&R and B&B were sister shows. But I loved how all the abc shows were connected at one point. (sigh), very good modern realsitic writing. Thoughts anyone, I would love to hear comments back especially from Mallory.

[lel]

I feel bad for Sabrina because she's gonna get dropped like a hot potato and she's been nothing but golden to Patrick and Emma. It's not her fault she's not Robin.

Sonny needs to go. He was vaguely amusing on Friday but I've seen this story too many times to count and when he goes, he should take Olivia with him.

AJ getting dumped on is a major turn off.

[Em]

So hare the rumors that Sean Kanan got booted/demoted confirmed? I need to know when it's time to stop watching.

In the meantime: truly, if Sonny didn't swallow the show, I actually think that the Corinthos brothers vying for their father's affection would make good soap. CD is awesome as Michael, and the actor who plays Morgan has been more than serviceable in his big scenes. It's unfortunate that I find KA to be a middling actress at best and Kiki a completely intolerable character, because for the life of me, I cannot understand why anyone would be fighting over her.

Can we PLEASE have a few other stories this week? Nick & Brit! AJ figuring out he didn't do it! Liz doing anything! Derek and Alexis! Please!

[lisbeth]

I haven't watched the show in several months. (They lost me for good when the OLTL people came back, again but were different people--straw right there.) But I have been checking in here occasionally to see what has been happening. It sounds like Robin may be coming back---with that, I will give it a try again. Scorpios are my fav!

[C]

Mallory, please please PLEASE tell me you're working on an epic post about the Ava/Morgan sex and Carly's head exploding today and hopefully Kiki's head exploding tomorrow!

[Gjb]

I can't wait till Robin comes back and kicks that teenage bitches ass! And reclaims her family!! They sooo better not have Patrick saying I live u to that stupid teenage flippen twit!!!!! Come bk ASAP Kimberly!!!

[Em]

So, did they push SK to recurring just so they could afford another love interest for Sabrina? The intro of this new character is only acceptable if he is taking Sabrina off into the sunset. Like, tomorrow.
This week is the most I've ever cared about Morgan. And the least I've cared about Michael. The common denominator: Kiki is the worst. I'm starting to think worse than Sabrina even.
I AJ and Liz and Tracy and Lucy have not been on screen in a week. GH built up a lot of good will with me following Jason's death and through AJ's victory at the Quartermaine board vote. But it is running out very quickly.

[Sick of Mean Girls]

Everyone on "Team Britt" is pants-on-head retarded. The constant ass kissing y'all do for that toothy bitch is repulsive.

[Sick of Smug "Good" Girls]

Well then you're not invited to the team meetings. ;)

[Em]

Yo, "Sick of Mean Girls" - you might want to reconsider your user name if you are going around calling people "toothy bitch." Most of the commenters on this site refrain from being assholes about people's appearances, so you're the one being a catty "mean girl."
Soap operas are all about redemption archs. Has Britt acted like a bitch? Sure, as most of Team Britt would agree. But she's also become a well-developed, multi-layered character portrayed by a competent actor. Some of us would rather watch that than one-note, vanilla, constantly-sanctified-by-others characters. You are certainly entitled to your opinion but it is pretty poor form to call people "nuts" over a difference of opinion.

[Em]

I'm sorry, you said the even more mean girl "retarded" not nuts. You are Even more mean girl than I gave you credit for.