Serial Drama

Reunited and It Feels So Good

FI-NAL-LY! Right?!

I've been waiting anxiously since the big casting news was announced and I'm not going to lie, I worried (this is probably the least shocking admission of all time, since we're all well aware that my default is a rather unappealing combination of stress and irritation). I worried that the show, knowing how much the audience was clamoring for it, would tease us for weeks, if not months ("You think I rush storylines? I'll show you rushing storylines. I'll rush this all the way to 2017 or cancellation, whichever comes first!"). And I worried that what happened onscreen simply couldn't live up to the rather perfect scenario I've been imagining in my head.

But I was wrong and it was wonderful--being wrong isn't wonderful, exactly, but these few minutes have me so twitterpated that I don't even care that my natural pessimism lost out here.

Yes, it happened: Juan Santiago returned and it was everything we all hoped it would be*

 

He's a singer! And he loves Sabrina! And he brought her her mother's wedding dress on his way to a performance! Goosebumps, right?!

Why is everyone looking at me like that? Did someone else have an epic reunion today...?

*I suppose it's a strech to say, even in jest, that we were even hoping for it, because who didn't immediately forget the news that Michael Saucedo was returning mere seconds after it was announced? Was there anyone out there missing Juan? There are like thirty tertiary 90s era characters that I'd be more interested in learning about than JUAN. His were the blandest seconds of airtime all day today. And when everything else is PERFECT, bland really stands out.

My Sanity Is On Trial

My father, who is both adorable and polite, always makes a point of asking how the blog world is treating me (like clockwork, this question is followed up with "Is General Hospital still on?" "Is that the one with Luke?" "Is Luke still on the show?" "No kidding, is he really? What about the other guy?") and I usually give him a vague non-answer. Lately, I am compelled to vent. "Seriously, a custody story? Because this show is so demonstrably capable of handling topics like family and law and family law and common sense? How can I even write about that? I'd just be writing the word HATE over and over again. In lower case, in capitals, with extra a's, with extra e's, bold and italicized. Just hate. The kind of hate that makes you uncreative because it congeals your mind. My mind is congealed with hatred. It's a thing. Really".

He usually responds to that with "Any idea who the Giants are playing this week?"

It's true, though--there are times when watching that I actually sputter with irritation. "Buh! Wha? Ugh!" and dramatically gasp and throw side-eyes to an empty living room. And I can't think of anything funny to say. I can't even think of anything SERIOUS to say, as part of a self-righteous and long rant about the ways in which the show appalls me. All I can think is "I'm so glad this show is over".

The custody storyline? Horrifying. Every single beat of it managed to be offensive and enraging and it's ESPECIALLY galling because one of my favorite soap friendships--and the friends themselves. I intensely dislike both Lulu and Maxie right now. Maxie by a MUCH wider margin, but still: awful, both--was irreparably ruined because...? And why...? I suppose I should be thankful that the judge didn't randomly award Sabrina custody, because god knows everyone else in Port Charles sings her praises and considers her the pinnacle of parenting.

And now, because the show seriously wants to push me over the edge, we have ANOTHER courtroom story, this time a MURDER TRIAL that I am sure will be ENRAGING and I am sure about that both because it ALWAYS is and because it ALREADY included an angry Sonny tantrum in the middle of the trial. Worst, always and forever. Bombastic Scotty and overacting Diane and the myriad ways in which the writing staff misunderstands even the least complex elements of the American legal system are all bad enough, but Sonny outbursts about his dead great love (sarcastic airquotes around great, obviously) are a bridge too far.

And! And! Sabrina and Patrick are getting married and every single beat of it* falls somewhere between bad and terrible. For example, the very idea that Carlos would be hung up on Sabrina to the point where he walks around town sad-facing because she's getting married is so laughably bad. And this? This? THIS?!

Robin: [Patrick and Emma] have Sabrina. They don't need me.

ALL KINDS OF NO. I had a whole rant about it! And then I lost the ability to put words into sentences ("Yeah, we've noticed. Have you read the last few paragraphs"?) and I just have to say "NoNoNo". No!

This driveby post was brought to you by an especially grouchy mood.

*Okay, Patrick asking Liz to be his best man was so sweet and wonderful, but don't manipulate me like that, show!

If I May Be Frank...Or Franco, Rather

GENERAL HOSPITAL: Told you.
MALLORY: Told me what?
GENERAL HOSPITAL: Told you you'd love Franco.
MALLORY: I don't love Franco.
GENERAL HOSPITAL: Yeah, you do. Nailed it.
MALLORY: I don't, though.
GENERAL HOSPITAL: No, you do. You have to. What more could you ask for? You were all "But he's so bad and terrible!" and it's like "Um, no, he's clearly on videotape not doing anything bad OR terrible." And then you were all "No, I still grudges because I'm crazy and obnoxious" and it's like "HE HAD A BRAIN TUMOR, OKAY?" And when you were still upset that he was Alan Quartermaine's son, we were like "HOW'S THIS FOR A LOOP, MOFOS?" and made him HEATHER and SCOTT's kid. HA! Who could see that coming?
MALLORY: No one who actually watched the show in the 80s.
GENERAL HOSPITAL: So now we can all just sit back and watch Carly and Franco be all cute and sparkly together.

Franco: It was an act. You know that. You know there's only one woman in this world for me.

GENERAL HOSPITAL: Couldn't you just DIE?
MALLORY: Yes, yes, I could.
GENERAL HOSPITAL: But the chemistry!
MALLORY: Is...fine?
GENERAL HOSPITAL: I'm sorry, do you even hear yourself? The chemistry is amazing.
MALLORY: Even if--IF!--their chemistry was "amazing", does that make up for the years of misery Franco caused Carly's son and, probably even more importantly to her, her JASON?
GENERAL HOSPITAL: Yes.
MALLORY: NO!
GENERAL HOSPITAL: CHEMISTRY!
MALLORY: That's like saying "Anders Hove and Kimberly McCullough work so well together. Who cares what tragedies he's caused her family, right? Chemistry!"
GENERAL HOSPITAL: ...
MALLORY: Oh, no...
GENERAL HOSPITAL: So, is that something you'd be into? Because I like the sound of that...

In A Word...Ew

I could be saying, loudly and accompanied by a pretty epic grimace, that "ew" about SO many things on today's episode of General Hospital, because so much of it was gross and upsetting on a visceral level.

Every second Sonny and Olivia shared together, for example, was stomach-churning, and that isn't even related to the actual content of their conversation, which I am sort of hazy about on account of not being able to listen over my internal monologue shouting "HE SHOT YOUR SON IN THE CHEST!". It was something about Morgan, I gather? And Olivia just looked at him with these big moon eyes the entire time and it just gutted me. Or made me want to gut myself, rather. And what about when he lunged at the DA (who...can I be frank? Was he a contest winner? I don't think he delivered a single word believably, let alone an entire line) all crazy-eyed and violent?

Sonny, ENRAGED: I'VE NEVER. WORN A WIRE. IN. MY. LIFE!

"I've shot my wife in the head, sir, and I've shot my son in the chest and I blew up my daughter and I am basically terrible in every conceivable way, but a wire, sir? I would never do something so depraved! How dare you?!"

Ew.

Michael and Kiki's confrontation of Ava over her Jerome lies was also gross, because of Kiki's wild-eyed facial contortions (the nostril-flaring! Ew!) and "Talk to the hand" gesticulations as well as Michael's completely unearned smugness.

Michael: We know the truth, Ava. You're connected to the Jerome crime family. Your brother is Julian Jerome.

So patronizing. I clapped my hands in delight at Ava and Morgan's responses.

Morgan: Dude, even if that's true, so what? We're dad's kids, that doesn't mean we're in the mob.

Ava: I'm sure you want to protect your criminal father's crooked business. I respect that.

Hee!

Then you had Carly and Ava's brief catfight over Morgan, where Carly spat out the phrase "Cradle-robbing whore" and Ava made the most over-the-top and ridiculous sex-kitten faces this side of the adult film industry; an ominous (and long--very long) conversation between TJ and Shawn about stuff and things that basically has me worried--or it would be worry if I cared, which I don't--that TJ is going to die. All of it was ew. All of it.

But OH MY GOD, nothing in this world is grosser than Carly and Franco mooning over each other like love struck seventh graders.

 

I...I never knew that two human beings smiling at each other could cause me such discomfort and also rage, but here I am, nauseous and angry. Oh my god, when Carly was all twinkly and charming telling him he had a gift? And how he made sad panda eyes at her and Derek? I am literally (not literally but can we just go with it? Hyperbole trumps grammar here!) breaking out into hives just remembering it.