General Hospital: Return of the (New-Faced) Queen

First, a disclaimer that I'd recently taken a break from this show for a month or two because I wasn't having any fun (enjoying the show or eviscerating the parts I didn't enjoy), but came back for Holly's return. I haven't been following recaps very closely, mostly just gleaning things from passing tweets and the like. It hasn't been that tough to pick up, but please forgive me if I get something entirely wrong because I missed those weeks. Back to business:

Most things haven't changed, such as people with 0% body fat eating massive pastries. 

"The boys are fighting again, what of my feminine CONSTITUTION???"

 

The Quartermaine and Quartermaine-Adjacent Contingent

I'm impressed that, despite opening with the sound of Chase in the shower, General Hospital resisted the urge to show him lathering up. But no worry, they didn't take but another few seconds to have him returning to the bedroom still glistening and shirtless. And of course later, Chase decided to welcome Brook Lynn back into the room by greeting her hilariously spread-eagle...

"Get a load of this strategically-placed bedspread and flower arrangement (also my balls)!"

Since this is a soap, naturally it's Olivia that walks in and not Brook, because why would it be Brook? Also it's nice to know that after over a year of acting like a nervous child about his crush on Brook Lynn, all it took was one night of passion for Chase to be so overconfident in her family home to be doing poses like that for anyone who enters the room.

I would say it's weird that Michael hasn't noticed Willow is perpetually in need of smelling salts these days, but then again when his general attitude toward her is that the little lady is too delicate for the outside world or naughty words or harsh tones of voice and should probably be encased in protective glass? Eh, it kind of tracks that he wouldn't notice she's weakening by the second. It's his whole angle on her! It's a turn-on! Well, that and children's toys/birthday parties.

"Welcome to your latest super-awkward Quartermaine family moment," says Michael to Chase after for some reason Chase and Brook Lynn are forced to tell the family over coffee that they spent the night together (a thing not, in fact, necessitated by Olivia's embarrassment). "I'm sure you remember those from when you were pretending to be Bailey's father," Michael adds. He oddly does not add, "Also from when I was pretending to be your best friend while you were recovering from almost dying and I was banging your wife during children's birthday parties!"

"So many memories of betrayal and sanctimony to cherish!"

It's Oscar's birthday, which means for about one half of a second Drew's story looks like something even mildly related to the character we watched for multiple years and seems to have largely been forgotten entirely. At any rate, Ned's about to snipe at Drew and then is immediately apologetic when realizing it's Oscar's birthday, which Drew immediately uses as a weapon. "For Oscar's sake," Drew thinks he and Ned should probably try to mend fences, which for this version of Drew tends to mean doing precisely what he demands.

"Dale Carnegie would tell you'll never win friends by calling someone out for insider training, Ned!"

Michael assures Drew that Ned is only bluffing when threatening to expose him and Carly for insider trading, a thing of which they are entirely guilty. That seems dumb!

 

The Roberts-Benson-Quartermaine-Corinthos-Alcazar-Jacks-Morgan-Spencer Contingent

(Disclaimer: I probably got the order of last names wrong, missed one or two, should have repeated some, should be shot at dawn for including Morgan which was never legal, or some combination thereof.) Over in the kitchen of Greystone Manor, "Drew" is being cutesy with Carly in their Twilight Zone coupling. It's not that these two actors don't have chemistry -- they do. It's not even that a story of Carly and Drew falling for each other couldn't be written well (I guess), with a lot of runway and hard work. It's just that these two people don't resemble Carly and Drew in any way, and they were written upon Mathison's arrival in the role as two wholesome middle-aged Very Nice People who sure were always fond of each other. Which...no. They were both cynical as hell and only had more reason to be since last they met. Nevertheless, he guided her through eating, praying, and loving (offering up deep morsels of wisdom like, "Life! What a ride!") in Jacksonville, where she somehow had a largely idyllic childhood, despite being so resentful of this that she changed her name and moved to another town to seduce her birth mother's husband to get revenge on her for having abandoned her to such an agonizing upbringing by Virginia, rather than the preferable upbringing of being stashed in a spare room at a brothel. (So I guess Brenda was right, and that it really was some sort of personality disorder and not the understandable result of a terrible childhood?) Anyway, Carly listened to a few more Elizabeth Gilbert audiobooks and Brené Brown podcasts (while Drew dug in on Tony Robbins and Stephen Covey) on the flight home and she's come to a decision to live, laugh, love, and change her last name for the forty-seventh time.

Carly and Bobbie bond and Carly announces that she's changing her name to Carly Spencer. Fair. This show is in dire need of keeping any Spencer thread open for posterity. Obviously it'll be Cain at some point, too, and then Corinthos a few more times. Maybe Jacks again, too, if Gideon Emery is free?

 

The Webber Contingent

Elizabeth is in Monterey with Terry, investigating whatever Liz's buried childhood memories are, a thing that has only just shaken loose in her subconscious despite having led one of history's most triggering lives. "She doesn't need you to be her hero because she's already her own hero," cautions Cam aptly to Finn, who dickishly smirks and says, "Thanks Cam, good talk," obviously having zero intention of listening. Which particularly sucks because Finn has had two other relationships and a fling on this show in the past and had not displayed these white-knight/paternalistic attitudes in any of those scenarios. So it's just for Liz, and is now his dominant personality trait. In summation: it's not a good one!

I could not see Sarah in the "25 years ago" photo with enough clarity to determine what version of Sarah she is (or a new one, retroactively?).

(Is she worried about their sister Hayden's whereabouts?? Anyone?)

Also, Elizabeth finally sees her recast father after over twenty years!

There's another Webber popping back up in town, too, though. One who generates such a blood-curdling scream from Olivia that it's as if she'd just seen a vision of an adorable Husky puppy! (Olivia's had quite a day of sights, from nutsacks to Heather Webber, it's been a journey.)

"Look familiar? No? SCREAM ANYWAY."

Obviously it's sad that this signifies losing the last shred of hope that we'd get Robin Mattson back in the role, but Alley Mills is a pretty inspired recast, and this is certainly a better use of the legend's talents than squawking about lemon bars over on The Bold & the Beautiful. Heather even mentions Olivia's relationship with Steven Lars and the fact that he's "rotting in prison," so I guess there's our update?

 

Bits and Bobs

• Willow may have advanced to Stage 3 leukemia. Can we get to the necessary bone marrow transplant please?
• Britt gave a nice speech about medical ethics and obligations. I like when they do that stuff, but there's not much to say about it in this context!
• Tracy has been ditching her weekly virtual backgammon games with Finn. I'm glad those two are still connected, and hopeful that Tracy being MIA means our sometimes-annual Tracy catch-up is impending! Hopefully she'll be all up in the Holly story.

 

Comments

[SZima]

You’ve been missed!

[Louise]

Aww, thanks, SZima!

[Elle]

Whoo-hooo!!! She's back! I've so missed this blog and your witty takes!

I like that Heather was recast with Alley Mills, since RM has retired. I, too, enjoy GH utilizing her this way, instead of the sprinkles of Pam we got on B&B.

The current incarnation of Sarah is an actual photo of Becky Herbst and her sister, I believe. Definitely not Jennifer Sky or Sarah Laine.

Poor Steven Lars! It was just the one person he killed. Can't he be forgiven and come home? It would've made much more sense for CM to play him, instead of Drew. He still could've been paired with Carly, since Steven Lars and Carly had their flirtation/brief circling around each other back in the day. No need to completely change Drew's personality.