Serial Drama

The Bold & the Beautiful: Half(ish) Week In Review

So I finally got around to binge-viewing the last four episodes of The Bold & the Beautiful all in one sitting, and I'm kind of excited. Sure, I'm still fast-forwarding through anything Hope/Liam/Steffy-related, but really that only meant skipping yesterday's scenes between Liam and Hope (though I did catch a few blips here and there before and after my finger hit the button -- I heard Hope say "We were robbed!" for the 872nd time, so at least I know no one has any new insight, and I'm pretty sure she told Liam about how she asked Steffy to quit her job because Hope has the sads and Liam didn't tell her she was an asshole for it because he, too, is an asshole so it doesn't even matter). But otherwise? I have not had this much fun watching B&B in a long, long time.

Correct me if I'm mistaken, but I think B&B is done for the week due to something basketball-related? Seems like as good a time as any to reflect.

First of all: physician, heal thyself! Okay, not really. Because the more ridiculous Taylor's behavior, the happier I am. The more frequently she uses the word "inappropriate" and infuses it with the ugliest kind of judgment and condescension there is, the more amused I get.

Not that she's wrong. Brooke is totally hot for Bill, and he's even admitted that he's super-into her and is struggling with it. And she is milking that for all it's worth, because Brooke is going to be Brooke. And of course Katie walked in on the two of them horizontal in a bed alone with champagne.

D'oh!

How hilarious was it that Brooke's response to Katie's accusations wasn't "I am not interested in your husband and you can trust me," but instead was "now seems like a good time to lecture you about how hot and awesome your husband is and how you need to start treating him like it."

The Bold & the Beautiful: Week In Review

Last week on The Bold & the Beautiful, Dayzee's storyline got approximately 75 seconds of air time in which she flashed back to an angry Maya, wanting her child back....

And also Dayzee looked at a blue folder a lot.

Marcus and Carter stumbled upon said blue folder. 

Dayzee "finally" had to 'fess up that she used to be involved in helping out with adoptions for the various downtrodden women she was working with. And she thinks she's in trouble!

Uh oh!

Other than those 75 seconds, all the episodes this week were reruns. That's certainly how it appeared -- how else could we be watching the same awful people standing around having the same tedious conversations about Hope, Liam, and Steffy? Years after this shit began? We couldn't possibly. CBS must be saving a ton of money just airing repeats and telling us they're new. Obviously we saw this face a lot:

And it was all pretty irrelevant and will amount to absolutely nothing.

The Bold and the Beautiful: Week in Review

First, my apologies for being a terribly delinquent B&B blogger. As you may know, I also cover One Life to Live, which only has five episodes remaining of its 43-year-run, so you can imagine it is taking up most of my heart and most of my attention. Obsessively so. Plus I recently broke my foot, so I'm frequently in painkiller-induced haze. These are my excuses.

But really? What is there to say about The Bold & the Beautiful these days? I've struggled to come up with the words that would be appropriate for this train wreck of a worse-than-a-bad-telenovela on-location storyline that we've been subjected to over the past couple of weeks in the story that will apparently never end, and I've proven it over and over again without any doubt: there are no words. There just aren't. So indulge me for a moment in this wordless recap of the week's events, and those of you who didn't have the "pleasure" of witnessing it yourselves, I promise you: none of this is fake. This is what happened this week. For real.

The Bold and the Beautiful: Week In Review

Jumping into the middle of the Liam/Hope/Oliver triangle right now on The Bold and the Beautiful is a little hard to to because it seems so truly bizarre. Those of us who watch soaps are pretty used to its tropes and the beats of a triangle, but here we are in a situation where Hope is essentially dating both Oliver and Liam and trying to decide between them, and both of them are completely okay with it. To be fair, Liam is pulling a little harder for his side put this poor little cutie Oliver... I mean, what does he stand to gain from this? Is there something in it for him other than the heart of this girl? He just sits around in rooms with her while she talks about her feelings for Liam and waits for phone calls from him and actually has the nerve to use him as a sounding board. And yes, it's pathetic of him to sit around and take it, but if she had a little more decency it seems like she would just cut the poor kid loose. Is he more nefarious than he seems? I do realize he has a darker past but he seems to be on the level with this one, and it just feels off.

While I say that Liam is pulling a little harder for his side, I guess that's a stretch considering he basically just accepted getting dumped by text message and has already made out with someone else without even speaking to Hope about what's going on. But it sure is haunting him in hilarious ways!

These articulate, heartbreaking texts are literally hurling around the air assaulting him! (Scott Clifton continues to be a trooper.) He should totally sit around being confused about them rather than going to talk to Hope for clarification!

The Dangers of Unprocessed Foods

To say the least, it was a hilarious week on The Bold and the Beautiful. It's occurred to me that it might be a strange time to try to get back into this soap, since even though these "all the friends and enemies and frenemies and families temporary bury the hatchet in a life-or-death situation" scenarios are some of my favorite things on daytime serials, it's hard to learn that much about the characters and relationships and animosities and rivalries because they are temporarily suspended. Frankly, all these characters seem like lovely people at the moment. They all seem to really appreciate and respect each other. Lame!

I apologize for the stream-of-consciousness that's about to come, but it'll take a while before I'm back in this thing with enough experience to really unify a comprehensive commentary!

I spent much of the week frantically searching hands for wedding rings, and having little luck. Are Stephanie and Eric married to each other now, or someone else, or no one? 

They finally mentioned the pilots of the plane! I'd been wondering how that plane had magically been flying itself when it crashed. Poor pilots, all kaput. But am I crazy, or was it a little odd that Brooke and Thomas were so comfortable walking around the cabin of an in-flight plane after having just barely survived a plane crash? Maybe I'm nuts, but I'd be wearing twelve seat belts. They also seem to be vacillating between being shivering and dehydrated to the point that they can barely move or communicate, to being lucid enough to be all shifty about whether they got all incest-y because of the ecstasy berries, to making smart alecky phone calls. 

Big revelation for me this week: Katie is Katie. As in, Katie-and-Rocco, as in Katie-with-the-bad-skin-and-low-self-esteem!

I'd been a little lost up until now because Heather Tom seemed so much younger than that Katie, but now I've got it and I'm psyched. And Thorne is Thorne, though played by a different actor, and seen (I think) only once since my return. And Donna is Donna, though played by a different actress, and one that bears a seriously uncanny resemblance to Katherine Kelly Lang. The fog is starting to lift, y'all!

Last Week in Llanview (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb)

The bomb being, of course, any attempt at some semblance of logic and sense. I don't care. I love it. Could pregnant Natalie in her bridal gear carry an unconscious Marty through a staffed courthouse, put her into the car, drive her up to the lodge, and drag her into the place, all without stumbling or getting noticed? No chance. I don't care.

Who would care when it gave us a seriously old-school soap scene with a pregnant bride in high-heeled boots holding a crazy lady hostage with a shotgun? Could anyone not have fun watching these scenes? I know I complain about the lack of logic on this show all the time, but when the payoff is good, it's worth the shameful suspension of disbelief. We even got the obligatory crushing-the-captive's-phone-with-the-spike-heel bit:

What's not to love?

As far as storyline advancement, it was nice to see that Natalie saw that her only way out was to come clean (as she obviously should have done months ago). No sense in resisting it on principle just because the woman lording it over her got the information illegally and immorally, but since this is a soap, things just can't be that simple. The tables were turned as Natalie went into premature labor, though she was in denial about it. This allowed Marty to show some doctorly concern, which in turn allowed Natalie to remind Marty that she's not exactly an OB-GYN and, to boot, is in fact a lousy shrink as it is (a line that I'm sure got many cheers in many, many households). But a collapse gave Marty control of the shotgun, allowed her to return the phone-destroying favor (but with a lot less fashion panache), and put her in the big moral decision-making test that daytime loves so much. 

From what I've heard around in addition to the comments here, various fans on either side have been incredibly frustrated that this storyline seems designed to unfairly represent one character to make the other look better somehow, but I am not in that camp at all -- both these women are completely in the wrong, hilariously and awesomely. Each has had the upper hand at different moments, and always for the wrongest reasons. I love that it's not some black-and-white moral battle; that it gives us shotguns and bitch-slaps and hyperbolic language and all of that equals pure joy. Which of course means that Marty did not, in fact, have a crisis of conscience that made her an automatic hero. Instead she left Natalie behind.

Days of Our Lives Gazillions of Weeks in Review

I will start as I seem to do with every post over the last year or so, by apologizing for my nonexistent Days of Our Lives coverage lately.  Real life, and my day job (which has the slight advantage over this side one in that it, you know, keeps me from being homeless), have kept me ridiculously busy.  Fortunately, Mallory is hilarious and somehow keeps up on all her shows while producing awesome post after awesome post in addition to carrying on with her myriad real-life responsibilities.  (I secretly suspect a meth habit, but don't plan an intervention until things slow down for me and I can therefore afford for her to be less productive.  I am a good friend.) 

But I know our Days-viewing readers have been deprived of late.  (If "of late" = 2009.)  However, what helps to balance out my abandonment of our weekly snarky sessions, I hope, is that this show?  Got good!  It's not perfect, but it is far superior to what it was, to the extent that even with months of episodes to choose from, I had difficulty finding things to make fun of.  This kind of situation has the potential to alter my entire world view!  If I can't make fun of Days, what am I supposed to do?  Sit back and enjoy it?  What is this, 1987?  My bangs aren't nearly voluminous for that to be the case.

Anyway, with my crazy schedule I don't even have time to read Soap Opera Digest, the publication that kindly publishes our monthly rants.  And I already didn't read online spoilers except in rare circumstances.  So now I am basically completely spoiler-free, and I have to say, I highly recommend it.  I've had a couple of surprises over the last few weeks alone, including Mickey dying and EJ being in on the kidnapping.  I honestly didn't see that latter one coming at all.  Maybe that's less that the writing is improved and more that years of watching soaps has finally done what my dad said it would (eaten my brain), but regardless:  Go spoiler free!  It's fun, it's less time-consuming, and it will make you lose weight and help save the planet!  

I started watching Days in 1986, by which time Mickey Horton was already one of the show's elder statesmen (along with his dad Dr. Tom Horton -- sniffle).  I had sensed with the recent increased mentions of Mickey that the show was planning to have him die, but it was still a jolt when Maggie announced he had passed away.  This is largely due to the fact that Suzanne Rogers freaking rocks.

When Maggie took the wedding ring off Mickey's finger, I might have teared up.

And I am a sucker for flashbacks of all varieties, including those from before I was watching (and perhaps even before I was born).

Whining Semi-Professionally For Three Whole Years

Somehow we both managed to forget our three-year blogiversary last week.  Obviously, as would be the case in a traditional relationship, this has caused us to reexamine our connection and enter counseling.  While we work through our myriad issues and contemplate whether this whole co-blogging thing is really right for us, or whether instead our twins and sextuplets would be better off with us on separate blogs, we invite you to peruse the most popular entries of our third year, based on your comments and visits.  We ask for privacy during this difficult time.  (Except for the regular interviews we will provide about our progress, the personal diaries we will post as blog entries, and the reality show that a crappy cable network -- or the CW! -- will be picking up momentarily.  Other than that, like we said, PRIVATE.)

We wrapped up the second season of Night Shift on a high note and vowed to write Sri Rao love notes until the end of time or until he becomes head writer on another soap (and given the decision-making skills of most soap showrunners, the former may come before the latter).

We lamented the sad state of General Hospital repeatedly, loudly, bitchily, and hopefully -- on occasion -- somewhat amusingly.  We were reduced to examining it by the numbers, as an instructive lesson in how to be terrible, and were sometimes just left with our lists.  The only solidly good constant throughout our third year, upon closer review, appears to be baby Emma.  Love you, boo.  Try to stay out of snow-covered trees this next year, 'kay?

We reviewed 2008 and struggled for entries on the “best” side of the list.

We relived some of General Hospital’s golden years, which then made us even more bitter about the shitpile the show has become.

We weathered the firing and somehow even shoddier subsequent treatment of big stars.  (Ones that we didn’t really like, but still…)

We said goodbye to a daytime legend.

We suffered through The Thong Incident.

We shuddered through inappropriate groping.

We peeked into Robin’s Diary.

We marveled over All My Children’s awfulness, and Ryan Lavery’s inability to fail at failing.

We rolled our eyes through product placement nonsense.

We begged a heroine to choose herself.

We had to adjust to an uneasy feeling: Hating Luke Spencer and even – gasp! – disliking his portrayer.

We wondered how Charles Pratt remains employed, but then we remembered that Bob Guza does too, at the same network, and it made more sense.  Well…”sense.”

We wondered who they’re trying to kid with the whole “she’s Liza!” thing.

We watched some new-to-us shows (and Mallory jinxed Guiding Light and got it canceled).

We watched Y&R actually get good and therefore difficult to mock, but then rejoiced with the whole Colleen’s murder thing that allowed the bitching to perk up.

We watch Gossip Girl so were luckily able to track down the Daytime Emmys on the tiny lil’ CW and say a few things about the whole shebang.  (“Shebang” is actually far too generous, but soaps are supposed to be overdramatic so we’re trying to stick with a theme.)

We welcomed an awesome guest blogger.

We had conflicting thoughts about the re-re-recasting of Lucky Spencer.

And finally, we have no link for this one, but we continued to be completed flattered, baffled, and delighted by the fact that you read and comment on our blog, and looked forward to three more years and beyond!

Days of Our Lives Week in Review

So, my life has definitely been crazy the last few months, but I can't say that is the reason I haven't been doing Days posts.  The real reason is that nothing has really moved me to blog about the boring goings-on in Salem.  Until now.  What was my motivation?  Hint: It involves hot men and limited clothing!

So the Week in Review returns, along with my struggle to find enough things on this show that are even close to interesting enough to include in a post. 

Sami and Rafe continue to be far more charming and appealing than the writing gives them any right to be.  I honestly perplexed by liking them.  But I so do!

There is, however, a significant problem brewing.  This relationship is having a very unfortunate effect on Sami's hair. 

Allison Sweeney's gorgeous mane deserves better.  There is also the small matter of Rafe likely being some kind of fiance-murdering psycho, but that's relatively easy to bounce back from.  Stringy hair can take ages to get past.

This was from a few weeks ago, but I didn't have a chance to comment then, so:  Behold, I have found Braden Walkes from GH's life partner.

Lil' baby bitchface is just the best thing evah.

General Hospital Week in Review

Greetings, readers!  After a very long absence, the Week in Review is making a hopefully triumphant return.  My work schedule has been completely insane for at least six months so poor Mallory has been shouldering almost all of the blogging, but things have calmed down and I'm planning a return to normal.  I've still been watching GH over these many months, which I'm sure contributed to my near-nervous-breakdown state, so I haven't missed much.  There's even been a few things that have been so consistent that I've learned to find them somewhat soothing.  They include:

• Rick Hearst getting screwed over
• Patrick's hotness
• Sonny being an awful [fictional] human being
• Mallory's hatred of Jason, Spinelli, and Bob Guza
• My mind wandering while watching GH to the extent that I miss entire plotlines (and am subsequently grateful)
• The increasing use of spray tan and teeth whitener that appears to have coincided with the introduction of HD
• This show being, generally speaking, effing terrible

But let's be all analytical and take a look at some specific things that are terrible.  And one or two that aren't.

Casting is really the one area that throughout GH's descent into mediocrity and then awfulness remained strong.  GH consistently casts talented newcomers, kids that look like their onscreen parents, and non-daytime actors who fit right in on a soap.  But this is a huge misstep:  This man

is supposed to be the son of this woman.

Let me have some of my favorite Port Charles' denizens express my opinion about this:

 

Yeah...WTF?  Did she have him in the second grade?  Screw that, they could have been in the second grade together.  I am actually surprised that Maurice Benard hasn't up and quit in outrage, since he was long rumored to not want Sonny to have adult children, and all of a sudden he has one that checks the same age box on the census form that he does.

By the way, wasn't Olivia and Dante's first scene as mother and son a breath of fresh air, totally lacking the usual GH taint of violence and general disregard for anyone with ovaries?

Yeah.

I have no other explanation for that, other than, you know, the usual: