General Hospital: Hypochondria Edition (My Eyes Still Hurt!)

After Dante sighed in annoyance, no doubt thinking of the mountain of paperwork he'd need to fill out about this useless moron, and shot Franco on Monday's General Hospital, I suddenly found myself in the midst of a pretty substantial existential crisis: do I keep watching or do I end my GH-watching career on a high note, knowing that if I never watched another episode, I could live in a blissful fantasy world and pretend that Franco actually died. Most of me realized that it would be patently absurd to do that (I have Serial Drama to think about and my Soap Opera Digest column and a weird sense of pride. "Really, GH? This is all you've got? Do you know how much worse I've sat through? I blogged the Text Message Killer, mofo. Your weird obsessive love for Franco is like amateur hour. I'll be there tomorrow at 2 or whenever I get around to watching it on DVR with bells on. With bells on") (General Hospital, please note that while it reads as such, it is not actually a dare to attempt to top yourself) but a small, insane part of me smiled at the thought of imagining the fallout. Would Dante get a hero's parade? Would he walk back inside to all of his colleagues in slow motion while a wildly expensive to license celebratory song played over scenes of him shaking hands while everyone applauded? I hope so.

But here we are. I have not quit General Hospital and General Hospital has not quit Franco. On the contrary: they keep...I don't know what the opposite of quit in this context is, because hiring isn't quite right, but: they sure do love Franco and making him do ridiculous things.

No less than three minutes into today's show (which I got to watch live, again, thanks to the snow. Punxsutawney Phil was not playing around), we were treated to an unfathomably uncomfortable meltdown after Franco found Heather's bloody note.

Franco, reading out loud: You're going to pay for this.
Franco, gritting his teeth and growling like a weird feral canine on uppers: HEATHER...WEBBERRRRRR. HOWWWWWWWWW?
Franco: [Screams a high pitched scream]
Franco: [Thrusts against the wind in wordless agony]
Franco: You...survived. How? I...killed you. I....[Screams at the top of his lungs. It kind of reminded me of Dave Seville, which just made the entire ordeal even more awkward to watch] HEATHERRRRRRR!
Franco: [Runs around in a weird circle, jumps up and down, kicks the air]

Unless this was an intentional homage to Great Sportsperson Jim Harbaugh (never forget!) in which case all is forgiven.

I cringed so hard that I might have seriously hurt myself, is what I'm trying to say. I could only half pay attention to the rest of the show (did I miss anything? I heard Felix make a comment about Liz "running her mouth which was awful, and then Nikolas spilled a lot of personal information about Britt to Liz who then put together that Dante is Ben's father because of course she did and what is the point of this character if we're not awkwardly inserting her into paternity storylines, right? And Patrick told Robin about Sabrina. Also, Dr. Obrecht has been rocking some amazingly ornate buns and half-chignons, which I enjoy. Was there anything else? DID WE GET MORE INFO ON ALFRED?! That would be worth a rewatch).

Comments

[Matilda]

Roger Howarth's performance in the opening scene was an embarrassment.I have never seen a more uncomfortable to watch, amateurish or unskilled performance in a professional production.

I never understand when people call him good actor. I never understand when they say they like RH but hate Franco. Franco is a horrid character with the dvd's, tumor, carly love etc. But Howarth makes him worse. His acting choices are abysmal and he does not have the skill to pull them off.

His execution is horrendous, but he also fails on the most basic level of understanding setting and context. How does an actor, who knows that his character has a gun shot wound to the shoulder, use that arm to dig effortlessly,throw his arms in the air, spin around and show no physical signs of distress?This guy needs to go and find something else to do in life.

[C]

My question still is...why would Heather leave such a note in her non-grave in the first place because no part of her plan called for Franco to realize she was still alive?

In other news, Victor and Dr. O might be the next super(evil)couple and that delights me.

[MissyLady]

Felix needs to have all kinds of seat and STFU about Liz.

I, too, think it is stupid to have Liz involved in another set of paternity issues that we saw last year with Sam and the babies are not even her kids!

Victor and Dr. O are the bomb!

[Melissa]

Grrr. Liz is my girl and it is beyond tiresome that she keeps getting shoved into asinine paternity stories. TWO of them at the moment! Why can't she be friends with Britt instead of drippy Sabrina? Why can't she be off being hot and adorable with AJ? Where is AJ? Why can't we have nice things?

Franco is the opposite of a nice thing. I, too, want to live in a world where Dante shot him dead.

[MissyLady]

Liz and AJ should be figuring out who really killed Connie instead of Liz involved in paternity crap.

Todd Manning (RoHo is playing Todd) is here to stay, unless RoHo decides to leave the show.

[Soapbaby]

I did catch the extremely lifeless scenes between Robin and Patrick. The actors completely sleepwalked through their scenes and I admittedly sleep watched. Even Patrick kicking the coffee table over barely registered from anyone involved. Why are Patrick and Robin not angry with Sabrina? It seemed as though they were completely understanding of Sabrina and her big lie. Gah! This show is soulless.

I agree with Matilda I how embarrassingly bad Roger Howarth's performance was. I cringed and shook my head. I suppose it might be considered a good comedic performance if that was what was intended.

I hate that Liz is involved Britt's baby lie but I don't think her conclusions were completely out of nowhere, that Ben and Dante might be related. Still, I want to extract Liz from any baby parentage lies.

I also wish extract Lucas from anything involving Brad and Felix. They are complete wastes and once upon a time I liked Felix. Oh well.

[Cindy]

My highlight was when Dr. O told Britt she wanted to move in and to "Make room for Mutter." Dr. O, heaven help me, was the saving grace of the episode today. The. Saving. Grace.

Oh and Victor encountering Heather (and being from out of town, had no clue who she was). When she walked away, he shook his head, stared in her direction and said "What an odd woman."

Even the glimmer of a premise of romance between Dr. O and Victor? Yeah I'd be on board for that.

[Lisa Houserman]

My gripe of the year, in terms of this soap, is this...Are we really supposed to suspend any rational thinking process and honestly believe that Brad, yes, BRAD, is some kind of gay magnet that every man must have?? OMG, I think he's hideous. HIDEOUS. Have I made myself clear?? Thanks for reading this rant, lol.

[Lisa Houserman]

Just one more thing. I had to LOL when Patrick said something along the lines of wanting to simply have five minutes of a normal life with Robin. If you ask me, and clearly, you did not, they've been cruising along as if she were on vacation for 2 years, rather than having been kidnapped. They have both been acting like all is just ducky. The whole Robin deal is honestly too much for radio and not enough for television. Thanks again.

[kayah]

Personally if Roger was going for the comedy route in the graveyard scene digging up the grave he was right on point because I laughed hard! I watched it a good 3-4 times before moving along with the show. I also wondered how he got the new clothes and he was shot so how was he moving his arm so nicely being shot. Maybe he got some pain pills where he lifted the new clothes he sported!

I was happy when Carly got loose but of course she took too long to get moving out of the catacombs so we could have more Heather/Carly interaction. I was hoping she seriously hurt Heather so she could get away and go off and hide in Australia somewhere for a while!

As much as I love RH, the Franco character is kinda running off the rails for me and I didn't think I would say that since this is a soap we are discussing here. Anyhow, time for RH's break soon right? Maybe we can do a better job with story while he's on holiday so when he comes back things are a little more plausible, maybe~

[Bethie]

I'm concerned with the interaction between Victor and EvilO. It seems to me there was history there. Therefore, I'm worried that maybe this isn't the first time they "got together", and maybe she pulled a Britt/Patrick kinda storyline on Faison all those years ago. What if Victor is Britt's bio dad? Would they go that route? Considering her relationship with his nephew?

Also extremely pissed off that we haven't seen any Robin/Patrick lovin'! If she doesn't tell Patrick why she's leaving, I'll be SOOO pissed.

Furthermore, I Loved Todd Manning, most especially Todd and Blair. I am Hating Franco. Can't they kill him off, make him crazy crazy again, and bring on like a look alike cousin or brother or something, who is just a different character? Who saves the day or something? Uggghhh.

I think if Robin is leaving again, Patrick and Sabrina should be over. Make a love triangle between Liz and Sabrina, with Liz winning out (since I don't think, with the way AJs being treated, that he's long for port Charles). Put Sabrina with the cop that can't act.

[Bethie]

Oh and also, is Felix supposed to be the next Amy Vining? Cuz if so, he's falling short.

[RAP]

I didn't really pay attention to the Franco stuff. I was too irritated by everything with Robin. I seriously thought I might throw things at my television or throw up my dinner.

I was thrilled when Jason Morgan "died" and the thought of Robin leaving to save his useless, worthless self pisses me off. If this is the show's reason to have her leave Patrick and Emma, I am done with her. Be it by choice or against her will - the fact that GH continues to hold up Jason Morgan as anything other than the murdering piece of #%@^&#$ that he is, is a complete turn off to me. Go. Bye. Bye. Do not return. I will have to cease being a Scrubs fan for the first time since December 2005 when Jason Thompson first came to GH and a Robin fan from the first moment Kimberly McCullough first came to GH.

[MissyLady]

Robin running off to rescue a "not dead" Jason is lame. Heck, why not show Robin a picture of "Alan, Georgie, Jake, Emily, Tony", etc and turn it over to her father and Frisco to rescue. Robin, Patrick and Emma should have taken off on a vacation for a few episodes and then casually mention that Robin stopped by to help the WSB with her drug protocol, see, problem solved!

[Janet B.]

On the one hand I have enjoyed GH more in the past year than I had in the last few years of the Guza era. Things happened that never would have before. Nurses Ball, Anna, Scorpios, A.J.! However I also feel a little "bait and switch." Over time, fans get excited over the promise of things and sometimes what we get is very different. We get a lot of vets...but most have no story. Maxie finally got to confront Frisco...but offscreen. Liz fans were excited for her date w/A.J....offscreen. Monica and Lesley had lunch...offscreen. Patrick & Robin were reunited...but never had an in-depth conversation about her ordeal. Or the fact that he was very busy w/2 women in the 2 years since she "died"! I get an impression of Cartini that they talk the talk but don't walk the walk. See how we honor the history of the show? We drop names and bring people on for a cameo. For me there's no depth behind the stunts. A week or so ago was an episode devoted to relationships - Anna and Duke, Sonny and Morgan (heaven help me but I thought it was good), I forget who else, and even though not much happened as far as action, I enjoyed the show because it explored the changes in those relationships. I don't think we see as much of that anymore.

I agree w/Matilda who pretty much said everything I think about Franco. I don't think there is even any pretense that this character is anything but Todd anymore. I just want to know 1) why Dante and nuCop didn't chase him, and 2) where'd he get the coat and change of clothes. For me the digusting part is that Franco and his daughter I mean defender Kiki will be "right" because Franco did not kidnap Carly and everyone who doubted that will be forced to admit it, blecch.

Mallory, I thought that Nik's comment about Alfred putting things in odd places was about Heather taking things on the grounds of Wyndemere and Nikolas doesn't know she's there so he thinks it's Alfred. So maybe you don't have to worry about Alfred's well-being :-) !!

[MissyLady]

I think there is a new "young" Alfred on the show.

I keep seeing comments around the various GH boards that the show is like ADHD and crack all rolled up by RC's inability to focus, because of some old vet or old ABC soap operat that he just has to bring on to the show!

[Lynne]

Mallory, I give you oodles of credit for continuing to watch this and somehow managing to turn the worst (The. Worst!) show of all time into a few entertaining paragraphs! Kudos. Because God. If I had to write anything about GH it would be "Just don't." I watched the show for about 30ish years before finally kicking the terrible habit and gotta tell ya, I feel great. But I sometimes peek in here to read your blog, just happy to know that you, an intelligent, articulate woman, are out there parsing the terrible drivel for us curious types and turning it into something enjoyable. Thank you.