Serial Drama

General Hospital Week in Review

This show is still boring me.  But I've come to the realization that despite that, the blog must go on.  Plus Maxie had a super cute outfit this week that I had to preserve in screencap form.  So the official Week in Review returns.

The truly moving story of Will the Hitman Recover the Use of His Hands in Time to Kill Again and Sleep With the Woman Who He Isn't Supposed To Be Sleeping With Because As His Babymama She and His Kid Are In Danger From the Job He Is So Desperate to Get Back? continues. 

Ugh.  At least the visual of the oven mitts of gauze is entertaining.

I call this:  I CAN HAZ GUN?

(I also loved Sonny's pissy little rant about how dare Jason get injured, and maybe "this is just an excuse" not to do his Really Important job.  Yes, that gauze does look psychosomatic to me.  Although I would welcome the twist that Jason is faking all this because it's the only way he can break up with Sonny.)

Mike's amazement at Marianna's mad waitressing skillz was...entertaining.

Mike: I don't know who you are, but that was amazing.  And you did it all with a smile!

Yeah man, when she picked up those two plates, at two separate times, and then poured coffee?  IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.  How DOES she do it?  One day I hope to be able to transfer liquid from one container to another without scowling.  I dream big!

Days of Our Lives Couple of Weeks in Review. Sort Of. Not Really. I'm Too Bored, Y'all!

I don't know what's going on with this show, you guys.  It was so good just a few weeks ago, but this week it really started backsliding into mediocre-ville, or worse.  I still like most of the story arcs, but the dialogue is getting pretty bad.  I think John, Marlena, Hope, and Bo have been repeating the same lines for the last two weeks.  Which in the case of those four doesn't particularly bother me, because I adore John loathing Marlena and Hope and Bo being all suffering supercouple-y, but this could reach problematic levels soon.  If I have to hear people repeatedly refer to Lexie as a competent doctor, or Shawn and Belle's plans to rip off his parents' dream trip around the world over and over again, I may lose the will to blog.

There are a few things I'm especially concerned about.

Dr. Jonas is hot, but he is WAY too old for Chelsea.  Way.  I think he would have been great for her mom, but the idiots in charge let Julie Pinson go.  Romantic interests do not pass on to the next generation like real estate and collectibles!  If Deidre Hall retires, does John take up with Sami?  No.  They better redirect Dr. Dan to a more appropriate target soon, because it skeeves me every time I see him and Chelsea onscreen together. 

Are they just replaying the same scene of Ava locked in her room, being all batshit crazy, over and over again?  Is she ever going to do . . . anything?  I'm getting bored by her already, and that really shouldn't the case with an insane interloper.  I love them.

General Hospital Week in Review

I still don't really care about this show, but once you got past the cheesy "special" effects early in the week, without a stupid and implausible serial killer reveal or any more homicides of legacy characters, this week didn't suck quite as much as many.  I'm not interested enough to do a full-blown Week in Review (those are surprisingly labor-intensive, and require significant inspiration!), but there were, I suppose, events worth noting.

The "This Stuff Is So Stupid It Makes Me Yearn For the Realism and Depth of One Tree Hill" List:

• Alexis and Jerry should not happen.  I know the actors have great chemistry, and Alexis is long overdue for a romance, but NO.  The guy is a psychopath.  Among other things, he tried to kill her nephew!  WTF?  That is not foreplay. 

• Were the "special effects" just so Liz and Sam could once again be damsels in distress and Jason could once again be the hero?  Please.  Those two get into some horrible predicament almost weekly, like in the grocery store or at the dry cleaners.  (Don't even get me started on that park.)  And Jason is a hero.  He just is.  He looks good shirtless, he kills people for a living, he wears the same outfit every day.  What is not to idolize?  (Tune in next week, when I share my ABC Daytime-sponsored thoughts on how all strong women are bitches.)

• 1)  The black-and-white Spinelli fantasies MUST END.  They are ridiculously cheesy and totally out of place on this show, which supposedly prides itself on being the non-campy variety of soap.  Ick.   2)  Why couldn't Spinelli just email someone to get them rescued out of the sewer?  Instead, he futzed around on his laptop for hours trying to find some code to open that gate that itty-bitty Maxie then somehow managed to get trapped in.  So bizarre.  (I did love her myriad objections to the sewageyness of the sewer, though.)  Maxie continues to make Spinelli far, far more tolerable, but I still don't want them as a couple.  I think they need to bring someone new in for him.  And I think she'd be good with Nikolas.  But I am sick and earlier the room was spinning so maybe I'm talking nonsense.  (Not that I expect you to notice the difference.)

GH Couple of Weeks in Review: The I Don't Care Edition

I have been a bad General Hospital blogger.  I know this.  But I cannot bring myself to care about this show right now.  It's so terrible.  Terribly violent, terribly predictable, terribly monotonous, terribly nonsensical, and most of all terribly boring.  The things I could not possibly care less about outnumber the entertaining things by easily about ten to one.  The things I do not care to see anything more about include, but are no means limited to:

• Michael being kidnapped
• Carly being upset that Michael has been kidnapped
• Sonny's weirdly detached reaction to Michael having been kidnapped
• Marianna
• Ric playing dress-up-the-abused-Barbie with Marianna
• Campbell's soup
• Epiphany
• Epiphany's Campell's-sponsored heart disease support group
• Lucky once again being shot/victimized
• Jason once again saving the day
• Trevor
• Diego's amazing HVAC skills
• tiny Kelly Monaco being thrown around some more by a guy two times her size
• Emily being brutally killed, AGAIN

So what does that leave?  Almost nothing.  (You'll still click through for the rest though, won't you?  I need reader encouragement to get me through this challenging time.)

Days of Our Lives Week in Review: The Sniffle Edition

I know I mock a lot of stuff about soaps -- that's kind of what we do here, you know? -- but honestly, there was little to make fun of this week on Days.  The show was full of many of the things I love most about soaps:  tragic death,  awful plastic surgery, ridiculous yet entertaining screwball comedic romance, unspecified fatal illness, hot men, and schmaltzy flashbacks.  Who doesn't love all that?

I've said before that Days gives good holiday, and I was reminded this week that it gives good funeral, too.  The last big one I remember was for Dr. Tom Horton, and that was extra sad because Macdonald Carey had passed away, but still, Days does these big family events very well.  That may be because, unlike say GH, Days is still centered around core families.

Days' dedication to keeping families at the center of the show make me fine with the fact that they killed off one of the patriarchs.  I know it's totally hypocritical of me, because if it were GH I'd be screaming bloody murder (in fairness, GH would totally kill off Edward Quartermaine via bloody murder, so at least there would be a theme), but I really think they handled Shawn Sr.'s death well.  They're getting good soapy mileage out of it, so I approve.  (My approval means so much, I'm sure.)

Truly, the funeral?  The kids' eulogies?  All the Irish toasts at the pub?  Made of awesome.  Mostly.

Days of Our Lives Week in Review

Sweeps went out with a bit of whimper on Days last week, but it was still some pretty good soap.  In a week of overall non-outrageousness, though, there were some outrageous happenings.

How outrageously excessive has Deidre Hall's 2008 screentime been? Enough with Marlena-palooza!  If I have to sit through another week with Marlena on every day, my soul might react thusly:

But whatever.  They're back in Salem, so Marlena can't possibly be on every damned day anymore, right? 

I was all prepared to be extra-traumatized this week by a John and Marlena sex scene (I occasionally read my Soap Opera Digest, you know!), but it turned out it was just them making out a little bit.  Regular readers know I have been traumatized on the regular by these two getting it on, but somehow with the cheesy soundtrack covering up any overly dramatic moaning, and the absolute non-smurfiness of John's mad woo-ing skills made it okay this time.  I mean, this was freaking hilarious:

Marlena: ...You're not here.
John: Well, maybe my mind isn't.  But my body sure as hell is.  So just take what you can get.

Hee.  Are you swooning yet, Doc?

And then, when she decided to take what she could get, right before they got down to business, this:

John: Brace yourself.

Haaa!  Robotic dickhead John never ceases to amuse.  (Marlena did later use my most despised soap phrase, "making love," but I can't rant about that without access to lots of alcohol.  I am, seriously, physically revolted by that phrase.)

Anyway, "Brace yourself" is the new "You complete me."  You heard it here first.

General Hospital Week in Review

There was no significant story movement, Patrick is all of a sudden operating with the intellect level of Spam, at this point I'm convinced that there is a backstage pact to make the Text Message Killer storyline the longest and yet least-involving in the history of the soap genre, and the Who Hit Sam? story has me bored before she's even out of the hospital, but weirdly . . . I didn't hate GH last week.  Maybe it's because the day-to-day dialogue still seems like it's a bit improved?  Or maybe it's the heavy medication and binge drinking.  I foreclose no possibility.  Anyway, I don't have a whole lot to say, because taking out the storylines I hate and given the aforementioned lack of movement, almost nothing of interest happened.  But there were some fun (or "fun" in some cases) lines.

First off, I admit, not all the dialogue was good.  This, from when Alexis opened her front door holding a jar of spaghetti sauce, was probably the worst.

Diane:  Prego, the working woman's friend!
Alexis: It's heart smart, okay?
Diane: So is what's in here. ::points to wine::

You groaned in disgust just reading that, didn't you?  I hope Nancy Lee Grahn and Carolyn Hennesy went out and got drunk on that wine after shooting that scene, trying to drown their sorrows over being turned into shills for shitty pasta sauce.  First the V8 Fusion thing, now this. 

Someone in the comments said this is an ABC Daytime deal with Campbell's.  If that's the case, might I suggest alternate product pimping avenues?   For example, Patrick is in the hospital cafeteria and spills tomato juice on himself, requiring him to take off his shirt.  And possibly also his pants.  It could be a really big can of juice!  Or, Jax is out surfing (shirtless) and rehydrates with a quick tomato juice.  Or, Lucky is doing a police drill in which he gets shot, and they use tomato juice as fake blood, and then for the medical part of the drill a paramedic has to rip off his shirt.  Or, Ric is watching Molly and she spills her tomato juice all over his shirt, which he must immediately remove in order to clean.  Or if they're set on working products into dialogue, Logan could say "It's impossible for me to walk even a few feet without some huge anvil with 'serial killer red herring' etched into it slamming into my head.  You know what, I should have had a V8!"  (Oh, and he is shirtless.)

I have a thousand of these ideas!

Better yet, just put a picture of whatever crappy Campbell's product they want me to buy in the lower left-hand corner of the screen throughout the show.  Because I can tell you I am a thousand times more likely to buy any of those than I am to watch half the shit that ABC tries to push there normally.  Wife Swap?  Are they high?

Days of Our Lives Week in Review

It's possible I'm just on a three-day-weekend high, but were you as pleasantly surprised by Days last week as I was?  Almost a full week's worth of episodes that took place on a plane about to crash (phobia alert OMGOMGOMG), and they actually made for some pretty good soap. 

First of all, it started off great, because in true Days fashion the fake external shot was ridiculous (and therefore awesome).

That is the largest private jet in the history of the world, other than Phillip's.

And the jet belongs to John, who, I'm sorry, is totally hilariously awesome when he is in unabashed dickhead robot mode.  Which is all the time.  You guys, he called Steve "Dead Eye"!  I love Steve, but I laughed my ass off.  Snotty nicknames and Marlena hate?  This is a John I can get behind.  And he's very equal opportunity in his douche-iness.  No matter the situation, or who's involved, he's going to be a dick.

Marlena: John, have you figured out a way to land the plane?
John:  Well, no sense beating around the bush:  No.  As far as I can tell, we're going to be up here until we run out of fuel.
Chloe: And then what?
John: We join Colleen and Santo in the sweet hereafter.
Chloe: How can you calmly tell us we're all going to die?
John: It's not what I want.  Just trying to be realistic.
Phillip:  There must be something you can do, John.
John:  Probably.  Hasn't hit me yet.  Pilots are unconscious because their water was drugged.  We've got no radio, losing cabin pressure, controls are unresponsive, can't change course, or altitude, which means we can't land, and we will be without fuel in two hours' time.  You do the math.  And the worst part is that this jet has gotta be worth millions.  And the way we're going, she's gonna be a total loss.

Airborne comedy gold.

more at twiigs.com...

General Hospital Couple of Weeks in Review: As Usual, I Have Questions

At first there were scheduling issues, but now I'm just plain uninspired to write a Week in Review for GH, guys.  I'm not sure why.  The show hasn't been awful, and there have been some great moments.  Just nothing all that commentary-worthy, you know?  (Plus, truth be told, I was more interested in 90s episodes SoapNet showed today -- recaps coming to a blog near you.)  So instead, I bring you my latest list of questions.

• How entertainingly soapy is the ongoing Monica/Tracy catfight?  I heart it.  Tracy being all fierce and defiant, Monica calling Tracy a "litigious cow."  Glorious.
• Why is the Logan/Lulu/Johnny triangle so boring, when it involves such pretty people?
• Am I seriously supposed to care about Leyla and Dr. Devlin flirting?
  
• Is Patrick the dumbest neurosurgeon on earth?  Robin told him she's pregnant.  He knows they had sex a few weeks back and the condom broke.  And he doesn't suspect he might be a daddy-to-be?  This is a guy I'm supposed to believe fixes broken brains?  It's a good thing he's hot enough to distract me from this obvious story gap.
  
• Why hasn't Kimberly McCullough shanked the last three stylists who have come near her bangs?  I hate online petitions, but I am thisclose to starting one to implore her to grow those suckers out.
  

Days of Our Lives Week in Review

This week of Days was a rollercoaster of soap-viewing emotions for me:  On the one hand, the dialogue has gotten SO AWFUL that I start looking for things to do while watching the show, including but not limited to sorting my socks by season and color (true story).  But on the other hand, about a third of the week was flashbacks to episodes that sucked less, and plus you saw John slam Marlena's head into that big wooden door, right?  Then I'm sure you can see that there were bright spots.

I know I sound like a broken record, but dudes, Marlena is annoying the hell out of me.  I'm sure Deidre Hall is a nice person, and there's no question she's a Days icon, but for the love of the god that Colleen won't shut up about, could I get a Doc-free couple of days?  And John.  Ugh.  Drake Hogestyn has totally embraced the ham, with a side of robot, and while it is entertaining in an "oh my god, this is SO bad, I have to call Mallory this instant" kind of way, it's otherwise, you know, not good.  (He tasted his tears, people!)

HOWEVER.  All is forgiven, because this week, when John bashed Marlena's head into that door?  SOAP HEAVEN, ladies and gentlemen.  I mean, I am totally opposed to violence -- unless it is perpetrated against the people at both Ann Taylor and Gap who decided there was a need for a size called "00 - Curvy" -- but did that fake clunk of a skull against wood not make weeks of ODing on Marlena airtime completely and utterly worth it?!  I am giving myself a pass on enjoying what is technically domestic violence because of the high-camp factor, and because, well, Marlena annoys the shit out of me.  I am absolutely content with my moral relativism.

So anyway, Nolebucgrl in the forums posted that someone had made a video of The Slam on a loop, so of course I had to check it out.  If you like your uproarious physical assaults in small pieces, here is The Slam.  If you like it repeatedly and digitally manipulated in a most hysterical fashion, here is the video Nolebugrl mentioned.  Awesome.

And then there's this next video.  Here's the thing:  I hate those compilation "OMG, isn't MY couple so awesome?!1!?!11!!" videos on YouTube.  Or I should say, I don't understand them.  Who has that kind of time?  And inclination?  Who decides to make a video about the tortured relationship of Jason and Elizabeth instead of doing something really productive, like reading fashion blogs or watching 80s teen movies on cable?  I don't know.  But, all that being said, I've totally watched a few of them.  Nostalgia kicks in and I'm all, yes, I DO need to see Steve and Kayla's story set to a Journey tune!  Right now, on my laptop!  I so do!

Ahem.  I've gotten a bit off track.  Back on it, there are an assload of John and Marlena: The Truest Love In the History of All Love That Is So True We've Lost Track of the Fact That It's Fictional videos on YouTube.  So if that's your thing . . . never mind, if that's your thing, you're probably not here (but you're welcome here, regardless; just please don't email me any links to those things).  Anyhoodle, YouTube also has a recap of the less romantic moments of their relationship (capped off with The Slam), in the form of an awesomely snarky video called "Love Hurts" that is set to both that song as well as, I shit you not, "Smack That Bitch Up."  I implore you to watch it, and also write in its creator evilgenius1967 for president on any available ballots, because this thing is made of funny.  I emailed the link to Mallory and she replied:

I think I can say, with absolute certainty, that Al Gore's dream of the world wide web has served its purpose and can close shop now because nothing will ever, ever be better than that.

We think you'll agree that is not hyperbole in the least: