Serial Drama

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

Our thoughts on General Hospital and The Bold & the Beautiful were featured in the latest issue of Soap Opera Digest, currently on newsstands.

My Take
by Mallory Harlen

Yes, it’s true that the season of eating, drinking and merry-being is winding down and the weather isn’t getting any warmer, but the upcoming weeks have their own special charm. Think about what the next month affords us: a new year, a fresh start and the opportunity to dream big. Anything can happen—even in Port Charles! And in case the writing staff needed a few prompts to get their creativity flowing, I’ve come prepared. You’re welcome, GENERAL HOSPITAL. It’s the least I could do.

Has anything brought the GH audience more soapy glee than the assorted adventures of the Scorpio family? The return of Robin has been quite nearly perfect: her search for a polonium poisoning cure (I love when they show her being smart), her bonding with Nikolas and getting the Cliff’s Notes version of what’s gone on in Port Charles since she “died”) (I love that the show remembered that they were friends), her reunion with her parents (do I even need to specify that I loved it? Robin’s “Daddy” to Robert and Finola Hughes’s wordless reaction shot to glimpsing her were both so amazing that I still get goosebumps thinking about it. And I think about it often, as I plan my own campaign for a Daytime Emmy nod for Hughes. The way she played Obrecht playing Anna was so genius that an Emmy might not even be enough recognition). It has all been so great and so old school soapy that I hope the show makes the Scorpios a centerpiece of the show in the coming year. And not just Robin; don’t get me wrong, I am so looking forward to her return upending Patrick and Sabrina’s great romance (those two words were supposed to be dripping with sarcasm. I don’t get “love” from Patrick as much as I do “You’re kind of okay. I don’t dislike spending time with you”) and perhaps spurring Sabrina into having an actual personality outside of being a shiny happy babysitter. But I want meaningful and frontburner stories for Anna, too.  Surely that’s not too much to ask?

My hopes for the Franco…issue (that was diplomatic, right? “Issue”?) are more of a pipe dream. Look, I get that behind-the-scenes tussling necessitated a recast for Roger Howarth and I also get that Howarth works astonishingly well with Laura Wright and that his new character would need to be paired up with Carly so as not to waste their chemistry. But it still perplexes me that Franco was what the writers landed on, especially since they could have brought Howarth back as any character in the world (ANY ONE! A recast Steve Webber. Tom Hardy, the fictional doctor. Tom Hardy, a fictionalized version of the British actor) who didn’t have a sordid history filled with crimes against the people Carly loves most. I can’t watch their scenes together without wondering how Carly, who holds a grudge more seriously than anybody, could stomach even being in the same room as the person who so badly hurt Jason and Michael, no matter how brilliant an artist he is or how sad he is about his parentage (and honestly, would it kill the show to give Scott a child who’s not a psychopath? You could make this up to him by bringing Serena into town, writer. I’m just saying). So please, for the sake of your audience—keep them apart. Or else 2014 is going to be a long, gross year for us all. 

 

My Take, Too
by Louise Schwarz

Confession time: I haven’t watched a soap since August. Throughout the summer, I’d only been keeping an eye on OLTL until that flew sadly out of our lives once again. By that point it had been over three months since I’d seen any other shows and I was a little too emotionally exhausted to jump back in and figure out what I’d missed. Now I’ve done a bit of an experiment and recently watched two episodes each of GENERAL HOSPITAL and THE BOLD & THE BEAUTIFUL just to see what they were looking like these days (and to see if I even recognized half the characters!).

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column & A Blogger's (Temporary?) Goodbye

Our thoughts on General Hospital and One Life to Live were featured in the September 30th issue of Soap Opera Digest.

My Take
by Louise Schwarz

As of this moment, we still have no idea when (and if?) ONE LIFE TO LIVE will be returning to our computer screens. While I dab the corners of my eyes with tissues about that uneasy status, it seems like the perfect time to pick out a few superlatives for The Season That Was!

Let’s go back to the very beginning, when the return of Victor Lord, Jr. was The Most Anti-Climactic Back From The Dead Story In History. While the reveal of Victor tied to a bed by Alison Perkins was a fantastic last moment for the original run of OLTL, his return to town barely even raised an eyebrow. A couple of characters half-gasped, while some others just mildly annoyed by his undead status. Dani was the only one who had a big reaction, but even she accepted it and moved on quickly. While it’s perfectly understandable that to the citizens of Llanview, a once-dead man just sauntering into the room isn’t actually that rare, it really undermines the dramatic stakes when everyone essentially shrugs it off. And nobody ever even pressed the issue! “I’m alive because REASONS and I can’t tell you,” was pretty much the end of that. Really?

The revival’s Best New Character (And Actor) was definitely Jeffrey King, played with charisma and depth by the excellent Corbin Bleu. Admittedly I was on the fence when they announced his casting because I’d been so nervous the show would be far too youth-centered for my aging tastes, but this was no empty-headed pretty boy. Jeffrey had many terrific scenes absolutely holding his own with none other than Queen Victoria and, of course, was eventually revealed to have some nefarious purposes of his own.

The Pairing I’d Most Like To Scrub From My Memory was, of course, Jack and his teacher. I’m sure his teacher had a name, but as she had no discerning personality it seemed a waste of brain space to learn it. Here was an adult woman so taken by Jack Manning on sight that without a word, she scooped him up and had sex with him only to learn she’s his professor. But did that stop her from continuing that extremely inappropriate and incredibly squicky “relationship?” It did not. I never had any idea what I was supposed to be watching because the whole storyline felt like an idea someone jotted down without bothering to fill in any of the details. The gross, gross details.

My pick for Best Recast is definitely Rob Gorrie as Matthew Buchanan, while Matthew’s parents Bo and Nora scored for Best Stable Couple Keeping Everything Else Grounded. Jerry verDorn locked up the I’ll Scream If He’s Not Nominated For An Emmy category, and Dorian continues to win for Best Wigs and Millinery.

Did we think I could finish this column without mentioning Todd and Blair’s Most Scorching Love Scene? And how about a Hottest Lady In Lingerie for Natalie!

Here’s hoping this is not a final list and that there will be many more lists to come in future seasons!

My Take, Too
by Mallory Harlen 

Oh, baby: the baby storylines on GENERAL HOSPITAL are suddenly firing on all cylinders (I’m sorry. It took everything in me to resist that lame joke, but I am just not strong enough. I feel badly about it, though, so I won’t refer to sitting through the beginnings of these stories as a “labor” of love or anything like that. I have some standards). While much of Maxie’s surrogacy left me cold and Britt’s pregnancy was mostly boring, scenes featuring the amazing comic relief of Dr. Obrecht notwithstanding, they’ve fallen into place pretty dramatically and have become absolute must-watches.

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

We have been terrible at posting these, but they are still happening! Check out our monthly column in Soap Opera Digest, where this month we sounded off on our thoughts on GH as well as the returns of OLTL and AMC.

My Take
by Mallory Harlen

I’ve become increasingly concerned for the citizens of Port Charles. And not just because of the dangers they face on a regular basis: constant mob wars, plans by supervillains that throw the entire town into chaos, the constant threat that you’ll catch Carly on a bad day and you’ll be collateral damage in her latest vendetta (or, worse, that she’ll start to confide in you about her problems). No, I’m more worried about what will happen to them once they are admitted to General Hospital, likely for injuries sustained in any of the aforementioned situations, because the medical care they are likely to receive there is questionable. Does anyone really feel comfortable right now putting their lives in Patrick’s hands?

It’s not that I object to Patrick being trapped by a crazy woman claiming to be pregnant with his child—well, actually, I do object to that because of all people on this show, Patrick should be most aware of having protected sex! Not that I think for a minute that Britt is actually pregnant with his child, but still!—because that is one of the most famous tropes in all of soapdom. And this particular crazy woman has an even crazier backstory: she’s the daughter of Faison and Dr. Obrecht, making Robin’s fake-death a huge part of the story. Plus, if I’m being perfectly honest…anything that complicates Patrick and Sabrina’s relationship is all right by me. I say that not as someone who refuses to see Patrick move on with anybody but Robin, because I think there is a boatload of potential for a really good Patrick romance (Jason Thompson is off the charts charming, after all); I say it as someone who is consistently amused at just how ridiculous Sabrina can be. She’s a grown woman, with a professional career who excelled in nursing school and she has the personality of a sixth grader; an immature sixth grader whose idea of romance is based purely on Disney movies and fairytales. She’s cloying and uninteresting and I have no idea why Patrick is interested in her at all, aside from the kudos she’s received from Emma.

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

Our thoughts on General Hospital and The Bold & the Beautiful were featured in the January 31st issue of Soap Opera Digest.

My Take
by Mallory Harlen 

GENERAL HOSPITAL’s disinterest in telling love stories is nothing new—I think we all know that if given the choice between a sweeping romance and a slow-motion shootout, GH will always choose the shootout — but it’s especially noticeable when therest of the world readies itself for Valentine’s Day. Love songs on the radio, pink and red decorations as far as the eye can see and then there’s Port Charles; poor, romantically bankrupt Port Charles.

Perhaps that’s overstating things a bit, because there are some truly happy couples. Lulu and Dante were finally married in a delightful, very them ceremony where the only negative was the complete lack of guests on the bride’s side; I know that the wedding coincided with Jonathan Jackson’s exit and that scheduling must have been tight, but it would have been nice to even see Lucky extend even the briefest of well-wishes to his sister over the phone. Steve and Olivia, too, can be classified as a happy couple—they can’t be classified as a couple in which both parties have two distinct personality traits (sorry, show, but “Memphis” is not a personality trait) , but happy? Sure.

The rest of the show is where love takes a backseat to misery. There are the couplings with serious stalker undertones (watching Anthony court Tracy is basically like sitting through a sexual harassment seminar. Bruce Weitz and Jane Elliott should sue) and the couples who are allowed approximately four seconds of happiness. Robin and Patrick have shared some incredibly sweet scenes recently that were almost impossible to enjoyas the omnipresent “Something BAD is going to happen to ROBIN! BAD! And SAD!” foreshadowing was practically suffocating. Jason and Sam were finally married aftera long and often-turbulent courtship (it’s not every couple that can move past one half witnessing the kidnapping of the other half’s son, and also one partner making veiled threats to kill the other, so more power them, I guess) and barely had the chance to behappy before disaster struck, in the form of Franco drugging them both and possibly raping the bride on their honeymoon. I know that the saying goes that happy couples automatically become boring couples, but soap writers, I assure you: the happiest of couples can still be must-see TV if the writing is good.

Serial Drama's Best and Worst of 2011

Trying to list soapdom's Best and Worst of 2011 was a task that we can only describe as impossible, possibly because we are still dejected over our stories being canceled. It sort of made reminiscing a challenge.

"Was there a Best Story this year?"
"NO, THIS WAS THE YEAR THAT ALL MY CHILDREN AND ONE LIFE TO LIVE WERE CANCELED!"
"What about Best--"
"NO!"
"What about Best Hair?"
"CANCELED!"

But that's not fair, since we do want to highlight the best of soaps this year. Stop laughing, there totally were some! They were completely overshadowed by the year's many, indescribable lowlights, but they happened! So even though it took us a while and we constantly interrupted ourselves by tearing up, we did compile an official list. Because there is nothing in the world more therapeutic than writing a list.


Before we begin, we'd like to name some of the most notable Bests of the Year: Best Editor, of course, goes to the ever-fabulous Stephanie Sloane (now the editor-in-chief at Soap Opera Digest!) who has been nothing but supportive of our loquacious hypercriticism. And Best Audience? You! We thank you so much for reading, linking, commenting, emailing, Facebooking, commiserating and making us smile with your fantasticness. We hope you all have a 2012 that's nothing but wonderful (and that wish, of course, extends to the state of soaps as well. Please be wonderful, shows!)

And our usual disclaimer: the following picks are only our opinions and we are sure that many---possibly even most!--of you will disagree with everything we've listed here. Dispute away and nominate your own Bests and Worsts in the comment section! And with that, we list away. 

The Year's Worst Everything: ABC's Cancellation of All My Children and One Life to Live

Gutted. Heartbroken. Angry. For two lifelong soap fans, hearing that AMC and OLTL had been canceled was upsetting on all sorts of levels and...the worst. It was just the worst. Saying goodbye to two iconic shows? The worst. Not knowing what Erica Kane and Dorian Lord are up to? The worst. Hearing that the shows have been canceled following weeks of reassurance from ABC Daytime that they were safe? The worst. Learning that they would be replaced by two insipid hours of television called The Chew and The Revolution? The worst.

The Year's Second Worst Everything: Prospect Park is a No Go

Hey, remember how The Year's Worst Everything was the cancellation of All My Children and One Life to Live? And then how we got a reprieve because a company called Prospect Park "saved" the shows and started working toward developing both of them for an online network? And then both of our shows got canceled... again? The worst.

Daytime’s Greatest Treasure: Susan Lucci

Onscreen, Susan Lucci was so damn delightful that it was impossible not to enjoy every scene she was in, especially when she was hamming it up as Erica and Jane, who had surgery to copy Ms. Kane's face and engineered a kidnapping to steal her life. What started out as a legitimately chilling story turned...well, it turned ridiculous, but La Lucci was clearly having a ball with the dual roles that it was seriously impossible not to be giddy along with her. And offscreen, she publicly derided ABC's decision to cancel All My Children and had some unkind words for Brian Frons, whose reliably terrible and regrettably long tenure as the head of ABC Daytime oversaw the systematic destruction of the show. She said everything we've been thinking--namely, that ABC is foolish and shortsighted and that Charles Pratt should be legally barred from television writing, but she said it with the panache and sass that only a daytime legend can. We toss our hair over our shoulders in honor of you, Ms. Lucci!

Best Cameos: The Returns By AMC's Roster of Former Favorites

The brief visits from some of our favorite former residents of Pine Valley were bittersweet, but so fantastic. Eva LaRue stopped by and reminded us of the show's 90s epicness. Cady McClain brought Dixie back from the dead and reunited with Tad. Sarah Michelle Gellar made us howl with laughter as a psych patient who imagined that she had family ties with Erica Kane and was obsessed with vampires way before Twilight. We were even excited when Justin Bruening returned, and since when did anyone really care about Jamie? David Canary and Julia Barr came back to give Adam and Brooke a much-deserved happy ending, and Josh Duhamel made us swoon. It was so nice to see our old friends! If only they had returned under less depressing circumstances.

 Best Return: Roger Howarth Returns As Todd Manning

They began with the unfortunately overused soap trope of bringing a beloved actor back by starting with months of the character lurking around town (though they smartly used Howarth's skill at working in scenes with little kids) to build anticipation for the big reveal, but what a reveal it was! His beloved daughter, his embittered son, both of his ex-wives, the man who handed him over to his captors all those years ago, and the man who’d been known as Todd Manning for the past eight years were all there. And with that “I dare you to forget me” kiss he planted on Blair, we got the year’s best kiss and an angsty, legendary supercouple was revived.

The scenes between Roger Howarth and Trevor St. John were soapy fire, and it’s only a shame that nobody seemed to see that The Two Todds was a goldmine of a scenario that could have yielded great drama (and comedy) until the very end.

 

Best Couple: Greenlee and Leo, All My Children

It seems like it's cheating (mainly because it is) to include a couple that was paired up only in Greenlee's (and our!) dreams, but we dare you to find a pair that exhibited the same chemistry, banter, and romance that Greenlee and Leo did in their August reunion and we dare you to find something more swoon-worthy than Leo's "Shh. I just want to look at you". Do you know how hard it was to type that line when our hands were flailing so?!

Josh Duhamel's return was handled by the AMC writers brilliantly--they didn't bring him back from the dead (more's the pity), but they did gift viewers with callbacks to Greenlee and Leo's love affair, from their wedding vows to their special place of Bhutan and, coupled with the still-sparkling chemistry between Duhamel and Rebecca Budig, that counts for a lot.

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

Our latest thoughts on General Hospital, Days of Our Lives, and One Life to Live were featured in our latest column in the November 22nd edition of Soap Opera Digest. 

My Take
by Mallory Harlen

DAYS OF OUR LIVES has always been the subject of sneers and rolling eyes; for some reason, people have long memories when it comes to stories about demonic possessions and entire towns falling victim to a serial killer for approximately three minutes. But when the show is on, as it has been for the past few months (…well, for the most part, anyway. The pacing, as always, leaves something to be desired; I was able to pick the show back up after an extended hiatus in a matter of minutes.), it’s really on and the rest of the soap world—ahem, GENERAL HOSPITAL—could stand to learn a few lessons from it.

Legacy characters in Salem aren’t merely brought out for cameo appearances during big splashy events and holidays: they are the heart and soul of the show. Victor Kiriakis has been hatching evil schemes since I was a toddler, and Jack and Jennifer started their epic romance decades ago and yet it is their stories that I excitedly fast forward to (no offense to the younger set, of course. They’re entertaining, too. Just less so).  Too often, soaps make the assumption that “veteran” is a polite way of saying “stale” and cast aside compelling characters for something new and fun, so it’s wonderful to see the DAYS writers try new things like putting Victor and Maggie together, which is one of my favorite soap twists in ages. Meanwhile, GH’s lone couple of a certain age is Luke and Tracy, whose latest story has seen Tracy sexually blackmailed by Anthony Zacchara which, according to the uplifting score in all of their scenes, is supposed to be hilarious. Because what’s funnier than watching talented actors in an offensive story far, far below them? Anything. Anything is funnier than that.

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

Our Soap Opera Digest column is still goin' strong! The October 25th issue featured our recent thoughts on General Hospital and The Bold and the Beautiful. Read on if you missed it!

My Take
by Mallory Harlen

GENERAL HOSPITAL has tried mightily in recent years to build a reputation as a soap that’s not a soap. “Don’t believe the stereotypes about cheesy love scenes and diabolical supervillains—we’ve got none of that here!”, you can almost hear the producers pleading to new viewers. And they’re right! There is none of that. Unfortunately, that means that there’s not a whole lot of story going on either.

One of the biggest problems with career criminals being the romantic, heroic, moral centerpieces of the show—I mean, the biggest problem aside from every single word in that sentence—is that there is no real dramatic conflict on this show. We know how every story is going to end: with the designated Bad Guy, often of a rival mafia family who is totally different from Jason and Sonny because…because Jason and Sonny say that he is, being defeated and then, usually, brought back months later for a tired retread of the exact same story. Where is the entertainment in that? I long for the days of real soap villainy because the rogues gallery GH has assembled right now really isn’t cutting it.

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

Yes, it's true! We are still writing our My Take/My Take, Too column for Soap Opera Digest. It just...hasn't made its way to the blog in a long while. It's so tiny, it fits perfectly into piles of mail and paperwork! But read on for our most recent takes, which appeared in the magazine's September 20th issue and happens to feature Mallory's very last All My Children column (it's the end of an era. SOB!).

My Take
By Mallory Harlen

As we near the end of ALL MY CHILDREN's run on broadcast television, I've been feeling increasingly nostalgic and also, depressed. I've found myself tearfully thinking things like, "This is AMC's last August 26 episode" and "Are they seriously replacing this with something called THE CHEW? Network bosses really green-lit that?" during the show's opening credits. And I know, I know---Pine Valley is moving online, thanks to the Internet deal with Prospect Park, but it won't be the same. The entire cast isn't going with the show (Jacob Young and Debbi Morgan, in particular, are taking their brands of awesomeness to BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL and YOUNG AND RESTLESS, respectively) and I have this worry that the online version will only share some sets and a few minor characters with ABC's AMC. And while I'm sure the life of Krystal's Patron No. 37 is interesting, I'd much rather have the current cast, plus a few notable returns.

All Good Things Must Come to an End, or at Least a Semi-End (Yes, Semi-End is a Word Now)

I feel like I should go to confession:  “Forgive me, readers, for I have sinned; it’s been a year since my last regular blog posts.”  But I’m not Catholic, and even if I were, let’s be real, I would not remember to go to confession.  (I don't have houseplants because I can never remember to water them, even though I'd see them on a daily basis.)  And if I did go, I would have so many things to confess, I would get tripped up trying to prioritize them -- Worst first, to get it out of the way?  Or cushion the blow with a few throw-away sins (Do those exist?  I hope so!)? –- and figuring out what to wear that I’d have to design some kind of spreadsheet to keep me on track and confession alone would become essentially a part-time job…

Perhaps the above paragraph provides useful context for my non-shocking announcement that follows.

Some longtime Serial Drama followers, particularly those with an ability to read, may have noticed that my posts are few and far between lately; by which I mean I’ve posted about a dozen times in two years.  I keep thinking that soon I’ll have time to watch the shows and post, but invariably each month in a panic I watch the shows to write our Soap Opera Digest column and then freak out about making that deadline while a bunch of them from my day job linger as well. 

So, after four and half years on Serial Drama and four with Soap Opera Digest, I’m happily bowing out.  Or more specifically, I’m leaving my half of our SOD column in the capable hands of the lovely and hilarious Louise Schwartz.  And I’m playing professor and going all emeritus-style on the blog, hoping to pop in occasionally with a disjointed gripe or two about kids today while wearing a tweed sportcoat with leather elbow patches*, but turning over official co-blogger status to Louise as well.  (* This statement is simply an attempt at humor.  I would never, ever wear such a thing.)

Five years ago I was just a budding blogger who watched and hated General Hospital and watched and puzzled over Days of Our Lives’ boringness, and today I leave you…well, I still live hate GH.  Nobody said progress had to be forward moving, people!  Except the dictionary, and I think we can all agree that it is horribly biased.  (For an example, please look up "inept" and see if you see a photo of anyone involved in running ABC Daytime.)

In actuality, there has actually been some forward movement in my life.  For those who are interested – and I realize that’s a minority of you! – I can provide some reasons for my absence.  Over the last year and a half or so, I:

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

My Take
By Mallory Harlen

Even though ALL MY CHILDREN and GENERAL HOSPITAL have far more misses than hits these days, all hope is not lost: Both shows have at least one storyline that is hitting the right notes.

I was a vocal critic of GH's story that saw Patrick cheat on Robin with Lisa. There was no plot buildup aside from "Well, this is the reason we brought Lisa to Port Charles last year, so..." It neatly undid all of the growth Patrick experienced on his journey from Lothario to family man, and using Robin's trip to Africa for AIDS research as a scapegoat for a one-night stand was all kinds of wrong. Consider me shocked, then, by how much I enjoyed the aftermath. Lisa's trip to the land of the crazies was ripped off from Fatal Attraction , but what a fun rip-off it was! Brianna Brown, clearly relishing the chance to do something besides tell college stories and smile blandly, has made Lisa's unraveling equal parts compelling and hilarious; her friendly, breezy, conversations with Patrick and Robin after instances of kidnapping and attempted murder are amazing. Jason Thompson (Patrick) and Kimberly McCullough (Robin) are reliably excellent, but the fallout from this affair has seen some of their best work yet, getting to play guilt, fury and grief. Fingers crosses that this gets them some recognition when award season rolls around! This story also incorporated the return of Michael Sutton as Stone Cates--a return that, unlike most of GH's big returns in the past few years, did not rewrite history or serve as an excuse to sing Jason and Sonny's praises. I honestly didn't think the GH writers had it in them!