Serial Drama

Beverly Hills, 90210: Wedding Bell Blues

We're going back in time a bit to the final episode of Season 2. It always makes me happy to see the Walsh parents in the opening credits.

Brenda and Dylan are in an office at border control because Brenda went to another country without a driver's license, as geniuses do. Jim shows up and is NOT PLEASED, because, sure. His child lied about where she was and went to ANOTHER COUNTRY INSTEAD. He yells at Dylan a lot, not even realizing that Brenda lied to Dylan, too. He wants to know if Brandon was part of it, too. He was! And Kelly! Everyone was lying for her! Cindy isn't pleased. Cindy isn't pleased one bit. Jim suggests that the relationship is the problem, and Dylan gets all up in his face, since they are peers. After Dylan takes off, Brenda makes it clear that somehow she has been mistreated and wronged and is the real victim here. 

Kelly is dating Jake from Melrose Place, or rather Jake who will be on Melrose Place, and gets in trouble with her mom for having lied for Brenda. She isn't delighted.

Andrea thinks she wasn't invited to Kelly's mother's wedding. Andrea feels sorry for herself, as is the norm, and is furious. Because she thought she and Kelly were friends. Literally nobody points out that Andrea isn't friends with Kelly's mother, the actual human getting married, although they are about the same age.

Dylan seeks advice from Brandon on making up with Jim, but at the moment there's no way to make up to him. WHICH IS FINE. GOOD GRAVY, SHE WENT TO ANOTHER COUNTRY.

At Casa Walsh, there are a lot of awkward silences. Brandon is in trouble for lying to his parents for Brenda, who still feels persecuted. At school, Dylan smooches her and says he wants to skip Jackie's wedding, and Brenda decides she'll skip the wedding too which makes all the sense in the world. Dylan is unhappy about all of this, but in a rebellious way, which manifests itself in a dramatic exit that involves this:

My boyfriend is such a dark and tortured soul, he slapped the ceiling!

Jake has finished his job, which gives Kelly the sads. It makes me happy to see Kelly with eyebrows, because once we hit the college years they are gone, gone, gone.

Jake makes himself irresistible by telling Kelly he's the last person she should be dating. Kelly and Brenda get in a fight about this, and about how it's exhausting that all Brenda talks about is her problems with Dylan. Brenda insists Kelly has no right to talk about her relationship issues as if they compare with hers. And there's some sort of plumbing issue at the house so the wedding can't happen there!

Andrea finds the wedding invitation, which was stuck to her mother's purse or some shit. Brandon offers up his parents' house for the wedding, which they don't want, but get stuck with. The Walshes continue to have terrible kids and only punish one of them, the girlchild, so on some level I can understand why she gets so confused when she gets in trouble for legitimate reasons.

Brenda makes some sort of feminism argument at Cindy for standing by Jim's decision to ask Brenda and Dylan to cool it for a bit. Cindy, who is in love with Dylan, wants to help. She gives Brandon a letter for Dylan. Inexplicably it is not covered in hearts, but it might as well be.

She signs it, "With love, Cindy Walsh" as if there might have been confusion.

Kelly apologizes to Brenda, who actually realizes she should apologize too. They hug it out.

It's going to be the last time. 

Beverly Hills, 90210: Remember the Alamo

The people have spoken in survey form (you can still take it! one question!). It was cool to see the responses, and our beloved Beverly Hills, 90210 won by a landslide, but there was significant interest in other areas as well, so none of those are excluded. All this means is that I'll make the Bev Hills effort more than once a year!

I can't promise any sort of chronological order since, let's face it, I've watched the whole series a lot and sometimes I just want to skip whole eras. And I've explained that, unlike most BH90210 nostalgia blogs and podcasts and message boards, I am unabashedly pro-Kelly Taylor, and to stay that way I need to avoid some of the Brandon/Kelly episodes, since I found her insufferably sanctimonious during that time. (I will take doing a crap thing to a friend as a teenager in the Summer of Deception any day over smug-faced sanctimony)

Nonetheless, I happened to be doing an episodes fly-by and fell on one where my girl is not at her best. I'll cover it anyway.

It's the premiere of the seventh season and David is directing a video starring Donna, since she is the hottest thing to ever happen, according to her actress's EP father (early shades of Trump??). I can't quite remember what was going on here, other than David and Donna working together as... what, music producers? And David is a director? How does that make sense? David doesn't give a shit about anything Donna is saying about "at least we have each other," and she gives some pained looked in response. It's a day ending in Y.

New Season 7 credits, killing me with Kelly's bad hair. And Joe E. Tata is main cast now. 

Beach apartment. Kelly's hair is actually growing out okay. Claire shows up looking like she wrote and invented the 90s.

Brandon called to say he and Steve are staying in San Antonio and Claire is surprised to miss him this much. I don't blame her, since Steve was my least favorite character until (a) Season 10 and (b) my rewatch of the whole dang thing in which he's utterly dopey and endearing and less of a smugshit than anyone else ever was on this show.

Cut to Texas, where they try to make it look like it's 1951. The tow truck driver is very impressed that Brandon and Steve must know all the movie stars, so that's not condescending at all. PRIESTLEY'S FROM CANADA, please. The mechanics make "fruits and nuts" jokes toward Steve and Brandon, and Brandon talks about Steve's tongue in his ear or something. Allies! Ha. Steve wants to call Claire and Brandon says, "Be gentle, she's a small girl," which is not as cute as anyone thinks.

Brando calls Val, who is feeling sorry for herself because she's like 20 or 21 and lives in a mansion and owns a popular club in Los Angeles, and you guys: SHE'S SMOKING POT!!!! Terrible! Now we know she's still "bad."

Brando meets a black girl in the library in Texas so here we go. He's going to teach us all by being a white savior in a not-at-all condescending storyline.

Kelly needs to find an internship for her major. Val shows up where Kel and Claire are, and is somehow offended that Kelly hasn't contacted her all summer. These two have the dumbest pissing contests over the years. They openly hate each other, but somehow Kelly's a bitch for not visiting. Val announces she'll wait till Kelly gets a new man so she can go after him, and they smirk at each other because they are awake.

Mariah's boss at the library is super-rude to her, and Brando's all over it, savior-ing.

Those stereotypes from the mechanics' place see them together and legit say, "Salt and pepper, don't that make you sick?" because sure, small towns, WRITERS.

Val meets the infamous accountant Kenny. A lot of this is hard to really respond to as if I'm not seeing it for the thousandth time with knowledge of the future, but Kenny is a DUD. Why did this show think this was the best Val could do?

Donna's hair is the worst and their musician is a bad UK stereotype, because we haven't done enough regional cliches yet this episode. He remembers Kelly bizarre Seventeen Magazine cover, and she agrees to hang out a bit to help Donna keep the client. 

Brandon is douching it up with Mariah, who is played by Maia Campbell who blissfully had a good sitcom career after this humiliation, and they're talking about former relationships.

Honestly by Season 6, this really turned into a daytime soap format at night -- the scenes are so short. This really depresses me about the whole genre. ANYWAY. The English idiot is taping his video on the beach and mainly cares about whether or not Kelly approves. David is outraged at Donna for distracting the artist with Kelly. Taz! That's the artist. Ugh, this show. Was there a stereotype they ever ignored? 

Quick Survey!

Literally one question: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/8KSJWMX

It's anonymous and you can pick more than one thing! Feel free to expand on it in the comments here -- if you picked Web Soaps, do you have favorites? If you picked 90210, what are your favorite seasons? Etc!

Edited to add: I want to clarify one thing. I'm probably not going to cover the best new shows on television. Or the best old shows. If I can't have a little fun at the show's expense, for the most part, you can find lots of much more high-profile commentary on just about everything. I'm not here to recap Friday Night Lights or The Wire. I even dropped The Fosters because I like it and other places covered it well (Previously TV, Autostraddle, etc) but I noticed some sites dropped them so, hey, low-coverage shows are more likely to happen here if they're worth it. Maybe I'll pick it back up.

This is kind of stream-of-consciousness, but I just wanted to offer up a sense of what's behind the thinking here! 

 

Beverly Hills, 90210: Sorry, Scott Scanlon!

So I'm doing a full re-watch of Beverly Hills, 90210 now that it's streaming on Hulu and now that you can get Hulu without commercials (thank you, television gods!), but apparently over 60 episodes of the show are completely missing because Hulu wasn't able to get the music rights. Which is particularly hilarious since all the actual pop music from the show has been replaced anyway by some terrible pop-punk/grunge hybrid something-or-other, to the point where literally characters are singing along to the WRONG SONG and references are made that make zero sense at all. (I mean the series finale is missing!)

Point being, some of the most iconic episodes aren't there, so I added a few of the DVDs to my Netflix queue to fill in the gaps. I won't be recapping the whole series, but just episodes here and there, and what better episode to start with than "The Next Fifty Years," otherwise known as the Very Special Episode in which former series regular Scott Scanlon bites it after playing with his dad's gun. Don't play with guns, kids! They're not toys! They even say that in the episode!

(WARNING: most people who still talk about the original 90210 on these here internets are only interested in the Brenda years and are pretty hung up on how awesome she is and how horribly she was treated by anyone and everyone. If that sounds like you, I promise that you will only be annoyed by my commentary. Go to literally anywhere else on the internet where they talk about Bev Hills. I find new reasons to hate her every single time I rewatch this series and I keep thinking I'm going to see things differently but I never do. This blog may well end up being a revival of the I Hate Brenda club, seriously. ShanDo is awesome. Brenda is not. That's a credit to the actress, to be clear.) (Again: this is a SAFE SPACE for Brenda hating!)

I sat down to watch it expecting to be laughing at it the entire time, but perhaps I'm getting soft in my old age. I actually thought it was pretty well executed in a lot ways and it made me sad. There's no room for such things in my life! I'm hoping on my recap rewatch I'll have a little more aesthetic distance!

Basically the framing device here is that there's a time capsule from 1941 that's being opened at the school. Because this is 1991. There's some sort of choir singing at the school (which is convenient, since they'll milk it for pathos later), and we open with their rendition of "This Is My Country," which goes on forever. Seriously. They cut around to our various beloved characters who are simply rapt. Is "This Is My Country" not in the public domain yet? I'm going to lose my mind trying to figure out what the dealbreaker was for streaming rights here. David is making a video yearbook, in which he helpfully defines Brenda and Dylan as "popular." We're going to be hearing that word a lot today. This group of friends: MOST POPULAR PEOPLE AT WEST BEVERLY. Despite the fact that they never interact with other humans and, when they do, it's generally to get sanctimonious at them in one way or the other. 

Andrea really wants Brandon to come watch Citizen Kane on Saturday night (she's excited because it came out the year she was born!), but he breaks her little heart once again by having plans with a certain Emily Valentine, who has yet to have her meltdown or spike anyone's drink with U4EA. She has, however, already suffered the wrath of Brenda Walsh, who was a total beast to her in her introductory episode. 

The gang talks about what they would have done if they were around in 1941. Dylan thinks he would have joined the navy, while Steve is certain he would have been a marine. Sure, guys. You seem like the types to be war heroes. Scott Scanlon wanders up and tries to get David's attention but, you see, David got cool over the summer season while Scott spent the summer getting less cool in Oklahoma, which presumably occurred because they realized Douglas Emerson was not, how do you say, an actor.

Mrs. Scanlon is stalking David at school to try to convince him to help her plan a surprise party this Saturday for Scott's birthday. He really doesn't want to do it, but she guilts him into it. She thinks 25 kids would be perfect! David chases down Scott's fifth-grade girlfriend, who explains that being known as Scott Scanlon's former girlfriend is "embarrassing now!" 

David approaches the gang to try to get them to go to the party. Dylan can't go because, man, he's going to be in Baja this weekend. Brenda wants to know when she gets to join him in Baja. Well, Brenda, in about 18 episodes you're going to lie to your parents and leave the country and then get caught and act like being in trouble for LEAVING THE COUNTRY is completely out of line, since every time you get in trouble you seem to think you're the wronged party instead of, I don't know, apologizing and showing a little humility. (I warned you guys!)

Kelly wants to know who else is going. Kelly, literally everyone you know is standing right there, so what difference does it make? Donna's in, and is going to have a hard time talking anyone else into it. She will talk them into it, but we'll never know how because this happens off-screen.

We cut to the party preparations. Scott has 375 siblings and they pop a lot of balloons. This is very startling for people, and is also foreshadowing. Because accidental gunshots and popped balloons, of course. None of these siblings is Sue Scanlon, the sister they invent the following season who David tries to rescue from sluttiness and goth clothing. A little brother wants to do some gun-shooting in their Beverly Hills backyard at night, and in case you think that's normal, Mr. Scanlon assures us that guns are not toys, they are weapons. Lest you think this is responsible parenting, don't forget that he keeps a loaded gun in his desk drawer in a house full of 376 children with Attention Deficit Disorder.

They yell "surprise!" but it's really Donna, Steve, Kelly, and Brenda. Mrs. Scanlon is somehow really put out by this. Brandon and Emily are arriving outside and totally ruin the surprise, mostly because Brandon ruins everything. (Are you starting to sense how much I hate these twins?) Scott cannot believe that the most important kids at school are all at his house! In fact, he deems this "far out!" Mrs. Scanlon does not appreciate these "friends" showing up without gifts.

David is annoyed. He finds a moment with Donna.

David: She acts like the party was ruined because of me and my friends when she should be thanking me for saving it! It's not like Scott's Mr. Popular. No one would have even showed up if it wasn't for you and me. 

Because this is television, Scott overheard the whole thing. I mean he was there from the first word and David just kept talking. Both David and Donna apparently have some sort of sight disorder, because really, how did they not see him?

David does not apologize. Again, because this is TV, there's just an awkward silence and we cut to the next scene. 

The gang is being deliberately miserable. Steve wants to know how long they have to stay. "We're on borrowed time as it is," says Brandon, which makes no sense.

Everyone starts to leave, and when Mrs. Scanlon protests, Brandon insists that it's getting very late now that it's 8:30. Because Brandon is a dick. David swoops in to save the day by announcing that his birthday present to Scott is learning how to dance! The cool kids are going to teach him. Brandon and Emily do not participate in this, because it is beneath them. This is actually kind of a sweet scene because the rest of them actually do step up and have a little fun, and Brenda and Kelly particularly show Scott a good time by dancing right up on little Scott. Speaking of Little Scott, it's probably making some moves in his pants now, right about the time that the two hottest girls in school are kind of grinding on him.

Things fall apart completely when Brenda makes this inexplicable move:

Someone needs to explain this to me. I was there in the 90s. In fact, I was the same age as these characters (and about 20 years younger than half of the actors). I don't remember this.

Days of our Lives: Second Time in Salem

Well folks, I decided to watch Days of Our Lives today. So before I start live-blogging it (which really will just be recap since it's not like I'm posting in real time, but I don't know what else to call it), this is my relationship with the show: I have watched two episodes of it. Ever. Those two episodes were when Marlena was possessed by the devil. Or some other demon? I don't know but it was freakin' awesome. My point, though, is that I really am coming in knowing absolutely nothing. Running in soap circles means I know a few of the couples and a few of the names but truly not many. So bear with me, as I will probably get some names wrong or not know names at all or accidentally call them by names of characters they played on other shows or just identify them by the actors' names or just be all "this other middle aged white dude" about it. I don't know what I'm doing here. So this should be fun.

Ready?

Okay!

A blonde is flashing back to catching a young dude in bed with BLAIR DAIMLER, let's call her (no, let's not, I do know she's Eve on here but I had to get that out of my system) (any of you who ever read my OLTL posts know full well that Blair was my favorite character on that show, so let's all just face the fact that I'm biased in her direction here, especially if she's a bitch).

Apparently it was bad news for this blonde. I think this blonde is married to Scott Reeves. In real life, not on the show. I don't think he's on this show. Although he might be. 

Some other blonde is flashing back to a friendly moment with Lucky Spencer Actor #3, Greg Vaughan, my second-favorite Lucky. 

Dylan McKay's dad is talking to Kelly Taylor's ex-fiance and I can't really what they're talking about because Dylan McKay's dad has truly bizarre speech patterns. I wonder how many times this version of Dylan McKay's dad has come back from the dead. Just once on BH90210, I think. Sky's the limit on daytime, though.

Hey, it's Natalie Vega! (Notice how I am just going to pick my favorite last name for all the women, since all soap women have had like forty last names.)

Temporary Maxie Jones is coming to visit Eve. I think her name is Theresa? Lord this is going to confuse me. You know those two-hander plays where two actors play thirty-seven characters and you have to play mental olympics to keep up? That's what this is already feeling like.

Blonde is confronting.... JJ? To ask him why he did it. "It," I presume, being Eve. Which, have you seen her? Why is an explanation necessary? There's some brunette individual listening in, in plain sight since this is a soap and that's how we do.

Opening credits! Y'all, I could not be more psyched that they've kept their classic opening! That's so awesome! Did they ever try to do something cheesy-contemporary at any point and then go back?

Other blonde is monologue-ing to herself about how she doesn't have feelings for Eric, who I suppose is Greg Vaughan's character? Anyway, she's flashing back.... or having a fantasy. She's making out with some dark-haired guy who I think has been on this show forever.

A Visit to TV's Beverly Hills

I don't have the faintest idea what's possessed me to do this instead of writing about today's General Hospital or The Bold & the Beautiful but... wait, I do. More Sandy coverage meant they didn't record and I have to watch them online, and can I just whine about all the pausing I have to do to take notes while watching an episode on the computer I'm using to take said notes? LIFE IS SO HARD. 

So instead, I'm sitting down to something that did record. And hey, it's a soap, so I'll write about it. I don't know how many of you watch 90210 (as in the new version, not the original decade-long parade of bad fashion and smug behavior and general awesomeness), but I admit it. I do. It was god-awful for the first two seasons and then it shifted somehow and stopped trying to be something it wasn't and embraced its ridiculousness. And then another weird shift happened where I started loving the characters I had hated (Naomi and Ivy, for instance) and loathing the characters I'd loved (Silver and Adriana, for instance). Sometimes I hate-watch, sometimes I snark-watch, and sometimes I actually find myself being genuinely entertained.

Now the embarrassing truth is out there. Monday nights don't offer much amusing television, and tonight's How I Met Your Mother decided to stop being a rough copycat of Friends but with a fun gimmick and better continuity and mythology and turn into Friends, Part II with just not even a hint of an attempt to hide it (okay, I did like the little dog). So here I am, sitting down as Naomi, Annie, Ade, and Silver sit down to some salads. Naomi's talking about how she has to get a Brazilian before hubby Max returns in two hours, which seems like not enough time to let the burning and swelling go down but whatevs. I hear waxing in Bev Hills is magic! Ade and Dixon, apparently, are going to start focusing on their careers again so at least there will be something to fast-forward soon! 

Apparently Silver's little nude photo session has gone viral and some dude sends champagne over to the girls, which by process of elimination means Annie has to be the one to go say hello to this guy. Poor guy. He didn't know!

Liam apparently has a supermodel for a professor. This supermodel is very unimpressed with him, so I wonder how long till we see some gratuitous scene of Liam dry-humping her up against a chalkboard.

Something's going on with Adriana and Dixon and their "career," which somehow involves that dude Adriana was boning when Dixon got rammed by an eighteen-wheeler, which is about as exciting as... nothing. But I think his name is Taylor?

Silver is all offended that the nude photos of her are out there, so she gets all smug and pious about it because she is Erin Silver and it's kind of her thing. Her sister went through that phase, too, but at least her sister had unfortunate haircuts and smugmeister Brandon as things to blame.

At least Silver has nice hair this season. 
Colin, the dude from the bar, uses his fancy computer skills to remove all of the nekkid photos of Silver from the worldwide web. And yet Annie still turns him down for a date!

Trial of the Century! Or, You Know, the Day.

Whichever comes first.

So first we got Jesse Vasquez, D.A., otherwise known as the man who totally ruined Andrea Zuckerman as a character on Beverly Hills, 90210. Well, okay, to be fair it might have been more that they wrote a "challenges of raising a baby when you're still just kids yourselves!" storyline for actors who looked to be in their forties at the time, but whatever. Jesse sucked and he was rude to Dylan McKay, love of my life.

There won't be forgiveness anytime soon, Vasquez! Think again!

But I digress. (Which is totally unlike me!)

Speaking of Sonny's super-exciting trial in which they'll probably totally prove that Sonny's guilty and send him to prison for the rest of his life (Right? We're all dying to see if that happens, right? Oh, the suspense!), just a quick note to the GH directing team: there are a number of GH-only viewers bristling at the introduction of the OLTL crossover characters. Eventually they'll be integrated into the show enough that they'll be taken as any other new character -- on their own merits, some will hate them and some will love them. But a hint? If you want the character of Starr Manning to win any viewers over, stop letting her make this face.

It's odd that a simple facial expression can make a character wholly unsympathetic but I assure you, it can! The perma-snarl is not doing the eldest Manning child any favors.

Fortunately they really sped through the trial since it's not really the point, as we all know Sonny didn't do it (our first clue being the fact that he was accused of it), and they did so to get to what is clearly the main event:

I Choose SOAPNet Marathons

It's rare that I am ever thankful for anything SOAPNet related, unless one counts the new and creative swearing that I get to do when confronted with one of their typically boneheaded programming moves, but this year I have two reasons to be grateful. The first, of course, is the fantastic second season of General Hospital: Night Shift and the other? Today's epic "Kelly's Leftovers" marathon of Beverly Hills 90210.

If you are not going to brave the Black Friday crowds, spend 10 hours with 90210's spoiled, daddy issue laden, boyfriend-stealing, drug-addicted, diet pill popping, rape victim, cult member, burn victim, shooting victim, stalking victim, temporary amnesiac, rapist shooting self-chooser!  The marathon starts at 11 AM with the Spring Dance episode and ends with the series finale at 8 PM and is guaranteed to be entertaining, sometimes even on purpose!

Donna Martin Hallucinates

So you may have heard that the CW is considering a 90210 spin-off that would revolve around the next generation (or, considering the ages of the actors on the original show, the next next generation) of rich Beverly Hills teens.  (BTW, please note the plethora of Mom Jeans in the photo in that link.  I've been staring at it in horror/awe for at least 15 minutes.  Oh, and while we're on this subject?  Gap has some serious explaining to do.)

I am intrigued by the involvement in this supposedly real project of the dude who was in charge of Veronica Mars, because I heard that was a good show.  And I can rarely resist a cheesy teen drama.  However, this also promises to be yet another in a line of said shows that feature guys I used to lust over when I was a teenager as the father of one of the main characters, and this time it might drive me right over the edge.  I am only barely hanging on after Paul Johansson on One Tree Hill.  Not that I watch One Tree Hill.  (OMG, bringing us right back on topic, 90210 originated my crush on Paul Johansson.  Even though his character was an asshole.  And maybe a date-rapist?  I don't remember.  Whatever, don't judge.)

But more importantly, and a concern that should be slightly more widespread than the latest threat to my vanity:  90210 kind of sucked.  You know it's true.  We loved it, but objectively speaking it's a terrible show!  And without the kids being my same age, and pining away after Kelly Taylor's wardrobe (I told you not to judge, bitches), I don't know that I'll be able to overlook the flaws this time.  So for those of you who emailed us your similar concerns, I must agree that this is a truly WTF?! proposition that is still, somehow, oddly promising.

However, I haven't even gotten to the most WTF aspect of it yet!  You won't believe it!  When asked about her opinion on the possible spin-off, Tori Spelling opined:

Tori: They should give me a call.  Every teen drama needs a MILF, right?

TORI SPELLING CALLED HERSELF A MILF.  I need to go to a happy place.  I need to go to a happy place.  I need to go to a happy place.  The "F" in  that acronym stands for something else.  Fight?  Forget?  Fingerprint?  Flee?  Flog?  Fumigate?

90210: Season 1, Episode 4

Definitely making progress; I had to pop in Disc 2 tonight. As opposed to Disc 1, which features a picture of young lovers Dylan and Brenda, Disc 2 features a picture of Kelly and Steve. Kell, of course, has just descended from heaven and her smile about melted both my heart and my laptop's DVD player. Steve, on the other hand, sports that curious blond loofah on the top of his head. In case you're wondering, the answer to your question is yes: that's the first time I've ever Googled the word loofah. Well, the first time tonight, I should say. Let's start blogging!