Serial Drama

Poor Little Bobby Ford Feels Like Crap

Cry me a mothertrucking river.

If you check in here often, you probably knew this was coming, and I'm happy to deliver. Well, "happy" isn't the word, really, because I am still seething today. I am not seething only because of today's episode but also because I made the foolish choice of exploring various pages and message boards to see what the general viewer consensus is and I've learned that I am clearly insane and watching a different show from much of the viewing public. Apparently there is an alternate-universe One Life to Live out there that also has a character named Ford who has recently found out he has a biological son, but in this alternative universe, he didn't get this biological son by sexually exploiting a mentally ill woman, he did it during a run-of-the-mill one night stand and he is, in fact, a really decent guy who needs to rescue his son Ryder from a handful of evil people -- and this handful of evil people has a ringleader named Brody. Brody is super-evil! He has the nerve to hate this innocent Ford who has truly turned from a player into a wonderful man all for the sake of his new li'l boy! That bastard Brody! 

See, on the One Life to Live I've been watching, Ford did sexually exploit a mentally ill woman and, doing so, neglected to use any sort of protection and impregnated her. He then blocked the mother of his newborn son from getting the professional help she so desperately needed and planned to live in a home with her alter (a woman who has attempted to, in fact, blow people up in the past) having regular access to said infant and wants to completely restrict the child's mother's family from having any contact at all with the child. This includes the child's sister. Any bonding that this baby did with his mother or his mother's side of the family in the weeks after his birth has been deliberately cut off by Ford, and he planned to continue this arrangement indefinitely. Possibly forever.

First Anniversary Self-Indulgence: Becca Is Brill

Have you ever met someone so awesome that they make you feel bad about yourself, but it doesn't detract from how awesome that you think they are? Becca is that person for me. She always manages to top herself in terms of hilarity and general brilliance (and, needless to say, her taste in shoes and handbags is impeccable). She's pretty much who I want to be when I grow up. Um, in the "role model" way, not the "tie her up and take over her life" kind of way.

I could easily say that every post she's ever written is my favorite of hers, but I am going to give you the creme de la creme

• I think that this might be the best thing John and Marlena have ever been associated with
• Her fantastic fashion sense have led to myriad scathing speaking commentaries on the sad state of soap wardrobes. I can only imagine that if the GH and Days of Our Lives wardrobe departments saw them, they'd cry themselves to sleep.
• The world is a better place with the official Awesome Alert scale in it
• Reading her searing hatred of Jeremy "Horton" will never get old
• Three beautiful words: Be Quiet, Carly
• As the founder of the Expression Hall of Fame, Becca has a comprehensive series of screencaps that make me laugh and cry every time I see them
• And she's a songwriter, too!
• Seriously, in the history of the internet, has there every been a better piece of writing than Jill Farren Phelps's statement on Jax's rape? No, there has not. We can shut the internet down tomorrow, because nothing will ever top that.

Thank you, Becca, for your nonstop amazingness. True, it's gotten me in trouble at work when your entries make me literally laugh out loud, but it's a small price to pay. 

It's Your Turn!

So, when we started this gig eons ago (2006, for those keeping track; we adhere to the fashion world's sense of time), we kicked it off with a little debate about who was the worst character in daytime. Both because somehow those two are now not only the worst but are among the best characters around, and because we really need more formats in which to vent about things in an organized fashion (believe us, if you could put a spreadsheet on Blogger, they'd be here), we're making The Worst Character In Daytime a regular feature. And you, our dear readers, will help us decide who is truly the worst. Vote now for who sucks more - Sonny or Babe - and tell us why you cast such a momentous internet vote for one of those two wastes of airtime. Or, nominate someone else for the worst character, and we'll take your comments  into consideration the next time we have fun pulling apart every aspect of a fictional person and putting all of the nastiness on the internets for the world to see. It's fun, join in!

Who is the worst character in daytime?
	Sonny Corinthos
	Babe Carey Chandler
	Other  (Name your choice in the comment section!)
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Nominee for Worst Character in Daytime: Babe Carey

The rise and fall of All My Children reads like a fairytale of some sort. Just a few short years ago, life was good, gas prices were low, no one had heard of Sienna Miller and All My Children ruled. It was home to complex characters, intricate storylines, wonderful romances and a great sense of humor. Oh, and it also introduced me to my soulmate, Josh Duhamel. Like I said, life was good (we continue to be very happy together, thank you for asking).

Not content to be the head writer of a successful show, an evil woman decided to introduce a new character, a character who would devour the show and all it stood for with an alarming level of ferocity, who would usher in a new era and make the show unrecognizable from the groundbreaking and award winning drama it once was.

The character I speak of, quite obviously, is Arabella Carey Cramer Chandler Chandler also known as "Babe" also known as "The Baby Stealing Tramp Whose Life In Pine Valley Calls To Mind Sherman's March to the Sea" also known as "The latest Serial Drama nominee for Worst Character in Daytime."

 

Nominee for Worst Character in Daytime: Sonny Corinthos

So, you may have caught the occasional anti-Sonny reference around here, but on the advice of my team of personal physicians, therapists, and facialists, I try not to discuss him too often. My Soap Opera Rage, it rises, and it consumes everything in its path. I start to recall how General Hospital has stopped being about General Hospital and the people connected to it and has instead become the tale of the tiny mobster and his exploits, and I seethe. I remember when the Quartermaines and Spencers and Hardys and Scorpios were the central families of the show, then I compare it to now when Sonny and his various babymommas have replaced them, and I simmer. I think about how Sonny could actually be an interesting character, if only he weren't The Only Character and if he had some dimension, some evidence that he is morally conflicted about the fact that he commits crimes for a living, and I am incensed.

Okay, so I don't actually get that worked up over a soap character, but I do find him really annoying! He ruins the show for me on a regular basis - though thanks to the magic of TiVo's fast-forward feature, he does save me some time every week. Anyway, due to popular demand and my personal opinion, I give you our latest nominee for the worst character in daytime, Michael Corinthos Jr.

Naughty Girls Need Love, Too...Or Do They?

The bad girl has been a soap opera staple since Julie Horton shoplifted from Bartlett's Department Store in 1966. It's fun to watch people scheme and backstab and do vicious things, but it's important that the people in question have some motivation for being the way that they are (popular reasons include parental neglect, loving a man involved with another woman, multiple personalities; etc.)

Along the way, the girls got badder and badder and their motivation became murkier and murkier. Two young characters currently feeling the wrath of viewers across America are Maxie Jones on General Hospital and Chelsea Benson Brady on Days Of Our Lives. They're both bad and have multiple crimes under their belt, including drug dealing and vehicular homicide, and yet...they aren't fun to watch. But the question is: which one is worse?

I will outline my opinions using the very professional plus and minus form of critiquing.

MAXIE JONES

+ Daughter of the ultra cool Frisco and Felicia

- Is nowhere near as cool as her dad

+ Did not inherit her mother's voice

- Used to babysit Michael and did not take advantage of the opportunity to sell him to the gypsies

- Flirted with her (adopted) (and homosexual) cousin

- WTF was that story with her and Jesse on the run?

- Bitched repeatedly about how horrible it was that Jesse was an organ donor even though SHE GOT HER DEAD COUSIN'S HEART

- Tried to hit on Nikolas skankily

- Immediately got over her love of Nikolas and moved on to his brother Lucky

- Milks Jesse's death for all the sympathy she can get while attempting to bed half of Port Charles

- Stole pills from the hospital to keep Lucky addicted

- Took advantage of Lucky's addiction to get him into bed

- Blackmails Lucky into sleeping with her by threatening to withhold his pills and/or tell her stepfather Mac about their affair and Lucky's pill addiction

- Wears skanky clothes and bad makeup

- Became Lucky's drug connection because...?

- Is freaking stupid enough to go out into dirty parks to score drugs even though her stepfather is the police commissioner

- Had an affair with Lucky because...?

- Has the nerve to blame Elizabeth for Lucky cheating on her

- Had sex with Lucky in Elizabeth's bed

Verdict: Does not deserve BJ's heart

CHELSEA BENSON

+ Daughter of Bo and Billie who is pretty cool as played by Lisa Rinna and Julie Pinson

- But she was stillborn in a swamp when Krista Allen was Billie and Krista Allen sucks

+ Despite being stillborn not even 10 years ago, has managed to grow up into a functioning teen. By "functioning" I mean "can walk and talk"

- Attempted to drug Patrick to get him to sleep with her

+ Abby seems to like her well enough

- Hooked up with her (adopted) uncle Max right after meeting him

- Bad attitude

- Ran over her little brother

- Shows little to no remorse for it

- Bitches about the community service she has to do for killing her brother

+ Wears cute clothes

+ Is nice to Sami, who I love

- Conspired via falsified email to keep Bo and Hope apart

+ Correctly assumed that Bo and Hope were dumb enough not to realize they are being duped

Verdict: Seriously, she was stillborn in 1998! What is with this show?!

I firmly feel that the inability to rid the world of Michael Corinthos once and for all lost this contest for Maxie.  So congratulations stillborn (EXCEPT NOT!) Chelsea, for only being the second most horrible character in soaps!

- Promising Ingénue