General Hospital: An Adult Mean Girl Kicks It Up a Notch

Oh Carly.

Carly, Carly, Carly. What are we going to do with you?

The return of original Jason has reverted her full force to her Queen Bee of the Cool Kids Quad that she held on so hard to back when Jason was married to Courtney (YES I TYPED OUT HER NAME).

Yesterday she hilariously went to Sam under the guise of being her friend and Drew's friend, to explain that Sam will never love Drew the way she loves Jason and will ultimately break Drew's heart as a result, so she should get rid of him now. In fact, Carly has a special understanding of this particular set of empirical facts because she and Jax were basically her version of Sam and Drew. Safe, comfortable, but not the deeeeeeeeep connection to the other dude. (No, Carly, you went to Jax because Laura Wright had more chemistry with Ingo Rademacher than Maurice Benard, unlike Carlys #1 and #2.)

So don't you see? It's not because she wants her Cool Kids crew back together at all. It's because she really cares about Sam and Drew's feelings!

via GIPHY

 Really, it was a selfless act.

Carly: Sam, you know I loved Jax. I did, I felt safe and secure and I was happy, and he was a nurturing father to my kids and our daughter. When I married Jax, I thought were were going to spend the rest of our lives together! But I wasn't honest with Jax or myself about the hold Sonny has on my heart. It definitely had nothing to do with Sonny marrying Brenda during that time since she is obviously meaningless and it totally didn't bother me at all, nope because soulmates. No big deal about the Claudia marriage or the whole Kate relationship, that didn't make me jealous at all.

Carly: And it doesn't make any sense, it's not logical because Jax is a dream come true and Sonny is a nightmare but it doesn't matter. My first loyalty is always to Sonny. If he needs me, I will be there. If he smiles, I'll cave, if he holds out his hand I will always take it. My sick dependence upon and addiction to Sonny is way more important than the lives and safety of my children, because it's hot, Sam. Don't you get it? Hot! I can't stop how I feel about Sonny and because of that, I broke Jax's heart. Don't do that to Drew.*

So heartfelt, Carly! So heartfelt. 

But then look who showed up.

And of course she was immediately all... 

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But you know, it's totally for his own good, you guys. It has nothing to do with the fact that, in fact, she is obsessed with Jason and cannot have him and this is the next best thing. Really when you think about it, it's perfect. If Jason is single, he might meet another woman who is less passive than Sam and actually threatens Carly and Sonny's ownership of Jason. So let's stick with what works, and be the most popular kids at school. I mean....

You don't even go here.

But it's not her fault. It's not her fault that she is wiser and stronger and loves harder than anyone else in town, and is definitely in charge of everyone else's lives and feelings. Sure, she tried not getting her kids (and herself) shot in the head anymore by marrying a man with a more stable approach to life, but who wants a Brandon when you can have a Dylan? Get real, people. She's a good person who just knows best and anyone who disagrees with that might want to consider looking inward.

 

via GIPHY

That pretty much sums it up.

Later she got up in Nelle's face.

Carly (of Ava): On the plus side you're probably going to sleep with her boyfriend and rob him blind. Oh wait, that actually doesn't make sense since it's something you've never done? What was I saying? Oh, I think maybe I was just projecting because you're pretty much just like me and that's my M.O.!* 

She then went on some drivel about how, yes, she was a mess at Nelle's age but it's completely different because Jason believed in her and Jason is a deity. (If Nelle were smart -- which we don't know one way or the other because they don't bother telling us anything about who she is -- she would read between the lines here and figure out that what Carly is saying is that Nelle should go out and get herself the World's Biggest Enabler, and possibly make sure he's a brain-damaged hitman so he can protect her from consequences for her bullshit for the remainder of time.)

Most hilarious was Carly running through the litany of Ava's crimes, all of which are virtually identical to her own or her husband's.**

That's our Carly!

In totally unrelated news, if you haven't weighed in on the WORLD'S MOST IMPORTANT POLL, you have till tonight! And even more unrelated, for my fellow 80's and Lifetime fans, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be live-tweeting A Tale of Two Coreys (as in Feldman and Haim, obvs) tonight at the @SerialDrama handle, because how could I resist. Join me if you, too, are afraid to leave the house in this weather! (It's at 8pm eastern)

Have a lovely weekend!

 

*These are all clearly verbatim quotes from the actual dialogue and you shouldn't interpret the italics in any way at all.

**I can't believe I feel the need to even say this, but Laura Wright is an amazing actress so, you know, please don't send her death threats just because she plays a bitch? (Not that I think any regular Serial Drama readers would pull any of that insanity. Anyone who can comment-snark on soaps as well as y'all can has their head on straight about the whole "it's just a soap" thing.)

Comments

[C]

They've really dialed her obnoxious, hypocritical bitchiness up to eleven, which would be fine if the show didn't also think she's the beloved town matriarch and its primary heroine. Those two things don't go together!

[Holly]

Nell REALLY needs to take Carly's secret advice and get herself a Jason.. and not just ANY Jason, the original brain damaged, will do anything for Michael (and will go double hardcore for Michael's spawn) Jason!

Carly's head would explode. Sonny's head would explode. Michael may get a little insight into his warped, selfish hypocritial mother and murdering stepfather (A.J.? Who is A.J.?) Nell would finally get that unconditional love and support and new baby Corninthos (vomit) would get a Stone Cold (snort) bodyguard who who reads bedtime stories about Borneo and Malaysia and would put that baby before his own children.

Nell has one kidney and one Quartermaine/Corinthi spawn to carry. She NEEDS Jason!

[Louise]

Holly, I cannot even describe how happy that would make me.

[Dee]

Hi Louse, I was waiting, hoping, you would post something on this as I didn't know whether to laugh or hurl something at my laptop screen after Carly uttered the most stupid, yet completely spot-on statement comparing Jax to Sonny: "And it doesn't make any sense, it's not logical because Jax is a dream come true and Sonny is a nightmare but it doesn't matter."

I have no idea how Laura Wright or Kelly Monaco got through that scene without rolling their eyes. Because, really, how could it not matter?

Sonny IS a nightmare, who treats Carly and pretty much any other woman he's involved with like crap most of the time and repeatedly puts her and her children's lives in danger (and in my opinion is more responsible for Morgan's death than Ava)? And I'm supposed to buy theirs as the love affair of all love affairs?

Compared to Jax, who in my book is a lot of women's dream guy, certainly mine -- handsome, legitimate billionaire businessman who treats you like a queen despite your having done some really hateful things to him and people he cares about and who continues to do anything for you despite you choosing him over Sonny, the "coffee importer" aka mobster.

Why, oh why, oh why Carly? Why, oh why, GH writers?

[Holly]

Could the writers be setting up the next Quartermaine vs Corinthos battle for the baby storyline?

If I were Nell.. I would be playing those Quartermaines like a fiddle and move right on in!

Oh and when I see Sonny smile his most sincere and loving smile.. it feels like a wave of greasy pond scum washes over me. I'll go ahead and actor bash.. the guy is creepy and all his press photos have the same creepy smile.

[Michael]

Ummmm, can I register a small objection to the Brandon vs. Dylan comparison? Because Dylan had redeeming qualities, lots of them (even if I totally would have picked Brandon). Sonny, on the other hand, doesn't. There's bad boy/hint of danger/killer smile, on the one hand, and then there's actual KILLER, on the other. There's "I might end up in all kinds of trouble," on the one hand, and "I might end up dead," on the other. (All of which sort of underscores just how sick the values on this show are, but sometimes I truly think the writers pile it on just to drive us nuts.)

[Louise]

It was just an analogy, not a comparison, I assure you! (Besides, I actually thought Brandon was a pompous douche and while Jax has some pompous qualities, he's no douche.)

And yes, I think the writers think it's funny how much it winds some of us up. Happy to oblige, I guess?

[Michael]

What's sad about having to use the Brandon/Dylan analogy (thank you, I feel much better) is that it points out that the writers have to use an argument that's appropriate to the 90210 age group (love's not always logical, people are sometimes attracted to bad boys/bad girls) in order to attempt to make Carly's relationship with Sonny seem rational (no: virtuous). But Carly is (ahem) well past that age, and there's SUCH a difference between giving in to the temptation to take a motorcycle ride with a beautiful young man who is definitely a rebel and giving in to the temptation to SPEND YOUR LIFE WITH A MAN WHO KILLS PEOPLE AS PART OF HIS DAY JOB. (Sorry, I just had to give in to the caps for that part.) As I said: sick, to the thirty-third power.

On the other hand, it gave you an excuse to pose fantastic screen caps of Carly at her most infuriatingly smug, which made me laugh uncontrollably.

By the way, I think you made a typo in the line above the screen cap of Drew. It should say "But then look who showed up looking like Hot Damn!" I'm fonder of Billy Miller in his clean-shaven incarnation, but he is one good-looking man in that pic. Sam, ignore what Carly says (which you ought to do anyway 99.44 percent of the time) and Hang. On. To. That. or you are dumber than a bag of bricks.

[Elizabeth Kerri Mahon]

My friend and I joke that Carly, Jason and Sonny should just be in a polyamorous relationship, and leave Sam out of it completely, because she's always the 4th wheel in that triangle. Carly's speech to Sam was hilarious, basically "hey, I had a really great relationship with a handsome, rich guy who adored me but I screwed it up because I prefer to be in a dysfunctional one that puts me and my kids lives in danger. Don't you want that for yourself?"

This is off -topic but I wish that Michael still hated Sonny and Carly, and that was the dynamic that Jason came back to. So far no one has told Jason that Sonny murdered AJ in cold blood or that Helena kept Drew and Jake on Cassadine Island where she was brain-washing them.

[John]

You know, I'd seen some screen grabs of Carly lately, and she's looking smugger than Babe on AMC, and then I saw this in your post: "It's not her fault that she is wiser and stronger and loves harder than anyone else in town..." They really are turning her into Babe Carey, aren't they? UGH.

[Judy]

I don't know, John, she might have been the original Babe Carey...has she ever not been smug?