Serial Drama

2017 Soaps Round-up(ish) and Round Table(ish)

I thought about trying to do some sort of year-end post since I've been a much more active viewer this year, but then I realized... not enough. I looked back through posts and I checked in on General Hospital in January and then again in May and I truly can't remember how much of The Bold and the Beautiful I watched because it's so repetitive that's it confusing to track time. And I believe I've been watching Days of Our Lives since late October. So I'm going to half-ass it, with just some random thoughts and the major disclaimer that this is by no means thorough. But let's take a look at a few bests and worsts.

 

WORST STORYLINE

GH: Did someone say "Ask Man Landers?" There's really no need to expand on that.

 

BEST STORYLINE

DAYS: Will's not dead. It involved so many people and Alison Sweeney, Deidre Hall, and Chandler Massey gave truly incredible performances. The best part was that it was told with compassion.

Honorable mention goes to GH for Jason's return, but points were deducted for the ridiculous preparation for it in which all the characters started announcing Jason just hadn't been the same since his new-faced return from the dead (in stark contrast to literally everything we saw over those years), and even more points deducted for playing it safe-and-boring by having Jason completely the same and unaffected by his five-year ordeal.

 

MOST UNDERUSED CHARACTERS/ACTORS

This one's surely a tie between two shows.

GH: Are you freaking kidding me with how little you use Dominic Zamprogna? There are literally dozens of ways Dante could be involved in every storyline, and they have one of their best actors just standing around delivering support and exposition.

B&B: Avants and Avant-adjacent people. Are Maya and Rick on this show anymore? They friggin' should be! And then they have actual legends playing Maya's parents and barely bother, because lord knows we need to see more of Steffy and Bill for some reason.

 

BEST COUPLE

B&B: Katie and Wyatt. Don't even act like it's scandalous, it's a smaller age difference than most of the couples on that show and they are hot as hell. Now let's just give them more screentime.

GH: Hayden and Finn. They knew they were writing her off and all of a sudden knew how to write a great couple. It's a shame they ended it, but pretty quickly we'll get to why we can live with it. Kevin and Laura are an honorable mention, but The Olds don't get much attention. Drew and Sam are another honorable mention, but they only seemed to heat them up in service of the oncoming triangle with the Holy Hitman.

 

WORST COUPLE

GH: Carly and Sonny. The full-on smug has returned and it's unbearable.

 

MOST DISAPPOINTING FALLOUT

GH: Nelle's scam. Months and months and months of the poor (very good) actress having to play virtually no context, and then it turned out she was just mad because her dad had also been Carly's adoptive dad and abandoned Carly? Huh? "What goes around comes around, bitch" should've been a line for the ages but it just sort of sputtered. We want "chickens coming home to roost" stories for Carly (and DEAR LORD FOR SONNY), but they never actually follow through. Even since then Nelle is a cipher. Here's hoping she and Ava actually become confidants so we know anything real.

B&B: Literally anything that happens with Bill. It's a friggin' joke.

The Bold & the Beautiful: Biker Chick's In-Law Seduction Techniques

Haven't recapped The Bold & the Beautiful in a while, and given the rather massive casting news we got recently about a certain former General Hospital Aussie joining the cast in what I'm assuming will actually be a pivotal role again (let's face it, Thorne hasn't had a storyline in eons, he was literally only there for like two episodes when his daughter went insane and was killed in self-defense by his niece) it feels like the right time. Especially since it might draw some new viewers! And if you're new, great news: it's not hard to catch up. Everyone has been married to or romantically involved with everyone else (of the opposite gender, that is, no Gays of Our Lives on this one except for Caroline's offscreen moms) on this show and no couples last more than a few months at a time. Now you're caught up! Also, Bill is evil and there's no reason anyone still endures his existence.

Anyway, shall we? 

Steffy and Bill flirt with each other. He calls her "Motorcycle Mama" and my eyes hurt from rolling, and this ain't subtle. Bill is so drawn to Badass Steffy! She's such a Cool Girl! She rides a "hog" and drinks beer!

Liam continues to explain to Wyatt why their father is a terrible man. Wyatt inexplicably looks skeptical because... why? I guess because he likes the money Bill gave him?

Brooke thanks Ridge for welcoming her back home.

Ridge: It's one of my favorite hobbies, moving you back home after a marital mishap.

Okay, writers, that one was actually pretty damn funny on purpose. Anyway, Brooke tells him she needs time to make the right decision, and he tells her he'll support any decision which brings her home. (Which means he'll only support just the one decision, not "any," but semantics, right?) She tells him she wants to cut her hours at FC back to part-time, but he thinks she should throw herself into her work since she'll always be a Forrester. "You are Forrest Creations," he tells her.

Bill and Steffy are sharing a beer while Steffy rubs her father-in-law's upper thigh to "comfort" him.

She tells him "Motorcycle Mama" isn't a great name for her since she and Liam have been trying but failing to get pregnant. They touch each other an awful lot while she pretends to think Brooke might come back to him and they can be grandparents together. He's not so sure.

STEFFY: I can guarantee a woman's going to come into your life that's gonna make you forget that Brooke Logan ever existed. 

Again, real subtle. (Hey Bill, remember how obsessed with "loyalty" you are? Any thoughts on what a crap disloyal wife Steffy currently is? No? Okee dokes.)

Liam wants Wyatt to help him run Spencer Publications the "right" way, but Wyatt thinks they don't have enough experience. He's also concerned that Bill's vengeance would take them down.

WYATT: What Dad did was wrong, but at least he regrets it!

Oh Wyatt, you dummy. You may currently have great taste in women, but otherwise? Ouch. Bill doesn't regret a damn thing, he only regrets that Liam used it to oust him and that his wife walked out on him for it. He's still rationalizing it, and also maintains that the lie about Caroline's "terminal illness" was the right thing to do.

An Open Apology to the Assassins of the World

Sorry, hit men. And your bosses. The ways you suffer. The manners in which people  betraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay you. It's like, you murder (or try and fail, in Shawn's case) (a lot) (though not for much longer) a bunch of people, or you order someone else to murder a bunch of people, and look what happens! Your women turn out to be law enforcement. People lie to you about your identity. People try to get custody of your children. Folks lie about whether or not you fathered a child. All for just a bunch of silly murders! THESE PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THE MEANING OF LOVE.

I mean, love is never having to say you're sorry, right? 

And yet, the people of Port Charles are constantly doing you wrong and then having to line up and apologize to you. They don't love you. You're the ones who understand love. Which means you will NOT apologize for what you "do for a living" or "who you are" or "doing a lot of murdery stuff all of the time." Like, how judge-y can these people be about a person's day job? We all need to make a living!

Also, life is a risk! We all risk our lives every morning when we get out of bed, so what's a little hail of bullets here and there? How does keeping someone away from that world maintain their safety in any way? WHY IS EVERYONE SO UPTIGHT. (We learned long ago where the real danger lies: DOORS.)

Really, the problem is clear: Women. They keep trying to impose their ridiculous "values" on everyone, which is just like a woman. But wear them down enough and they'll show their true colors and take your lead. There may have been a time that Alexis or Anna or Elizabeth or Jordan anyone else thought a murdery lifestyle was a bad thing, but as you can see, there's flexibility. Nobody really means that. Lead by example long enough and you'll even have women who've devoted their entire lives to justice turn into murderers right in front of your eyes! And if that woman is hot enough, the Chief of Police just might help her cover it right on up. Because why not? It's understandable. They're finally starting to get it! It's not like you guys go around murdering folks willy-nilly. Everyone would get it and have to finally stop apologizing to you if they would just realize that the people you murder (or have murdered) are jerks. Some of them did something mean to someone you love, some of them are con artists, some of them did exactly the same thing you do for a living but they did it for some other boss, and some of them are your son's biological father and that is just annoying. IT'S WHO YOU ARE.

So, like Jordan and everyone else, I am so sorry, you guys. I'm sorry that the world doesn't understand that you exemplify LOVE and LOYALTY and RIGHTEOUSNESS.

But there's a light at the end of this tunnel. Port Charles had lost its way in the last couple of years. Things having nothing to do with the mob were interesting to folks. People's lives didn't revolve around organized crime. And the town had NO MORAL CENTER. Whose example was everyone to follow?? Doctors? Nurses? Law enforcement? Ha! It makes sense that everyone was lost. But nobody needs to be lost anymore, you guys. Because guess who's back? Guess which sanctimonious serial killer is back to guide us all with his ethical wisdom, to defend the innocent and rescue all the children, to have otherwise intelligent women sacrifice all their integrity for, to be the local Jiminy Cricket, to wander around town justifying any action that anyone took out of LOVE!

That's right, SAINT JASUS OF ASSASSIN. He's alive and he's back.

So everything's going to be fine, you guys!

Hey, remember when Duke and AJ came back to life and we all felt a glimmer of hope that their presence might undermine the mob stronghold on the in-show moral code? Because Duke was this great character in one of the loveliest mob storylines this show ever told, a story about real redemption through love in which someone actually did finally turn their back on the mob because love -- not just romantic love, but ultimately love of a child, love of self, love of decency -- meant more. And because AJ, while a mess of a human being, could possibly come back to completely explode the mythology that being whiny and being a recovering alcoholic is somehow actually worse than all the murder-for-money nonsense going on. And then remember how all that got canceled out because Duke got more mobbed up than ever and then offed and Sonny got to murder AJ and totally get away with it anyway?

That was fun.

Isn't it cool how Anna's a murderer now? See, the mobsters were right all along. IT'S IN ALL OF US! Who are we to judge?

It's Real This Time

Did we think this would ever happen while he breathed air? 

Anthony Geary, once and for all, is absotively posilutely leaving General Hospital.

It's been rumored for so long, but now that it's official: how's everyone feeling? Happy? Sad? Relieved? Ambivalent? Tired? Confused? Apoplectic? Lost? Small?

Hungry?

I think we're all wondering about the recent news that Genie Francis will be appearing soon, and whether or not that's connected. Would they really kill him off, or do you think they'll actually send Luke and Laura into the sunset together?

Check out his exit interview here. 

Daytime Emmys: Live Blog

7:53pm:  Who's ready?

8:00pm:  They're doing a sketch about Ellen DeGeneres and Matt Lauer, which mostly seems about how they definitely will not show up for this thing. I mean it's for charity! That's the nicer thing. "Charity," unspecified. 

8:03pm: Tyra's hosting, it's real! This is the first time she's ever hosted an awards show, and is nervous about her lack-of-weave. In her childhood, they watched GH and Y&R. Tyra is basically overdramatically wonderful. She is rapping. Should she rap? I don't know about that.

8:08pm: Steve Harvey is presenting, and requests that the producers stop filming the losers' faces. 

8:09pm: Outstanding Actress! Finola, Elizabeth, Linsey, Amelia, and Lisa. Even Finola Hughes's clip made made me weepy. But, she did not win. Amelia Heinle won. She's insanely pretty. But she is not Finola Hughes. I feel crazy right now. 

8:13pm: Something about a game show? At least everyone seems awake. Outstanding Entertainment News Program! Entertainment Tonight wins. I outright did not know this was still a thing, but I do not claim to be on the cutting edge.

Who's here? Is anyone actually watching? Are you drinking to get through, or just suffering alone in some more healthy manner?

8:16pm:  Fan favorite award! Favorite talk show... audience? I don't even understand this award. I voted, but I don't remember being asked about an audience. Can we get Serial Drama readers an award now? If this is how things are working now, I'd like that very much.

8:20pm:  The hostesses of The Talk are presenting, and mostly Aisha Tyler is really, really, really, really tall. And they're joking about audiences. Because they're about to give an audience award, and I'm still confused. Did they trick me into voting in this category? Sara Gilbert is staring to look almost exactly like her wife. But, Craig Ferguson wins. I still don't understand the category, but my dog has farted in protest.

THERE IS BETTY WHITE. So no matter what anyone says, this show is the most important thing on television right now. Because Betty White is there.

8:25pm: Kirsten Storms and Ryan Paevy present Outstanding Morning Program. CBS Sunday Morning wins, because it is a thing on the air. Some old white men accept the award and speak awkwardly into the microphone.

8:26pm: They show clips from the Best Bitch Slap nominees. I actually saw none of these when they happened, so this is a bit of a delight. (Brooke looks like she deserved it?) Oh hey! B&B won for Quinn slapping drunk Brooke!

8:30pm:  Tyra is wearing very little, and now my dog is literally just standing in front of me, staring. She must be baffled as to why I'd be watching this. They're doing a video package of some fifth grade teacher. (I see some comments are coming in. soapbaby is with us!) Anyway the teacher is there and is crying and looks so beautiful and I love it!

8:34pm: They've already cut show clips for Outstanding Supporting Actor. That was fast! Chad Duell wins for General HospitalI! Good for him. Who can help but get behind him in Michael's new Sonny-hating mode? Truthfully, he's very good but this past year has given him a more generous showcase than the past sad-sack material. He thanks Ron Carlivati, Frank Valentini, Kristen Alderson, and God. Twice. Oh, Jesus made the cut, too.

8:36pm: Someone is singing "What I Did For Love" and they're doing a montage of actual soap scenes. ACTUAL SCENES. You guys. Among a hundred other things, they did the "Sonny sees Brenda outside the church in the rain alive" scene. And I actually really like this. No snark, y'all. None at all. Though I would still rather see nominees' clips.

8:40pm: Mario Lopez is presenting Outstanding Morning Program: Spanish Language. Una... nope, sorry, I did not understand the title of the winner. But AC Slater presented, so all is well! The dimples are all happening. My dog keeps shoving her face into my keyboard.

Glamorous life of a soap blogger: my dog has just pooped on the floor.

8:45pm: BETTY WHITE IS GETTING AN AWARD, EVERYONE SHOW RESPECT.

Those track suits do not bedazzle themselves, you guys.

Charo and Regis and Fred Willard and Marie Osmond are on hand to introduce her. Y'all. Betty White. Betty White. What is there to snark about? She is human perfection. Shut up. I'm not crying, your face is crying! 

Okay, I'm crying. The tribute was a bit odd, though. Nothing from the past 35 years?? Aww, Fred Willard is acknowledging her time on B&B and her fantastic work in animal rights. And Charo says Betty is the one who "put the coochee in the coochee coochee coochee."

So Betty White, the world's most wonderful human, accepts her Lifetime Achievement Award. She loves the award, but she's not quite as hot for it as she was for the anatomically-correct SAG dude. Well, what's to say? Nobody can make fun of Betty.

Oh, O42 has joined us in the comments, hooray! Who else is playing along?

As a New Yorker, I do have to remind you that the Subway Series is happening right now, so this is totally unfair in every way. Currently: Yankees 3, Mets 2.

8:59pm: Tyra introduces Miss J, and Tyra is wearing a one-shouldered onesie of some sort. B&B recently had its 7000th episode, so they're there to celebrate. Jacob Young, Karla Moseley, and Linsey Godfrey (on no crutches!) are there to be adorable. Godfrey gets a bit choked up. She's so cute.

9:01pm Outstanding Younger Actor goes to Freddie Smith, who plays Sonny on Days. Aww, I like him and all the people crying for him! 

9:04pm Outstanding Younger Actress goes to Hunter King for Y&R. Was she the one who sounded like she had laryngitis? 

Commenter Anne understands that Finola was robbed.

9:08pm: I confess I got distracted and I have no idea what these people are introducing. Oh! Outstanding "Informative" Talk Show goes to Steve Harvey. I wrote a play about a dating expert and I read Think Like A Man, so.... that is my context. I do not recommend his dating advice if you were born after 1900. If you were born before that, you are freaking awesome.

9:12pm: Outstanding Entertainment Talk Show Host goes to Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan, who are not there. I have just poured my first glass of wine. 

9:13pm: Fan Favorite for wedding disasters. Not going to lie, I voted for Franco's "hell no," but I foolishly had not yet seen Ridge fall out of a helicopter.

What do you guys think of this Queens of Drama show?

9:17pm: Okay, so the cast of that show is there. WHY IS CRYSTAL HUNT INVOLVED?? Can I get a "what the....???" from my OLTL people?

Anyway, Outstanding Directing Team goes to The Bold and the Beautiful. I mean, sure! If Ridge is getting pushed out of a helicopter, we care about your mise-en-scène.

I feel like I missed the Matt Lauer joke. Who caught why they're doing this?

9:21pm: Alan Thicke, for some reason, presents the writing award, which goes to The Bold and the Beautiful. Um. Okee doke? I know it's sort of my job to be meanest to the writers, but I'm a writer and sometimes it's....well, you get it. But still. B&B?

9:24pm: Outstanding Game Show goes to upstart Jeopardy! Who'd have guessed? I'm so proud of them. They really are the Little Game Show That Could.

I see commenter C is in the house! (Can we talk about Kyle and Fish now???) (Y'all know I remember your particulars if you're regulars here!)

Okay, seriously. How did I miss the Matt Lauer thing??

Oh, thanks, soapbaby! "Charity!"

9:28pm: Outstanding "Informative" Talk Show Host goes to the hosts of The Chew. Hrmph. Still bitter!

I am now thinking maybe I got out of the late-night dog walk since she pooped on the floor? (Alas, life does not work that way.)

9:32pm: Outstanding Culinary Program goes to Barefoot Contessa. My day job has a legal relationship with her. THAT IS ALL I KNOW.

9:33pm: 50th anniversary of Days! Hell yeah. Oh dear. I might be a little teary-eyed. Thank god they covered demon Marlena!!!

9:40pm: Joan Rivers tribute. I will be quiet now.

Crystal Hunt is still on my screen. Not okay. 

Yes, C, let's talk about Kim! Were you so sad when she got the Mindy Project boot?

Oh, the In Memoriam always makes me sad! Oh gosh, Matthew Cowles. My heart hurts for the spectacular Christine Baranski.

Is it nuts that they showed acting clips on literally only one category? Come on, y'all!

9:50pm: They are giving the fans a vacuum cleaner. What the eff year is this?

Are we feeling like this is not actually ending in 8 minutes?

9:53pm: Outstanding Talk Show "Entertainment" goes to Ellen because Ellen and so obviously she is not there. Did you guys see Amy Schumer on her show? Can we talk? And laugh?

Um, I think we're going to run long, y'all.

9:56pm: Uh-oh, some suit is there to convince us that daytime is in great shape. Outstanding Lead Actor. Anthony? Billy? Jason? Christian? Well, it's Anthony Geary.

I will let you guys comment.

10:02pm: Outstanding Lead Actress. Is it Laura? Peggy? Maura? Alison? Gina? Well, of course it's Maura. Multi-network love. She is so happy and I love it.

Seriously, we're spamming now?

Carvilati? I feel like people keep saying this.

10:09pm:  Pretty sure Tyra just said "Gene" Francis, so here we are.

Whoa! A tie! Days  won. For one.

Y&R won for the second!

10:13pm: That wasn't too far over! And y'all? I still love soaps. So flippin' much. Thanks for still playing with us!

(Daytime Grammys?)

Okay, I walked my dog. Thank you guys for hanging out, whether live or not!

As Much As I'll Miss The Formal Scarves...

Guys, there is no way for me to break this to you gently and trust me, I've spent the past few minutes seriously considering the best way to do it--"I really love the Essie ridge-filling base coat and speaking of ridges..."? "Funny that you brought Thorsten Kaye up--you didn't? Huh. I must have mishead you. But anyway, now that we're talking about him..." "You guys are always so bold and so beautiful. You know who else is bold and beautiful or will be soon, on The Bold and the Beautiful?"--because I was completely caught off guard when I saw the news with no warning. Like, I panicked at how weird it was. "Am I dreaming? Did I just fall asleep standing up and am now dreaming about my Facebook news feed? That's the lamest dream ever and also, what if I had hit my head on something while I slept-stood?" So I wanted to prevent that from happening to you but I can't, so I am just going to say it:

Thorsten Kaye is now playing the role of Ridge on The Bold and the Beautiful.

TV Guide Magazine: This is wild! How did the deal fall into place?
Kaye: When this came up with B&B I was very excited and didn't even care what the part was. I didn't know what kind of character Mr. Bell wanted me to do but he sounded so confident that he and I could work well together and do something interesting that I just bought into it. He's a great salesman! Then not more than 20 minutes before I got on the phone with you, I found out that I'm the new Ridge, who was a cornerstone of the show. [Laughs] So that's a whole other can of worms, isn't it? They needed someone to step up and I guess I'm the guy. I met Ronn a couple of times and he's a stunning man. And I got a face for radio! So I guess the viewers are in for a hell of a surprise! Maybe during his time away Ridge turned into an ugly European guy. [Laughs] You can't even say that he went and had plastic surgery — unless he went to Serbia for the procedure and now he wants his money back!

 

I know, right? Whaaaa? And WHAT?! And OMGWUT?! are the reactions that flew through the minds of you and everyone you know (or at least everyone you know who watches soap operas) (oh, and also "Ha!" because the above answer was just hilarious and wonderful). Let's hold hands and be confused together.

Celebrating GH: Our Favorite Characters

On April 1st, General Hospital will be celebrating its 50th Anniversary and we couldn't be more excited. For the returns of much-loved characters. For the copious amounts of flashbacks we hope/politely but firmly request the show air. For the Nurse's Ball. For the show being lightyears better than it was the last time it celebrated a milestone anniversary. We're all jazz hands and celebratory bottles of champagne at Serial Drama Headquarters!

(Okay, we don't actually have official headquarters, but if we did they would be fabulously decorated and also filled with celebratory bottles of champagne)

In honor of the big day, we're going to be taking a few trips down memory lane and indulging in some prime reminiscing and we'd love to hear from you, our wonderful readers! Let's start with our Favorite General Hospital Characters.

But! Before we officially start the reminiscing, a DISCLAIMER: these are only our opinions. We are sure many of you (possibly even most of you!) will disagree with our choices and will roll your eyes at our taste. That is fine! We welcome your commentary and additions. And this list is by no means exhaustive, either--we've probably excluded about a dozen of our own favorites, and forgotten about a dozen more.

LUCY COE: Bless her heart (and welcome back!). It's been a blast to watch this character's decades-long arc from mousy librarian to scheming femme fatale to wacky ne'er-do-well to Nurses Ball Emcee Extraordinaire to the big-hearted, nutty, self-absorbed but huge-hearted woman we have on our screens today.

And for every misdeed and every ridiculous bright red wedding dress in Lucy's soapy journey, she got a chance to show us her depth of feeling when learning of BJ's death or acting as a surrogate for Scotty and Dominique. 

ANNA DEVANE: Let's face it, this is a genre whose viewer demographic is overwhelmingly female. When you're working in that world, while lots of washboard abs and sexy bad boys are key, you can't go without a serious bad-ass chick or two. We present to you one Ms. Anna DeVane -- superspy, double agent, brave and honorable, and with hair that any 80s girl would covet.

Sure, her romances and her relationship with her daughter gave us great stories over the years, but she never needed to be anybody's mother or anybody's wife to drive story. She had lives to save, regimes to bring down, and national monuments to save from nuclear attack by the evil DVX. (And yes, has also served her time as a damsel in distress, but one who is quite capable of handling herself.) We can have our fun battles till we're blue in the face about who is truly the love of Anna's life, but one thing is for certain: she doesn't need any man. She kicks ass all on her own. (Yes, even in her weird two-year stint on All My Children.)

JAGGER CATES: Never before in the history of soaps has there been a character so multi-layered and fascinating as the young Jagger Cates when he... oh forget it. But seriously, you guys. What does it matter? Have you seen him?

What more must anyone say?

Lady of MY Heart? Tracy Angelica Quartermaine

Sometimes Tracy The Ball Buster gets on my nerves a little bit -- never because of Jane Elliot, who is a rock star champion of the world at all times and is beyond reproach -- just because she is occasionally overwritten. But when she's on, she's on.

And today she just slayed me when she suggested that perhaps Luke wants to be with Laura. It wasn't that she suggested it, and it wasn't that she called him out on acting as if Scott Baldwin is his own issue when it's really not about him at all. It's just the way she said the word "Laura." Because, see, it was like this:

And, see, that is just awesome. (And I say that with all due respect to Laura, who is also awesome. Just in a totally different non-Tracy-esque way.)

She even teased it again later!

(By the by, I'm oddly glad Luke's back on the sauce. I don't think Luke Spencer is a man who'd ever stay on the wagon for life.)

80% of Feeling Good is Looking Good

Okay, that title isn't really all that relevant, but when I turned on my TV before turning on the DVR for today's General Hospital, that was a direct quote from some sort of men's hair club commercial and I almost died laughing. 80%, you guys. Empirical fact! STUDIES HAVE SHOWN! And so I couldn't help but experience the entire episode in this context.

For instance, Trey doesn't look half bad. Sure, he's got some dark circles around his eyes, but he's a pretty boy. Brain dead? C'mon! When you look like that, chances are you feel good.

Carly has looked fabulous for two weeks of episodes. Seriously. Ridiculously fabulous. That hair! The sort of night-before smoky-eyes residue! That cute jacket! Plus she's a little less made up than usual, so her freckles are showing and I am a fan. And she always looks cute in jeans. So what's she feelin' so bad about? Please! Just because she just found out her ex-boyfriend killed some kids and blackmailed her current boyfriend, who it turns out swapped her friend's live baby out for a dead baby and is like the world's worst grandfather and was blackmailing her ex-boyfriend right back... I mean that's no reason to feel bad.

So 20% of her current state is not so great. She looks good, and that's 80%. Quit whinin'!

(And hey, shout out to this excellent sequence:

Sam: Sounds like you saw yourself in Todd. (laughs) You should've known that was a huge, huge mistake, Carly.

Carly: You know you can be a real bitch sometimes.

Sam: You know it takes one to know one.

Carly: You know, who knows, maybe I can use this for good? Maybe I can get women to line up their boyfriends in front of me, and if I'm attracted to them, they should run -- run -- for their lives.

Nice, ladies!)

Oh My Jason, I'm Totally Bugging

If you had told me a few years ago that Steve Burton would be leaving General Hospital and that we'd soon be seeing a Jason-free Port Charles, I'd...I'd probably be chagrined that my 2012 was still watching General Hospital. But after THAT, I'd say "No! You lie!" because the thought of Port Charles without its religious idol/mafia hitman is so bizarre that the very thought of it would have to be a joke.

Except that it is not: Steve Burton is leaving General Hospital and taking the amoral, non-blinking hired killer with him.

And I have nothing to say about it. Actually, I have plenty to say about it. I have been stockpiling things to say about this very event for EONS because such an event would have a prominent spot on my dream board, if I had a dream board, and now that it finally happened, it's like so many things are running through my head at once that I can only stammer and then throw my hands up (literally--I'm nothing if not dramatic and prone to wild gesticulations) but you can't see me do that, you can only see me abruptly end this post with a series of exclamation points. Me of a few years ago would be so disappointed at my complete and utter speechlessness!

!!!