Serial Drama

2017 Soaps Round-up(ish) and Round Table(ish)

I thought about trying to do some sort of year-end post since I've been a much more active viewer this year, but then I realized... not enough. I looked back through posts and I checked in on General Hospital in January and then again in May and I truly can't remember how much of The Bold and the Beautiful I watched because it's so repetitive that's it confusing to track time. And I believe I've been watching Days of Our Lives since late October. So I'm going to half-ass it, with just some random thoughts and the major disclaimer that this is by no means thorough. But let's take a look at a few bests and worsts.

 

WORST STORYLINE

GH: Did someone say "Ask Man Landers?" There's really no need to expand on that.

 

BEST STORYLINE

DAYS: Will's not dead. It involved so many people and Alison Sweeney, Deidre Hall, and Chandler Massey gave truly incredible performances. The best part was that it was told with compassion.

Honorable mention goes to GH for Jason's return, but points were deducted for the ridiculous preparation for it in which all the characters started announcing Jason just hadn't been the same since his new-faced return from the dead (in stark contrast to literally everything we saw over those years), and even more points deducted for playing it safe-and-boring by having Jason completely the same and unaffected by his five-year ordeal.

 

MOST UNDERUSED CHARACTERS/ACTORS

This one's surely a tie between two shows.

GH: Are you freaking kidding me with how little you use Dominic Zamprogna? There are literally dozens of ways Dante could be involved in every storyline, and they have one of their best actors just standing around delivering support and exposition.

B&B: Avants and Avant-adjacent people. Are Maya and Rick on this show anymore? They friggin' should be! And then they have actual legends playing Maya's parents and barely bother, because lord knows we need to see more of Steffy and Bill for some reason.

 

BEST COUPLE

B&B: Katie and Wyatt. Don't even act like it's scandalous, it's a smaller age difference than most of the couples on that show and they are hot as hell. Now let's just give them more screentime.

GH: Hayden and Finn. They knew they were writing her off and all of a sudden knew how to write a great couple. It's a shame they ended it, but pretty quickly we'll get to why we can live with it. Kevin and Laura are an honorable mention, but The Olds don't get much attention. Drew and Sam are another honorable mention, but they only seemed to heat them up in service of the oncoming triangle with the Holy Hitman.

 

WORST COUPLE

GH: Carly and Sonny. The full-on smug has returned and it's unbearable.

 

MOST DISAPPOINTING FALLOUT

GH: Nelle's scam. Months and months and months of the poor (very good) actress having to play virtually no context, and then it turned out she was just mad because her dad had also been Carly's adoptive dad and abandoned Carly? Huh? "What goes around comes around, bitch" should've been a line for the ages but it just sort of sputtered. We want "chickens coming home to roost" stories for Carly (and DEAR LORD FOR SONNY), but they never actually follow through. Even since then Nelle is a cipher. Here's hoping she and Ava actually become confidants so we know anything real.

B&B: Literally anything that happens with Bill. It's a friggin' joke.

Day's Dumbest Dialogue

It's been a while since there's been enough inspiration to do a post in this category! Thanks, B&B!

But seriously. I hope the intention behind this was that Ridge is a ridiculous human. Unfortunately, though, it certainly was presented as a big revelation of truthiness.  

Ridge (to Steffy): It goes back to my mom. Who she loved the most. That question was always around but never asked around the dinner table. It was always there. But my mom, she knew something that Dad and I did not. That I was her biological son, but not his. That colored everything. The way she treated us, the way we treated each other. And you know what, Stef? Looking back, I think my dad and I, we never had a chance. 

Sweet mercy, you guys. As if it isn't bad enough that this show keeps going back to the "who is Mommy and Daddy's favorite?" well ABOUT MIDDLE-AGED ADULTS, we are still being subjected (umpteen years after this reveal) to this idiotic notion that Ridge is somehow less of a Forrester BECAUSE ADOPTION. Seriously?

Not to mention the obvious issue that Ridge and Rick didn't even grow up together. Poor Thorne.

What century is this? Can we bring Hillary B. Smith back as Dr. Barton to get Ridge and Rick some serious therapy? It's not really that fun to watch a competitive business story when the two brothers in competition are both jackasses. Who does one root for? Hell, at this point I'd probably stand up and cheer if somehow Quinn ended up the CEO.

Monday's Biggest Laugh

Today I had no Fosters to watch, and I did take a stab at Days but I got distracted, and I know I get yelled at for not watching General Hospital if I'm in a soap mood, but news from that realm made me grumpy today. So B&B it was, despite no attention to the Maya storyline. So I won't say much, but I just couldn't let today's most hilarious dialogue go unaddressed.

Deacon (to Brooke Logan): You always were mysterious. Just... can't seem to get a read on you.

To Brooke. He said that to Brooke Logan.

Now listen, I enjoy Ms. Logan quite a bit. Even when she's being the absolute worst. In fact, I might enjoy her the most when she's being the absolute worst. But mysterious? No, ma'am. There are few humans on this Earth easier to read than Brooke Logan, bless her stallion-loving heart.

Even she didn't really seem to buy it. 

Poor Deacon. He just thinks he and Brooke have this intense connection (as soap characters always do), and he's just baffled as to what's keeping them apart. So how is our ever-mysterious lady going to handle this? Is she going to take control of her life and find a way to be independent and live a life that doesn't revolve around a man?

Nah, y'all. C'mon. She's going to tell Deacon the only thing that's keeping them from being together is that he's engaged to Quinn.

This is absurd! A silly old engagement is keeping them apart? THAT'S NOTHING!

The Not So Secret Keeper

Look, I get it--Derek Wells is dreamy. And you probably thought to yourself "Oh, gosh, I always forget how freaking handsome he is. What can I do to extend this conversation?! I need to keep getting lost in his eyes!" but for the love of, Alexis, your daughter is a private investigator. Private is, explicitly, part of her job title! So I'm not sure why you decided to prattle on, at hyperspeed, about her paternity, her investigative work and, oh yeah, her theory about the long-hidden secrets of a powerful crime family, but you did. And then, to add insult to injury, you didn't even find it remotely suspicious that the normally suave Derek kept laughing nervously and asked about six dozen probing questions. Not only were you not suspicious, but you blithely answered all of those questions and didn't even ask why he was all high pitched and sweaty all of a sudden!

Derek, trying to appear calm and collected: Speaking as a publisher...are you sure about your facts?
Alexis: We had a DNA test?
Derek: HOW?! I mean, uh...[awkward laughter] I can't imagine that would have been easy, getting a DNA sample from a dead mobster.
Alexis: We didn't need it from him. We got it from another family member.
Derek: What family member?

DEREK: Family member? Julian has a family member? What? Huh? I ask because I'm a journalist.
CARLOS: I'm coming in to interrupt this conversation purely for contrivance's sake.
ALEXIS: I should get going anyway.
DEREK: Going? Going where? To spend time with your family? Speaking of family...you were saying something about Julian's family?
CARLOS: Is this a bad time to make a bizarrely timed pronouncement over my heartbreak that Sabrina is getting married to Patrick? I mean, if we're all sharing and whatnot. It is? Okay. Never mind.

The Tired and the Overplayed

I'm throwing out my white flag here, B&B. I give up, I give in. 

First of all, I wasn't quite sure I got all the words right, but something very close to this line of dialogue was actually spoken today:

Steffy: Hope's a station wagon. I'm a 1200cc twin-pipe crotch-rocket ready to burn rubber on that heart o' yours. How can you say no to that?

Oh my sweet mercy! How can you say no to that? Easily! It's terrifying! Who says that?!

I just cannot with this show anymore. I mean of course Steffy's not signing the annulment papers, it wouldn't be soapy if she did. It's just that they keep teasing other storylines, pretending like this shit is over or at least no longer the main event. But it is. And I've given up all hope that we'll ever see the end of it. Now all the soap buzz is that Hope/Liam/Steffy is going to be the hot triangle of the next generation ala Taylor/Ridge/Brooke because last week got good ratings. What? Didn't we all tune in last week to watch this effing triangle end?! And while Taylor/Ridge/Brooke was played out for a decade too long, it worked back in the day because both pairings had some real heat. Maybe I'm in the minority, but I can't find any appeal in either of these pairings. Not even a little bit. Liam changes his mind every five seconds and makes lifetime commitments on the turn of a dime, and both women think he shouldn't do that....except that Hope thinks it's okay to do if she benefits, and Steffy thinks it's okay to do if she benefits. And their freaking families are pathetically over-invested and I just want everyone involved to shut up about it, like, forever. This storyline has headlined the show non-stop since August and it's time to let it go. I'm never going to like every story going on a soap, but we stick with soaps anyway because they have more than one story! And I don't mean once a week. I mean every single solitary episode. It's time to hit the reset button. With all due respect to Scott Clifton who is a terrific actor, there's nothing about this that I want to watch. I can't be the only one.

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

All My Children is laying it on pretty thick, no? And, of course, by "it" I mean "Remember that time that Ryan was awesome? Are...are you sure you don't remember? Because it happened. He totally was. He was awesome and good and righteous and he gives blood and he helps elderly ladies cross the street and he never abuses the 10 Items or Less line in the grocery store and he saves lives. Lives of puppies and kittens and babies. It happened. Here, let me tell you again about the kind of man he is. Spoiler alert: he's the good kind".

Ryan: You know what my daughter said? She said now that Zach is gone, it's just me that's left to take care of the bad guys. And since you're definitely a bad guy, you and me are going to spend a lot of time together if you ever pull out of this.  

Right now, I am picturing Ryan photoshopping his head onto Superman's body and laughing about it. The laughter soon turns to tears when I realize that it's highly likely Brian Frons is passing time the exact same way...

Hyperbole and Other Llanview-esque Mistakes

"Girls like that don't stay single for long."  In case you missed it, this line was uttered by Ford about Starr.  I'm not joking.  Check your DVR, check it out online, check the script.  To be clear, teenage girls with small children, famous rapist ex-con fathers who are prone to violence against the men in their daughters' lives, and babydaddies imprisoned for murder.  Girls like that.  Don't stay single for long.  I mean, you better make your move fast because she is a catch.

And!  The word "amniocentesis" has 300 letters in it when typed by Ford.

Oh, good news!  You can totally walk into whatever private hospital room you want to and just hang out, in case you were wondering.  Luckily Brody knew that so he could "be there" for Natalie.

Okay, I'm being unfair.  Friday's One Life to Live was actually a pretty classic soapy episode.  Two simultaneous paternity tests (one potential father being a possibility for both) by two twins, a cliffhanger ending with the appearance of an abusive father, a major character turning himself into the police for murder, a gone-crazy psychiatrist getting some inside information on someone she's vowed revenge upon, and a big already-grown-up paternity reveal.  And as much bad press as she gets for hamming it up, the big red bow for me was Kim Zimmer proving why she is royalty in this game by delivering a pure old-school soap opera performance.

This May Be Even More Embarrassing Than Having Starred on Passions

Oh, Days of Our Lives.  Why would you revisit the dark days of mid-2008? 

Whiny, Grumpy Arianna:  I'm sorry, I have cramps, alright?  And I'm tired.  I'm tired.
Gabi:  Hey, what are you doing back there?
Ari:  Lookin' for this.

Gabi:  Midol.
Ari:  Yeah.  I gotta tell you, running between work and the hospital, I don't have time to go to the drugstore, so what do I do?  Keep a box of this, right here for emergencies.  It relieves the cramps, ::lowers voice, as if the discussion up until now has been fit for consumption by the pub's patrons:: relieves the bloating, and I'll be back to normal before we know it.
Gabi:  I can't wait.  I would like my sister back!

Stereotypes about women on their periods AND a mid-soap clunky infomercial?  But my birthday's more than a week away!

While I am bitching, the headline of the Spectator Stefano held yesterday, about the "Reunited DiMera's," made me twitchy.  Ratings are up -- they can't afford a proofreader?  To anyone out there who still thinks an apostrophe ever makes anything plural:  Why do you hate America?

That said, this show has otherwise been quite good lately.  I find almost nothing worth mocking, and blogging just to say how much I like something goes against most everything I believe in, so I've been quiet.  To any Days watchers left in our readership:  What do you think of the Salem goings-on of late?

Screencap courtesy of Sheryl's Days of Our Lives Screencaps.

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue (aka My Dog Is Smarter Than This Show)

Now, granted, my dog is exceptionally gifted, but I do think it's a problem if even a very bright Labrador is routinely sharper than your [inexplicably] critically acclaimed, "Best Writing in Daytime and No That Wasn't a Vote Tabulation Error, We Double-Checked Because SERIOUSLY," daytime drama.  

I had to watch about two weeks' worth of GH episodes while doing chores today.  [Insert obvious joke about the real chore being watching this show.]  So I thought perhaps I had misheard when, in the midst of sorting through paystubs from 2003 (oh, filing system, you are so cute sitting empty in my drawer), I heard Claudia say something so stupid that surely I must have mis-heard.  So I rewound, but nope, she actually did say:

Claudia to Sonny:  Maybe you could take me somewhere.  Show me off a little bit.  We are in Puerto Rico – the city of excitement and fun, lights.

Ah yes, Puerto Rico, City of Lights.  I think I heard that on travel commercial once!  It's like how France is the City of Caribbean Sea Views and Chicago is the Windy Country.

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

I should know better than to expect the writing on General Hospital to be anything other than loosely connected, poorly conceived plot points, but sometimes I still find myself shocked by just how asinine this show can be.

Let me get this straight: Jerry claims to care for his brother more than anything in the world. Jerry has a secret that could potentially ruin his brother's (who he cares for more than anything in the world)life and marriage. Jerry, in order to spare his brother (who he cares for more than anything in the world) pain and disaster...shares the very secret that could ruin his life?

Jerry:Carly was always ambivalent at best about me. In all fairness, I put her through hell at the Metro Court. If she should find out that I was partly to blame for Michael getting shot, it might alter her feelings towards you. After all, motherly love isn't entirely rational. So, hear me, Jax. What happened to Michael isn't your fault. It's Claudia Zacchara's. It's mine. And most of all, that idiot Ian Devlin, who is very lucky to be dead at this point. You're the one person in the world that I most care about, Jax. Now that you know the truth, maybe you can find a way to avert disaster.

That is the very definition of illogical. It is also the very definition of "shlock".

I will give the writers this, though: Jerry is probably the most consistently written character on canvas. He joined the show in a ludicrous storyand he left the show in a ludicrous story (leaving aside the dumbness of burdening Jax with this secret...how did he have the time to film these DVDs and hide them all over Sonny's?). That kind of character continuity is pretty much unheard of these days!