The Fosters: Daddy's Terrible Girlfriend and Lesbian Bed Death, Oh My!

Talk about fan service! Last night's The Fosters (actually called "Metropolis," but I prefer my title thankyouverymuch) was just doling it out left and right.

Disclaimer: all of this has the asterisk of "in an episode without Jude," whose absence in an episode is only forgivable as a thing in the world due to the actual age of the actor.

Let's first deal with the most obvious and wonderful scene for everyone.

First we've got hot young Jesus doing shirtless pull-ups. I mean hello.

Also how cute was his mother just squeezing past him like this is routine? Really cute, that's how cute. But lest they forget the other half of their viewing demographic:

We get Stef doing some bicep curls (and even her son has to point out that she's got some serious guns) (and I really want to know how to get that body type because for real I have been doing hand weights every morning of my life for over 4 years and I still can't even pretend to find a muscle to flex, y'all). But is that not hot enough? I must not be. Because:

That's right, then Stef does some pull-ups. So hot. Thank you, show, for covering everyone's needs. (I feel the need to point out that Jake T. Austin, who plays Jesus, is very much legal and so nobody drooling over him who is not a teenage girl doesn't have to feel guilty.)

Did other things happen in the episode? All of a sudden I'm blanking on anything else.

Oh, Wyatt returned! He was adorably jealous that Callie has more hair than he does now, though I'd say the volume is debatable. I foolishly got my hopes up that his return meant the final nail in the coffin for the Callie/Brandon nonsense but that foolishness exploded in my face later in the episode.

Poor Mariana had to contend with the very serious dementia of Zac's mother, who for some reason is apparently not in any sort of treatment. It's kind of hard to believe that, based on what Mariana has seen in the three times they've met, her behavior up until now has been dismissed by Zac as merely "eccentric."

Stef is understandably upset about the horrible bed that she and Lena "share," but Lena was mostly pissy about it and thinks it'll make the pregnancy easier (and completely ignored Stef's clear hints about how it limits their sexytimes). Because apparently they cannot afford a new bed BUT A NEW BABY NO PROBLEMO. For the most part I love the representation this show offers, but I'd be so grateful if they'd drop the "lesbians just want children, children, and more children" stereotype. I mean where are the cats?? And on what planet is this a good idea? They can't afford a new mattress but adopting two adolescents and then birthing an infant is in the budget?

Meanwhile, Mike's massive red flag of a girlfriend encouraged Brandon to go ahead and make another play for Callie. I guess she's trying to get him out of the house so there's room for her? 13th Step nightmare, people! Anyway, because Brandon is a complete idiot and a douche, he went ahead and made overtures to Callie at the school dance. What they have is worth fighting for because it only happens "once in a lifetime!" (Ha. I know it feels like that as a teenager, but trust me, Brandon, it'll happen 14+ more times unless you're one of the luckiest people alive.) He insisted that it's okay because the adoption won't make him her "real" brother, to which Callie fabulously retorted that he must also be saying that the adoption won't make Stef and Lena into Jude's and her real mothers, which EXCELLENT POINT. He allegedly wants her to get a family but then turns around and suggests it's still not a "real" family, which is pretty much the ugliest and most selfish thing ever. (And also wildly inaccurate.)

What a charmer, right?

Callie tries to get rid of him by claiming to have had sex with Wyatt, so you just know since she's lying this is still not the damn end of this. Callie promptly gets elected Prom Queen or Winter Dance Queen or whatever it was (the dance's theme was "Metropolis," so maybe she was elected German Expressionist Film Queen, I don't know), which turns out to have been part of a set-up by Vico for revenge against Brandon for the whole fake-ID debacle. Callie gets framed for the whole fake-ID-selling and alcohol-bribing ring and because the principal doesn't believe it was a set-up, Brandon steps in to martyr himself and pretends that he himself is the one who framed her. OH HOW ROMANTIC I PUKE. Dear lord, this boy. Anyway naturally, Callie finds this very gallant so runs to tell him she didn't really sex up Wyatt (though if she knows what's good for her, she should get on that) and basically I start pulling my hair out.

Oh right and after he's arrested Brandon tells Mike and Stef the truth about bribing Ana to get Mike off the hook.

Is there no limit to Brandon being the worst? I ASK YOU. At least we have pull-ups to remember.

Comments

[Kim]

Why won't they just put this stupid Brando and Callie thing to rest??

[LJMartiz]

As a lesbian I was very happy for the Stef fanservice. Since I like to torture myself by watching soap operas with their -25 lesbian characters, it's great to finally see fanservice veered to me. It's in a show without Zoie Palmer and Anna Silk too!

Yes cats are awesome and the best. I question anyone's gayness by seeing what the whole cat situation is. They must explain this soon by Lena being allergic or something.

I also want to give you slow clap over your comment about the lesbians want kids trope. It is way annoying and sexist and unrealistic. WTF Joanna Johnson! They already have kids anyway so why the pregnancy?

[Louise]

LJMartiz, I loved the Stef fanservice, too! She's so hot. (Seriously, what is Lena's problem?)

As for the kids thing, extra-depressing was deciding to have an infant because in, what, 7 years the house might feel a little quiet?? (Again, get pets, people!)