Tuesday One-Liners

If someone were to ask me to recap today's General Hospital (this would be highly unusual, because most people do not watch General Hospital, but there is always the chance that someone watched and became so bored from these 44 minutes of dullness that they fell while standing and when they came to, they had--were blessed with?--amnesia and wanted to know what they had missed out on), I honestly don't know what I'd even say. "People talked. In a few different places. About things...you know, things that are happening and things that already happened. Some people even had feelings about these things. Not Silas, though--judging from his tone of voice, he literally feels no emotion. He could be a robot. Does Sam have a weakness for men who are part cyborg? Did she see Robocop in her formative years? Or did she see the remake? I haven't seen either, so I am sort of ill-equipped to be using it as a joke here especially since, the more I think about it, the less likely it is that she'd have a childhood crush on any sort of crime-fighter. I should have gone with a tried and true Small Wonder reference. Can I recap terrible 80s television for you instead? Let's start with Full House and how all of a sudden Jesse had a new last name and no one batted an eyelash and also, how were all three of those girls blonde?!"

I barely remember anything that happened on today's show. I watched it the whole way through and even paid attention to most of it, but it went in one ear and out the other. There was a pretty stellar scene where Anna told Lulu about when Robin was kidnapped as a child (honestly, why does anyone live in this town? SO MUCH CRIME) and Finola Hughes was her reliably perfect self (true story: I had a dream about lamp shopping, because my subconscious is as sad as you'd expect it to be, and I saw Finola Hughes there, also lamp shopping. And when I woke up, I was really annoyed that I couldn't remember what kind of lamp she was getting, because what if this dream was a very stylish sign from above and I wasted it? Also another true story: I actually in real life saw Christian Siriano lamp shopping. He had like two shopping carts filled with colorful lamps) but other than that...? I have the foggiest of memories.

A few brief thoughts:

• Every time Olivia makes some acid-tongued comment about AJ going to hell for killing Connie, I wonder if we will be treated to a scene once it's revealed (if it's ever revealed) that AJ was innocent. We probably won't, but I like to imagine it, especially if it involves AJ's ghost haunting her and calling her names while she makes gravy..
• Franco WHINING about Carly not trusting him and BEGGING her to tell him a secret and basically being an EMO TEENAGER was just so very.
• The Nina story was resolved just the way we hoped it would be: like, it being resolved at all is exactly what I wanted, so I consider this a win. The amount of interest I had in any of this was negative. I am less interested in Nina and her family than Sonny was in Ben's whereabouts and when you consider how quickly he got Olivia to change the subject back to him and his sad pain about "Michael", that is saying something. Nathan and Silas were...sad, I guess? To hear the truth about Nina and her baby (there is no way that child is not alive and a deadly dull adult who will swan into Port Charles and wind up with the most airtime of any actor on the show)--I couldn't really tell, they were both so stoic/robotic throughout. If I cared more, I'd have side-eyed Madeline's dramatic "Every day since she went into the coma, I've wanted to kill myself!" declaration, since not only did she NOT kill herself but she also was fine with her son obsessively investigating Silas for the crime she committed. 
• Dr. Obrecht and Madeline have a history with each other? How fascinating (did that come across as snide? It was supposed to. SUPER SNIDE. Because I do not care and am pre-disdainful of every second of it).
• Maxie's back! I was excited for exactly eight seconds and now I am just worried about what's coming up for her.

Comments

[C]

"Maxie's back! I was excited for exactly eight seconds and now I am just worried about what's coming up for her."

Based on the previews, a triangle with two newbies. How boring.

Finola Hughes and Kathleen Gati were great as always today (when are Anna and Dr. O going to share another scene?!?!), but otherwise...blech.

[annabel]

"pre-disdainful." I will try to work this into conversation whenever possoble.

[Anna]

This show is the worst. THE WORST.

[Ziyal]

I can't believe you just called Full House terrible :OOO

[Trippyjr]

Finola is always fantastic, but why why why is the police commissioner babysitting Lulu instead of at the scene of the crime? This is ridiculous, next she'll be in the back ironing the boys' uniforms. And I get that that flashback is the most iconic Anna/Robin moment ever, but there are a zillion other fantastic ones too. Playing it constantly just drives home the point that Ron doesn't know much or care about GH history.

[kayah]

Basically the Franco being all EMO with Carly had me raging considering the Heather mess from the past few months. Boyfriend wouldn't of had a leg to stand on with pestering me about what Sonny did or didn't do! That he had the nerve to call Carly out in any way annoyed me.
And I like Franco A LOT. It just seemed out of left field for me in a sense.

I have to say though they can make Franco a detective and he'd throw Sonny in jail for murder, since he put it together pretty quick, and give the Keystone cops of GH a break. Franco was right though, Carly sucks at keeping a secret lol~

Um, ME needs a bit more of a pulse with the Nina wrap up, really now. Sigh...If they are totally done with the Nina mess I'm fine with that since my interest was ZERO. Big surprise (sarcasm) that Silas was a bad husband to Nina. Reminds me of a certain Llanview cop who enjoyed playing the field as well.

[Holly]

"To hear the truth about Nina and her baby (there is no way that child is not alive and a deadly dull adult who will swan into Port Charles and wind up with the most airtime of any actor on the show)--I couldn't really tell, they were both so stoic/robotic throughout."

She already has.. her name is Kiki.

[Utoob]

I actually think Ron expects me to care about Olbrecht's pain vis-a-vis Detective Cardboard, which is hilarious on so many levels I can't even. Maybe the show should switch to a "This Is Your Life, Useless Newbies" format, giving them all a chance to fill us in on their complete histories in exhaustive detail so we'll know what we have to look forward to when all their relatives show up.

Maybe Maxie will be involved in the Disney Channel follies, GH is casting more preschoolers.

[Trippyjr]

So basically, the entire point of bringing on super Germanic Abby Magda Ewing was to prop Dr. O, who doesn't get enough airtime, storyline, or propping already. My God, after listening to her stern lectures on the indignity done to the most beloved offscreen character in GH history, menacing a newborn with a 2 foot long knife doesn't seem bad at all.

The main thing to come out of today is that Westbourne is a maiden name, which guarantees a male, besotted Olbrecht. Countdown to his arrival, so excited, can't wait, no pre-disdain at all.

[QuA]

Personally, I hope Anna and Dr. O never share another scene. The actresses work well together but I can't get past the fact that it never makes any sense. Realistically, I can't believe that anyone, least of all Anna, would stand there and listen to her yapping for one second, at least without hauling off and punching her. Apparently, under Ron and Frank's regime everyone is too brain dead to realize they're allowed to walk away from one of the town's resident self-righteous psychos, or have her removed from the premises altogether.

[janet]

Ugh brilliant. It says it all. I can't make myself watch this mess. UGH, UGH,UGH cannot be said enough. I hate to lose the last soap I watched, but now I don't care if they cancel it except for the actors and the people who work there with no way to change it. People need their paychecks.Run Sean, they were going to backburn him anyway. So he went and got a job where they gave him a contract and he can act.

[TIsh]

thanks for the update-- I don't even know who these characters are anymore. The key to introducing new characters is slowly-- not all at once!! I still get my mind around Carly and Franco-- ick.

[LJMartiz]

I had to post to thank you for legitimizing why I don't watch this show. Really nowadays I'm not watching any of the soaps because they are terrible in different ways. One theme that I find with the shows is that the characters who are on the front burner are terrible and unlikable and in the case of GH and Y&R, haven't been on the show for longer than a year. Alas network soaps are going down fast. Websoaps and UK soaps are it for me.

I am only mildly interested in what has been happening. I know that the Donna Mills thing was going to be terrible. I had little faith that we would see anything good and saw it for what it was: stunt casting. That tends to be Ron and Frank's thing these days. We got underwear models running around trying to not stutter through their lines, Franco in general and Sonny being his usual hypocritical self. Olivia who I liked as a character is just so bad now that I want to cry. I know that if the truth were to come out that she probably would not apologize for the horrible things she is saying. I can almost muster a guffaw at Sonny for not even trying to muster up some fake sympathy for Ben. For all of his talk about how he's a great father he can't even try to be there for the son that he shot in the chest?

I will be honest and say that the only thing that would cause me to watch this show was if Britt ended up bisexual and was involved with some woman. Being how terrible this show is, it would probably be the worst. So actually don't do that GH. I'll stick with Beacon Hill.

[Jenn]

WTH happened to this site? Nothing you write is constructive or even intelligent. You sound like a petty angry shipper.

[boes]

==WTH happened to this site? Nothing you write is constructive or even intelligent. You sound like a petty angry shipper.==

The only thing that has "happened to this site" is that it remains the best commentary on GH available anywhere.

And Serial Drama is the exact OPPOSITE of an "angry shipper".

[Nancy]

I agree with Boes....this site is a welcome relief to find others who are equally frustrated with a show I have loved for many years. GH was like an old friend, and some of the characters I have felt very attached to. I feel like it's all been derailed by writers who dont respect history, and just force feed mediocrity and expect us to eat it up. Well I wont, and I look forward to reading this commentary every week!! Mallory, keep making us laugh and giving us a place to rant!