Serial Drama

General Hospital: Necessary Words

This won't be a terribly long post, but I'm feeling guilty because I've been a slacker here lately! I've been pretty drained and, let's face it, when you're worn out it takes a lot less work to just tweet while you're watching episodes than put together a whole blog post. Nonetheless, let's check in over in Port Charles, New York, with a bunch of random disorganized thoughts!

First of all, happy 40th anniversary at General Hospital to Jackie Zeman! Here's a great interview. Some great dirt in there on the old days!

Second of all, you have to be kidding me, Sonny. OG Jason's been back for a couple of weeks after five years of captivity and LORD KNOWS WHAT and hasn't even reunited with his family, and Sonny's sending him down to Puerto Rico on mob business already? Like I've been saying, why does more than one person want to be Jason? It's a terrible gig! His boss is an asshole!

Also! Kim (Tamara Braun's character) is an OB-GYN! Not only did we get a new doctor, we have another OB-GYN! Kind of the most important doctor gig on this show! That's a breath of fresh air. I'm always, always delighted to have more characters that will bring us hospital stories. And sure, sure, we technically have a pretty good spread of hospital characters right now but two of them are The Gays and god forbid we put them on screen, people who tear their hair out on whether which woman gets to date a brain-damaged hitman or a rapist/serial killer will clutch their pearls! But I digress, as usual.

I'm really liking Kim as a character and as a mother. I also happen to be one of those people who thought Tamara Braun's Carly and Sonny had more chemistry than the current lineup (who are great scene partners, co-parents, friends/frenemies with deep history, and all the other incarnations of Sonny/Carly they've played, but I just don't see the heat). (In terms of chemistry with Maurice Benard, I'd rank the Carlys: Carly #1, Carly #2, Carly #4, Carly #3.) So it's fun to see her back in the mix!

Have I mentioned how much I love Curtis and how much I love him standing by Miller-Jason? Sure, he didn't know the other one, but I still like it, dammit! I am very predisposed to love Curtis because he is dynamic and charming and generally one of the most interesting people on the show. 

Did I mention easy on the eyes?

General Hospital: The Song Remains the Same

RECAP!

After all these years, I didn't really realize Pozzulo's was a restaurant that's literally "never open." Sonny is really bad at fronts. (And I don't think it's entirely consistent because I just had a weird flashback to the original Lisa Niles getting chem-tested with Sonny in there.)

Anyway! Carly is toasting to schadenfreude, or her son's broken heart, whichever you want to call it. 

Ava is showing Kiki the "formula" for the surgery that will "heal" her two-square-inch-mild-discoloration. I don't hate Ava's new strawberry-blonde, but with the electric-blue top she's wearing it's not working.

Makes her skin look super pink. (I think Maura West is one of the world's most perfect humans, though.)

David (I finally learned that his name isn't Dr. Max Holden!) talks to Griffin about real estate investments, which... is riveting!

Apparently Monica and Alexis are in some sort of combined NA/AA meeting together? (It's not new for this show to conflate addictions, but seriously Port Charles has more than enough addicts that they don't have to combine all twelve-steppers.) Anyway, Monica's a little freaked out because a Jason-faced-person burst through a skylight! 

Jason goes to the Quartermaine mausoleum as OG Jason goes to Sam. OG Jason hears Scout crying on the baby monitor and does not say, "What do you mean you named your daughter Scout? Is she actually your cat?"

David flirts with Alexis, but she doesn't give a shit because she prefers murderers. He will lose this, because we're not new to a perfectly decent, good-looking man showing up in town. If any of our gals do end up interested in him, he'll turn out to be a serial killer (the kind that's worse than all our male "heroes"), but will otherwise just be recurring. (We miss you, Patrick!) 

Kiki is concerned about these surgery notes and how there's no approval or oversight, which really upsets Ava and her "could cover it up with one stroke of a $2 Wet-n-Wild stick" scar-splotch. Ava thinks Kiki wants her to stay "like this," where "this" is a tiny little off-white splotch.  

OG Jason is moved that Scout is named after Emily (and speaking of Emily, Amber Tamblyn has become such a delightful shit-stirrer in recent weeks during this excellent "take out the Hollywood trash" streak, and we... won't talk about any other Emilys). 

Jason runs into Monica at the mausoleum. 

Jordan wants to know why Sonny bailed out Dr. Klein and if he got any good information. "You show me yours, I'll show you mine," our hero says, while Carly gives the bitchiest impressed-face I've ever seen.

Sweet jesus I loathe this version of her. 

Kiki tries to give Ava a pep talk. Kiki leaves and Alexis shows up to talk about that man who abused and assaulted her (I'm sorry, my position on this is probably as unpopular as my Liz/Franco position, but it's unlikely to change).

General Hospital: The Love That Often Speaks Its Name

First of all, sorry to tease with a flurry of consistent posts and then a couple straight weeks of radio silence. I was traveling and then consumed with baseball and then a little under the weather.

But no matter! Because here we are.

Welp.

We knew this weepy lovefest reunion was going to happen, and man, the actors did not hold back. I'd make a joke about their whole One True Love dynamic, but lord knows if they actually loved each other "like that" they would get zero screentime (case in point: besides the previously-complained about off-stage adoption proceedings of Lucas and Brad, today we were reminded that Parker and Kristina went on one whole date and then U-hauled right off the show together, lest anyone think that more LGBTQ folks behind the scenes changes anything about what happens onscreen).

Where was I?

Oh! Right. The beautiful reunion, which involved a whole lot of "The following people have come back to life since you 'died,' would you like a drink?" and a little "Okay so then who is this guy we already cried tears of joy to have back in our lives?" but very, very little urgency. 

And this made me feel sad.

MONICA: All I've ever wanted is for you to be happy, Jason. I'm just sorry it took me so long to learn to not control you! [Yes, what a jerk she was not wanting her child to be a hit man. So controlling!  --Ed.] I guess I just wanted that little boy that I remember raising. But in the last few years, you've let me back into your life and I really treasure that and I'm never, ever going to let you go again. 

JAKESON: Oh good, because I wouldn't let you if you tried!

BIG GIANT SAD FACE. I'm not crazy about everything they've done with (Billy Miller's) Jason's Return, but one of the absolute best things about it is his renewed relationship with Monica, and I will be sad to see that ruined if the inevitable occurs.

General Hospital: BRING BACK THE BROWNSTONE!

I was going to write a straight recap of today's General Hospital but then they threw some Ask Man Landers shitshow at me in the cold open, so I can't be asked. But there are some important things to touch on.

In this episode, we had a new "couple" (I guess Kristina and Parker are already official from the way they were talking today, which was fast) making out in a diner. We had randos just knocking on an apartment door in an building that should really have some security. We had characters in contrived situations so they could run into each other for the sole purpose of almost-but-not advancing plot.

What I'm saying is, we need a new set that more easily allows for such things. A building with a central location that is semi-private, where kissing isn't peculiar but a meal or a conversation might be shared in passing with neighbors. A building where people who are deeply connected live alongside people they may not know or choose to see deliberately. Which brings me to the titular plea: BRING BACK THE BROWNSTONE!

A lot of people could squeeze into that common room, you know. Very handy. It was also an appropriate place to overhear conversations. 

Anything could happen there. Babies could be born. (Oh, Tania. You know I loved you.) Murders could be attempted and later solved. Proposals could be made and showdowns could become legendary. Weddings could be celebrated. 

Who of the lower-to-middle class characters didn't live in the brownstone at one point or another?

And really, I know they sometimes try to shoehorn all of that into the MetroCourt by somehow constantly having people strike gold somehow and just live there permanently, but it stretches credulity and doesn't have that same hearth-and-home warmth we loved so much back then.

And it's a safe place. A safe place where huge mistakes can be made, like this haircut on Felicia:

And basically every time you need a big sweeps story, set a fire! Bring in a stalker or a hostage taker! 

Give Bobbie her building back. Let everyone battle about who gets to move in. Let's see first kisses and unexpected run-ins and unlikely scene-sharers on the regular. 

General Hospital: Home Again?

Does anyone else find Sam and Jason's bedroom kind of hilarious? I mean, he's Mr. No-Frills Black T-Shirt and she's Ms. Badass Low-Maintenance (okay, sure, she wears 17-inch stilettos in the most casual of circumstances and a ton of makeup but, in fairness, all of that is the bare minimum on soaps). Like what even is this headboard?

That said, it's nice to see a bedroom set at all. I thought this was a soap! We should be in bedrooms constantly!

I have terrible hair jealousy when I watch Crimson scenes.

That's... the majority of what I experience watching Crimson scenes. (I've said before that I'm still open to Nelle as a character, though I realize I'm in a minority on that one. I think the actress is dyn-o-mite, but I just wish they'd clarify who this person is any second now so that we -- and she -- have more to work with. We already did the "she's a mystery, we're not sure what her deal is" storyline. This time they could try changing it up by TELLING US one way or the other, for crap's sake. So that we know something Carly and company do not. Because that's fun. Remember fun?)

You know what? I was trying to get excited about this Tale of Two Jasons story. It's not as if something similar, as unlikely as it seemed, hasn't been pulled off spectacularly in the past. And there are certainly some actors involved here who could more than pull off something pretty great. Despite my well-documented history of hating Jason Morgan, hope springs eternal.

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut.

Just... this facial expression. We're in for it. Over and over and over again. 

The Bold & the Beautiful: Biker Chick's In-Law Seduction Techniques

Haven't recapped The Bold & the Beautiful in a while, and given the rather massive casting news we got recently about a certain former General Hospital Aussie joining the cast in what I'm assuming will actually be a pivotal role again (let's face it, Thorne hasn't had a storyline in eons, he was literally only there for like two episodes when his daughter went insane and was killed in self-defense by his niece) it feels like the right time. Especially since it might draw some new viewers! And if you're new, great news: it's not hard to catch up. Everyone has been married to or romantically involved with everyone else (of the opposite gender, that is, no Gays of Our Lives on this one except for Caroline's offscreen moms) on this show and no couples last more than a few months at a time. Now you're caught up! Also, Bill is evil and there's no reason anyone still endures his existence.

Anyway, shall we? 

Steffy and Bill flirt with each other. He calls her "Motorcycle Mama" and my eyes hurt from rolling, and this ain't subtle. Bill is so drawn to Badass Steffy! She's such a Cool Girl! She rides a "hog" and drinks beer!

Liam continues to explain to Wyatt why their father is a terrible man. Wyatt inexplicably looks skeptical because... why? I guess because he likes the money Bill gave him?

Brooke thanks Ridge for welcoming her back home.

Ridge: It's one of my favorite hobbies, moving you back home after a marital mishap.

Okay, writers, that one was actually pretty damn funny on purpose. Anyway, Brooke tells him she needs time to make the right decision, and he tells her he'll support any decision which brings her home. (Which means he'll only support just the one decision, not "any," but semantics, right?) She tells him she wants to cut her hours at FC back to part-time, but he thinks she should throw herself into her work since she'll always be a Forrester. "You are Forrest Creations," he tells her.

Bill and Steffy are sharing a beer while Steffy rubs her father-in-law's upper thigh to "comfort" him.

She tells him "Motorcycle Mama" isn't a great name for her since she and Liam have been trying but failing to get pregnant. They touch each other an awful lot while she pretends to think Brooke might come back to him and they can be grandparents together. He's not so sure.

STEFFY: I can guarantee a woman's going to come into your life that's gonna make you forget that Brooke Logan ever existed. 

Again, real subtle. (Hey Bill, remember how obsessed with "loyalty" you are? Any thoughts on what a crap disloyal wife Steffy currently is? No? Okee dokes.)

Liam wants Wyatt to help him run Spencer Publications the "right" way, but Wyatt thinks they don't have enough experience. He's also concerned that Bill's vengeance would take them down.

WYATT: What Dad did was wrong, but at least he regrets it!

Oh Wyatt, you dummy. You may currently have great taste in women, but otherwise? Ouch. Bill doesn't regret a damn thing, he only regrets that Liam used it to oust him and that his wife walked out on him for it. He's still rationalizing it, and also maintains that the lie about Caroline's "terminal illness" was the right thing to do.

General Hospital: Burning Questions and Non-Sequiturs

• So, this "Drew" allegedly died at three. I'm admittedly terrible at estimating kids' ages, but the blonde boy in this photo is three or younger???

Seriously?

• Does... anyone on this show understand that twins are two separate human beings? Why does everyone keep saying "there's two Jasons!" THAT'S NOT HOW TWINS WORK.

• Are they actually letting Liz be part of a storyline that doesn't involve her dating a serial killer or having kids or standing by a hospital bed with a clipboard?

A red letter day!

• So according to Scott, the history of the Quartermaines having their babies stolen from them and being upset about it makes the Quartermaines.... "sort of grabby when it comes to family?" 

For real? "Gah, your kid was just kidnapped from you, why so grabby?"

Elsewhere....

MAXIE: Pleeeeease be in the mood, I need to feel like I have some sort of purpose for my life.

Well, isn't that one of the more pathetic lines we've heard in a while. You see, the reason she's trying to find purpose through sex is that Maxie has submitted her resume to "a dozen places" and hasn't gotten a job yet. The heart bleeds. A dozen? Bleeds, I tell you.

NATHAN: Life as we know it is going to end tomorrow.

What in the world is he -- oh. That's the day the Ask Man Landers book gets released. Kill me now, I'm skipping this. Just as a brief aside, I was watching today's Home & Family (I know, I know, but one of my lifelong besties was on it getting a makeover!) and Ryan Paevey was one of the guests and he referred to his character's wife's name as "Maxie Storms." Oh, Ryan. You seem... nice. (He actually did tell a really sweet story about a meter maid wanting a photo of him, and he made a deal that if she tore up the parking ticket she was writing for someone else he'd give her the photo. And it worked! If you parked near a Chipotle in 2013 in the greater Los Angeles area and your meter ran out but you didn't get a ticket, you may have Ryan Paevey to thank.)

General Hospital: Not the Nostalgia I Was Looking For

Oh, dear. Oh, no no no. We're all just going to have to really quickly check in about Kristina's hair color. 

To wit:

Now, where have we seen this before? In case we need a reminder, here's a quick trip down memory lane of the War On General Hospital Brunettes:

The bumpit doesn't help the streaks, Liz.

Whose idea was this?

Oh Sam, no. No.

Okay, this had nothing to do with GH, but they still shouldn't have done it!

I don't know who's out there promising olive-complexioned white women with gorgeous dark brown hair that blonde is becoming to them, but I'd mistakenly thought whoever it was had ceased fire years ago! Alas, Kristina has fallen victim.

She's not the only one in that family.

Kristina has also fallen victim to unfortunate soap-speak. Parker was referring to the last time she was in town when they.... when they... and before coming up with whatever phrase she was searching for, Kristina jumped in with "Made love?"

Made love.

SAME, Parker. Same.

Do real people even still say that? I wouldn't know, I don't know any real people, but I know the talkie people in the glowing box on my console table very well, and they say "make love" way too much. 

At any rate, every part of me wants to root for these two. I'm thrilled that they finally gave a GH lady an orientation other than straight (I don't actually know what it is, mind you -- today she mentioned being "out and proud" but as what? Gay? Bi? Pan? Fluid? It's okay not to make it official, I just feel like we've skipped over her entire journey), and I like both actresses quite a bit. There are sixteen years between them but that's barely a drop in the bucket on television, but this face! This little baby face!

She's just so wee! I know I'm just going to get over this and get on board because, let's face it, it's exciting to have a love story on this show in which neither character is a murderer! Of course, today they kissed at Kelly's (great place for making out) and then Parker bailed on Kristina yet again.

General Hospital: Meet the Mama

I know, I know, it's a ghost town around here. It's not that I haven't been watching, it's that (frankly) I've needed soaps as pure escapism and actually having to type paragraphs and create screencaps doesn't really allow me to just be a lump on the couch (or bed, let's face it) for 42 minutes. But real life is calming down a bit, so once more into the breach! Okay, I'm just dipping my toe in to see how it goes, so no promises. But in the meantime, I recap!

Sam is on the docks in a dream, reaching out to Jason (with his back turned) but he won't answer her. She wakes up by his comatose bedside. Not for nothing, but all the caterwauling over Jason getting shot is cracking me up since not one person has mentioned that they've been through this a thousand times -- not only this but worse, as he's already been presumed dead twice. Once for so long that they had a service and everyone quite moved on with their lives. But now that we're practically back to Guza levels of Sonny/Jason deification/martyring (really, it's as bad as ever, the only distinction being that there are some other storylines), we've got to have everyone falling apart, having no idea what they'll do without him (despite knowing precisely what they'll do).

Finn is looking at a phone photo of Hayden and himself (why ruin them right after making them so cute, Afternoon Television Program??). Sonny comes up and Finn offers his help if Jason needs anything because Sonny was there for Finn when no one else was, which is apparently an episode I do not recall or missed entirely.

Nina gets squirrely about going to some sort of Crimson event since Franco is hosting, so she didn't mention it to Valentin till the last second. I don't really understand what the event is since it seems like an art show for Franco, but what does that have to do with Crimson?

What is this monstrosity behind him. Send help.

Amy is reading the Man Landers galley proof and Spinelli walks up.  Nope. Just kidding. I'm recusing myself from recapping the Man Fucking Landers storyline. Sorry.

Monica accurately points out to Sonny for the eight millionth time that Sonny is the reason Jason's in a coma.

Jordan and Curtis canoodle a bit on the docks during their nighttime run, which seems like a terrible time to canoodle. They're worried about Judgey McJudgerson Aunt Stella disapproving of them, which is getting old. Move on, Stella. 

Maxie wants to pitch her one-night stand with Franco to Crimson, much to Nathan's chagrin. Not mine, though! I'm delighted that they're actually bringing up that event, and the fact that Franco was a serial killer! Delighted, I tell you! 

Ah, okay, the art opening isn't a Crimson event, it's just an event that the magazine is covering.

Apparently Kiki spent "all afternoon" hanging Franco's art show, which is weird since I thought she was just finishing up EMILY QUARTERMAINE MEMORIAL LIGHTNING SPEED MAGICAL MEDICAL SCHOOL! You mean she's not a doctor yet? What's taking so long?

Anna continues to pressure Finn to help her with this Cassandra jewel thief situation for the WSB.

Spinelli gets sad over Jason's headless coma body. I'm always happy that Spinelli and Ellie are together offscreen.

MONICA (to Sonny): If Jason dies that means you have the blood of both my sons on your hands!

(I mean, this is true, but it was already true a few years ago? But seriously, the fact that Sonny gets to breathe the same effing air as Monica after murdering her son in cold blood really makes my skin crawl.)

General Hospital: It's a Mystery

The titular mystery here being, really, why I've been watching this show lately with more regularity. There's not a storyline I'm dying to see develop, so I can only conclude that it's due to the Summer TV Wasteland. Or maybe it's just my current shambles of a personal life, during which times I've often noticed there's a certain comfort in the soaps. Like an old bathrobe that doesn't really keep you warm anymore but it still fits and makes you feel like you and you're just glad it's still there even though you don't wear it very often. (Y'all, I even watched and enjoyed The Bold & the Beautiful on Friday! B&B had multiple storylines all in the same episode, it's some sort of June miracle!) (If you have even the remotest interest in B&B and skipped that one, go watch! Now! I'm serious!)

On that note, why don't I just do a straight recap while I sip this here delicious black coffee?

Curtis confesses to his aunt that he and Jordan are seeing each other. Jordan exasperatedly leans against the doorframe in this tight dress that makes me seriously envy her abs.

Finn is apparently playing backgammon with himself. That's... curious indeed. How does that work? Anyway, Greenlee shows up and is still covered in coffee from her incident babysitting Spencer and Cameron (two kids begging for a SORAS if I've ever seen any). I legitimately am blanking on the character's name right now, I'm not even trying to be cute by calling her "Greenlee." Look, it's 7 in the morning on a Sunday. I've already walked the dog and cleaned the kitchen and need to squeeze this in before catching up on the O-Blacks (yes, I have a portmanteau for the fact that Orphan Black and Orange is the New Black both returned in the very same weekend), so Greenlee won't be the only brain fart I have, I assure you.

Julian, whose hair is mildly better than whatever Monchichi situation was going on earlier in the week, is at the cop shop berating Scott for not returning his calls.

"I'm not your little phone buddy," snorts Scott. Then whose phone buddy are you, Scotty? Answer me that!

Dante is questioning Lucy regarding the whole Ava situation. I love Dante, but having him be pissy at Lucy when he's let his father get away with countless crimes kicks in my old school Lucy Coe loyalty big-time.

Aunt Stella is way overwritten, and continues on that way, referring to Jordan as having marched "in here like the Queen of Sheba." This is goofy, and also depressing that they had to bring in a temp to give Curtis and Jordan a storyline. Stella's not a regular character on this show so this really has no stakes.

Finn comforts Greenlee about her parenting fears.