Serial Drama

Beverly Hills, 90210: Wedding Bell Blues

We're going back in time a bit to the final episode of Season 2. It always makes me happy to see the Walsh parents in the opening credits.

Brenda and Dylan are in an office at border control because Brenda went to another country without a driver's license, as geniuses do. Jim shows up and is NOT PLEASED, because, sure. His child lied about where she was and went to ANOTHER COUNTRY INSTEAD. He yells at Dylan a lot, not even realizing that Brenda lied to Dylan, too. He wants to know if Brandon was part of it, too. He was! And Kelly! Everyone was lying for her! Cindy isn't pleased. Cindy isn't pleased one bit. Jim suggests that the relationship is the problem, and Dylan gets all up in his face, since they are peers. After Dylan takes off, Brenda makes it clear that somehow she has been mistreated and wronged and is the real victim here. 

Kelly is dating Jake from Melrose Place, or rather Jake who will be on Melrose Place, and gets in trouble with her mom for having lied for Brenda. She isn't delighted.

Andrea thinks she wasn't invited to Kelly's mother's wedding. Andrea feels sorry for herself, as is the norm, and is furious. Because she thought she and Kelly were friends. Literally nobody points out that Andrea isn't friends with Kelly's mother, the actual human getting married, although they are about the same age.

Dylan seeks advice from Brandon on making up with Jim, but at the moment there's no way to make up to him. WHICH IS FINE. GOOD GRAVY, SHE WENT TO ANOTHER COUNTRY.

At Casa Walsh, there are a lot of awkward silences. Brandon is in trouble for lying to his parents for Brenda, who still feels persecuted. At school, Dylan smooches her and says he wants to skip Jackie's wedding, and Brenda decides she'll skip the wedding too which makes all the sense in the world. Dylan is unhappy about all of this, but in a rebellious way, which manifests itself in a dramatic exit that involves this:

My boyfriend is such a dark and tortured soul, he slapped the ceiling!

Jake has finished his job, which gives Kelly the sads. It makes me happy to see Kelly with eyebrows, because once we hit the college years they are gone, gone, gone.

Jake makes himself irresistible by telling Kelly he's the last person she should be dating. Kelly and Brenda get in a fight about this, and about how it's exhausting that all Brenda talks about is her problems with Dylan. Brenda insists Kelly has no right to talk about her relationship issues as if they compare with hers. And there's some sort of plumbing issue at the house so the wedding can't happen there!

Andrea finds the wedding invitation, which was stuck to her mother's purse or some shit. Brandon offers up his parents' house for the wedding, which they don't want, but get stuck with. The Walshes continue to have terrible kids and only punish one of them, the girlchild, so on some level I can understand why she gets so confused when she gets in trouble for legitimate reasons.

Brenda makes some sort of feminism argument at Cindy for standing by Jim's decision to ask Brenda and Dylan to cool it for a bit. Cindy, who is in love with Dylan, wants to help. She gives Brandon a letter for Dylan. Inexplicably it is not covered in hearts, but it might as well be.

She signs it, "With love, Cindy Walsh" as if there might have been confusion.

Kelly apologizes to Brenda, who actually realizes she should apologize too. They hug it out.

It's going to be the last time. 

The Fosters: Collateral Damage

I bailed on covering The Fosters for a while because I was just enjoying sinking into the couch to watch a show like it's a big hug. But I noticed a lot of sites stopped reviewing it completely, so I figured I should at least give this week's mid-season finale a little bit of lip service!

Naturally, the most important thing that happened in this episode is that Brandon actually suffered real consequences for doing a shitty thing! First, he got accepted into Juilliard, of course, but then it actually got taken away from him because he took the S.A.T.'s for another dude and got caught. No Juilliard for Brandon. No college at all? Who knows. It was really sad.

I know, I know Brandon. I'm heartbroken that you'll still be on the show too!

(In the interest of being not a total asshole, I'll say that David Lambert was good in that scene. I'm not sure any actor has the talent to make me actually like Brandon, but my aversion is not actor-related.)

In other news, Callie (being Callie) made a series of maddening, reckless, destructive choices. A.J. called out Aaron for constantly flirting with Callie, WHICH IS FAIR.

The dude seriously is coming onto her constantly. It got ugly and Aaron took off and the very first thing Callie did to "defend" him was to out him to A.J. as trans. What the hell, Callie? That is so utterly out of line! That is not your right to disclose!! But of course this is the "Callie Is Hero" show, so immediately A.J. was calmed by this news since he now doesn't see Aaron as a real threat. Callie explained how offensive that was, which is true, but the show seriously seemed to be positioning her as the good guy in that scenario. No. Not at all. Way out of line, Callie. But they turned A.J. into the bad guy so fast here that they left her crap move completely accepted and even broke up Callie and A.J. (which I hate, I really liked them together). So then later when Callie is worried about Sophia, the first thing she does is get into a car with a strange man who just chastised her for looking into that whole murder storyline (I keep forgetting the names of the people involved). Well, go figure.

Turns out he probably murdered his own grandmother. Good job, Callie.

The show finally utilized the uncanny resemblance between Maia Mitchell (Callie) and Bailee Madison (Sophia) by having the creeper whose house Callie broke into (another in the Litany of Callie's Decisions That Ruin Everyone's Lives) mistake Sophia for Callie and confront her.

 

I mean, it's not wrong to try to find out why a teenage girl broke into your home and stole your toothbrush.

Beverly Hills, 90210: Remember the Alamo

The people have spoken in survey form (you can still take it! one question!). It was cool to see the responses, and our beloved Beverly Hills, 90210 won by a landslide, but there was significant interest in other areas as well, so none of those are excluded. All this means is that I'll make the Bev Hills effort more than once a year!

I can't promise any sort of chronological order since, let's face it, I've watched the whole series a lot and sometimes I just want to skip whole eras. And I've explained that, unlike most BH90210 nostalgia blogs and podcasts and message boards, I am unabashedly pro-Kelly Taylor, and to stay that way I need to avoid some of the Brandon/Kelly episodes, since I found her insufferably sanctimonious during that time. (I will take doing a crap thing to a friend as a teenager in the Summer of Deception any day over smug-faced sanctimony)

Nonetheless, I happened to be doing an episodes fly-by and fell on one where my girl is not at her best. I'll cover it anyway.

It's the premiere of the seventh season and David is directing a video starring Donna, since she is the hottest thing to ever happen, according to her actress's EP father (early shades of Trump??). I can't quite remember what was going on here, other than David and Donna working together as... what, music producers? And David is a director? How does that make sense? David doesn't give a shit about anything Donna is saying about "at least we have each other," and she gives some pained looked in response. It's a day ending in Y.

New Season 7 credits, killing me with Kelly's bad hair. And Joe E. Tata is main cast now. 

Beach apartment. Kelly's hair is actually growing out okay. Claire shows up looking like she wrote and invented the 90s.

Brandon called to say he and Steve are staying in San Antonio and Claire is surprised to miss him this much. I don't blame her, since Steve was my least favorite character until (a) Season 10 and (b) my rewatch of the whole dang thing in which he's utterly dopey and endearing and less of a smugshit than anyone else ever was on this show.

Cut to Texas, where they try to make it look like it's 1951. The tow truck driver is very impressed that Brandon and Steve must know all the movie stars, so that's not condescending at all. PRIESTLEY'S FROM CANADA, please. The mechanics make "fruits and nuts" jokes toward Steve and Brandon, and Brandon talks about Steve's tongue in his ear or something. Allies! Ha. Steve wants to call Claire and Brandon says, "Be gentle, she's a small girl," which is not as cute as anyone thinks.

Brando calls Val, who is feeling sorry for herself because she's like 20 or 21 and lives in a mansion and owns a popular club in Los Angeles, and you guys: SHE'S SMOKING POT!!!! Terrible! Now we know she's still "bad."

Brando meets a black girl in the library in Texas so here we go. He's going to teach us all by being a white savior in a not-at-all condescending storyline.

Kelly needs to find an internship for her major. Val shows up where Kel and Claire are, and is somehow offended that Kelly hasn't contacted her all summer. These two have the dumbest pissing contests over the years. They openly hate each other, but somehow Kelly's a bitch for not visiting. Val announces she'll wait till Kelly gets a new man so she can go after him, and they smirk at each other because they are awake.

Mariah's boss at the library is super-rude to her, and Brando's all over it, savior-ing.

Those stereotypes from the mechanics' place see them together and legit say, "Salt and pepper, don't that make you sick?" because sure, small towns, WRITERS.

Val meets the infamous accountant Kenny. A lot of this is hard to really respond to as if I'm not seeing it for the thousandth time with knowledge of the future, but Kenny is a DUD. Why did this show think this was the best Val could do?

Donna's hair is the worst and their musician is a bad UK stereotype, because we haven't done enough regional cliches yet this episode. He remembers Kelly bizarre Seventeen Magazine cover, and she agrees to hang out a bit to help Donna keep the client. 

Brandon is douching it up with Mariah, who is played by Maia Campbell who blissfully had a good sitcom career after this humiliation, and they're talking about former relationships.

Honestly by Season 6, this really turned into a daytime soap format at night -- the scenes are so short. This really depresses me about the whole genre. ANYWAY. The English idiot is taping his video on the beach and mainly cares about whether or not Kelly approves. David is outraged at Donna for distracting the artist with Kelly. Taz! That's the artist. Ugh, this show. Was there a stereotype they ever ignored? 

Quick Survey!

Literally one question: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/8KSJWMX

It's anonymous and you can pick more than one thing! Feel free to expand on it in the comments here -- if you picked Web Soaps, do you have favorites? If you picked 90210, what are your favorite seasons? Etc!

Edited to add: I want to clarify one thing. I'm probably not going to cover the best new shows on television. Or the best old shows. If I can't have a little fun at the show's expense, for the most part, you can find lots of much more high-profile commentary on just about everything. I'm not here to recap Friday Night Lights or The Wire. I even dropped The Fosters because I like it and other places covered it well (Previously TV, Autostraddle, etc) but I noticed some sites dropped them so, hey, low-coverage shows are more likely to happen here if they're worth it. Maybe I'll pick it back up.

This is kind of stream-of-consciousness, but I just wanted to offer up a sense of what's behind the thinking here! 

 

We Chat with Devious Maids Writers, It's All Happening!

Hi everyone! As promised, I bring you the grand interview with the scriptwriters of this week's episode of Devious Maids, Jessica Kivnik (Freelance Writer and Writers' Assistant for the show) and David Grubstick (Story Editor).

SERIAL DRAMA: First of all, I loved tonight's episode! And I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to answer a few questions! I love Devious Maids, and am so grateful that it livens up our somewhat empty summer TV schedules.

JESSICA KIVNIK: Thank you! Tell your friends. 

DAVID GRUBSTICK: Glad you're enjoying this season!  

SD: Since most of this site’s readers came here originally for our coverage of daytime soaps, I just wanted to start off with a basic sausage-making question about some of the genre differences. Most of us are used to the daytime system of the Head Writer determining all of the overall story arcs, the breakdown writers outlining the scenes and plot points of an episode, and then the scriptwriters handling the actual dialogue, as opposed the more traditional concept of the writers’ room where more people are involved in brainstorming. Can you tell us a little about how the writing process works at Devious Maids? 

JK: Even though Devious Maids is a drama, the room runs a bit more like a traditional comedy room. The showrunner, Brian Tanen, might have an idea of something to play for an individual episode or a place we need to end a story to set-up something for the future, but anyone can bring in a story idea. We tend to break story together, usually by character (Marisol, Rosie, Carmen, Zoila), looking for a balance of comedic and dramatic beats. This season we had a lot of new combinations to play with so that was really fun. 

Once the story beats are on the wall on cards, we board or "weave" the stories together, divvy up the work and go to outline, then drafts.  (Insider scoop, we play Spanish guitar music to inspire the weaving.)  When you turn in a draft, it goes up on a big TV screen in the room and is read aloud to everyone by the showrunner (which is more common in comedy rooms.) It's scary the first time, but it really matters how the dialogue sounds out loud.  You get a round of notes and have a chance to rewrite as needed.  Then Brian does a "polish" on your draft to ensure a consistency of tone. At the end of the day, he's the boss!  

Then we get to hear it read by the actors at a table read (in our case, via video conference). That part is crucial because for a show with so much comedy, you really need to hear how your jokes are playing and can make any adjustments if necessary. Plus it's a great thrill!

I didn't know that soaps had different writers creating outlines! That's something that the Devious writers do before they get to the draft stage.  But we only have to produce 1 episode per week so that makes it a lot easier. Hat tip to daytime soap writers, cuz what we do is not easy.

DG: Every show I've worked on has its own writing process.  But one constant is the showrunner always sets the tone for how the writers' room operates.  Devious Maids is a nighttime soap with the typical serialized drama and mystery elements -- but we add comedy to that mix, giving the show its unique voice.  And because we have a small writing staff, everyone pitches in wherever needed -- breaking story, outlining, writing drafts and punching-up scenes.  All the writers have a hand in writing every episode.  The process is very collaborative.  

 

SD: And how did you get involved yourselves? 

JK: I was hired in Season 3 to be the writers' assistant which means I sit in the writers room with the staff and take notes, do research and put episode beats on note cards that we hang on a giant corkboard. It's an amazing opportunity to learn from professional writers and see their process up close. Each show is different but this room was also really open to hearing my pitches and ideas, which is not true of all writers rooms. I must have had a few good ones, because when they had a freelance writing opportunity in Season 4, they gave it to me!

DG: I came onboard during Season 1 as the script coordinator.  My job was to proofread all the outlines and drafts, oversee legal clearances and BS&P, and make sure the scripts were distributed to department heads and the studio and network.  Luckily I was also allowed to help out in the writers' room taking notes when needed.  That led to writing a freelance episode during Season 2.  Then I was hired onto the writing staff for Seasons 3 & 4.  

SD: Since the show is written in California and shot in Georgia, are any of the writers ever present on set in Atlanta?

JK: It depends. The showrunner or another EP-level writer sometimes are, especially during the first episode or the season finale.  We are also lucky to have a great producing director David Warren who knows the tone of the show and helps the episodic directors to ensure that there's some visual consistency. Also there are lots and lots of meetings in prep to help the team on set really understand how the writers envision things.

SD: The relationship between Genevieve and Zoila has long been one of my favorite things about the show, and I’m sure I’m not alone in that. Was that something planned from the beginning or did the depth of the onscreen chemistry between Susan Lucci and Judy Reyes plant an idea in the writers’ heads? And can you give us a modicum of hope for a reunion this season?

DG: From the pilot episode, it's established Zoila and Genevieve have the longest working relationship and friendship.  Their children grew up together and I like to think they know each other better than they know themselves.  But Judy and Susan are the ones who breathe life into that complex relationship.  Otherwise, it's just words on paper.  So their chemistry is key and is what makes writing for them so much fun.  And "Zoy-vieve" fans have nothing to fear - their paths cross again very soon.  

JK: Both women really grow this season and have to navigate life without each other. I think that will give each of them some of the perspective that distance provides.  I will say that sooner than you expect, we will see Genevieve and Zoila interact - in a very devious way. 

SD: Speaking of Susan Lucci, since we’ve long talked about her on this site, I just have to ask: can you tell us any fun stories at all? Is La Lucci as tiny and adorable and diplomatic and regal in reality as she seems to be?

JK: She's amazing. And a huge supporter of the show. We're so lucky to have her, I think she's a national treasure. She always wants to have sexy storylines so that's why we gave her Dr. Neff (and the Blooming Orchid) last year and had her naked, trying to seduce Peter this season. She was so game for that shot where she's strategically hidden behind flowers, but the props and costumes departments wanted to be respectful so they made the flowers really big! We had to ADR a line about her being naked so it was really clear to the viewers. 

DG: Susan is a pro and game for everything and anything we throw at her.  One of my favorite Genevieve scenes is from last season's finale, when she was trapped in an elevator with a very pregnant Zoila, who goes into labor.  I died watching Susan on the dailies pry open the elevator doors with her stiletto heels, climb up and out into the hallway, turn around and exclaim, "I've been dieting my whole life for this!"  As a writer, you always hope what you write translates onto screen.  Susan totally sells that moment and she's hilarious. 

Watch This Space!

Soon I'll be interviewing a couple of the writers from Devious Maids, particularly the scriptwriters for this upcoming episode!

 

So be sure to check back, not only if you watch that show, but if you want some fun scoop on soapy writing in general (and y'all know I'll be asking about La Lucci)!

The Fosters: Mixed Messages

Hey, Fosters viewers (and Serial Drama readers who don't watch the show but just like reading TV blogs!), I think I'll skip doing the beat-by-beat recap this time because it does get a little dull. I'm going to shake it up a tiny bit. I AM LIVING ON THE EDGE, PEOPLE. Here we go!

Wait, so this is the car Brandon drives?

Somebody's going to have to refresh my memory. That can't be his car, right? Is that the one that Callie's bio-dad bought for her? It has to be, doesn't it? Anyway, just more of Brandon's horrible life, just having to drive around in a sweet ride like that. Pretty sure that car could pay for a year at Juilliard, but if it's Callie's, they better not let her sell it FOR LOVE or whatever. (Okay but seriously, is it Brandon's?)

Basically the A-storyline starts when Jude is reading Romeo and Juliet for school and quotes a passage, asking what it means. Dream-teen heartthrob Brandon knows! "It means Romeo wants to bang his sister," he says. Or really something about how hard it is being apart from the person you love, and he and Callie exchange gross incestuous looks. If this show is trying to sell some crap about Callie and Brandon being like Romeo and Juliet, I suggest someone on that team re-read that play and realize that Romeo and Juliet did not have a great love story but in fact were total idiots (okay, that part is an awful lot like Brandon and Callie) whose adolescent obsession with each other left them AND MANY OTHERS dead forever. Families ruined. Souls destroyed. And they were kept from dating (and probably breaking up after not too long) because of a hateful, horrible, foolish, deadly ANCIENT GRUDGE. You know, NOT BECAUSE THEY WERE SIBLINGS. (Oops, I got a little wound up. I have a long history of overreacting when pop culture tries to parallel contemporary stories with R&J because they always treat it as if it was a great love story with a sad ending instead of one of the more brilliantly and astonishingly devastating tragedies of all time.) Anyway, they closed it out with Jude being all, "Tell me about it," and let's hope that he and Connor are no more like Romeo and Juliet than any other healthy, breathing humans with parents who are not dangerously insane. But really, they don't even let up. Later, Brandon tells that new chick about the whole thing and she refers to Brandon and Callie as "star-crossed lovers" and I almost puke and actually wish she would finish out the sentence with the original "take their life" (I'm just kidding, show, please no suicides!). 

Does the R&J nonsense end there? It does not. Brandon, in fact, is writing a new song that he plays for Mat and the lyrics to the song are just the effing prologue to Romeo and Juliet. I'm going to need an apothecary myself. Any second now. Oh, he decides it's going to be a rock opera. Is this R&J musical adaptation (that is not West Side Story, by the by) going to be an extended storyline, continuing to imply some nonsense parallel to Brandon and Callie? WHAT, HO! APOTHECARY! BRING ME SOME MORTAL POISON PLS.

(Can confirm. Upside? Corbin Bleu from One Life to Live will be Mercutio! Because he's still playing high school students? And it's also an actual musical written by Bradley Bredeweg called Romeo and Juliet: Love Is A Battlefield, which kind of sounds like cheesy hilariousness. Horrible downside? Again, hideously implied parallels to Brandon and Callie.)

Worried Callie is worried.

This means that Callie has to tell Brandon that she told Daphne about their sibling sex, but (as someone smartly suggested in the comments last week) Daphne thinks the "sex with your foster brother" might refer to Liam. All is well! Later Callie gets gussied up for a Fost and Found photo shoot and looks super-slick.

And then Brandon brandons it up by telling her she doesn't look like her and there is a god because she fully calls him out for that bullshit. But then what's the first thing she does? Scrubs it all off. Is this impostor syndrome, or is this really all just guilt about that terrible choice she made with Brandon?

The Fosters: First Impressions

The Fosters is back! The Fosters is back! 

Okay, I don't actually know if I'm excited about this, because at the mid-season break I was so grossed out that I was pretty damn ready to give this show up for good. I guess I should be grateful that Brandon didn't have sex with his little sister after the adoption went through moving them from foster siblings to actual complete and total forever siblings? But I didn't feel very grateful, since these events were only separated by one episode and I'm still working on scrubbing my brain of the image. And I don't hold out hope that the adoption means they'll permanently drop "Brallie" (vom) and just go on telling the other lovely stories that they tell. But I do hold out hope that there will be other stories that are good enough to watch that I can... overlook the grossness? We'll see. But I'm not ready to say goodbye to Stef and Lena. Or Mariana. Or, for the love of all that is holy, Jude. I am not willing to let go of Jude. Yet.

So here I am.

For now.

The "previouslies" are already hurting my brain. So much stuff I don't remember the details of (particularly the hit-and-run). Anyway, we're starting with the performance of Brandon's composition at Disney Hall. They pan across the family (including New Jesus!) and... oh for fuck's sake, they get to Callie and she has brother/sister sex flashbacks. THEY DIDN'T WASTE A SECOND TO TORTURE US.

Opening credits. I'm weak, you guys! The opening always suckers me right back in, even when I'm disgusted. No fair!

Naturally, based on that Disney Hall performance, Brandon has been invited to final callbacks for Juilliard. Of course he has. But because Brandon has just the worst life ever, Juilliard still charges tuition! Poor Brandon! All the worst things happen to him!

AJ and his brother are huggy and sad because their grandmother died.

Mike's helping to load up the car with her stuff and a picture of the boys breaks. He looks at it significantly, and calls work to tell them not to bother running the prints on that pen he got from AJ's brother (I'll remember his name at some point, I'm sure).

Brandon overhears his moms worrying about money, so he walks away with his standard Brandon hangdog look. But Annie Potts is there! (aka Sharon, Stef's mom) Sharon is very displeased about what the insurance will or will not cover in terms of Stef's health situation. Monte shows up to apologize to both Stef and Lena. Lord, this is awkward. She offers to resign from Anchor Beach. That's a bit extreme, Monte!

Emma is over at the house trying to help Mariana put together her campaign for junior class president. I'd vote for Mariana! Jesus is a dick about it, so I guess the actor replacement hasn't really changed the nature of the character. So far. But holy crap this guy is tall! Lexi shows up from being deported. Somehow her family magically all got visas. Seems likely. Brandon walks in and see Emma and Lexi and actually says something funny for once!

Brandon: It's like an ex-girlfriend convention in here. Want me to call Hayley, maybe she can come over? 

Sound the trumpets, Brandon made a funny!

Some extremely tightly-wound bespectacled boy is yelling at Callie about privatized foster homes after she gives a speech about her website. A foster care advocate (played by a very familiar actress... I'll figure it out) wants to invest $50,000 in Callie (or more likely her website).

Lena tells Monte she should stay on at the school but needs to get her act together and look up the word "boundaries." Not in those exact words, but let's face it, that was the gist.

Connor is packing up to move away forever and ever and Jude's perfect little heart is breaking. "My dad will never change," Connor tells him. I don't know, his dad spent last Father's Day with a yard full of queermos and he lived through it, I feel like there's some wiggle room. 

Well, darn it all, the lab ran that fingerprint test after all and they do match Ty's (AJ's brother). Mike explains the whole thing to Stef, who is livid.

I think Mike should probably point out that if Brandon had basically murdered a town full of children Stef would try to cover it up.

Lexi and Jesus flirt with each other. In the bathroom.

I know nothing gets me hotter than a bathroom shared by 23 adolescents. It probably smells amazing. Then Lexi pushes Mariana to go as sexy as possible with her presidential campaign (ugh, take note, Bernie Sanders, time to sex it up a bit!) but naturally Emma overreacts about how girls can be fun-and-smart-sexy and not just in-your-face-sexy and decides she shouldn't be running this campaign and needs to go home. That was fast! Regardless, Mariana levels with Lexi that she doesn't want her help with the campaign. "No hard feelings," they allege. Seems likely.

The foster care advocate talks to Callie and Stef and Lena, and Callie tries to talk to her about Jack (the aforementioned bespectacled kid). The lady promises to "make some calls." I'm sure nothing bad will happen. The second she's out of earshot, she makes a bitchy phone call trying to find out where that kid has been placed. From here on out I will be referring to this character as Miss Hannigan. You know who she lives to exploit? ORPHANS, that's who! (This is just a wild guess.)

Nashville: Can't Let Go

Y'all. SO MUCH HAPPENED on the season premiere of Nashville that I don't even know where I'd begin recapping it all, so I'm just going to make a quick list in case anyone needs a cheat sheet to keep up with all the drama! 

To sum up, here's where we left things off at the end of last season:

- Scarlett was dating a doctor fellow but also trying to resist feelings for Gunnar, who was being inappropriately petulant and pouty and pushy about the whole thing.

- Avery was pretty much raising Cadence on his own because Juliette had PPD, apparently, but in reality was just back to being the beast she was when we first met her.

- Maddie was a brat and Daphne was adorable.

- Teddy was on his way to prison.

- Layla and Jeff were in some sort of very twisted, emotionally abusive relationship.

- Will was dealing with a bunch of internalized homophobia, but had finally publicly come out, much to his label's dismay.

- Rayna and Deacon were back together, and Beverly and Deacon were both under the knife for Beverly's liver donation for Deacon's transplant.

- Steven Tyler existed in the world but had never been on this show.

And now, since your heads are all probably spinning from this week's action-packed episode, here's where things stand now:

- Scarlett is dating a doctor fellow but also trying to resist feelings for Gunnar, who is being inappropriately petulant and pouty and pushy about the whole thing.

- Avery is pretty much raising Cadence on his own because Juliette has PPD, apparently, but in reality is just back to being the beast she was when we first met her.

Beverly Hills, 90210: Sorry, Scott Scanlon!

So I'm doing a full re-watch of Beverly Hills, 90210 now that it's streaming on Hulu and now that you can get Hulu without commercials (thank you, television gods!), but apparently over 60 episodes of the show are completely missing because Hulu wasn't able to get the music rights. Which is particularly hilarious since all the actual pop music from the show has been replaced anyway by some terrible pop-punk/grunge hybrid something-or-other, to the point where literally characters are singing along to the WRONG SONG and references are made that make zero sense at all. (I mean the series finale is missing!)

Point being, some of the most iconic episodes aren't there, so I added a few of the DVDs to my Netflix queue to fill in the gaps. I won't be recapping the whole series, but just episodes here and there, and what better episode to start with than "The Next Fifty Years," otherwise known as the Very Special Episode in which former series regular Scott Scanlon bites it after playing with his dad's gun. Don't play with guns, kids! They're not toys! They even say that in the episode!

(WARNING: most people who still talk about the original 90210 on these here internets are only interested in the Brenda years and are pretty hung up on how awesome she is and how horribly she was treated by anyone and everyone. If that sounds like you, I promise that you will only be annoyed by my commentary. Go to literally anywhere else on the internet where they talk about Bev Hills. I find new reasons to hate her every single time I rewatch this series and I keep thinking I'm going to see things differently but I never do. This blog may well end up being a revival of the I Hate Brenda club, seriously. ShanDo is awesome. Brenda is not. That's a credit to the actress, to be clear.) (Again: this is a SAFE SPACE for Brenda hating!)

I sat down to watch it expecting to be laughing at it the entire time, but perhaps I'm getting soft in my old age. I actually thought it was pretty well executed in a lot ways and it made me sad. There's no room for such things in my life! I'm hoping on my recap rewatch I'll have a little more aesthetic distance!

Basically the framing device here is that there's a time capsule from 1941 that's being opened at the school. Because this is 1991. There's some sort of choir singing at the school (which is convenient, since they'll milk it for pathos later), and we open with their rendition of "This Is My Country," which goes on forever. Seriously. They cut around to our various beloved characters who are simply rapt. Is "This Is My Country" not in the public domain yet? I'm going to lose my mind trying to figure out what the dealbreaker was for streaming rights here. David is making a video yearbook, in which he helpfully defines Brenda and Dylan as "popular." We're going to be hearing that word a lot today. This group of friends: MOST POPULAR PEOPLE AT WEST BEVERLY. Despite the fact that they never interact with other humans and, when they do, it's generally to get sanctimonious at them in one way or the other. 

Andrea really wants Brandon to come watch Citizen Kane on Saturday night (she's excited because it came out the year she was born!), but he breaks her little heart once again by having plans with a certain Emily Valentine, who has yet to have her meltdown or spike anyone's drink with U4EA. She has, however, already suffered the wrath of Brenda Walsh, who was a total beast to her in her introductory episode. 

The gang talks about what they would have done if they were around in 1941. Dylan thinks he would have joined the navy, while Steve is certain he would have been a marine. Sure, guys. You seem like the types to be war heroes. Scott Scanlon wanders up and tries to get David's attention but, you see, David got cool over the summer season while Scott spent the summer getting less cool in Oklahoma, which presumably occurred because they realized Douglas Emerson was not, how do you say, an actor.

Mrs. Scanlon is stalking David at school to try to convince him to help her plan a surprise party this Saturday for Scott's birthday. He really doesn't want to do it, but she guilts him into it. She thinks 25 kids would be perfect! David chases down Scott's fifth-grade girlfriend, who explains that being known as Scott Scanlon's former girlfriend is "embarrassing now!" 

David approaches the gang to try to get them to go to the party. Dylan can't go because, man, he's going to be in Baja this weekend. Brenda wants to know when she gets to join him in Baja. Well, Brenda, in about 18 episodes you're going to lie to your parents and leave the country and then get caught and act like being in trouble for LEAVING THE COUNTRY is completely out of line, since every time you get in trouble you seem to think you're the wronged party instead of, I don't know, apologizing and showing a little humility. (I warned you guys!)

Kelly wants to know who else is going. Kelly, literally everyone you know is standing right there, so what difference does it make? Donna's in, and is going to have a hard time talking anyone else into it. She will talk them into it, but we'll never know how because this happens off-screen.

We cut to the party preparations. Scott has 375 siblings and they pop a lot of balloons. This is very startling for people, and is also foreshadowing. Because accidental gunshots and popped balloons, of course. None of these siblings is Sue Scanlon, the sister they invent the following season who David tries to rescue from sluttiness and goth clothing. A little brother wants to do some gun-shooting in their Beverly Hills backyard at night, and in case you think that's normal, Mr. Scanlon assures us that guns are not toys, they are weapons. Lest you think this is responsible parenting, don't forget that he keeps a loaded gun in his desk drawer in a house full of 376 children with Attention Deficit Disorder.

They yell "surprise!" but it's really Donna, Steve, Kelly, and Brenda. Mrs. Scanlon is somehow really put out by this. Brandon and Emily are arriving outside and totally ruin the surprise, mostly because Brandon ruins everything. (Are you starting to sense how much I hate these twins?) Scott cannot believe that the most important kids at school are all at his house! In fact, he deems this "far out!" Mrs. Scanlon does not appreciate these "friends" showing up without gifts.

David is annoyed. He finds a moment with Donna.

David: She acts like the party was ruined because of me and my friends when she should be thanking me for saving it! It's not like Scott's Mr. Popular. No one would have even showed up if it wasn't for you and me. 

Because this is television, Scott overheard the whole thing. I mean he was there from the first word and David just kept talking. Both David and Donna apparently have some sort of sight disorder, because really, how did they not see him?

David does not apologize. Again, because this is TV, there's just an awkward silence and we cut to the next scene. 

The gang is being deliberately miserable. Steve wants to know how long they have to stay. "We're on borrowed time as it is," says Brandon, which makes no sense.

Everyone starts to leave, and when Mrs. Scanlon protests, Brandon insists that it's getting very late now that it's 8:30. Because Brandon is a dick. David swoops in to save the day by announcing that his birthday present to Scott is learning how to dance! The cool kids are going to teach him. Brandon and Emily do not participate in this, because it is beneath them. This is actually kind of a sweet scene because the rest of them actually do step up and have a little fun, and Brenda and Kelly particularly show Scott a good time by dancing right up on little Scott. Speaking of Little Scott, it's probably making some moves in his pants now, right about the time that the two hottest girls in school are kind of grinding on him.

Things fall apart completely when Brenda makes this inexplicable move:

Someone needs to explain this to me. I was there in the 90s. In fact, I was the same age as these characters (and about 20 years younger than half of the actors). I don't remember this.