Serial Drama

The 2013 Daytime Emmy Awards Live Blogging Extravaganza

It's "everybody's" "favorite" night: the night that the "world" "honors" the "best" in daytime televion while a "massive" audience watches at home. Yes, it's time once again for the Daytime Emmy Awards, which almost always turns into two hours of us making cartoonishly over-the-top confused faces at our televisions while former popstars and sitcom child actors perform in skits and thinly disguised commercials for tourist destinations. Also, the best actors and actresses on soaps sometimes walk away with awards and when they don't, we say angry things and swear a lot. Aren't you excited to spend the evening with us?

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

We have been terrible at posting these, but they are still happening! Check out our monthly column in Soap Opera Digest, where this month we sounded off on our thoughts on GH as well as the returns of OLTL and AMC.

My Take
by Mallory Harlen

I’ve become increasingly concerned for the citizens of Port Charles. And not just because of the dangers they face on a regular basis: constant mob wars, plans by supervillains that throw the entire town into chaos, the constant threat that you’ll catch Carly on a bad day and you’ll be collateral damage in her latest vendetta (or, worse, that she’ll start to confide in you about her problems). No, I’m more worried about what will happen to them once they are admitted to General Hospital, likely for injuries sustained in any of the aforementioned situations, because the medical care they are likely to receive there is questionable. Does anyone really feel comfortable right now putting their lives in Patrick’s hands?

It’s not that I object to Patrick being trapped by a crazy woman claiming to be pregnant with his child—well, actually, I do object to that because of all people on this show, Patrick should be most aware of having protected sex! Not that I think for a minute that Britt is actually pregnant with his child, but still!—because that is one of the most famous tropes in all of soapdom. And this particular crazy woman has an even crazier backstory: she’s the daughter of Faison and Dr. Obrecht, making Robin’s fake-death a huge part of the story. Plus, if I’m being perfectly honest…anything that complicates Patrick and Sabrina’s relationship is all right by me. I say that not as someone who refuses to see Patrick move on with anybody but Robin, because I think there is a boatload of potential for a really good Patrick romance (Jason Thompson is off the charts charming, after all); I say it as someone who is consistently amused at just how ridiculous Sabrina can be. She’s a grown woman, with a professional career who excelled in nursing school and she has the personality of a sixth grader; an immature sixth grader whose idea of romance is based purely on Disney movies and fairytales. She’s cloying and uninteresting and I have no idea why Patrick is interested in her at all, aside from the kudos she’s received from Emma.

All My Profound Thanks

I promise* that I will soon stop making "All My..." jokes. It just feels so good to be able to make them again and have them be relevant! And the truth of the matter is that I really do have so many reasons to be thankful for All My Children, like how it's back in my life, for starters, but also for the half hour long running time that means episodes zip by breezily and I don't even have the chance to be bored and for Lindsay Hartley's shiny shiny hair and so on and so forth.

*Lie

So I am grateful for a lot of Pine Valley related things, but today nothing even comes close to my gratefulness for David Hayward just existing and for Vincent Irizarry's classic soap acting. His monologue at a comatose (and also SORASed? I know that the new JR is roughly the same age as Jacob Young, but the latter had such a baby face that it makes the former look like a contemporary of Dixie's, not her son) JR was all sorts of amazing because it contained a lot of emoting and also really stilted explanations of what happened at the Chandler Mansion five years ago/the day of the ABC finale.

David: Hello, JR. It's me, your old friend David.

All My (New and Returning and Rapidly Aged) Children

The most ridiculous part of my day was not the sheer and utter GLEE I had at the return of All My Children and the way I actually squealed when the show opened with Brooke and Adam, because none of that is ridiculous at all. It's expected: Chandlers and Hubbards and Cortlandts are back in our lives. The only reaction a person should be having is GLEE.

No, the most ridiculous part of my day was looking at the AMC/OLTL Premiere note I had written in my planner, as if I actually needed a reminder. I have an impeccable memory to start with so I almost definitely wouldn't have forgotten it and also, it's kind of a huge deal that I've been talking about incessantly for weeks to anyone who would listen and by "would" I mean, "was in close quarters in which escape wasn't an option".  So why I felt the need to write myself a note is a little beyond me, unless Early-April Mallory just wanted to leave it there as a treat so that Mid and Late-April Mallory could get all flaily everytime she noticed it.

I'm not even going to pretend like I have the presence of mind to write this in any sort of coherent way--planning and structure is just too hard to do when you're clapping constantly. What you're going to get is a list of thoughts. Many, many thoughts. Probably more thoughts than you thought possible to get out of a 27 minute long show and they may not even make much sense, on account of the aforementioned clapping. How's that for an enticing opening?! I can almost hear you all exiting your browsers.

**Opening with Brooke (still suffering from PTSD symptoms from the event at her engagement party, which is only alluded to, making it very mysterious and intriguing) and Adam (who is just the greatest. He's been absent from our lives for so long and has returned even more charming than he left it!) was just a genius move.

Who better to be the center of this show than Adam and Brooke? Nobody and if you have any suggestions, I don't want to hear them because they are wrong (I kid. Actually, I don't kid, but because fair is fair, I promise to at least listen to your wrong suggestions). They're engaged again! It was delightful.

**Dixie can weep all she wants and Opal can mournfully talk about Tad being "gone", but I refuse to believe that he's dead. Sorry, can't do it, won't do it. The man is in a coma, you guys.

Our Shows Are BACK And Our Excitement Level Is At (At Least) 11

Our afternoons have felt undeniably sadder ever since ALL MY CHILDREN and ONE LIFE TO LIVE aired their finales. There are still times that we'll look at the clock during the 1 and 2PM hours and sigh wistfully. "What sort of nefarious plots would David Hayward be hatching right now, with that smug smile of his?" We ask. “In what regal and well-intentioned manner would Dorian Lord screw up the lives of everyone she loves this week and, most importantly, which hat would she be wearing while doing it?” We wonder. Our lives were a little emptier without the Chandlers and the Hubbards and Ryan Lavery (just kidding--we wanted to inject a little levity here before the schmaltz police arrested us.) The days seemed a little longer and lonelier without the Buchanans and the Hubbards and Robert Ford (okay, kidding again on that last one).

But--and it's actually impossible for us to overstate our excitement about this. It's like our birthdays and a year's worth of holidays, plus our teams winning the Super Bowl and World Series all at once. And even that comparison is a little subdued compared to how we're actually feeling--we are finally going to be reunited with our friends in Llanview and Pine Valley, because All My Children and One Life to Live are officially returning to our lives on April 29th. Can we all join hands and squeal excitedly right now? Just think about some of the characters we'll get to see again!

Pine Valley was never quite the same after Adam Chandler left town, so when it was announced that David Canary would be returning to the role (roles? Dare we hope that we’ll see Stuart, too? Preferably a lot. We could all use some of his sweetness) that made him a daytime icon, we couldn’t contain our glee. He’s the PERFECT character to bring to the new AMC, because he has a special relationship (and usually a feud) with almost every character on All My Children . The Chandler family and their assorted loved ones all had, shall we say…complicated feelings towards him (“complicated” is an understatement, but “his entire family spends most of their time hating him and simultaneously striving for his approval” takes too long to type). He’s been married at some point to basically every woman in town, so romantic tension follows him wherever he goes. He’s made business enemies thanks to his cutthroat tactics and he’s made enemies of neighbors just for…well, just for existing. Is he still with Brooke (we hope so)? What's his relationship with JR like (probably frought with tension, considering that is their default state and there's, you know, the whole matter of JR shooting a gun during a crowded party. A parent would frown on that, we think)? Does David Hayward still have dramatic and strangely loud monologues about his evil plans and schemes for those who have wronged him? How many times has he been arrested since we last saw him? It's got to be at least a dozen. We're sure that Zach has spent his time offscreen doing all sorts of soapy and dramatic things that, yeah, sure, we can't wait to hear about--as soon as he tells us where Kendall is. Do Angie and Jesse still set the gold standard for most wonderful television couple? We have a feeling we know the answer to that question, but we can't wait to see it onscreen.

Todd Manning will be back among his fellow Llanview-ites and the anticipation level cannot be exaggerated. It’s not that we didn’t have any fun watching him over on General Hospital, but he is most fascinating opposite those with which he has decades of history. Sure, it’s fun to watch him snark on every stranger he sees in some other town, but after a while it started to feel like he wasn’t much more than just another law-evading criminal and jerk with an unusually good sense of humor. How much is everyone looking forward to Todd getting a classic berating-but-loving talking-to from his big sister Viki? Almost as psyched as we are to see Todd get in some time with his adorable little nephew and Spiderman-bonding buddy Sam. (Oh yeah, and there’s that small issue of Blair, the love of his life. Some of us are KIND OF INTO THAT.)

 

And look out, men of Llanview, because local trouble-making hot redhead Natalie Banks appears to be single again. Has motherhood tamed her? We’ve all seen those previews: doesn’t look like it, and for that we are supremely grateful. The ads are teasing a possible connection with Cutter, a union that definitely has potential. For those of us who loved her with Jared, it’s always great to see her with a bad boy (with a heart of gold!) who can fully appreciate both her good and her more mischievous side. We can’t wait to see if Clint and Viki tied the knot and how Bo and Nora are doing as grandparents and how one Téa Francesca Delgado is coping with her myriad of losses. Have Rama and Vimal managed to stick together, and what the heck happened to Dorian’s congressional career? (We bet her outfits were just too awesome for the Senate floor.) And what of David Vickers? Has he been able to match the cinematic success of Vickerman, The David Vickers Story or is he having a string of failures like The Boy with the Chipmunk Tattoo? We’re coming to all of these people with a huge new appreciation: we get spoiled by seeing our soaps every day for decades on end and we kick and scream when our characters aren’t doing exactly what we want them to be doing. But now we’ve learned what life is like without them and we’re ready to welcome them back with open arms, even when they’re picking the wrong mate or taking the worst side in a battle or acting wildly out of character. (And we’ll totally keep that attitude for at least a week. Probably.)

AMC and OLTL will be airing half-hour long episodes every weekday and thanks to Hulu, you can watch on your computer screen (and then immediately run over to Serial Drama to leave exclamation filled comments to convey your excitement. We're still not overstating our happiness) two ways: Hulu.com and Hulu Plus. Hulu.com is completely free and allows you to watch the latest episode right from your computer screen. Hulu Plus is a subscription service: for $7.99 a month, you get to watch ALL episodes through mobile devices and have access to the Hulu library (want to try it for a week? Click here!)

 

To continue the theme of Things That Are Exciting and Awesome, we also want to announce a sweepstakes! One lucky Serial Drama winner will win a yearlong subscription to Hulu Plus and a chance to win the Grand Prize, a Roku. All you have to do is show your soap love: tell us which Pine Valley or Llanview character you're most excited to see!

**Sweepstakes Rules:
No duplicate comments.
You may receive (2) total entries by selecting from the following entry methods:
a. Leave a comment in response to the sweepstakes prompt on this post
b:Tweet (public message) about this promotion; including exactly the following unique term in your tweet message: "#SweepstakesEntry"; and leave the URL to that tweet in a comment on this post
c: Blog about this promotion, including a disclosure that you are receiving a sweepstakes entry in exchange for writing the blog post, and leave the URL to that post in a comment on this post
d: For those with no Twitter or blog, read the official rules to learn about an alternate form of entry.

This giveaway is open to US Residents age 18 or older.
Winners will be selected via random draw, and will be notified by e-mail.
You have 72 hours to get back to me, otherwise a new winner will be selected.
The Official Rules are available here.

This sweepstakes runs from 4/29/2013-5/26/2013

Be sure to visit the sponsor's brand page on BlogHer.com where you can read other bloggers reviews and find more chances to win!

Top Reasons NOT to Watch the New AMC and OLTL

Y'all, it's literally less than one day away.

Oh wait, I shouldn't watch. Here's a poll that I developed after combing the internet and finding the most popular reasons that people are not going to watch the revived All My Children and One Life to Live and I think you'll all agree that this is how we should live and think and we should totally not watch. Vote now on why you absolutely will not watch! Check your pick!

_ I refuse to pay to watch soaps, even though you absolutely can watch them for free.

_ I watched a 118-second promo video and I can already tell that THEY HATE THE FANS AND DON'T CARE ABOUT THE VETS!

_ I base all my viewing decisions on routine entertainment litigation and obviously Prospect Park is a super-evil production company and the first to ever sue a television network and therefore it is my moral obligation to refuse to watch a show that, actually, earns ABC money if I watch it.

_ Prospect Park told us we'd keep AMC and OLTL online and it would happen in January of 2012 and it didn't happen because they couldn't put the money together and that is just wrong and they are mean and cannot be trusted so I will not watch the shows that they literally brought back from the dead later than they had hoped.

_ Serial drama is just dead, forget it. The proof is in the pudding, which is something like 400 serial dramas currently on TV.

_ There are only four episodes a week. SACRILEGE. I'd rather have no soaps than a 20% reduction in story content!

_ I am sub-human and I do not like David Canary or Erika Slezak because, really, who would?

_ I do not have the internet, despite the fact that I am currently on the internet reading this dumb poll.

_ My favorite couple is not together, so obviously everyone hates me AND WANTS TO RUIN THE GENRE.

_ I do not like joy.

I may have had a little freakout the other day on Serial Drama's Facebook page about this. I'm going to get up SO EARLY tomorrow. To watch. For free. Because that's how it works. THAT IS HOW IT WORKS.

The Hills Are Alive With The Sound of My Rejoicing

Even though All My Children ended many months ago, I still find my mind wandering to the residents of Pine Valley every so often. Sometimes it's because I'm still complaining about the show's cliffhanger--you say "I think it's about time you made your piece with an admittedly terrible episode of television and move on, you lunatic", to which I respond that I AM a lunatic, but the show ended with either a mass bloodbath of people we've come to love of, if we're viewing things as optimistically as possible, a very public attempted suicide, so I think I have a few more YEARS of justified complaining. Other times, it's because I've coined a hilariously mean turn of phrase and regret not being able to use it to describe Ryan Lavery. And still other times, it's just a knowing sigh when I see a large bottle of hairspray.

I've also, like anybody with a heart, wondered what David Canary has been up to (I tried long and hard of a way to write that sentence with minimal creepiness and that's about the best I could do). Is he still acting? Not enough, according to IMDB--the last thing I saw him in was a (hilarious) episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Did he take up some sort of awesome hobby? He seems like the time who would find an offbeat hobby and just do it amazingly well. Maybe he travels? I don't know and I'm going to just cut myself off here before this blog becomes a David Canary fanfiction site and say the hell with clever segues: the man is coming back to our televisions. Well, computer monitors. Yes, he's joining Prospect Park's AMC!

Great news! Soaps In Depth has heard from multiple performers connected to the re-launch of ALL MY CHILDREN that Emmy-winners Susan Lucci (Erica) and David Canary (Adam/Stuart) will be part of the soap's new version set to debut online later this spring. As of now, Lucci, alas, will appear in just one episode while Canary will be seen on an ongoing basis.

Storylines are being kept under wraps, but In Depth also hears that AMC will have a heavy emphasis on a group of high school characters and that the series will be set five years from the moment JR readied to start shooting beloved Pine Valley citizens in the broadcast finale. Speaking of JR, In Depth also hears that the re-launched AMC will be start off with Adam and Dixie's son waking up from a coma...

Isn't that so...I want to say so amazingly exciting, but the truth of the matter is that it sounds almost entirely horrible. Euphoria never really lasts long for me, does it? "A heavy emphasis on a group of high school characters"? I full body shuddered. At least David Canary will be around on "an ongoing basis", whatever that means--having Adam Chandler around will go a long way in making storylines surrounded on teenage randoms a little better.

Short On Words, Long On Exclamation Points

Maybe it's the hypothermia* messing with my reading comprehension**, but I seem to be under the impression that Thorsten Kaye--Thorsten Freaking Kaye, you guys, as Zach Freaking Slater. THORSTEN! KAYE!--is headed to Prospect Park's All My Children and Jack Wagner--JACK WAGNER--Jack "OHMIGOD, you guys, Jack Wagner as Frisco. Frisco. Frisco!" Wagner--is returning to General Hospital and...that cannot be true, can it? It can and it is and all I can do is clap like a deranged seal!***

*No, REALLY. I know I say all the time "I'm so not melodramatic, but [insert absolutely ludicrous imaginary side effect of watching a television show here!]", but...it is so, so cold. And my office is so, so cold that the seltzer I had on my desk started to freeze and my rings kept falling off. FRIGID!

**When I first read this news, I saw "Frisco" as "Franco" and I literally gasp-shrieked and dropped my phone and almost started to cry. The saddest part about that sentence, besides my inability to read, is that I am not exaggerating. That is what just imagining a glimpse of the name Franco does to me. Did you guys see his poem about President Obama? I died a thousand deaths.

***And momentarily crash back down to earth by raising an eyebrow quizzically at the names not listed on the AMC returns list. Like Kanes and Chandlers, for example. I mean, granted, I would for sure watch a full hour of just Jill Larson as Opal, being hilarious, but...I don't know what to make of this.

I have no such misgivings about Jack Wagner's return--all of that is just pure awesome.

The 2012 Daytime Emmys Live-Blogging Extravaganza

The biggest night in daytime television is here and I'm not quite sure how to feel about it. I feel dread, obviously, because I've been doing this long enough to know that the following two hours will be filled with random winners, celebrities of yesteryear and song and dance numbers so oddly staged and weirdly placed that we'll all feel like a fever dream. But I also feel excitement (I actually cheerfully answered a "Any weekend plans?" question with "The Daytime Emmys are on tomorrow night!" I...don't think that person will be talking to me anymore) because it could be fabulous. Or at least fabulously bad. Probably fabulously bad. But at any rate, it's here and I am here to liveblog it with you (Louise is off doing something fabulous and sends her regrets. I even think she was genuine when she said she's sorry she's missing it!).

8:00: And we're off! At the site of a murder-suicide, which I hope is not an omen of things to come. We open on the highest of high notes with the ever-charming Anderson Cooper and the iconic, amazing, perfect Oscar the Grouch (the Muppets are flaw-free and I will hear no arguments on the contrary). Anderson is excited to honor the best that daytime has to offer, which upsets Oscar, who is only there because Elmo had a prior engagement. Here's the first song of the night and while I'd normally be huffing and puffing, it's OSCAR THE GROUCH. Oscar asks Anderson to tell him anything good that's ever happened on Daytime; examples include Luke and Laura's wedding and Tom Cruise's couch jump o'crazy.

8:03: Really, though, Anderson Cooper is too adorable for words. He introduces the lads up for Outstanding Younger Actor who are here to hand out the Emmy for Lead Actor. They do the annoying thing where they all take turns talking about the perils of being a lead actor. I have to say that Nathan Parsons has never annoyed me less than he did just now.

8:06: And the first Emmy of the night goes to Anthony Geary. Sigh. Darnell Williams was ROBBED. ROBBED.

8:07: It takes him forever and a day to make it to the stage. The GH cast gives a standing ovation and the rest of the audience seems to be completely over it. He gives a really long speech that I didn't entirely pay attention to (I'm sorry! I am already falling down on the live-blogging job), but I did hear the shout outs to Bob Guza and Jill Farren Phelps and I gagged a little bit. Or a lot. But he ends with a really nice thank you to Jonathan Jackson, Julie Marie Berman, Nathan Parsons and Jane Elliott, which was sweet because three of them are stellar and deserving of all of the awards themselves.

8:12: The cast of The Talk is here, all dressed in black except for the personality-free Julie Chen who is in a sparkly green sack. Do you think they hate her for being married to the network boss? I would. I guess I do, kind of. They do some shtick about how similar their show is to The View that gets a lot of laughs from a very easy audience and present the award for Outstanding Game Show Host. As soon as Ben Bailey is even mentioned as a nominee, the crowd goes crazy. What are they drinking? Todd Newton, host of something called Family Game Night on something else called The Hub. I am learning all of these new channels tonight. I feel so sheltered. He is very appreciative and thanks the great television hosts who came before him.

Special Programming Note: The Daytime Emmys Are Here!

It's that time of year again--that special night in June where we sit, transfixed, by a televised awards ceremony that is ostensibly meant to spotlight the best in the world of daytime but instead serves as both a thinly veiled advertisement for a tourist trap and as an ode to the random. Yes, the Daytime Emmy Awards are tonight and I will be here, watching and live-blogging and, I'm sure, rolling my eyes.

Join me here tonight, at 8 PM, to watch the ceremony LIVE on HLN, which is a channel (I kept reading it as HSN when it was announced that the show would be televised and I could not for the life of me figure out why a Home Shopping Network would air an awards show and wouldn't that make the home shoppers mad?). We'll talk about Ronn Moss's formal scarves, the deserving people who were utterly robbed, the (fingers crossed) deserving people who did manage to catch lightning in a bottle and walk away with an award and the bizarre musical numbers that will make up the bulk of the evening. I know when I write it out like that it doesn't seem fun, but it could be! Maybe! This is why I am not in advertising.