Serial Drama

2018 Daytime Emmy Nominations

They're here, they're here! And there are actually a couple of surprises and cool things in addition to the frustrating absences.

It's sweet that the tech and design awards mostly just included all four shows, but that means the ones that didn't stand out even more. Poor Days of Our Lives costume designers! Guess they don't think much of The Bold & the Beautiful casting!

Anyway, I included all the digital soaps here, too, because (a) I'm personally invested in some of them and (b) they have a lot of crossover with the network daytime talent. For instance, hey, if you wanted Chad Duell to get a nomination for General Hospital, you'll be bummed but then a little glad to know he still got a nomination elsewhere.

Shall we? (Sorry the formatting's a mess, I'll clean it up when I have a little time but just wanted to get this out there!)

 

Outstanding Drama Series

 

The Bold and the Beautiful  

Days of Our Lives    

General Hospital   

The Young and the Restless    

  

Outstanding Digital Daytime Drama Series

The Bay The Series                                         

Eastsiders                                

Ladies of the Lake                              

Tainted Dreams                                       

Venice The Series                         

Zac & Mia                                       

 

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series 

Eileen Davidson, as Ashley Abbott
The Young and the Restless                         

Nancy Lee Grahn, as Alexis Davis
General Hospital                                   

Marci Miller, as Abigail Deveraux
Days of Our Lives                                               

Maura West, as Ava Jerome
General Hospital                                               

Laura Wright, as Carly Corinthos
General Hospital                                            

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series 

Peter Bergman, as Jack Abbott
The Young and the Restless                        

Michael Easton, as Hamilton Finn
General Hospital                                   

John McCook, as Eric Forrester
The Bold and the Beautiful                                    

Billy Miller, as Jason Morgan/Drew
General Hospital                                                 

James Reynolds, as Abe Carver
Days of Our Lives                                                      

                                                                                                    

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series 

Marla Adams, as Dina Mergeron
The Young and the Restless                                             

Camryn Grimes, as Mariah Copeland
The Young and the Restless                                            

Susan Seaforth Hayes, as Julie Williams
Days of Our Lives                                                             

Elizabeth Hendrickson, as Chloe Mitchell
The Young and the Restless                                               

Jacqueline MacInnes Wood, as Steffy Forrester Spencer
The Bold and the Beautiful                                                

Mishael Morgan, as Hilary Curtis
The Young and the Restless                               

 

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series 

Wally Kurth, as Ned Quartermaine
General Hospital                                  

Chandler Massey, as Will Horton
Days of Our Lives                                                   

Anthony Montgomery, as Dr Andre Maddox
General Hospital                                                    

Greg Rikaart, as Kevin Fisher
The Young and the Restless                                   

Greg Vaughan, as Eric Brady
Days of Our Lives                                        

Outstanding Younger Actress in a Drama Series  

Reign Edwards, as Nicole Avant Forrester
The Bold and the Beautiful                                       

Hayley Erin, as Kiki Jerome
General Hospital                                            

Cait Fairbanks, as Tessa Porter
The Young and the Restless                                

Olivia Rose Keegan, as Claire Brady
Days of Our Lives                                        

Chloe Lanier, as Nelle Benson
General Hospital                                        

 

Outstanding Younger Actor in a Drama Series 

Lucas Adams, as Tripp Dalton
Days of Our Lives                                      

Rome Flynn, as Zende Forrester
The Bold and the Beautiful                                

Tristan Lake Leabu, as Reed Hellstrom
The Young and the Restless                     

Casey Moss, as JJ Deveraux
Days of Our Lives                                      

Hudson West, as Jake Webber
General Hospital                                           

Outstanding Guest Performer in a Drama Series 

Ryan Ashton, as Zach Sinnett
The Young and the Restless                                      

Robb Derringer, as Scooter Nelson
Days of Our Lives                                                  

John Enos, as Roger
Days of Our Lives                                           

Morgan Fairchild, as Anjelica
Days of Our Lives                                                             

Vernee Watson, as Stella Henry
General Hospital                                                        

 

We Chat with Devious Maids Writers, It's All Happening!

Hi everyone! As promised, I bring you the grand interview with the scriptwriters of this week's episode of Devious Maids, Jessica Kivnik (Freelance Writer and Writers' Assistant for the show) and David Grubstick (Story Editor).

SERIAL DRAMA: First of all, I loved tonight's episode! And I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to answer a few questions! I love Devious Maids, and am so grateful that it livens up our somewhat empty summer TV schedules.

JESSICA KIVNIK: Thank you! Tell your friends. 

DAVID GRUBSTICK: Glad you're enjoying this season!  

SD: Since most of this site’s readers came here originally for our coverage of daytime soaps, I just wanted to start off with a basic sausage-making question about some of the genre differences. Most of us are used to the daytime system of the Head Writer determining all of the overall story arcs, the breakdown writers outlining the scenes and plot points of an episode, and then the scriptwriters handling the actual dialogue, as opposed the more traditional concept of the writers’ room where more people are involved in brainstorming. Can you tell us a little about how the writing process works at Devious Maids? 

JK: Even though Devious Maids is a drama, the room runs a bit more like a traditional comedy room. The showrunner, Brian Tanen, might have an idea of something to play for an individual episode or a place we need to end a story to set-up something for the future, but anyone can bring in a story idea. We tend to break story together, usually by character (Marisol, Rosie, Carmen, Zoila), looking for a balance of comedic and dramatic beats. This season we had a lot of new combinations to play with so that was really fun. 

Once the story beats are on the wall on cards, we board or "weave" the stories together, divvy up the work and go to outline, then drafts.  (Insider scoop, we play Spanish guitar music to inspire the weaving.)  When you turn in a draft, it goes up on a big TV screen in the room and is read aloud to everyone by the showrunner (which is more common in comedy rooms.) It's scary the first time, but it really matters how the dialogue sounds out loud.  You get a round of notes and have a chance to rewrite as needed.  Then Brian does a "polish" on your draft to ensure a consistency of tone. At the end of the day, he's the boss!  

Then we get to hear it read by the actors at a table read (in our case, via video conference). That part is crucial because for a show with so much comedy, you really need to hear how your jokes are playing and can make any adjustments if necessary. Plus it's a great thrill!

I didn't know that soaps had different writers creating outlines! That's something that the Devious writers do before they get to the draft stage.  But we only have to produce 1 episode per week so that makes it a lot easier. Hat tip to daytime soap writers, cuz what we do is not easy.

DG: Every show I've worked on has its own writing process.  But one constant is the showrunner always sets the tone for how the writers' room operates.  Devious Maids is a nighttime soap with the typical serialized drama and mystery elements -- but we add comedy to that mix, giving the show its unique voice.  And because we have a small writing staff, everyone pitches in wherever needed -- breaking story, outlining, writing drafts and punching-up scenes.  All the writers have a hand in writing every episode.  The process is very collaborative.  

 

SD: And how did you get involved yourselves? 

JK: I was hired in Season 3 to be the writers' assistant which means I sit in the writers room with the staff and take notes, do research and put episode beats on note cards that we hang on a giant corkboard. It's an amazing opportunity to learn from professional writers and see their process up close. Each show is different but this room was also really open to hearing my pitches and ideas, which is not true of all writers rooms. I must have had a few good ones, because when they had a freelance writing opportunity in Season 4, they gave it to me!

DG: I came onboard during Season 1 as the script coordinator.  My job was to proofread all the outlines and drafts, oversee legal clearances and BS&P, and make sure the scripts were distributed to department heads and the studio and network.  Luckily I was also allowed to help out in the writers' room taking notes when needed.  That led to writing a freelance episode during Season 2.  Then I was hired onto the writing staff for Seasons 3 & 4.  

SD: Since the show is written in California and shot in Georgia, are any of the writers ever present on set in Atlanta?

JK: It depends. The showrunner or another EP-level writer sometimes are, especially during the first episode or the season finale.  We are also lucky to have a great producing director David Warren who knows the tone of the show and helps the episodic directors to ensure that there's some visual consistency. Also there are lots and lots of meetings in prep to help the team on set really understand how the writers envision things.

SD: The relationship between Genevieve and Zoila has long been one of my favorite things about the show, and I’m sure I’m not alone in that. Was that something planned from the beginning or did the depth of the onscreen chemistry between Susan Lucci and Judy Reyes plant an idea in the writers’ heads? And can you give us a modicum of hope for a reunion this season?

DG: From the pilot episode, it's established Zoila and Genevieve have the longest working relationship and friendship.  Their children grew up together and I like to think they know each other better than they know themselves.  But Judy and Susan are the ones who breathe life into that complex relationship.  Otherwise, it's just words on paper.  So their chemistry is key and is what makes writing for them so much fun.  And "Zoy-vieve" fans have nothing to fear - their paths cross again very soon.  

JK: Both women really grow this season and have to navigate life without each other. I think that will give each of them some of the perspective that distance provides.  I will say that sooner than you expect, we will see Genevieve and Zoila interact - in a very devious way. 

SD: Speaking of Susan Lucci, since we’ve long talked about her on this site, I just have to ask: can you tell us any fun stories at all? Is La Lucci as tiny and adorable and diplomatic and regal in reality as she seems to be?

JK: She's amazing. And a huge supporter of the show. We're so lucky to have her, I think she's a national treasure. She always wants to have sexy storylines so that's why we gave her Dr. Neff (and the Blooming Orchid) last year and had her naked, trying to seduce Peter this season. She was so game for that shot where she's strategically hidden behind flowers, but the props and costumes departments wanted to be respectful so they made the flowers really big! We had to ADR a line about her being naked so it was really clear to the viewers. 

DG: Susan is a pro and game for everything and anything we throw at her.  One of my favorite Genevieve scenes is from last season's finale, when she was trapped in an elevator with a very pregnant Zoila, who goes into labor.  I died watching Susan on the dailies pry open the elevator doors with her stiletto heels, climb up and out into the hallway, turn around and exclaim, "I've been dieting my whole life for this!"  As a writer, you always hope what you write translates onto screen.  Susan totally sells that moment and she's hilarious. 

Watch This Space!

Soon I'll be interviewing a couple of the writers from Devious Maids, particularly the scriptwriters for this upcoming episode!

 

So be sure to check back, not only if you watch that show, but if you want some fun scoop on soapy writing in general (and y'all know I'll be asking about La Lucci)!

Daytime Emmys: Live Blog

7:53pm:  Who's ready?

8:00pm:  They're doing a sketch about Ellen DeGeneres and Matt Lauer, which mostly seems about how they definitely will not show up for this thing. I mean it's for charity! That's the nicer thing. "Charity," unspecified. 

8:03pm: Tyra's hosting, it's real! This is the first time she's ever hosted an awards show, and is nervous about her lack-of-weave. In her childhood, they watched GH and Y&R. Tyra is basically overdramatically wonderful. She is rapping. Should she rap? I don't know about that.

8:08pm: Steve Harvey is presenting, and requests that the producers stop filming the losers' faces. 

8:09pm: Outstanding Actress! Finola, Elizabeth, Linsey, Amelia, and Lisa. Even Finola Hughes's clip made made me weepy. But, she did not win. Amelia Heinle won. She's insanely pretty. But she is not Finola Hughes. I feel crazy right now. 

8:13pm: Something about a game show? At least everyone seems awake. Outstanding Entertainment News Program! Entertainment Tonight wins. I outright did not know this was still a thing, but I do not claim to be on the cutting edge.

Who's here? Is anyone actually watching? Are you drinking to get through, or just suffering alone in some more healthy manner?

8:16pm:  Fan favorite award! Favorite talk show... audience? I don't even understand this award. I voted, but I don't remember being asked about an audience. Can we get Serial Drama readers an award now? If this is how things are working now, I'd like that very much.

8:20pm:  The hostesses of The Talk are presenting, and mostly Aisha Tyler is really, really, really, really tall. And they're joking about audiences. Because they're about to give an audience award, and I'm still confused. Did they trick me into voting in this category? Sara Gilbert is staring to look almost exactly like her wife. But, Craig Ferguson wins. I still don't understand the category, but my dog has farted in protest.

THERE IS BETTY WHITE. So no matter what anyone says, this show is the most important thing on television right now. Because Betty White is there.

8:25pm: Kirsten Storms and Ryan Paevy present Outstanding Morning Program. CBS Sunday Morning wins, because it is a thing on the air. Some old white men accept the award and speak awkwardly into the microphone.

8:26pm: They show clips from the Best Bitch Slap nominees. I actually saw none of these when they happened, so this is a bit of a delight. (Brooke looks like she deserved it?) Oh hey! B&B won for Quinn slapping drunk Brooke!

8:30pm:  Tyra is wearing very little, and now my dog is literally just standing in front of me, staring. She must be baffled as to why I'd be watching this. They're doing a video package of some fifth grade teacher. (I see some comments are coming in. soapbaby is with us!) Anyway the teacher is there and is crying and looks so beautiful and I love it!

8:34pm: They've already cut show clips for Outstanding Supporting Actor. That was fast! Chad Duell wins for General HospitalI! Good for him. Who can help but get behind him in Michael's new Sonny-hating mode? Truthfully, he's very good but this past year has given him a more generous showcase than the past sad-sack material. He thanks Ron Carlivati, Frank Valentini, Kristen Alderson, and God. Twice. Oh, Jesus made the cut, too.

8:36pm: Someone is singing "What I Did For Love" and they're doing a montage of actual soap scenes. ACTUAL SCENES. You guys. Among a hundred other things, they did the "Sonny sees Brenda outside the church in the rain alive" scene. And I actually really like this. No snark, y'all. None at all. Though I would still rather see nominees' clips.

8:40pm: Mario Lopez is presenting Outstanding Morning Program: Spanish Language. Una... nope, sorry, I did not understand the title of the winner. But AC Slater presented, so all is well! The dimples are all happening. My dog keeps shoving her face into my keyboard.

Glamorous life of a soap blogger: my dog has just pooped on the floor.

8:45pm: BETTY WHITE IS GETTING AN AWARD, EVERYONE SHOW RESPECT.

Those track suits do not bedazzle themselves, you guys.

Charo and Regis and Fred Willard and Marie Osmond are on hand to introduce her. Y'all. Betty White. Betty White. What is there to snark about? She is human perfection. Shut up. I'm not crying, your face is crying! 

Okay, I'm crying. The tribute was a bit odd, though. Nothing from the past 35 years?? Aww, Fred Willard is acknowledging her time on B&B and her fantastic work in animal rights. And Charo says Betty is the one who "put the coochee in the coochee coochee coochee."

So Betty White, the world's most wonderful human, accepts her Lifetime Achievement Award. She loves the award, but she's not quite as hot for it as she was for the anatomically-correct SAG dude. Well, what's to say? Nobody can make fun of Betty.

Oh, O42 has joined us in the comments, hooray! Who else is playing along?

As a New Yorker, I do have to remind you that the Subway Series is happening right now, so this is totally unfair in every way. Currently: Yankees 3, Mets 2.

8:59pm: Tyra introduces Miss J, and Tyra is wearing a one-shouldered onesie of some sort. B&B recently had its 7000th episode, so they're there to celebrate. Jacob Young, Karla Moseley, and Linsey Godfrey (on no crutches!) are there to be adorable. Godfrey gets a bit choked up. She's so cute.

9:01pm Outstanding Younger Actor goes to Freddie Smith, who plays Sonny on Days. Aww, I like him and all the people crying for him! 

9:04pm Outstanding Younger Actress goes to Hunter King for Y&R. Was she the one who sounded like she had laryngitis? 

Commenter Anne understands that Finola was robbed.

9:08pm: I confess I got distracted and I have no idea what these people are introducing. Oh! Outstanding "Informative" Talk Show goes to Steve Harvey. I wrote a play about a dating expert and I read Think Like A Man, so.... that is my context. I do not recommend his dating advice if you were born after 1900. If you were born before that, you are freaking awesome.

9:12pm: Outstanding Entertainment Talk Show Host goes to Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan, who are not there. I have just poured my first glass of wine. 

9:13pm: Fan Favorite for wedding disasters. Not going to lie, I voted for Franco's "hell no," but I foolishly had not yet seen Ridge fall out of a helicopter.

What do you guys think of this Queens of Drama show?

9:17pm: Okay, so the cast of that show is there. WHY IS CRYSTAL HUNT INVOLVED?? Can I get a "what the....???" from my OLTL people?

Anyway, Outstanding Directing Team goes to The Bold and the Beautiful. I mean, sure! If Ridge is getting pushed out of a helicopter, we care about your mise-en-scène.

I feel like I missed the Matt Lauer joke. Who caught why they're doing this?

9:21pm: Alan Thicke, for some reason, presents the writing award, which goes to The Bold and the Beautiful. Um. Okee doke? I know it's sort of my job to be meanest to the writers, but I'm a writer and sometimes it's....well, you get it. But still. B&B?

9:24pm: Outstanding Game Show goes to upstart Jeopardy! Who'd have guessed? I'm so proud of them. They really are the Little Game Show That Could.

I see commenter C is in the house! (Can we talk about Kyle and Fish now???) (Y'all know I remember your particulars if you're regulars here!)

Okay, seriously. How did I miss the Matt Lauer thing??

Oh, thanks, soapbaby! "Charity!"

9:28pm: Outstanding "Informative" Talk Show Host goes to the hosts of The Chew. Hrmph. Still bitter!

I am now thinking maybe I got out of the late-night dog walk since she pooped on the floor? (Alas, life does not work that way.)

9:32pm: Outstanding Culinary Program goes to Barefoot Contessa. My day job has a legal relationship with her. THAT IS ALL I KNOW.

9:33pm: 50th anniversary of Days! Hell yeah. Oh dear. I might be a little teary-eyed. Thank god they covered demon Marlena!!!

9:40pm: Joan Rivers tribute. I will be quiet now.

Crystal Hunt is still on my screen. Not okay. 

Yes, C, let's talk about Kim! Were you so sad when she got the Mindy Project boot?

Oh, the In Memoriam always makes me sad! Oh gosh, Matthew Cowles. My heart hurts for the spectacular Christine Baranski.

Is it nuts that they showed acting clips on literally only one category? Come on, y'all!

9:50pm: They are giving the fans a vacuum cleaner. What the eff year is this?

Are we feeling like this is not actually ending in 8 minutes?

9:53pm: Outstanding Talk Show "Entertainment" goes to Ellen because Ellen and so obviously she is not there. Did you guys see Amy Schumer on her show? Can we talk? And laugh?

Um, I think we're going to run long, y'all.

9:56pm: Uh-oh, some suit is there to convince us that daytime is in great shape. Outstanding Lead Actor. Anthony? Billy? Jason? Christian? Well, it's Anthony Geary.

I will let you guys comment.

10:02pm: Outstanding Lead Actress. Is it Laura? Peggy? Maura? Alison? Gina? Well, of course it's Maura. Multi-network love. She is so happy and I love it.

Seriously, we're spamming now?

Carvilati? I feel like people keep saying this.

10:09pm:  Pretty sure Tyra just said "Gene" Francis, so here we are.

Whoa! A tie! Days  won. For one.

Y&R won for the second!

10:13pm: That wasn't too far over! And y'all? I still love soaps. So flippin' much. Thanks for still playing with us!

(Daytime Grammys?)

Okay, I walked my dog. Thank you guys for hanging out, whether live or not!

Tonight: The Daytime Emmys

Come back here tonight to play along while we all sit on the edge of our seats to find out if this year's ceremony will be laughable, extremely laughable, or too embarrassing to feel comfortable laughing at. 

But there's one thing we know we can count on with Tyra Banks hosting: there will be smize-ing.

42nd Daytime Emmy Nominations are Here!

Well, they announced the nominations. The ceremony is, indeed, back on actual television this year! But that doesn't exactly fill us with excitement or optimism. It's not like the last ten times that happened were anything less than a shame spiral.

So who's in? Let's take a look:

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series

PEGGY MCCAY, as Caroline Brady
Days of Our Lives NBC

ALISON SWEENEY, as Sami Brady DiMera
Days of Our Lives NBC

GINA TOGNONI, as Phyllis Newman
The Young and the Restless CBS

MAURA WEST, as Ava Jerome
General Hospital ABC

LAURA WRIGHT, as Carly Corinthos
General Hospital ABC

 

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series

ANTHONY GEARY, as Luke Spencer
General Hospital ABC

CHRISTIAN LEBLANC, as Michael Baldwin
The Young and the Restless CBS

BILLY MILLER, as Billy Abbott
The Young and the Restless CBS

JASON THOMPSON, as Dr Patrick Drake
General Hospital ABC

 

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series

LINSEY GODFREY, as Caroline Spencer Forrester
The Bold and the Beautiful CBS

AMELIA HEINLE, as Victoria Newman
The Young and the Restless CBS

ELIZABETH HENDRICKSON, as Chloe Fisher
The Young and the Restless CBS

FINOLA HUGHES, as Anna Devane
General Hospital ABC

LISA LOCICERO, as Olivia Falconeri
General Hospital ABC

 

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series

SCOTT CLIFTON, as Liam Spencer
The Bold and the Beautiful CBS

CHAD DUELL, as Michael Corinthos
General Hospital ABC

KRISTOFF ST. JOHN, as Neil Winters
The Young and the Restless CBS

JACOB YOUNG, as Rick Forrester
The Bold and the Beautiful CBS

Outstanding Younger Actress in a Drama Series

KRISTEN ALDERSON, as Kiki Jerome
General Hospital ABC

CAMILA BANUS, as Gabi Hernandez
Days of Our Lives NBC

HUNTER KING, as Summer Newman
The Young and the Restless CBS

HALEY PULLOS, as Molly Lansing Davis
General Hospital ABC

 

Outstanding Younger Actor in a Drama Series

BRYAN CRAIG, as Morgan Corinthos
General Hospital ABC

MAX EHRICH, as Fenmore Baldwin
The Young and the Restless CBS

TEQUAN RICHMOND, as TJ Ashford
General Hospital ABC

FREDDIE SMITH, as Sonny Kiriakis
Days of Our Lives NBC

 

Outstanding Special Guest Performer in a Drama Series

MEREDITH BAXTER, as Maureen
The Young and the Restless CBS

SALLY KELLERMAN, as Constance
The Young and the Restless CBS

DONNA MILLS, as Madeline Reeves
General Hospital ABC

LINDA ELENA TOVAR, as Rosalie Martinez
General Hospital ABC

FRED WILLARD, as John Forrester
The Bold and the Beautiful CBS

RAY WISE, as Ian Ward
The Young and the Restless CBS

 

Outstanding Performer in a New Approaches Drama Series

SARAH BROWN, as Katherine Wesley
Beacon Hill the Series

MARTHA BYRNE, as Alexis Jordan / Joanne Edwards
Anacostia 

ANDREA EVANS, as Vivian Price
DeVanity

ALICIA MINSHEW, as Sara Preston
Beacon Hill the Series

VANNESSA VASQUEZ, as Camila Barrios
East Los High 

DANIELLE VEGA, as Ceci Camayo
East Los High 

Access Llanview?

So...Wendy Williams. "Access Llanview." That happened today. So she guest-starred as the host of a tabloid TV show that served as a framing device for today's episode of One Life to Live, for... I have no idea what purpose. She didn't interact with any of the characters; she just offered up some exposition, but I didn't realize that today was a Very Special Episode for people who haven't watched in six months. I'm all for new viewers but this was just bizarre. And most importantly, where was Charlie Sheen? I thought he was going on all the talk shows from now on.

Well, if I got to host a show about Llanview, here's what I'd have to say to the three viewers:

Before Rex finally told the truth to Bo about where David is, Bo went all Clint on Rex about how David was such a traitor to his family, so they no longer care about him, which... doesn't that seem a bit at odds with his expectation that Clint should forgive him for getting involved with his wife? And should totally accept Rex as his son, despite Rex having tried to con the family in the past? Pick a philosophy, Bukes!

After Rex finally told the truth to Bo about where David is, Rex made some pathetic argument about how he put his own family ahead of Bo's. His living-rent-free girlfriend's tuition -- that's what he put ahead of Bo's family. It's not as if Rex's family's lives were at stake -- but Bo's son's life was and is at stake. I wish Rex had just stated it like is. He put Gigi's college tuition ahead of the life and freedom of Bo's son. 

Thankfully, Bo did not let it go. Today anyway.

General Hospital: 2008 In Review

We sat down to do our General Hospital 2008 in Review -- filled with bitterness and resentment as has become our norm when dealing with this mess of a show -- and we thought, what if our longstanding hatred of Bob Guza and his team's writing has blinded us?  What if there are really oodles of good things that we're overlooking as we focus on the fact that the mafia stole our soap?  How can we be more objective about this?  So we created a purely mathematical, empirical, unbiased approach that ensures we will be able to get a true assessment of whether this show really does suck.  We won't spoil the answer for you!  Walk back with us through the last year of GH episodes so you can understand our multi-layered analysis, won't you?

1995 and 1996

Things that suck:  Tom and Felicia.
Things that do not suck:  Everything else.

Early January

Things that suck:  This show declaring war on brunettes; ridiculous, stereotypical, caricature-ridden version of Kate's Manhattan; this show thinking we're stupid enough to care about Sonny getting arrested; Felicia; Spinelli still not speaking like a human being; Luke's ridiculous coma-dream; Emily the Tumor; Carly's wardrobe; Lulu getting kidnapped AGAIN; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia. 
Things that do not suck:  Maxie; Kirsten Storms' performance as Maxie in the wake of Georgie's death; Kate's New Year's Eve look.

Mid January

Things that suck:  Stories involving kids playing with matches; unrealistic medical scenarios; yet another hostage situation in a hospital; Becky Herbst's highlights; Sonny lecturing Michael about hitting people; Lulu's kidnapping; not caring that Luke and Laura's daughter is kidnapped; Becca momentarily loving Sonny; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia.
Things that do not suck:  Alexis and Diane bonding, especially over both having killed a dude; Jax; Carly's comeuppance; Greg Vaughn's foxiness; Lucky being dreamy and protective.

Late January

Things that suck:  The ad campaign surrounding Sarah Brown's return; Felicia; Kristina Wagner's "performance" as Felicia; Becky Herbst's bangs; Lulu getting to choose between two hot guys; Alexis prosecuting someone who attacked her; Alexis "filling in" as DA while Ric is out of town; the Text Message Killer storyline; killing off Coop; Emily the Tumor; Dr. Devlin being pushed as sexy; Michael buying a gun; Michael buying a gun from Oliver!-esque adolescents; Megan Ward destroying The Bob; Sam's wardrobe; trust falls; Maurice Benard's duh face; Maxie having another boyfriend get murdered; Maxie owning three hideous knit hats; throwing the term "bastard son" around; thinking the writers would do a good HIV-positive pregnancy storyline; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia. 
Things that do not suck:  Sarah Brown's return; the baby who plays Jake; Jason having an honest conversation with Michael about violence; Jason telling off Carly; Logan being hot; Cam; Dr. Julian if he cut his hair; Megan Ward's hair in virtually any style; Patrick shirtless. 

Ouch

Today, the ABC brass unveiled the big news that the special guest star for All My Children's November sweeps stunt is going to be...Celine Dion.

'Celine Dion represents another of today's top recording artists who are tapping into ABC's prime ratings position and garnering a presence with our daytime audience. This is the perfect blend of the power of music coupled with dramatic storytelling and enhancing the visibility of our brand across multi-platforms,' said Mr. Frons.

Ohmigod, you guys, he said "prime ratings position"! He's a lying liar who lies, unless "prime" is code for "shitty", in which case he's a dumbass, but an honest one, because this big news came out the day that the ratings show exactly how much ABC Daytime is sucking and blowing, what with AMC in dead last place*. I find that endlessly hilarious.

QUESTIONS:

• Does any of that make any sense whatsoever, or was it lifted verbatim from a Mad Libs page?
• What will it take to get Brian Frons fired?
• Who, aside from grandmas and the deaf, is clamoring for Celine Dion?
• Seriously, it's not 1998 anymore, is it?
• Don't you think it would be better if the guest were Ana Gasteyer as Celine Dion?
• Is this more or less embarrassing than when their big celebrity guest was Donny Osmond?
• Is this more or less embarrassing than when Clay Aiken sang to Steve and Kayla?
• If you want your brand to be more visible across multi-platforms (if that's really, like, a thing), shouldn't you focus on your brand not sucking?

*Dead Last!

1. Y&R
2. B&B
3. ATWT
4. GH
5. DAYS
6. OLTL
7. GL
8. AMC

!!! That's ultra embarrassing. More people watch Guiding Light--we didn't even know that existed!

Genoa City's Next Top British Guy

Is it sad that I read the news about world renowned fashion photographer Nigel Barker making a cameo on The Young and the Restless in my most solemn Tyra Banks voice? It kind of is, isn't it? "Four beautiful soaps stand before me, but I only have three photos in my hand..."

On principle, I'm against plots that revolve around Gloria and Amber, but I think that this could become some sort of campy nirvana. Dare I hope for ANTM injokes? Will Nigel call Amber a no-neck monster? Will Nikki have to back her bag's, y'all, to go to Milan? Will someone admit to being in denial about their snout? Will someone pour beer on Sharon's weave? The possibilities are endless!