The Fosters: Justify The Means

The TV gods giveth, the TV gods taketh away. Hoo boy do they take away.

I don't want to even get to the worst part of it yet, I'll save that for last. It makes my tummy hurt too much. So let's start with the good stuff. I think there wasn't much good stuff. For once, though, Mariana's dance team subplot gave an episode some much needed levity when Callie, trying to be a supportive sister, auditioned for Mariana and Tia. And Mariana's big fat giant heart was too big to notice at first that Callie was a horrible dancer (although adorably horrible!), so she made the team. Thankfully they sorted this all out before the end of the episode, which also showed us that Emma is also an amazing dancer because she is superhuman and good at everything, which did not interest Jesus. Speaking of Jesus, we STILL DON'T KNOW if he's going to this military wrestling academy. The cursor moved about one space as his other siblings found out about the possibility. With all due respect, whether or not Jesus takes this scholarship is not an exciting enough story arc to last for half a season. I mean, it's Jesus. Let's get real here.

Speaking of annoyingly similar stories, we got about three hairs of movement on the big exciting WILL BRANDON GO TO IDYLLWILD OR NOT? plotlet in the form of this inexplicably eager and goofy dude showing up:

He's here to explain that Brandon lost his Idyllwild spot because he took too freakin' long to make a decision, but when Goofy here explained to them that he was indecisive because he was considering going on tour with his pop band, the folks in charge were so impressed that they invented a whole new spot for him at their academy! Except this time he has to audition! 

This displeases Brandon! How come poor Brandon's life sucks so much! He breaks the law and never gets penalized, he breaks the rules and never gets punished, and he lets the clock run out on a phenomenal opportunity and gets a second chance for no reason at all! The heart bleeds, y'all, it really does. He's got it rough. 

Speaking of people who have it rough, Monte is now in Stef's crosshairs. Stef does not appreciate the bonding that's been happening between Monte and Lena, so she is now going to kill her with passive-aggressive kindness.

Yup, yup, that's totally a sincere smile, you guys. Oh, and Monte rehired Timothy. Thank god. I know we were all terrified and worried about how that might play out.

So let's talk about some of the terrible, terrible decisions that happened in this episode. Stef has an (admittedly fairly clever) plan to adopt Callie by first getting her emancipated. That way, her biological father has no remaining claim to her custody-wise and she can go live with and get adopted by whoever the heck she wants. I'm going to suspend disbelief in terms of whether or not that whole scenario could really play out because this is TV and it's close enough to a neat loophole to make it interesting. But of course if she's going to get emancipated, she can't go living with Robert full-time right away. How will they solve this problem?

No problem, Robert will all of a sudden become wildly reasonable and say he doesn't want to rush things and Callie can stay with the Fosters till the end of the original waiting period! (There are some sads here about how the judge decides she still has to stay with Robert every other weekend, but frankly I can't see the horror in that. Seems fine.)

Gosh, why did Robert turn so level-headed overnight and start worrying about what Callie wants?

Oh! Look! He has a mistress! She's 29! But how does that.... OH BECAUSE STEF IS BLACKMAILING HIM. Holy macaroni, Stef, this is insane. Pretty sure exploiting PD resources to investigate this dude would lose you your badge. Pretty sure then blackmailing him with said information is ILLEGAL and will lose you your freedom. Pretty sure doing all of this behind Lena's back could damn well lose you your marriage. SWEET MOVES, STEF. Way to take things from bad to worse! 

Hold up, though. Did you think those were all the terrible decisions made in the episode? Oh no. No. Because right in the middle of all this total chaos, Stef and Lena decided that they do want to adopt Ana's baby after all! Why? Well, because Lena doesn't want to make Mariana feel bad. Seriously, that's the primary reason she gave. So of course right as Brandon is telling Mariana that they're not adopting this baby (and she's going to live through it clearly) (and after he snooped around Ana's mail, so you know, more laws being broken), Stef and Lena announce to Ana that they are. What better home to adopt a new baby into than one that's currently in a state of tumult over the custody of a foster daughter! (And didn't they just adopt Jude like two months ago? Settle down, ladies! Space out your adoptions by at least 6 months or so!) And what better time to tell the pregnant woman than EIGHT SECONDS after you had a one-minute conversation about it!

And guess what? They did that before Lena learned that Stef has lost her damn fool mind and is going behind her back doing all manner of no-good.

Everything's going great, you guys.

BUT WAIT. THAT'S NOT ALL.

Now on to the worst of it. Because my head wasn't already exploding.

Remember last week? And how adorable and breathlessly wonderful and awesome it was? Because Jude and Connor? 

Well, it was going to be adorable again. There they were, flirting and making plans and blushing and being awkward and happy.

Aww, how sweet. They're going to spend some time together and do some canoodling together tonight! You know, UNLESS ONE OF THEM GETS SHOT.

I mean, really?

Basically, Jude's not-girlfriend is feeling out-of-sorts because Jude rejected her advances since he (as she acknowledges and understands) is crushing on Connor, who is making out with her best friend. So she's feeling a little odd-man-out and reckless, so after they TP their friend's house (you do this to a friend? Allegedly it's because the dad of said friend sucks, but please, that friend is going to be the one cleaning all of that up) she invites them back to her house to raid her father's liquor cabinet. Papa thinks she's sleeping at a friend's house, and her mother's out of town at a yoga retreat (because of course she is), so they'll just be vewwy-vewwy quiet. 

So, as kids who've never consumed alcohol often do, they just drink whiskey straight from the bottle. Honestly it's a wonder any kid ever drinks again. I cannot fathom how disgusting that would be the first time, gulping it down like it's fruit punch. (What was your first drink, y'all? Other than communion wine, I'm pretty sure mine was vodka but I quickly learned to add OJ.) (I also remember drinking Creme de Menthe straight from the bottle because it smelled better than the other stuff. The sense memory there is shuddering.)

Shockingly, not-girlfriend's dad isn't that heavy a sleeper.

Or maybe he is and he's sleepwalking? Because that's about the only explanation I can think of for a father who usually shares his home with two loved ones coming down the stairs in the middle of the night, saying, "Who's there?" and IMMEDIATELY SHOOTING A GUN INTO THE DARKNESS AT WHOMEVER MIGHT BE THERE.

Holy guacamole. You don't do that! WHO DOES THAT. Somebody who is very tightly wound, that's who! He should be at the yoga retreat with his wife, he needs to get all kinds of more mindful. His wife or daughter could have forgotten something and returned home! I MEAN WHO DOES THAT!

So many bad decisions. The ends justify none of these means.

Was there not already enough melodrama? Did we have to add a shooting to a very cute story of young love and self-discovery that could have lasted many, many episodes??

I won't even get to the next bit in case any of you avoid previews for spoilers' sake, because I will flip my lid anyway. Because what was implied made me very, very angry.

THANKS, J-LO.

 

Comments

[Kim B]

They better not kill off Connor!!

[Ziyal]

I don't think anyone will end up shot, judging from the previews (Jude looked far from heartbroken).

"He should be at the yoga retreat with his wife, he needs to get all kinds of more mindful."
-That was hilarious, Louise!

I too am digging the Jude x Connor storyline but wish that they hadn't included the shooting. I love how Jude's non-girlfriend totally saw Jude's crush. What a crazy time of self-discovery being young is :)

The whole emancipation plan is bonkers and even Callie saw it! Even if that would be my preferred way out of this whole custody mess.

It's ridiculous that Emma is awesome at everything, but I'm happy that she's on the team because I am happy to see more of her.