Serial Drama

The Not So Secret Keeper

Look, I get it--Derek Wells is dreamy. And you probably thought to yourself "Oh, gosh, I always forget how freaking handsome he is. What can I do to extend this conversation?! I need to keep getting lost in his eyes!" but for the love of, Alexis, your daughter is a private investigator. Private is, explicitly, part of her job title! So I'm not sure why you decided to prattle on, at hyperspeed, about her paternity, her investigative work and, oh yeah, her theory about the long-hidden secrets of a powerful crime family, but you did. And then, to add insult to injury, you didn't even find it remotely suspicious that the normally suave Derek kept laughing nervously and asked about six dozen probing questions. Not only were you not suspicious, but you blithely answered all of those questions and didn't even ask why he was all high pitched and sweaty all of a sudden!

Derek, trying to appear calm and collected: Speaking as a publisher...are you sure about your facts?
Alexis: We had a DNA test?
Derek: HOW?! I mean, uh...[awkward laughter] I can't imagine that would have been easy, getting a DNA sample from a dead mobster.
Alexis: We didn't need it from him. We got it from another family member.
Derek: What family member?

DEREK: Family member? Julian has a family member? What? Huh? I ask because I'm a journalist.
CARLOS: I'm coming in to interrupt this conversation purely for contrivance's sake.
ALEXIS: I should get going anyway.
DEREK: Going? Going where? To spend time with your family? Speaking of family...you were saying something about Julian's family?
CARLOS: Is this a bad time to make a bizarrely timed pronouncement over my heartbreak that Sabrina is getting married to Patrick? I mean, if we're all sharing and whatnot. It is? Okay. Never mind.

Best? Best. Best!

If you find yourself in a conversation with someone and they say "You know what was AMAZING?" and don't immediately follow up that introduction with "Robert Scorpio's face after Dr. Obrecht took their conversation to a TV-MA place" you should probably just end the conversation there, abruptly. Don't worry about feeling rude--if they aren't mentally replaying that interaction and laughing happily at the memory, they clearly don't have good taste in television. Or maybe they are sane. I don't know. What I DO know is that this was AMAZING:

Dr. Obrecht: He wants me to wear your face in his bed.
Robert: Fuck the whaaaat? 

Amazing? Amazing. Tristan Rogers, you are a delight.

Every single moment that Robert and Anna were onscreen together searching for their daughter brought me pure joy--all of the pistol whipping and interrogating and the look on Anna's face when she found Robin's computer with the picture of Emma and Patrick on it. Finola Hughes and Tristan Rogers are just SO good together. I'd say that I'd pay to watch them read the phone book but that seems like it would be incredibly boring for them, but I will say that I'd pay an exorbitant amount of money to watch them just make funny faces at each other for my amusement. That came across as much creepier than I intended it to. Moving on...

The pure joy was almost enough to get me to pay less attention to the, let's say...more terrible parts of today's show. And I don't even mean Patrick proposing to Sabrina, which WAS terrible, but is the kind of terrible that serves a purpose and that purpose is setting up a ridiculous Disney princess wedding that will be interrupted by the arrival of a very much alive Robin. So I can deal with the terrible knowing that the awesome will soon follow (but, yeah, it was terrible. Not just the hollow way Patrick proposed--"I want you to be beside me for the rest of my life. Sabrina Santiago, will you marry me?" with absolutely zero vocal inflection. But also the weird way Sabrina cried, constantly yelping for air between sniffles). I mean terrible along the lines of "Nikolas discovers that his close friend Robin is actually ALIVE and is basically like, 'Oh, funny meeting you here. I thought you were dead. Anyway, BRITT!" and Lulu launching into the world's most ridiculous speech about Maxie's moral shortcomings.

Lulu: I know every lie Maxie's ever told. I know every scam she's ever tried to cover up. I know every single harmful, hurtful, possibly illegal thing and definitely immoral thing that Maxie's done. Once I tell what I know, no court would allow Maxie to raise a parakeet and they certainly won't award her custody.

Okay, I know this is a television show and that some amount of speechifying is expected, but really? People don't talk like that. Also, I cannot put into words my dread over the possibility of a custody battle; there are few things I trust this show to do more poorly than that. Also also, I cannot bear to hear the name Connie even one more time. It was hard enough when the first Connie was still alive (mostly because it was usually either Sonny barking her name or Olivia squawking her name. I think I still have semi-PTSD) and to hear it about a BABY is just absurd. Can't we just use terms of endearment instead?

As Much As I'll Miss The Formal Scarves...

Guys, there is no way for me to break this to you gently and trust me, I've spent the past few minutes seriously considering the best way to do it--"I really love the Essie ridge-filling base coat and speaking of ridges..."? "Funny that you brought Thorsten Kaye up--you didn't? Huh. I must have mishead you. But anyway, now that we're talking about him..." "You guys are always so bold and so beautiful. You know who else is bold and beautiful or will be soon, on The Bold and the Beautiful?"--because I was completely caught off guard when I saw the news with no warning. Like, I panicked at how weird it was. "Am I dreaming? Did I just fall asleep standing up and am now dreaming about my Facebook news feed? That's the lamest dream ever and also, what if I had hit my head on something while I slept-stood?" So I wanted to prevent that from happening to you but I can't, so I am just going to say it:

Thorsten Kaye is now playing the role of Ridge on The Bold and the Beautiful.

TV Guide Magazine: This is wild! How did the deal fall into place?
Kaye: When this came up with B&B I was very excited and didn't even care what the part was. I didn't know what kind of character Mr. Bell wanted me to do but he sounded so confident that he and I could work well together and do something interesting that I just bought into it. He's a great salesman! Then not more than 20 minutes before I got on the phone with you, I found out that I'm the new Ridge, who was a cornerstone of the show. [Laughs] So that's a whole other can of worms, isn't it? They needed someone to step up and I guess I'm the guy. I met Ronn a couple of times and he's a stunning man. And I got a face for radio! So I guess the viewers are in for a hell of a surprise! Maybe during his time away Ridge turned into an ugly European guy. [Laughs] You can't even say that he went and had plastic surgery — unless he went to Serbia for the procedure and now he wants his money back!

 

I know, right? Whaaaa? And WHAT?! And OMGWUT?! are the reactions that flew through the minds of you and everyone you know (or at least everyone you know who watches soap operas) (oh, and also "Ha!" because the above answer was just hilarious and wonderful). Let's hold hands and be confused together.

Masking My Pleasure

At least one General Hospital writer had a serious fondness for Scooby Doo during their formative years, because the show so clearly enjoys mask shenanigans: assumed identities, dramatic unmaskings, lingering closeups on plastic faces.

I can't say for sure whether I share this fondness. On the one hand, it is SO ridiculous and cartoonish and I can suspend my disbelief for a LOT of things, but this is kind of pushing me to my disbelieving limits.

On the other hand, is it really that ridiculous? In a world of aliens and undead serial killers and Sonny Corinthos being considered a romantc catch, why can't heavily accented supervillains have easy access to scarily realistic looking masks?

The first hand would like to raise an eyebrow and wonder how it is that Faison, who spent so many months in a Duke mask, didn't automatically realize that Anna was not Anna. Like, even if these are scientifically engineered masks that don't have the same revolting smell of plastic that a typical Halloween mask from Party CIty does and somehow feel exactly like human skin, you'd think that Faison of all people would be like "Wait a minute..." Especially because I feel like he's obsessively noted everything about Anna from her height and frame to the length of her fingers. "YOU ARE NOT ANNA! YOUR EARLOBES ARE TOO WIDE!"

The second hand (and the first hand concedes) that there is no place for logic and fact in a world that gave us the greatest Faison reaction shot of all time.

 

OF ALL TIME.

Watch This Space (Also: Eeeee!!!)

Ohmigod, you guys--I have about a million and one things to say about General Hospital and far (far) less than a million and one minutes in which to do so. Why does life get so busy? I mean, really--all I want to do is obsessively catalog the hundreds of things I dislike about GH and the tens of things that I enjoy, and work has to be all CRAZY (fun fact: a tween threatened to punch me in the mouth today. Not to worry--while many/most people in the world are stronger than I am, this particular pipsqueak is not. But still! Come on!) and energy-consuming and my best friend goes and has a baby and I'm like "Wasn't it just the morning? Where do the hours go?"

Just kidding: while all of the above is true, the real reason I don't have time to post is because I keep losing time in my endless watching and rewatching of this GH promo, which is the opposite of awesome except JUST KIDDING, IT'S THE MOST AWESOME TO EVER AWESOME.

Let's hold hands and squeal together. Unless you think that's weird, in which case we can silently nod our heads at one another in recognition of the awesomeness.

(Please feel free to use the comments to discuss your most pressing of GH thoughts and wishes and concerns! Like, go ahead and write epic sonnets to William deVry because god knows we all want to. We want to, right? Or is that just me? )