General Hospital: The Song Remains the Same
After all these years, I didn't really realize Pozzulo's was a restaurant that's literally "never open." Sonny is really bad at fronts. (And I don't think it's entirely consistent because I just had a weird flashback to the original Lisa Niles getting chem-tested with Sonny in there.)
Anyway! Carly is toasting to schadenfreude, or her son's broken heart, whichever you want to call it.
Ava is showing Kiki the "formula" for the surgery that will "heal" her two-square-inch-mild-discoloration. I don't hate Ava's new strawberry-blonde, but with the electric-blue top she's wearing it's not working.
Makes her skin look super pink. (I think Maura West is one of the world's most perfect humans, though.)
David (I finally learned that his name isn't Dr. Max Holden!) talks to Griffin about real estate investments, which... is riveting!
Apparently Monica and Alexis are in some sort of combined NA/AA meeting together? (It's not new for this show to conflate addictions, but seriously Port Charles has more than enough addicts that they don't have to combine all twelve-steppers.) Anyway, Monica's a little freaked out because a Jason-faced-person burst through a skylight!
Jason goes to the Quartermaine mausoleum as OG Jason goes to Sam. OG Jason hears Scout crying on the baby monitor and does not say, "What do you mean you named your daughter Scout? Is she actually your cat?"
David flirts with Alexis, but she doesn't give a shit because she prefers murderers. He will lose this, because we're not new to a perfectly decent, good-looking man showing up in town. If any of our gals do end up interested in him, he'll turn out to be a serial killer (the kind that's worse than all our male "heroes"), but will otherwise just be recurring. (We miss you, Patrick!)
Kiki is concerned about these surgery notes and how there's no approval or oversight, which really upsets Ava and her "could cover it up with one stroke of a $2 Wet-n-Wild stick" scar-splotch. Ava thinks Kiki wants her to stay "like this," where "this" is a tiny little off-white splotch.
OG Jason is moved that Scout is named after Emily (and speaking of Emily, Amber Tamblyn has become such a delightful shit-stirrer in recent weeks during this excellent "take out the Hollywood trash" streak, and we... won't talk about any other Emilys).
Jason runs into Monica at the mausoleum.
Jordan wants to know why Sonny bailed out Dr. Klein and if he got any good information. "You show me yours, I'll show you mine," our hero says, while Carly gives the bitchiest impressed-face I've ever seen.
Sweet jesus I loathe this version of her.
Kiki tries to give Ava a pep talk. Kiki leaves and Alexis shows up to talk about that man who abused and assaulted her (I'm sorry, my position on this is probably as unpopular as my Liz/Franco position, but it's unlikely to change).
Jordan won't actually give Carly and Sonny special advance notice about the Jason DNA results. Carly does not understand this at all. This is Jason we're talking about, and Carly his His Most Important Human, making her The World's Most Important Person. (Laura Wright is so funny, must we revert to Beast Carly? Okay, we must, so I wish ill upon her.)
Monica and Jason chat at the mausoleum.
JASON: I've never lied to you. I'm not lying now, I never lied even when I thought it would hurt you. I'm your son.
Well, that cinches it, he's Drew! Because Jason Morgan never gave a shit about lying to Monica or hurting her.
Alexis tells Ava about how Julian was beaten and asks her to do something, like use her fancy mob connections to help him. Ava accuses Alexis of still being in love with Julian, which of course she is because the actors have chemistry and nothing else matters!
Jordan asks Sonny some questions about Dr. Klein's phone call and Carly struts around like the world's most dick-ish peacock talking about chains of evidence. Jordan suggests that Carly might want to see the gunman that shot up her hotel prosecuted, but Carly just smirks and postures because she's a really, really bad person. Sonny also does some smug posturing, and these people are just at their most unbearable. Why are we doing this? I'm exhausted. There's nothing in the world I want more than for Patient Six to be not-Jason just because this'll wipe the smug off the faces of these two trash humans.
Jason explains the twins situation to poor Monica. They have a sweet chat and while I'm glad they're including Monica in this story, I will burn it all down if they take away her only kid. (And no, OG Jason doesn't count as her kid because he's shitty and is a proud hitman.)
OG Jason insists to Sam that, in terms of Danny, the biology never mattered to him. Hilarious! Totally not what played out on screen, but okay! Poor Sam. Just in general. She explains to OG Jason that Julian is her father and Ava is her aunt. She explains Alexis's drinking problem and how much Julian sucks. Anyway, Sam goes on about this kind of love that just "is" and how you can't deny it and just have to shut it down! Very subtle! She asks OG Jason to pick up Scout, and he tells her he was almost her father which is for sure not how babies work.
Carly and Sonny have a dumb conversation about Jason or, as they call him, "Jake Doe." They mention that he's "loyal," which is of course the only gross thing that matters in mob rules.
OG Jason talks to Scout about baby Lila who died, referring to her as Scout's "big sister." Aww. Honestly I did love Jason and Sam's original love story while she was pregnant. Anyway, Jason shows up and tells OG Jason that he'll kill him if he doesn't get away from his daughter.
Ava realized that Kiki took the thumb drive with the surgery notes. She has taken the notes to David and Griffin who caution her against it because surgery that can fix the world's most minor blemish is very dangerous.
Monica has Jason flashbacks. It's so friggin' sad. She doesn't want him to not be him, it's basically literally the only good thing that's ever fucking happened to her.
Griffin tells Ava they can't do the surgery and she's not happy, but also they should probably just make out right on the hospital floor there.
Alexis calls the prison for Olivia Jerome and learns that Nora Buchanan is the attorney of record (I'm psyched to see Nora, but come on, this is not the kind of attorney she was).
Jordan shows up at the penthouse with the Jason DNA results, which won't really matter because won't they both say the same thing? I'm not new!
Monica flashes back to OG Jason's, like, one time that he said something nice to her.
She touches Alan's plaque and wow, he's been dead for over ten years.
And yes, both DNA matches. Cliffhanger that doesn't do anything!
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